Peanut Butter Kisses

Healing hearts

2012-01-22T15:01:00.000-05:00

I didn't post a whole lot last year for a couple of reasons. The first reason was that we were in the process of having to move since the owners of the house we were renting were selling it. It's not always easy trying to find a house that will fit everybody's needs and still fit into your budget!

We spent a lot of time praying for God's direction for this and saw His hand move time and time again from house to house. The answer mostly was the closed door. This can be discouraging after a time especially when faced with a time factor. Why does panic always set in when we are faced with the midnight hour? God promises to provide. He promises never to leave us or forsake us and yet, I find myself grasping onto the panic and not the promise.

God opened the doors wide open to a house not anywhere where we were originally looking and certainly not what I was expecting. When He moves, He MOVES. He moved us to a beautiful, big house in the country. It has been such a blessing to us and continues to be. God's ways are always way more than what we can imagine if we allow Him to work. Every morning when I look out the window, I am just again awed at what He has done and oh, so thankful for His graciousness to us!

The second reason for my absence in posting is in all that we've gone through in the past five years, we've taken tons of criticism and all out lies/gossip for the decisions we've made and for what is happening in our lives. This does not encourage one to open up about oneself but instead to pull in and be silent. This isn't always a good way to handle it and I admit that perhaps it's not the healthiest of ways either. I've been really concentrating on asking God to heal my wounded heart and to help me with forgiveness. It's hard. It's really, really hard.

I don't really understand why people don't believe the best in you especially when your past history shows your integrity, your love for God and how you live your life. Ever since Bob got sick, we've spent much time on our knees before God seeking His will and how to proceed. Sometimes, you don't get direct answers and it's a process of putting one foot in front of the other, praying the whole time that you are doing the right thing. We are human and we ALL make mistakes. Not one of us will do everything right. The hardest thing is when the people closest to you, no longer are there with support but words of criticism and betrayal. That is heart-wrenchingly wounding.

This makes me think how very much we, God's precious creation, must grieve His heart with our actions, with our words, with the yuckiness that we allow in our hearts. It helps me to remember to try my hardest to not kick a man when he's at his lowest point but to offer words of comfort, to not stand by and watch the suffering if there is anything I can do. To always be on alert for others who are hurting is something that has been on my heart. Suffering will do that. It will make you more sensitive to others or it will make you a hard, bitter person. It's your choice.

Thirdly, when you move to the country and there are lots and lots of trees, your internet options are limited. We do have internet but it is sporadic and sometimes not too reliable. I find that we have to take trips to local 'hot spots' to try to download stuff that is important. I guess it's a trade off....beautiful nature to enjoy for your high speed internet.

Life would be boring without all these obstacles and challenges, right?? God sure has a way of using what you are going through whether it be internet challenges or people challenges to work out issues within your own heart. I am grateful that He sees fit to think I'm worthy enough to want to make me into what He has in mind for me.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare^[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope!

Another year....

2012-01-16T14:48:00.000-05:00

I recently enjoyed another birthday. It's tough to face that time is rolling forward faster than you are ready to admit. Oh how I wish it would slow down. There is so much to enjoy, so much to yet experience and so much that God has put before us to accomplish for Him. I guess it's a real reminder to not take one moment for granted, to not put off what we can do now and to seek God every day so that we are growing and learning more and more about Him.

My birthday is getting quite comical. Never in my wildest imagination would I ever dreamed that my kids would fight over who is going to make me breakfast for my birthday. I did suggest maybe they work together but they all individually want to make sure I'm blessed by them in their own way. They all have their own ideas about what to make or what to do and I guess that some of those ideas collide with the other ideas. My oldest recently told a friend of his that with as many siblings as he has, you have to make an appointment to do something with his mother for her birthday. I'm finding the truth in that. So why not make this a whole month of celebrating? I would enjoy that, for sure!

My five year old wanted us to make sure we woke her up as soon as we could because she didn't want to miss one minute of the birthday celebrating. She also mentioned for my birthday, her gift to me was that she was going to be sure to do everything I told her to do! That is an awesome gift in my opinion! She made me a beautiful card with lots and lots of balloons on it. She is super cute and I am blessed by her love for me!

My eight year old also made me an adorable card. One of the things that struck my heart is that he wrote, "God loves you and so do I". His understanding of how much God loves his children is amazing. Sometimes, I wish I could grasp hold of it like he does. His heart is sensitive to our Lord and he has been blessed with a deep understanding of God's word that blows my mind. His addition to my birthday breakfast was Cheezit's. He sat next to this birthday girl to make sure I was enjoying my breakfast to it's fullest while watching to make sure I ate every bit and to give me a detailed explanation of his love and God's love for me. Truly a blessing he is to me!

My ten year old has been looking forward to this special day, counting down the days with his brother to make sure they didn't miss it. He helped make the special breakfast of eggs over easy on a toasted hot dog bun because we were out of bread. I'd say they are pretty creative coming up with some ideas! When he got up, he got the paper, crayons and paint ready for everyone to make their cards for me before I woke up. He was very busy trying to make sure everything was just right....even made sure I had my coffee! The day before he got busy scrubbing down my cupboards and counter tops for my birthday gift. He told me that he's been saving up all his love for me so that on my birthday it could just burst out! Boy, did I get a chuckle from that comment.

My oldest daughter was so excited for this day to come. She's been planning and planning on a special birthday dinner and dessert and she did wonderful. I am so thankful for her attentiveness to my birthday and her desire to make it super special. We had chicken caesar wraps, salad and peanut butter pie that was topped with peanut butter cups, melted chocolate and peanut butter. It was so absolutely delicious. She also made ice cream sandwiches with homemade chocolate chip cookies for anyone who didn't want pie. I was so incredibly blessed by her gift of dinner and dessert!

My oldest son took me out for lunch at the Chinese buffet the day before to celebrate. I think he likes the one on one time. He actually can talk to me without getting interrupted! Some days that is quite a challenge. It's hard when you are in such high demand! He is growing up so fast and is acting more and more like an adult by the minute. Again, can we slow things down a bit? I remember when he was such a little squirt. Seems like only yesterday.....

My dear husband was able to sneak away with me for a rare, quiet lunch together. I cherish those moments especially since it doesn't happen very often. He has declared this month a birthday month for me and his desire is to bless me the whole month long with doing things for me whether it be cleaning my microwave out (don't laugh, that is a blessing to me since I can't seem to get anybody to do it and can't quite get to it myself) or bringing me my coffee or sending me texts full of appreciation and love for me. It's been a joy being the recipient of all those things. It's amazing what the little things do for this heart of mine! He's a great guy! I'm truly a blessed woman!

The whole day was absolutely wonderful! I am feeling full to the top not only with all the food of the day but full of the love of my family. It's good to be reminded of their love and care. It certainly helps me swallow the fact that I am another year older.

Sisters!

2012-01-12T14:30:00.000-05:00

I love that my girls have each other. There is nothing quite like a sister can be. There is so much to share with each other, so much that you experience growing up together, so much you have in a sister. Believe it or not, I've told my kids that they can be 'best friends.' Gasp! I know! The very idea of it! But, I know it can happen! I love seeing their relationships grow and develop. I love how much they miss each other when one is away from the other.

Recently, my older daughter got a chance to spend some much needed time with her best friend. She was gone for two whole days. Kara, our five year old, missed her so much. She even had herself a good cry when she first left and spent the next two days counting down the minutes till the return of her beloved older sister was here. It's good to be missed!

One of the most awesome things that I love to hear is when Grace, Kara and Liliana get together in the other room and I hear the giggling girls. It warms my heart to see how Grace will take them and have tea parties, paint their toenails, do crafts with them and all around have fun together. The little ones eat that up like it was candy!

It truly is a blessing to have sisters who are also your friends.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-08T19:48:00.010-05:00

Can you believe it is already the beginning of a brand new year. Where did last year go, I ask myself? Seems like as you get older that time seems to go faster and faster. Maybe it's just me or maybe that is how it is.

We had a great Christmas season. Spent time making special treats, building a gingerbread house which the kids loved, enjoying our new home and the beautiful outdoors. There is something about the country and freshly fallen snow. It's beautiful. The city seems to suck the life out of it and I didn't notice that till I've just recently experienced some of the changing seasons in our new home in the woods.

Watching our littlest one experience the tree, the lights, the snow, the cookies was delightful. It usually is. You forget from year to year to look at things from a little person's perspective. Perhaps that is why Jesus has a special place in his heart for them. Their innocence and trust in Him without abandon must truly touch the heart of God. I know when those little eyes look to me to comfort, to provide, to care for whatever is the need at hand squeezes at my own heart.

I am so thankful for the gifts and blessings that the Lord has graciously given to me and my family. I think of where we are and what we are experiencing now and I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was the hand of the Lord. I am so glad that He loves us and that He has provided a way for us to be with Him in eternity...through his birth, life, death and resurrection...we can truly live.

Happy New Year!

Welcome back!

2011-11-11T20:41:00.006-05:00

As you noticed, I recently took a break from the blog world but I'm baack! Aren't you excited? Ha! Life has continued on at rapid speed and we've had much life happen as we have bumbled along which I will share with you in the future.

I just wanted to take a moment to let you know that I haven't forgotten you or lost interest in writing about our adventures. Right now we are enjoying the changing seasons from the bright, beautiful fall colors to the first flurries that are tickling our noses.

Stay tuned...

Blindsided By Bubbles

2011-04-19T20:00:00.007-04:00

Do you ever have those moments while you are out shopping and you find something that appears really fun for the kids so you get sucked into buying it? Well, I've had many of those occasions. I'm sure I'll have many more. I'm feeling impelled to share one of those lovely experiences with you.

I was recently perusing the local Target store which is one of my absolute favorite stores to do this in. I can very easily lose track of time there. I happen to come across these cute little bottles of bubbles. The kids absolutely love bubbles. Bubbles are a fun anytime kind of activity.

These bubbles were a very special kind. They happen to come in many colors. Have you ever seen fun colored bubbles? Crayola Colored Bubbles. They sounded like so much fun. I could envision the beautifully colored bubbles floating through the air with the lovely sounds of squeals of delight coming from all the kids. Oh how very fun these were going to be!

First, as a mother whose gone through many trying

moments of panic because a kid had ingested a fun product and/or had ruined a few pieces of clothing, made sure that they were non-toxic and washable. Check. Second, as a mother who has many children who tend to fight over whose toy is whose, made sure that she got each child a different color so we would know whose was whose. Therefore, hopefully bypassing a few squabbles. Now I realize they could potentially fight over the color but we are thinking good thoughts here. Check. Third, as a mother whose bought many items through the years, made sure it was a good, tried and true product. Bubbles have never let me down. Check

I happen to have had to be gone all the next day and the kids were anxiously awaiting the time when they could test out these very fun bubbles. It is no fun waiting and waiting when you know there is something you just need to test out. How can you resist fun? Why would your mother make you wait so long?? Apparently, the kids were nagging their father to be able to play with them. It was just too cold for them to do them outside so he suggested they go down and blow them in the basement.

During the day, I get a phone call telling me that the landlord and the washing machine repairman are coming over around 5:30 p.m. I come in the door around 5:00 p.m. and just happen to glance down the stairs as I was flying into the house to throw dinner together. All of the sudden, it hits me that what I saw was pure madness of color....everywhere. I went back to take look and found colorful bubble splotches everywhere. When I say everywhere I mean everywhere. Ceiling, floor, walls, shelves. I hear they were having a bubble race and Aaron won. They also mentioned they didn't like the color of the walls and they decided they were going to help with that.

All I could think of is that the landlord and the repairman were going to be there momentarily and that is what they were going to see. So after asking my husband what possessed him to suggest the kids blow the bubbles in the basement, I asked my oldest son to help me clean it up rather light speed like.

Thank goodness the floor is laminated and the walls are also so it was a fairly easy clean up. It was just a rather big area with little bits of time to do it in along with it not really being the best time for it to have happened. But is it ever? I wish I could have gotten a picture because a picture is worth a thousand words.

To top off this little experience, the next day, early in the morning, while the parents were still sleeping, the cute little kids decided to go at it again with those lovely bubbles. This time I got a picture but it just isn't the same because they had used most of the bubbles up the day before. Hopefully, you will see a small glimpse of the fun they had.

I have since seen the commercial for this product. I see all the kids running around outside blowing the colorful bubbles having a grand time and I think to myself, perhaps, they should have consulted my husband and had the next scene show a dad telling the kids to blow them downstairs in the basement and then enters the mom....

To Immunize or Not to Immunize....

2011-03-01T16:25:00.004-05:00

This is quite a controversial topic. I know people who are very passionate for both sides of this issue. I, for one, go through these 'am I doing the right thing' moments from time to time and have to reevaluate our choices on many different topics. This is because I don't want to make a mistake. Isn't that a question that most parents fret over in the decisions they must make for their children? Am I doing the right thing? How will this affect them in the years ahead?

It's tough being a parent. Much has to be decided and with all decisions, there are consequences for the good and for the bad. I get tons of information sent to me regarding the topic on immunizations/vaccinations. I get this information from both sides. All say they have the real facts and the real statistics. Who do you listen to? How do you really make an informed choice? How do you know their opinions aren't based on political agenda's and how much money they are making or being supported by others who have a certain agenda? One side is trying to sabotage the other and in the midst of that war, what is best for the children get's lost. It really is tough to know the truth.

On one side, I know personally families who have been greatly affected by the choice to immunize. Their childrens lives have been forever changed. I also have a child that was affected by an immunization. Even though it was a brief reaction and didn't have too much of a lasting affect, it was scary. Not having a supportive doctor also affected the situation greatly. So where do you go from there? If one is affected, will your other children also have a tendency towards reactions? Do you risk it? It's like Russian roulette.

On the other side, if you don't immunize, is it of greater risk to possibly catch these diseases? What if your child gets something later down the road? Will they survive? There are even people out there who would love to sue the shirt off your back for you not immunizing and putting others at risk for catching something you have. Some even claim that not immunizing is child abuse. There is a possibility that these immunizations can cause cancer, autism, abdominal issues, neurological diseases, narcolepsy and even death. Which is worse, the disease or the side effects? Which do you choose?

And why oh why, are people so worried about exposing your children to lead, formaldehyde, mercury and other poisons so much so that they place certain laws in place to keep them from it in the environment but willing sign off on it for vaccinations stating that it is perfectly healthy to put it into shots for babies and toddlers. How do you justify that? It's not ok to breathe it but it's ok to shoot it into your child's leg via a shot? Something just isn't right about that.

So here I am again, revisiting this awful choice I have to make. I feel much like no matter what choice I make, the outcome isn't pretty and it's not the right one.

Gobble! Gobble!

2010-11-27T11:16:00.006-05:00

No matter how much I try to sneak some new dishes in each holiday, the kids refuse to give up their stuffed eggs. Grace had the pleasure of making them this year and they were mmmm...mmm..good!

Aaron is our picky eater. There are only a few items in the whole wide world that he will eat. I remember when I said I will never have a picky eater and then, we got Aaron. Never say never....! A round of corn dogs for his special Thanksgiving meal and he was one happy kid.

Some people got a little nap before dinner. I know...I know...usually that happens after the yummy meal. Guess we are resting up so we have lots of energy to partake of the feast! Don't worry about the drool....he's only dreaming of the Turkey and double layer pumpkin pie!

Look who's cookin??!! Don't you just want to gobble her up?!!

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

Surprise!

2010-10-26T16:47:00.004-04:00

Miss Lil' has her first tooth!~

Living with Chronic Pain...

2010-08-20T10:08:00.005-04:00

It's hard to know what to say. We are struggling. Some days are tough to get through. Some days are not so tough. Mostly I just feel helpless.

Bob has been through test after test after test, treatment after treatment, after treatment. The doctors are scratching their heads at the results. Nothing is really coming back with anything that is explaining the debilitating pain that he is in daily. The only real evidence is that he has eleven damaged disks in his back which were not giving him trouble till he started physical therapy last Fall. It doesn't explain the pain he experiences day to day in other places for the last three and a half years.

This last treatment they tried was to see if they could do a nerve ablation. In order to do that, they injected steroid shots in the area where they thought would be the nerves that were giving him the most trouble. It didn't work as the doctors suspected since the previous steroid shot treatment didn't work earlier this year.

From what we understand at this point is that what the doctors are suspecting is that when Bob had his gall bladder surgery, it disrupted his nervous system for whatever reason and now it is just misfiring. They see this in some people who have had surgery. It leaves them in debilitating pain. You just don't know how your body is going to react to a surgery.

This debilitating chronic pain could morph into a fibromyalgia state which we've kind of seen. His pain started in the gall bladder area and ran along that nerve that runs across the bottom of your rib cage to pain in his back, pain in his arms, pain in his sides. It's just pain....awful, awful pain. He wakes with pain, sleeps (when he can) with pain, eats with pain, lives with pain. It never ever goes away.

The deeply disappointing news is that there is no cure for it. For Bob, this means a life of pain management. We knew it could be a possibility but still held onto hope that there would be something they could do to fix it so that he could have some relief. It is a devastating blow to hear the reality that that is not going to be the case. That for the rest of his life we are going to be living with this. I say 'we' because this doesn't just affect him, it affects our whole family.

It affects how we start our day, how we do things, how we go places, how we go to bed for the night, it affects everything and every moment of our day as a family. It is hard for people to understand as it isn't something you can see until it builds up to a debilitating level which it does throughout the day based on his activity level or just because. Sometimes he crawls into the house after being somewhere because I can't carry him. Sometimes, he can't cut up his food, pour his coffee or take a shower. It's a very humiliating state to be in.

In spite of our recent eviction notice, our recent denial of disability for the second time, and facing the recent reality that this isn't curable, we are holding onto God, the One who created our bodies and knows our every pain. I am holding on to the promise that He will restore the years the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25) that He is a strong tower (Provers 18:10) and He will provide what we need (Matthew 6:25).

Don't get me wrong, we've all experienced major frustration, deep disappointment and even anger. I've thrown my own set of temper tantrums and experienced doubt. Then I've had to quiet my soul and ask for forgiveness. God knows all of our thoughts even before we know them and yet, He still loves me, He accepts me for who I am and is deeply concerned about me.

I have to remember that His ultimate purpose in all of these trials is for my good and His glory. Not the kind of good I think of because to me that is all about my comfort here on this earth. His kind of good is all about the state of my heart spiritually. We are suppose to be becoming more like Him, less like the selfish me along with my faith being developed through tough times (James 1:2-4).

I am so thankful for the whispers of encouragement He sends through His people, for His unconditional love, and knowing that I don't have to try to 'do' this on my own. He promises to never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).

A Day Of Learning

2010-08-11T08:41:00.011-04:00

We recently took a trip to the zoo. This takes a bit of planning these days to do things like this especially with a crew of this size, six kids, two adults, stroller, diaper bag, cooler, etc. One wonders if maybe they should put the car top carrier on for such an occasion.

Upon arriving at the zoo, we noticed a sign for members only pointing to a special west entrance for just those special people. We thought it would be an excellent idea to use this entrance as there weren't as many people and you could park really close making it easier for Bob to get to.
One of the requirements for us to enjoy our time at the zoo was to get a scooter for Bob.

Upon unloading the van and all of it's contents, we began our journey into the zoo. We found out that at this special entrance, there were no wheel chairs, scooters, wagons or other such equipment available to make the trip through the displays easier. We had to make our way to the very back to rent the scooter. Bob thought he could make it so we continued on....

After making a few stops at various animal displays on our way to the back of the zoo, I noticed that we were losing Bob. He began to hurt pretty bad so he was slowing down to a crawl. I realized he wasn't looking to good, he was really pale but he was smiling. I think he was just glad to be doing something with us instead of being stuck at home. You don't realize what a blessing it is to be with your family and to be able to do things without hurting so when life events occur and you have it to deal with, you push and fight to regain just a moment of that in the midst of your struggles.

I did have a brief moment of panic though. I thought we were going to get stuck in the middle of the zoo with him not being able to move. I wondered what I would do with the baby and the other children while trying to help him. I realized that we can no longer just go do things randomly but have to think about things like: Is it handicap accessible, do they have medical personnel on board if needed, do they have scooters at the entrance, how far is it, etc. We even have to think about the car ride there and back. This being our first big family activity since Bob got sick was a bit of a comedy of errors. We will know what to do to make it easier and better for all next time.

By taking small breaks and walking very slowly we managed to get to our destination only to find out they didn't have any scooters available at that outpost. Sigh. The attendant must of suspected he wasn't doing well because she called up front and insisted that one of the security guards drive the golf cart to the back to pick Bob up and take him to the front to pick up a scooter.

The kids had a lot of fun even though we wasted much time just trying to get the scooter. They enjoyed being driven around on the scooter. I think that was a highlight for the younger ones. The other highlight was the spray misters they have throughout the zoo making it more bearable on a hot day. I don't think the zoo intended those to be used to soak oneself but hey, when you are a kid, soaking yourself is super way cool.

I am looking forward to our next trip back there hopefully in the next month. We will know better how to handle things, therefore, giving us more time to see more of the animal displays. Sometimes life is all about handling new situations with grace and that is what we are trying to do. In the process, it makes you more compassionate for those who struggle on a day to day basis.

Ryan's Big Day

2010-08-05T07:31:00.006-04:00

We recently celebrated Ryan's big day! He is now nine years old and is glad about that. Nine is a fun age to be. One of the things he absolutely loves is animals so a trip to the zoo was a perfect idea but it had to wait until the next day due to the weather. Ryan is absolutely thrilled that his number nine birthday is finally here because he is a man now. Arm pit hair is just around the corner as this is something he is looking forward to. Why do kids always want to grow up faster than they are?

One of the highlights of the day was the downpour of rain that made ginormous puddles in the parking lot which we zoomed through with the car making huge waves. This apparently humored him to great lengths. His older brother ran through them soaking his shoes and shorts which left Ryan not wanting to be left out of that fun. It became a fun sport between the two of them and as I watched them enjoying their rascally moment, I tried not to think about the wet shoes. They'll dry, right??!!

One of the items he wanted for his birthday was a paddle ball so we went on the search. I didn't realize how many stores I would have to go to to find such an item. Believe it or not, we finally found it at the grocery store. Crazy. Perhaps now he'll practice hard and become the world paddle ball champion which is his goal. Ah, I love that kid.

He wanted bratwurst and lemon cake for his special dinner and that is what he got. All in all, it was a fun day with a very fun boy (I mean man).

Happy Birthday, Ryan!

A Trip to the Slurpee Shop

2010-07-09T09:30:00.003-04:00

Many moons ago, I implemented a reward for my kids during their potty training expeditions. The disclaimer was that it wasn't for 'peeing' but for the big one, the one that makes a mess and stinks really bad. If you know me, you know how much I hate poop. So it is worth every penny and my time to take them to the local 7-11 for a lusciously cold slurpee that consists of a sample of 40 flavors just so they will have tons of encouragement to put the poo where it is suppose to go.

Now in theory, my plan was to take them once a week but somehow it got all scrambled up in their minds to where they think this should be a daily occurrence. In a perfect world where sugar isn't an issue and neither is my bank account, that would be fun but reality is reality. We shoot for once a week but sometimes life is busy and we don't get there for two.

With all that has gone on over the last year, we've had some hurdles to overcome with our now four year old. She is now potty trained. It took about 2 days and boy, does she love the slurpee reward! So off to the slurpee shop we go. However, I have an 8 year old and a 6 year old that think that reward was instituted for life. Since everyone has been extremely helpful this past week, I took three of the younger ones all at the same time.

Now boys will be boys and once we got to the 7-11, they bolted out of the car like a bullet. This is not what they are suppose to do but the desire for this cool treat must have erased from their minds, the rules we have in place. I must admit that it takes a few minutes for my four year old to get out of the car. She has to unbuckle her seat belt, then she climbs in the driver's seat along with taking a few minutes to inspect everything. You just never know what treasure you'll find in the car. She has to come out my side of the vehicle every time. Why you ask? Because she loves me and she wants to go wherever I go. Waiting for her just takes too much time for two rascally boys.

Did you know that it's very hard for a four year old girl to make a decision on what cup she wants? While I was trying to encourage her to decide on one, my 8 year old had grabbed his cup, placed the dome lid on and had placed his under the blue slurpee spout turning it full on. Blue slurpee spurted out everywhere. I mean everywhere...on the floor, filled the disposal tray under it, coated the top of it and covered his hand that was holding the cup..did I mention the floor?? Do you think we were the only ones getting slurpee's? No, nope, noway. There was a line behind us because everyone else had the same idea of taking their kids there. I could almost hear the 'sigh's' escaping the mouths of the parents behind me. We almost got ran out of town!

After I cleaned up the mess, apologized profusely to the line of people behind me, got the kids their slurpee treats, reminded them about waiting for me and not leaving my side, we paid for these delectable treats and managed somehow to get back in the car. All of the sudden, I was feeling very, very tired. What if I curled up in the back seat for just a few moments. Do you think anyone would notice me sucking my thumb?? Instead, I opted for driving these cute little ones home. As I looked in my rear view mirror, I saw lots of smiles and heard lots of giggling as they were sucking down their treats. I see why God made children so cute. They can turn your clenched teeth into a laugh very quickly. Their giggles were my reward! I can't wait till next week....

A Temptation Too Great...

2010-06-26T09:47:00.007-04:00

This past week, we had some beautiful weather. It sure seems like a waste to just stay inside. So I got rather ambitious and loaded all six kids up in our van and headed on over to the park. It was my first adventure with all six of those cute little people...well, some of them are not so little anymore but taller than me.

The thing about kids is that they come with stuff like one wanted his scooter, one needed a stroller, one wanted her precious animals (the stuffed kind), and this goes on and on depending on the particular moment and the particular child. Let's not forget the diaper bag, the camera, drinks because you just need a drink when you are at the park. By the time, you load everyone up and all this stuff, you feel like you need a trailer to hitch onto the back of the car. It really truly is an adventure just getting to the car.

So we get to the park and everyone bolts out of the car much to my frazzlement (yes, I know that is not a word...it is one in my own personal dictionary though). Trying to keep them all together and not let them run around in the parking lot or disappear into the park before I know where they were was my first encounter at the park that day. Actually, at that point, I truly had had enough fun for the day and we could have just packed the van back up and headed home. I would have been satisfied that we did something...together.However, that would have caused much distress to some of my kids since they had their little hearts set on exploring the world at the park.

So my next brilliant idea was to go check out the fountain at the back of this park before we got settled by the slide. We've been here once before but I never got past the playground. I heard the fountain area was very nice and wanted to see it for myself.

Let me tell you...I should have known that whether it be a mud puddle or a beautiful fountain filled with water..it calls to my children. It doesn't matter that the sign says 'stay out of the fountain'. The temptation is just to great and before I knew what hit me...I had three kids playing in the water drenching themselves from head to toe. Do you think that in all the stuff I brought, that there was anything to dry off with. Of course not!

All and all they had fun splashing around in the water and Ryan was pleased as punch that the 'park people' didn't yell at him to get out. Perhaps, I looked like a frazzled mother and they felt sympathy for me or perhaps, they saw all the kids who were also as tempted as mine on such a warm day and decided not to say anything. I personally probably should have made them get out but they were having so much fun and I was glad for something to entertain them besides me. I do think that making a park and placing the fountain so close to the playground where the temptation is greater than the strength children possess is just too much to resist. I mean, really, who planned that one???

Needless to say, we never made it to the slide or the swings. The younger ones now refer to that park as the 'water park' and cannot wait to go back. Should I send a note to the 'park people' to drain the fountain before we come or should we just let it be is the question of the day. I think Liliana had the right idea. It was a great day to take a nap! If only she knew what fun she missed...

Welcome Home!

2010-06-11T11:54:00.001-04:00

Our third birthday celebration for May is the birth of our newest child, Liliana Hope Marie. She is perfect right down to her toes.

I am so thankful to God for the last nine months. In all that we were dealing with surrounding Bob, God gave me the strength to not only have a very healthy pregnancy but also to help Bob through his health struggles. I won't lie, it was tough. It's hard on a normal level to be point person for someone who needs help with their care, for five children and to be pregnant on top of it. I felt God's precious grace the whole time.

I ended up having to be induced. Not something I was overly thrilled about but I have never carried a baby past my due date. This was a first for me as I am usually 7-14 days early (which I was counting on). God answered many prayers for this little one and for myself:

At 37 weeks, we found out she was breech. Surprise! So a C-Section was scheduled. We had many people praying especially all those lovely ladies at 5 points church. Bob had laid his hand on my stomach and prayed over me the night we found out she was breech. Two days later, we went in to another ultrasound and she had totally flipped around and got herself in the right position. The doctor was so amazed. He said he just doesn't see that very often. I will never forget the look on his face when we gave him the news. He called the hospital to get confirmation of the ultrasound and then, canceled that c-section. We know that was God!

I was very concerned with how I was going to get to the hospital should I go into labor. Who is safer to drive? A woman in labor or a man who is on narcotics for pain? God worked that out even though being induced wasn't what I wanted. At least, we were both at the hospital before either of those concerns where an issue.

While in labor, she was posterior but by the time she was ready to be born, she, again flipped around and came out just the way she was suppose to. Again...God worked that out.

And finally, one of the concerns I had that gave me great anxiety was Bob. I prayed and prayed over the last few months for him. I worried about how he was going to get through labor and delivery as I know he has very little time between pain medications that provide any amount of relief. I worried that he was going to be curled up in the fetal position in the corner while I was giving birth to our daughter. I even worried that he wouldn't be able to be there. But God provided a miracle. He overdosed Bob on HIS grace allowing the pain meds to work longer and allowing him to be there for us. It was a true testament to the power of prayer and God's sufficient provision. God is amazing and I thank him over and over again when I think on the events of that day. Not only did God give me the gift of my husband but he also blessed me with another amazing little child.

Welcome to our family, sweet little one...

15

2010-06-10T11:15:00.003-04:00

Our second birthday celebration in May is for our oldest. He is now 15. I have to keep reminding myself just how old he is because I just can't believe that that much time has gone by since I had my first child. If only you could slow time down just a bit....

Unfortunately, birthdays, holidays, special days all come whether you are financially ready to celebrate them or not. I am afraid this birthday was a bit of a disappointment as he had big plans for how he wanted to celebrate. He decided that his birthday is on hold for now until we can get to where he wants to be in order to do what he had planned. I am hoping he isn't still waiting when he's 35.

I think it's harder to come to terms with life situations as older children. The younger ones are somewhat oblivious to their parents financial struggles and are more easily pleased with the little things that we can do for them. It is a tough place to be in as a parent because I am completely disappointed myself in what I couldn't do for him. My heart breaks every time a situation comes up like this and I have to tell them I just can't meet their wishes.

On the flip side of that, it is a good life lesson. Life doesn't always go as planned and sometimes we have to adjust and come to terms with that. I'm still learning that myself. It's not a lesson I like to learn. I want to be able to do what I want and it's difficult to not be able to. We have to be very careful that we don't let these disappointments fester inside us and turn into bitterness and hatred, growing our hearts cold.

I know that birthday presents and going out to eat are all superficial things. These things are not what we live for. However, I think it's alight with God to enjoy those things as long as we don't make them our central focus.

The one thing that we are rich in is the love we have for each other. I know to a 15 year old, that isn't what you are concentrating on and it's hard to keep everything in proper perspective. But...it's the truth. Love is what we have to share....the love of Christ in us and the love we have for one another. I hope and pray that someday my kids will all look back on this time and see that shining brighter than all the pain and struggles we endured....that and the giant chocolate chip cookie we had instead of a cake.

Turning 4

2010-06-04T09:12:00.004-04:00

May is a busy month for us. We now have 3 birthday's to celebrate. The first one being our Kara, who is now the big '4'. On the day of her birthday, Bob asked her if she felt any older and she told him she felt like she was 11. Should I be worried??

We asked Miss Kara what kind of cake she wanted and her choice for this year was pink cupcakes with pink frosting. That was fairly simple or so I thought. Have you ever had a 4 year old 'helping' you? The pink cupcakes were a hit with her. However, the next day she asked me when her birthday was. So we talked about how she had cupcakes the day before. She looked at me with a puzzled look and informed me that was not her birthday because we didn't have a round cake. Either she was trying to get a second birthday out of the deal or she really thought she should have a round cake and pink cupcakes. Maybe next year I'll get with it.

One of her prized gifts was a Cinderella polly pocket. It came with Prince Charming, a carriage and a pony. I had thought this was a great gift for her considering the fact that she was asking for a pony for her birthday. Earlier this year, she had been asking for a dragon and a puppy until her brothers informed her that dragons are fire breathing creatures. She decided she didn't want the puppy burnt up so she changed her birthday wish to a puppy and a pony.

She was a bit disappointed in the polly pocket set because the carriage would only hold Cinderella. She asked me why they didn't make it so both her 'guys' could fit. I was wondering that myself. Perhaps, we should send a suggestion to Mattel.

Unfortunately, Cinderella didn't last too long. Her 'boys' (brothers) got to playing too rough with her new present and popped the head off of poor Cinderella upsetting one new four year old. The hilarious thing was that she decided to play with the headless Cinderella until her mama could get to the store to get her a new one. So we have this headless polly pocket toy in our possession which I don't dare throw out until I can get a replacement. We talk about how this is going to get rectified daily. She never forgets and is always willing to remind me....just in case, I forget.

More Tests....

2010-05-08T13:23:00.002-04:00

It's been a whirlwind of a month full of doctor appointments for Bob and I both along with more tests for Bob, the final countdown for the baby's arrival with a sprinkling of kid activities thrown in there. Just reading that makes me tired, for sure. I am not sure how we fit it all in but there it is....Life.

We got the results back from Bob's EMG test and everything looks good. This is frustrating and it is awesome news all wrapped up into one neat little white sheet of paper explaining all this from the doctor. We very much want to find out what is going inside Bob's body but at the same time are praying so very hard that it is not something terminal while trying to maintain some kind of hope that it is curable. Since we still haven't any answers and considering Bob's pain level when getting that test done and the result being good, the doctors, who are scratching their heads in disbelief, prescribed a myelogram test.

It is not a fun test to have especially when you are in severe pain constantly. They remove a small amount of your spinal fluid and inject same amount of dye at the base of your spine. Then, while you are laying on this table with handles to hold onto, they tip your head down to let the dye run from the lower spine all the way up. During this process, they take lots and lots of pictures.

In Bob's situation, they injected the dye which decided to just get caught in his lumbar spine and stay there. We now know it's because he's got some bad disks in that area along with some arthritis which makes it more difficult to get the dye past. After repeated attempts of trying to get the dye to move on up the spine, they were somewhat successful but the poor guy was put through the wringer to get this to happen. As he was lying on the table crying, the doctors were trying to decide whether to proceed any further to try to get it up into the C-Spine area which is the neck area. They decided not to.

After they completed the test, Bob had to stay in the hospital for several hours to monitor the spinal area. Spinal fluid loss is just not a good thing. He was released to go home later that day with strict instructions to do absolutely nothing. You do not want the puncture in the spinal area to break open. So for 48 hours, I watched for any signs of leaking and had to become the armed drill sergeant to keep him from trying to do anything.

He didn't do too badly for the first 24 hours except for a bit of a headache which they said was normal. However, by late evening and early morning following that, his head was hurting so excruciatingly bad that I ended up taking him into the ER. Apparently, the fluid can leak into the muscle tissue and not be visible to the eye since it's leaking on the inside which was what was happening to Bob. He had a spinal headache that was making him throw up. They did a procedure called a 'blood patch' which provided relief in just a short period time. After a couple of days, he started up with another headache but not quite as bad this time. This is apparently normal also as your body is trying to rebuild the lost spinal fluid. Definitely, not a fun test to have.

We saw the doctor yesterday regarding the results of the myelogram. It showed that in the lower spine he's got some arthritis and disk herniation along with a couple little spots of spinal narrowing but nothing that should cause him this severe of pain or any of what is going on with Bob. Since every test he has had is coming back mostly fine, the doctor wants to revisit the idea of Fibromyalgia. There is no test that can confirm completely that is what is going on. It is a process of elimination. His symptoms kind of go along with that theory. They have him started on a new medication to see if it helps. So they will be testing that on him for the next few weeks to see if there are any changes.

In the face of that diagnosis, we are dealing with some disappointment because there is no cure. Just as we have for the last three years, we are trying to find a way to function, to live and deal with the debilitating pain that has become such a part of our lives. To come to terms with the fact that was once normal may never be again. To trust God with it all and allow Him to make some kind of good out of it. We have to put our lives, the lives of our children, our hopes and dreams and plans in the hands of God.

It is very difficult to give up what you want and to trust God with it all. My independent spirit wants what I want but God wants us to want what He desires. If we can somehow let go and let God do what He does, this whole situation will turn out amazing and glorifying to Him. It's my own selfishness that gets in the way and prohibits God's plan. So once again, I come before the Lord, giving it all to Him and am desperately trying to leave my hands off it. He has promised us HOPE and a FUTURE. He will restore us maybe not as we envision but as He has envisioned and known before time began.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The Pain Patch

2010-03-30T21:34:00.003-04:00

After the whole fun trip to the social security office with a side trip on the way home to the emergency room just to kick the weekend off with a bang, we were able to make an emergency appointment with the pain doctor for the following Monday. It was an agonizingly long appointment. But don't all doctor appointments seem agonizingly long when you don't feel too swell?

A visit to the pain doctor usually is long. They have to ask lots and lots of questions as to how you are doing since your last visit. What kind of pain brings you in there to see them and so on. This you have to tell to the first nurse and then the nurse practitioner and then the doctor. As Bob is laying there in agony, I have wondered if it was possible to round up all three and have them come in there so we could do this all at once. Or maybe we could just record it and they could go over it later? I guess that is not their policy. I thought it was a good idea.

After going over what happened at the disability appointment, his overall pain levels and the concerns our family doctor has as to the effects debilitating pain has on the mind, they gave us two choices. One was a pain patch that has to be changed every 72 hours. The other was morphine. We chose the patch or should I say I chose it on his behalf. By the time we got to this part of the appointment, he was in too much pain to make a conscious thought or decision. Kind of like when we were at the ER and the nurse asked him what his pain level was at and he told them...ah, a 6 or a 7. The nurse then looked at me and I said how about we try a 12. The nurse said that she'd go with my answer since it seemed more in line with what was going on.

He also is having an awful time with his balance. His pain levels are throwing everything off including that along with some of the medication he is taking. The doctor's office was offering to prescribe a walker but Bob isn't ready to go that route right now so we opted for a four prong cane. There is nothing about what is happening to him that isn't frustrating and somewhat humiliating. It's hard when you are at a point in life, when canes, walkers and narcotics are not where you want to be or should even be. To not have any real concrete answers as to why just adds to the weight of the whole situation. There are some other things that the doctor could try to ease the pain if only we knew exactly where the source of pain is coming from. For now, those are on the back burner.

He's been on the pain patch for a couple weeks now. They are hoping between the patch, another narcotic, a nerve blocker and an anti-inflammatory, that it will help him at least have some relief. It has helped. It's brought the pain levels down a notch enough to let him sleep more than he was, to get around the house in small doses and to be able to take a shower without help. However, he still has awful periods of pain off and on during the day which they warned us would happen. We have another visit to the pain doctor in a couple weeks to which they will determine if they need to up the dosage on the patch to the next level. So far, I'm thinking they are going to have to. While it's helping, he is still not able to do a whole lot.

He's hoping that if they could just get the pain down lower, he could work. That is so heavy on his heart. His not being able to provide for us has been one of the worst things about this whole situation. We continue to pray for his healing. That God will bring that about soon but we also know that God has a plan and a purpose for all of this.

We both want to share the hope of Christ in even the most desperate situations that we face. It's hard sometimes. We've experienced despair, discouragement and moments of hopelessness but we know beyond all that, God fills us with the grace, the strength, and the courage to face each day as it comes. One reason we are able to do that is due to the prayers that are going up on our behalf and the spiritual food we are constantly feeding our souls. How could you survive one moment of affliction or trials without your eyes properly focused on the One who is our source of strength, our source of courage and on the One who gives us life? When my eyes lose that focus, that is when I fail to function in hope, courage and strength.

If you are in a desperate situation, remember that God has not forgotten you. He has his eye on you and will not let you go. Seek Him with your whole heart and hang onto to him. He is the only way, the only truth and only through Him do we have what it takes to live this life.

A Day at the Disability Office...

2010-03-17T10:09:00.003-04:00

This past Friday we had an appointment to file for disability. We had previously filed awhile ago but were denied. They don't like 'pain' as a diagnosis. We could have appealed but needed an attorney which we couldn't afford and didn't know who to go with along with the fact we were scrambling to find a place to live and pack the contents of our home. So here we are again....

We visited with a lawyer recently to discuss just exactly how to go about all this and to seek some advice. He suggested we just refile and then, he would help us from there. He was pretty confident that we had a great case for filing as anything that requires Bob to attend outside of the reclined position is excruciatingly painful and leaves him curled up on the floor in a sobbing mess. The lawyer saw this in action firsthand. This is so humiliating for him but hasn't much control over it when the pain is that bad. The hard part is me getting him to the car when he's in that position.

We had previously filed online but the lawyer told us that we needed to actually go into the office so that claims person could see for herself what kind of shape he was in. I guess they have a list of mental evaluations that they make while you are in the interview. So this is what we did. We went into the office and filed.

It was a horribly long, long interview as they gathered any and all information. After about the first half hour, Bob was incapacitated and absolutely unable to answer any of the questions to which I ended up finishing up the interview for him. At some point, Bob was on the floor hunched over holding his cane sweating so badly that his hair and shirt were absolutely soaked just trying to maintain breathing that the security guard came over asking us if we needed an ambulance or medical attention. We thought if we could get him into a different position that might help so the security guard tried to help him by grabbing onto his sides which are an area of extreme pain. This just catapulted him into more pain. I felt bad for the security guard. He didn't know and felt awful about it.

Periodically, the security guard would walk by and check on him along with some of the other workers. We finally came to the end of the appointment and it was time to get to the car. It was a long, long walk to the car and I had an awful time trying to get him to it. He's so worried that he's going to hurt me or the baby but we try to manage as best we can. I couldn't leave him there. I don't think they'd allow that. :-)

By the time we got to the car, he was doing even worse so I ended up taking a stop at the ER. The pain was more than he could bear. With the help of some nurses, we got him inside and to a bed in no time flat. I am so thankful that there wasn't any wait. That was a small miracle in itself. They ended up giving him a pretty hefty anti-inflammatory/pain shot which settled things down a bit and then we were on our way.

When we got home, our family doctor called and Bob was able to talk things over with him. Coincidentally, Bob had sent him an email earlier that day explaining what a tough week he'd had pain-wise to the point, he's been having to wake me up during the night to help him. The doctor is very concerned with the amount of pain Bob is having to endure for such a long time on his mental condition so he didn't want us to wait the couple weeks we were originally scheduled to go back to the pain doctor. So he was to call and see if they could get him in ASAP.

We are hoping that we will hear something from the disability office in the least amount of time possible but it could take 3-6 months. It's in God's hands now. We have a lawyer who is ready to help when the time comes even though we still can't afford him but are confident that God will provide the necessary means as He has been so faithful through this whole ordeal. I know that He will not abandon us just as He has promised.

It's a tough place to be....'in need'. I know that disability and state help is there for those who need it but it's hard to be in a position of need. We have always loved to be the 'helpers' but have had to learn how to accept 'help'. The emotional and mental implications of having been in this position are difficult. We don't like to impose or be a burden but are so thankful for those of you who have offered your hearts, your hands and your sustaining friendship. You are a true example of what the body of Christ is and continues to be....the hands and feet of Christ.

Pain Treatment - Round 3

2010-03-12T11:01:00.002-05:00

It's been a couple of weeks since my husbands last treatment with the pain shots in his back. Unfortunately, we've seen no relief from all three sets. It's extremely disappointing as I was sure this was going to help if only to dull the pain some which would have been a welcome result. We knew this was a possibility but yet, when you are in that much pain, you hold onto every hope that something...anything will work.

Our family doctor also ran a panel of blood work on his immune system before we proceed to seeing a immunologist. We received the results on that this week. Everything came back negative. This is great news, however, we are still at a loss as to what is causing this debilitating pain. He's seen so many doctors and had so many tests but still remains to be undiagnosed. Frustration doesn't come close to how we are feeling.

We are currently waiting on one more test result to come back. He had an EMG last week to see if they could pinpoint which nerve set is causing the problem. Hopefully, they will call soon. The waiting on test results is driving me nutty.

I'm not sure what is coming next. We need to talk to the doctor after we get this last test result back. It's a feeling of helplessness. We have exhausted so many different avenues but nothing is being revealed. Bob has been in more pain then he usually is this week if that is possible. I feel so desperate for answers so we can proceed with some kind of treatment, some kind of relief. Watching him sob from the pain and the weariness of dealing with it day after day is so draining emotionally for all of us.

It's so hard for me to hold onto hope when there just doesn't seem to be any answers or any hope of finding one. I know that God has this situation in His hands and that He has a plan for this. It's almost impossible for me in my humanness to even contemplate how any good can come from this. This is especially difficult when I feel like we are merely existing and trying to get through each hour without losing it. Sometimes when his pain level is at it's highest and he's had all the pain meds he can take, all I can do is sit there and hold his hand praying that God will give us both the courage and strength to make it through. It's my faith in Christ and not my feelings that I have to hold onto. My feelings are so undependable but God is not. He knows our pain. He supplies our needs, that also includes emotional needs and is working this all out no matter what state of mind I may be in.

We've both been fighting discouragement the last few weeks and are so appreciative of the prayers that have gone up on our behalf. This race we are running is a tough one and all the support we've been shown has been like a cool, refreshing cup of water that inspires us to get up and continue moving forward. So thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your friendship, for your love and for your prayers as we continue to search for some answers.

Another turn...

2010-02-12T10:36:00.000-05:00

We had a visit with the neurosurgeon to go over my husband's MRI results a couple days ago. The doctor's take on what he saw was that even though Bob has eleven damaged disks, that while there might be some back pain, it is not the cause of his debilitating, chronic pain. He believes there is something else going on. His suggestion was to see a immunologist. It could be an auto-immune/musculoskeletel issue. So we are back at square one.

I cannot tell you how utterly agonizing this is not only to, after three years and several different ideas of what might be wrong, to be back at not knowing. We've been fighting discouragement since we left the doctors office. The idea of it being an auto-immune issue scares me to death. From what I know (which could be potentially dangerous), an auto-immune disease is definitely not a good thing. I felt better with it being a back issue.

The other frustrating aspect of this is that it's been three years and the doctors still don't know what is wrong. This just goes to show you that sometimes our bodies even stump the doctors. Sometimes, it is simply a process of elimination, to find out the answer which takes time. So my husband remains to be a mystery even to the highly educated doctors. I knew he was special!

On the way home from the doctors appointment, Bob kept asking me so where do we go from here. The answer to that is to keep praying, keep holding on to the hope of Christ and His promises and to go see the immunologist. It's step one. Then we go from there....one day at a time.

The discouragement is devastating. It is hanging around my head like a little black rain cloud. I'm refusing to completely give into it but I can feel it threatening to overtake me. I do find it amazing that for the past few days, I keep hearing sermons and words of encouragement from people to be relentless, to never give up. I know that God is trying to tell me something and I need to listen up.

It has been so difficult to face the realities of what is going on. I know that my husband has struggled with the aspect of not being able to provide for us, to watch our family struggle with what is going on, to know that the things you use to be able to do now are impossible or are extremely difficult. I am amazed at what he does accomplish when he is able as he refuses to become a vegetable lying on the couch. However, some days it is quite an accomplishment to just get off the couch and get to the restroom. Our whole world has been turned upside down. The things that were once are no more and we struggle, as do our children, with the unknown....will we be able to again? That is a question I can't answer and it makes me sad.

How do people deal with debilitation? One day you are functioning at full force and the next, a broken individual whether it be a car accident, a stroke, a heart attack or some other health issue. We just do not know what will happen from one day to the next. We have to place our trust in God and to never give up our faith in Him even in the face of the unknown. Without God, you will get swallowed up in the hopelessness of the situation which in my opinion, is worse than the condition itself. Hang on to hope, the hope of Christ.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

We have seen God's promises revealed in our own lives time and time again. I cannot say it enough...that HE will do as HE promised. You may have to wait on HIS timing and that is sometimes difficult but well worth the wait. Do not loose hope. He's got us in the palm of his hand and has a plan for us even in this seemingly impossible situation.

So...even in the face of the unknown and in this place that seems so overwhelmingly impossible, we continue to praise Him--to say Blessed be your name....

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
where your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name...

Blessed be your name
when I'm found in the desert place
When I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say....
Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world is all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Where there is pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will chose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name...

Pain Treatment - Round 2

2010-02-10T09:44:00.002-05:00

I stand corrected. The pain shots that my husband is receiving is not a treatment per se but considered pain 'management.' It is complicated when it comes to chronic pain for there is no cure for it but rather, trying to manage the pain so that you can somehow make it through the day. It was rather overwhelming sitting in the waiting room at the pain clinic watching all the people who are suffering from it. Pain is very debilitating.

My husband had his second round of pain shots last week. This time, though, he was not in and out in an hour and half. After hour 3 passed, I started to panic. I kept hearing someone or should I say I thought I could hear someone sobbing and it sounded like my husband. Of course, the reality of that is slim since he was in the back of the office behind closed doors and I was in the front waiting room with the television blaring and the people talking. Your mind likes to play little tricks on you. Nevertheless, he was in there for double the time and I knew something wasn't right. I kept trying to reason with myself that I was over-reacting and that I needed to calm down. The nurses were so slammed that day so I was trying not to in my panic, bother them so I just waited.

Finally, after another 45 long, agonizing minutes, they wheeled him out. It was a beautiful sight and relief flooded over me. I almost started sobbing right there but I managed to hold it together which is a mighty amazing feat considering being six months pregnant. After we got in the car, he did tell me that he had a pain attack in the very beginning before they even were able to start the shot process. When this happens, he can't move because the pain is so intense. So the doctor had to give him other medication and wait for it to get into action which then put him back in the rotation for the shots. So he was sobbing but it was in the very beginning not at the time I thought I was hearing him.

I cannot tell you how many times over the last three years I have struggled with the very idea that he might in the end die. I know that for every person this is a reality. Our physical bodies are not meant to live on forever but we do have the choice where our spiritual bodies will live. If you've accepted Christ as Lord and Savior, then you will spend eternity in heaven. The alternative choice is hell. I know that my husband belongs to the Lord and if it is his time to go, then I know where he will be. The idea of the separation and not having him here with me is what has me in a tizzy.

I was so relieved when the doctors had determined recently that the source of his pain was his back because it meant that it wasn't a terminal illness. His pain has been such a mystery for so long and to finally have an answer was such a relief. But somehow, I continue to worry. It's my talent, I guess. I worry that his body is going to get tired of dealing with the pain, I worry that his heart will give out, I worry that something else is wrong....I didn't say I made sense all the time. I do find myself checking to see if he's breathing when he's lying so still when he's sleeping. I know, those thoughts can be irrational but it is something that I struggle with periodically.

So the Lord has been teaching me to trust even when nothing makes any sense. I know that if it came to a point where I would lose my beloved, that God will give me the strength and the courage to face that. I have to trust that God will take care of things if that should happen, just as he is taking care of us now. We have seen some pretty amazing God moments. That will never change as long as I hold onto Him.

It's been six days since his second round of shots and we see no relief again. It's very frustrating. It's hard not to get swallowed up in discouragement. We had so hoped that this would even dull the pain some so that he could function a bit more than what he has been able to. For it not to work, is just deeply disappointing. So we keep moving forward, taking each day as it comes. We keep trusting, believing and praying that God will help us find our way in all this which He does and continues to do.....daily.

Pain Treatment - Round 1

2010-02-03T09:48:00.002-05:00

I've always struggled with the month of February, not because of the snow but perhaps, because of the lack of sunshine. There is something special about the warmth and the mere presence of the sun that warms the heart, warms the soul and gives hope. I've often thought that when it makes it's appearance during the winter months, I should run outside and set up my lawn chair and soak in it. It's just not the same looking at it through the window....

We've begun the series of pain shots for my husband. The first round was a couple weeks ago. He was in and out in about an hour and half and was feeling somewhat alright when he came out. The first thing he says to me when we got in the car was I'm starving! Of course, I believe the steroids make you incredibly hungry or perhaps it was the 'you can't eat or drink anything eight hours before' that makes one ravenous. He was craving a big, juicy burger and fries so we scraped together enough change to oblige the need. He was kind enough to give me a bite!

Later that day, I had to leave for a bit to pick up our food basket from the church, pick up his prescription and go to the post office. I was only going to be gone for a couple of hours, so I made sure he was medicated, used the restroom, and was tucked in his recliner before I left. However, when I returned, it was a nightmare...

When I opened the door, I found everyone upset and crying including my husband who was in so much pain, he could hardly stand it. Leaving the kids home alone with him in that much pain is just not a good idea. They don't know how to handle it and he is powerless to stop it. When he has these pain episodes, he can't move, he can't function and it is extremely scary for all to watch. We, unfortunately, never know when it is going to occur so I try very hard to plan things around his medication but that is not even a surefire way to avoid these kinds of situations.

There is something about watching and hearing someone you love very dearly go through something so agonizing. It makes a huge impact on your mind and your heart. The sound of his sobbing not only affects me, it is incredibly difficult on our children. In some ways, I think they/we have traumatic stress syndrome. The prayer of my heart is that God will use this situation, even in our children, for good and that He will heal all of our hearts so that there is no lasting damage from this.

The one thing that we have found and have even heard from the nurses is that like a mental illness, debilitating pain is not something we can see. So when we look at person, we sum them up to be alright when in actuality they are suffering just as much as someone who has a horrible illness that you can see. We have been judged and criticized so much because of his 'unseen' health issues but we know that God knows exactly how much he endures on a daily basis to just get through the day. God is the one who continues to give us the strength and the courage to face each day and to continue moving forward.

It's been two weeks since his first round of shots and unfortunately, we've seen no relief. The doctor did warn us that some do not see any effects from the first set. So we continue to look to God who is really the One who heals and we continue to put our faith and trust in His plan. Our mind is set on Him and even in the midst of winter and the lack of sunshine, I am not going to give up and be a victim of discouragement. I choose to hold onto the hope that comes from the Lord concentrating and soaking in His 'sonshine.' His love endures all things....

God's Gifts

2010-01-09T09:35:00.004-05:00

As I look back over the past few years, I am once again reminded of how much God has provided for our needs. There are many promises throughout the Bible that speak of provision but when situations arise in such a fashion that your control is taken out and you have to rely on God, do you really believe that? Are you able to rest in those promises or are you out there trying to make things happen in your own time, on your own terms?

I have to admit that it's been tough for me. I've known people who are able to just trust in God's promises, that can rest and trust in such a simple, unquestioning way. My husband is one of those people. I, on the other hand, struggle with it, wrestle with it and have this overwhelming desire to fix things in my own way. Believe it or not, there are situations that call for you to just wait because YOU can do little to nothing to make the changes yourself. Sometimes all you can do is wait on God to move.

I do not know how people who don't have the Lord struggle through this life. Even though He doesn't promise to remove tough situations and circumstances, He does promise to be with us through it all. I've seen this, felt this and continue to be amazed at how much God is working in and through this situation. I wish and hope that He would heal my husband because it is agonizing to my heart to watch him suffer but that is not what God's plan is at this moment. That doesn't mean it won't happen here in the future but for now, I have to be willing to just wait and trust that God will work this all out.

Through it all, I have been amazed at what God has done. I look at my little Ryan. His heart was so heavy with fear because of a bad situation just a few months ago but God moved on the hearts of our neighbors providing us with a home that was safe for him. A place where he could heal and grow. Just the other day, it occurred to me that his laughter has even changed. God has answered the cry of my heart for healing for Ryan. He is once again a happy little rascal whose love for life is returning down to the twinkle in his eye and the rascally dimple on his cheek. Even the nightmares which plagued his sleep are becoming less and less. God is so good.

This past Christmas, God moved on the hearts of so many Godly people, some of them we had never met before. Our tree had no lights and God provided. We weren't able to buy presents for our kids but God provided even more than what we would have purchased for them had it been us doing the buying. Our car was in bad shape, God provided by fixing it and filling the trunk up to overflowing with gifts and groceries. I am just amazed at the hearts of those who dropped by. People listening to the voice of God to come and help other believers in need and us being able to give voice to hope through our testimony. God is amazing.

I don't know how this situation is going to end up but I do know after enduring so much that I know without a shadow of doubt that God's promises to provide for our needs is true. He doesn't just provide the mere basics but God provides even for things you enjoy on this earth, like Starbucks coffee or gift cards to your favorite store. God cares about those things as well. We need not limit Him because His ways, thoughts and plan is far better than anything I can imagine. I'm only to trust Him with my life.

I am looking forward to what this new year has in store for us, the good, the bad and the ugly because I know in all circumstances God will be right there with us providing for us, giving us wisdom in our steps and leading the way to a better life in Him.

Tough Days...

2009-12-27T09:13:00.003-05:00

Some days are so unbearable difficult and the weight of our situation threatens to squish me. But, I've seen the overwhelming love of our Father through all this as He comforts, provides and showers us with His protection.

Yesterday, my husband decided to try the chiropractor. We are quite familiar with chiropractic care and have wanted to see if it would help Bob's situation. However, the money has been a huge reason why we haven't gone thus far. The second reason we haven't given it a try is because of what happened to Bob at the physical therapy. We were concerned that it would send him into debilitating pain again.

After much insistence from friends and family, Bob went. It was one of the worst decisions ever. It was worse than physical therapy. A friend happened to take him to his appointment and literally had to back his car up to our steps to get him into the house. We got him to the couch where he laid and sobbed ferociously for quite some time. The pain was so intense and it would not let up even with the pain medication.

After quite some time of no relief, we were contemplating a trip to the Emergency Room. However, I wasn't sure how I was going to get him to the car and was wondering if it was worth an ambulance ride. He's been to the ER and they don't know what to do with him either so I wasn't really wanting to go in that direction if we could at all avoid it.

Our wonderful neighbor called to check on him and offered us her whirlpool bath which we took her up on her offer of. I managed to get him over there and up her stairs and into the whirlpool. How? I'm not sure other than it must have been God helping us along. It had an amazing affect on his pain and was able to relieve it enough for the medication to do it's job. Boy, do I wish we had one of those now. Not sure where we would put it but it would be a great help to Bob!

Since the whirlpool's amazing abilities helped relieve some of the pain, we decided against the ER. He's been very exhausted and hurting but is able to move without it causing such debilitating pain which is a good thing. So we are once again, back at our everyday pain management routine. I'm not able to get to church today as I can't leave him by himself but I am thankful we are through the worst of yesterday and on to a brighter day.

I am so thankful that God gives us what we need when the circumstances arise. It is so scary watching someone in so much pain every day. You feel so helpless. Yet, as I go through this with Bob, God gives me the courage to face it, the compassion to comfort, the wisdom to come up with ideas to try to ease and the empathy to pray, pray and pray some more. There are days when I feel like God is so far away and isn't hearing a word I pray but I know without a doubt that He is right here with us, carrying all of us day by day. I've seen the amazing ways God provides even in the midst of all this.

Sometimes I don't understand why God doesn't just fix everything especially since this has been going on and on and on no matter how much I pray. But, I do know that even when God decides not take our afflictions away, He is using it for a glory purpose. By that I mean, He promises to turn things for good and for a purpose that we may not understand at the time. It's not going to be restored until God's purposes are accomplished. Our job is to hold onto our faith, to not give up but to keep finding ways to honor God through it all no matter how much agony you are in. That is a tough place to be....waiting on God. We want relief like now. We are not patient. We wear out and become weary. BUT GOD knows this and He offers those things we need to keep our eyes on him, to keep on running the race, to keep faithful to Him.

I want to encourage you if you are in a place that seems so impossible and so overwhelming to bear each day, to keep your focus on our Lord, to give Him all your hurts, your desires, your dreams. Don't ever give up on God even if you feel like He's not moving on your behalf. Don't rely on what you think you see. Look to His Word, the promises in there are for you, for me and for all who trust in the Lord God Almighty. I've seen them in my own life and continue to be amazed by it. He is truly an amazing God!

Fall Birthdays

2009-12-23T10:17:00.007-05:00

In all the hustle and bustle of my crazy life, I've failed to get the fall birthdays up on my blog. So in honor of winter arriving this week, let's take a moment and reminisce about warmer days and beautiful red and gold leaves....

Our beautiful Grace turned 12 this fall. She is now officially a pre-teen or in our family, a young lady would fit more appropriately. I have been telling my kids since they were wee little that we are not doing 'teenagers' here in this family. I am raising young ladies and young gentlemen. There is no reason for them to act all crazy-like as they find their way into adulthood.

Grace is developing into a lovely young lady. Her love of life and excitement for things around her is contagious. We've seen so much growth both spiritually and physically in her that has blown us away. God is amazing in how He creates our children, how they are put together in His image and how that all works together into this wonderful human being. Her compassion for people and her sensitivity to the heart of God is something to be treasured.

Unfortunately, the week her birthday fell upon was the same week we were moving. It was a crazy time but we managed a cake and had her birthday dinner much, much later. She was able to spend some time with her Grandma for their special birthday time together which is always a fun time.

Our spirited, fully animated Aaron who loves to be home turned 6. He is more of a homebody. We've found that he has about a 45 minute time limit on anywhere we go and that usually includes drive time. He is a joy and brings so much laughter to this family. He's a deep thinker and if you give him your full attention, he will talk your ear off about some pretty deep thoughts. Many of them pertain to God and what He is finding out about Him.

For his birthday, we had cake and ice cream. His dinner of choice was hot dogs. I always look forward to the day when they expand their horizon's and want something different. But for now, this is what he asked for and that is what he got.

We always have expectations that on these special days that we will receive gifts. I am proud of these two dear children because on both occasions, we were not able to shower them with any presents and they both handled it swimmingly well. To an adult, you reason and can understand that sometimes life just doesn't allow for that (unless your love language is gifts but that is for another time) but to a child or young person, it is difficult to deal with.

We've found out in the midst of our difficult situation, that much of what we use to do is a luxury and a blessing which we tend to take for granted but isn't really what our hearts should be about. God wants to shower us with blessings and He does but many times it is not physical gifts or presents. He showers us each day with His love, His mercy, His forgiveness and His provision. I pray that my children grow up understanding the love God has for us in all circumstances and that they never doubt that even when times are tough.

Closed Doors

2009-12-17T20:11:00.004-05:00

We've had many closed doors recently. It's been tough to understand, difficult to walk through, and agony to endure. Have you ever wondered or questioned at the timing of things that happen?

One of the most significant events lately has been with applying for help with our state. We've not applied through this whole ordeal because we felt very strongly that that was NOT the way God wanted to provide for us. This proved to be true by what we've seen our God do. He has provided in such amazing ways.

However, when our neighbor opened up this rental home to us, she really encouraged us to apply for aid so that they would pay the rent and help us with the utilities which would benefit both of us. So in respect and honor of her graciousness to us, we went ahead with applying not having any idea what that would entail.

When we first applied, they gave us a date to come in and then we would have to decide who was going to go through the program. Well, it was our understanding that it would only be for a few days so my husband chose to be the one to go since the driving, taking care of most things, kids, etc lay on my plate. We knew this was going to be extremely tough on him since he can't sit or stand for very long but thought by taking his pain meds he could get through it.

What ended up being a few days continued on and on for a couple weeks which they kept adding more time to. The pain was just too unbearable at times and so it ended up that he was taking quite a bit of pain medication just to get through. By the time I picked him up at the end of the session, he could hardly make it to the car each day. He did end up missing a day because he wasn't physically able to move from the couch for more than a few minutes. At their request, we got a doctors note and a medical release form from our doctor.

At this point, they called him in and told him they wouldn't accept his doctor's note because it was for only one day. They only accept them for people who miss two or more days. Their decision was to put him on what they call triage. This is a period of time when he, the people at the works program and our social worker get together and decide what to do about our situation. However, a few days after that, we got notice that our social worker bypassed all that and just denied us.

It is obvious this is a broken program. It's good for people who need interviewing skills and help with their resumes but terrible and inappropriate for people who have physical issues that are preventing them from working or for single mom's who already have a job but are not making enough to make ends meet, who need some assistance to live.

Another significant closed door is the fact that we are losing our insurance within the next month. We are right in the middle of trying to figure out how to help Bob's health issues. He did finally get approved for medicaid but unfortunately, it's like an albatross around our necks at times. The doctors want to try epidural shots to see if that gives him some relief but the minute they found out we had medicaid even as a secondary insurance, they wouldn't even touch him. They told us that because of the medicaid, we are, in a sense, a liability. I know also, from my appointments with this baby, there are so many things that are not covered by medicaid. So we are not sure where to go from here and time is not our friend.

When I look at our impossible situation, it's hard not to get stressed, to bawl your eyes out and to lose hope. I have to remember that God is bigger than an insurance card, He's bigger than our broken state aid and He is bigger than all this mess. To me, it's overwhelming, it's never-ending, and it's always going to be this way. BUT, to my GOD, it's handled, it's temporary and it's fixable.

God promises to restore the years that the locust have eaten. He promises restoration. He promises that the things of this world have been overcome by Him, and Him alone. So we look to Him to continue in His provision which is far beyond my imagination remembering that all these situations are already being handled by our amazing God. To Him be the glory....

Physical Therapy Evaluation

2009-12-10T10:53:00.004-05:00

Today, my husband had his midpoint evaluation for physical therapy. He was suppose to think and then be able to tell them how much improved he is. Unfortunately, as we thought about this over the last couple days, we've come to the conclusion that he is doing much worse. It only makes sense since they are messing with the injured areas. Of course, we have to take into account that it's been this way for almost three years now. We are hoping that deterioration hasn't taken place over that period of time and are most hopeful that it's not causing more problems.

The physical therapist did say that one of the problem areas is that the muscle around one of his herniated disks have kind of wrapped themselves around it to protect it from the pain but as it is protecting it, it is also pulling it out even more thus causing more problems. The disks are putting pressure on the nerve that wraps around the abdomen area and builds up on the sides until it feels like an explosion of pain in his chest/abdomen area. It is also affecting his arms and his ability to hold onto things when he hits this 'pain wall'. We've lost quite a few dishes and his favorite Mackinaw Island coffee mug....poor guy! Now we've added some back pain since he started his therapy which is totally not fun.

The physical therapist is recommending that we go for another four weeks and re-evaluate how things are going at that point. In the meantime, we had a recommendation from a friend who is quite familiar with back surgery give us the name of a neuro-surgeon to get a second opinion on this. He is suppose to be one of the best doctor's in the state and comes highly recommended from several people. I pray that he will have some answers for us when we see him in a couple weeks.

I pray we get some answers soon. Bob is just not doing well and I feel so helpless as to what I can do to help him. He finally gave in and sent a pleading email to our family doctor for some stronger medication. He has been trying to avoid the hard stuff because he wants to be able to have his brain function when he gets the opportunity to work on people's computers. Tonight he hit a 'pain wall' and took some of the new pain reliever and it didn't even touch his pain. It is so frustrating because he has tried so many different medications and nothing seems to work very well. When you are in that kind of pain, you want it to stop immediately but his never does. The medication only takes his pain level down to a 4 or 5 where it's not bringing him to tears and this is where he tries to live within everyday. Then, that only lasts for a couple hours and then it's back up again. So the man doesn't sleep much which just exacerbates the problems more.

I just never dreamed at this point in my life that I would become, in a sense, his caretaker. He really is unable to do many things for himself when he hits these 'pain walls' throughout the day. It is very humiliating for him to have to admit that he can't as it would for any one of us. God has blessed him with such grace for which I am so thankful for. I've seen this amazing grace rest on my own father when he was told he was going to die and then throughout the 18 months that he lived after that. It is amazing to see it displayed. It is full of a peace that goes beyond the situation and it's faith building in those who have the blessing to watch it in action. That is God and God alone!

In spite of the amount of pain he is in, he still tries, during his better moments, to do what he can for us. He also tries to continue working as much as he can. I don't know how he functions with that kind of pain but we know that God is the one giving him the strength to continue moving forward every day. God has also kept depression from our door which I thank God for every day. Have you ever seen someone without a will to live? I have and it's not something I ever want to see again and I just keep thanking God and praying for stability in this area.

Amidst our circumstances', we know that God is moving and breathing life into our situation. He is not bound by any impossibility. I cannot tell you all the little miracles we've seen happen which gives us the strength to keep moving forward. God knows exactly what Bob is going through every day and He has a special plan for him. We continue to seek God for healing and for a miracle for our situation but until it happens, we will thank Him....for His provision, for His love, for Him just being the God of our situation.

Finally...some answers

2009-12-07T20:43:00.003-05:00

Our six month waiting period for preexisting conditions has finally come to an end. Bob was scheduled for an MRI and we now have the results. Everything came back perfectly normal except for two herniated disks in his back. Now, I have to laugh at that because for the past two and a half years, no matter how much we tell people that his excruciating pain has been all along his chest area and his abdomen area, they always ask him how his back is. His back has not hurt at all...leaving the doctor and us scratching our heads in a quandary.

I am so very much relieved at the results as it isn't a terminal illness but at the same time, the doctor didn't sound very hopeful about the location of the herniated disks. We've spoken with some Chiropractor's that aren't wanting to touch it and the physical therapist this past week told Bob that she didn't want to scare him but the road to recovery with his kind of spinal injury is a long, long one if one were to recover at all.

The physical therapy has been extremely tough on Bob. I lovingly call it the torture chamber. After they work his back, he is pretty much incapacitated for a time leaving me with much to do for his care. It has been humiliating for him as well as extremely painful. Simple tasks are close to impossible. When you are faced with the reality that you cannot do these things, it is extremely discouraging and damaging to you emotionally as well. I keep reminding him that the things I am having to do for him is just a small dot on the scale of life as someday he might have to change my diaper. Does that make him feel better? I doubt it but it did make him laugh and that is something you must keep doing when life has so much to bear.

One of the things that the physical therapist told Bob was that he needed a heating pad. To us, this is a very difficult task due to our financial state. But we know who can provide and so I began to pray. Sometimes I have to snicker at what I'm praying for. Who would have ever thought that you would ask God for a heating pad but when it is a need, you ask God. That is one thing that I have learned over the past few years....to rely on God for our every need as He is the only one who is able to provide for our every need down to the very minute detail.

One day we had two offers to borrow heating pads right out of the blue. Bob asked me if I 'twittered or facebooked' our need and I laughed. I had not. But we know that God was on the move. Later that night, we had a knock on the door. I answered it to find that a friend had been at Meijer's and bought him a brand new one. She only said...I thought you might need this today. We both just sat there dumbfounded. I know, I know, with all the astonishing things that God has done in our situation, I should not be the least bit surprised. However, ever time it happens, it brings me to tears of awe and utter thankfulness to God who always follows through on HIS promises.

Moving forward...

2009-10-27T21:57:00.002-04:00

I can't believe we have been in this home for a month now. We are still unpacking and settling in but it feels like home. The kids have resumed their happy noise making and are easing into somewhat of a routine. I feel like I can breath a sigh of relief once again.

We recently scheduled an appointment for Ryan with a psychologist. The appointment went really well and I thought the doctor was wonderful with him and with me as I explained some of our concerns. The outcome was that he didn't really want to get Ryan on a regular counseling schedule. He thought that Ryan was working through all that he has faced while we lived up north really well. The only problem that he saw was that Ryan was having a hard time processing through the stuff at night and it's getting stuck in his dreams.

So we have to encourage him to talk about his nightmares when he's up in the middle of the night. I thought this could be fun trying to form coherent conversation at 3 or 4 am. But it is important for him to talk about it so that this monster can get smaller and smaller. So that is what we are trying to do. So far, he hasn't been able to talk about them. He is afraid that it will keep happening over and over again so he refuses to say a word about it. However, the other night he did let it out that all his dreams were of my nephew coming after him. I guess that is progress. Baby steps.

He also keeps checking with me to make sure that they don't know where we live. So we have to do lots of reassuring and lots of reassuring. The doctor indicated this could be a lengthy process and to make sure he feels safe and loved. Big indicators that he does need regular counseling would be if he withdraws from the things he normally loves including the people around him, if he becomes sullen and does things out of character for him. If he starts hurting himself. So far, he's a happy little kid with great adventures to unfold as he continues to grow and learn with some horrible, horrible nightmares thrown in there.

We are continuing to pray that God will heal his heart and his mind erasing the terrible things that brought him to this point. I know that God will do that for him and we as his parents can love him and support him through this. With God, ALL things are possible and we hold onto that promise.

Safe Haven

2009-10-06T18:26:00.003-04:00

I've sat here for about half an hour trying to decide how to write this post, restarting it over and over again. It's not one I ever wanted to write about. My heart is heavy and it is hurting in so many ways.

A few weeks ago, I was scheduled to take my mother to a doctor's appointment first thing in the morning. I got up, got myself ready and headed out the door. My 8 year old son discovered that I was about to leave and became hysterical, clinging to me as if his life depended on it which is quite out of character for him. He has really loved having 40 acres to explore along with the animals he's been trying to tame and become friends with. He usually asks me if he can come along but if the answer is no, I get a kiss and off he goes on one of his adventures.

This time, though, was very different. The more I tried to leave, the more he clung to me, to the car and was sobbing uncontrollably. I finally got out of the car and took him inside to have my husband help me so that I could leave. Once things were a bit more settled or so I thought, I got back into my car to head out. Ryan came running for the car crying and crying and stood in front of it so that I couldn't get the car out of the driveway. At this point, I was getting quite concerned and quite irritated but thought that we would deal with what was going on after I got home. So in my irritated voice, I firmly told him to step aside so I could get by.

At this point, he finally listened a bit, enough for me to get the car onto the road and started heading down it. Then I hear this awful, heart-wrenching, blood-curdling screaming going on. I looked in my rear-view mirror and there he was. My dear son was running down the road after my car begging me not to leave him home. I immediately stopped the car and ran to him. I knew at that point that something was dreadfully wrong.

I ended up taking him with me. While my mother was in with the doctor, I took him for a walk and we talked. He told me about some pretty bad things that had been happening to him to the point he did not feel safe, he felt betrayed and he was terrified. Let me just clarify that at this point, no sexual abuse has come to light but instead, Ryan felt his life was in danger. That is a terrible, terrible thing for a young child to ever experience.

When we first moved to my mother in law's home, we were the only family there at that time. However, a short time later, my two nephews moved in and then eventually their mother came to live there too. They haven't come from a good home situation which led us to have concerns from the beginning. We immediately put rules in place for our children to help keep everyone safe. No matter how many rules you have, or how safe you try to make things, sometimes bad things happen anyway.

My 14 year old nephew had been hurting my son to the point that Ryan thought he was going to die. My heart is aching and hurting for Ryan who is still struggling with awful nightmares and having problems sleeping through the night. We immediately began praying that God would provide for the situation and HE did.

God provided a tiny two bedroom home, a safe haven, for us to move into. So we moved quickly to get Ryan out of that situation. We are so thankful for the ones who helped us move again, for those who helped clean, for that crazy painting lady who loves to buy cleaning products and are rejoicing at God's provision of a home to rent. I am still in awe at how the events moved into place at just the right time for us to move and the provision that was poured out onto us to get us there. So we say thank you, thank you and thank you not only to you, dear friends but to our Lord Jesus Christ who is our Provider, our Comforter and our Deliverer.

First Day

2009-09-08T17:36:00.005-04:00

Today was our first official day of the new school year. I always have this wonderful idea in my head that it will go well, that the kids will embrace the day, that all the knowledge that I'm trying to impart into their cute little heads will be accepted and that they will be so happy to be learnin'.

That NEVER happens. In fact, it's quite the contrary. I'm usually fighting to round them up. I'm usually fighting to get them to admit that their school books even exist. I'm usually watching them put their heads down on the table in great dismay exclaiming loudly that they know enough to live.

Today was no different and I, being the seasoned homeschooling mother that I am prepared myself ahead of time and guess what??? They didn't let me down. They fulfilled my every expectation! Ryan played dodge em' like he usually does avoiding all and any parent that might get him to actually sit down for five minutes. Grace gasps loudly at every subject that was brought up like she is just so shocked that we have more to do. Aaron grumbled because he couldn't get his letter 'A' just right so we have to start over again and again, and Brad did his usual keep your head down, don't make eye contact with the teacher and look like you are learnin' something and you won't get noticed.

So I guess I would definitely say that today was one of great success! The kids may have not got much out of their lessons today but I sure did! I need a tee shirt that says...'I survived my first day of school!' On the back it should say...'It was a little iffy in the morning but then, lunch happened....

Holding On

2009-09-07T11:53:00.004-04:00

I knew that moving would be difficult. It's never easy moving in with relatives or other people for that matter. You have different views on life, you make different choices and you live differently. Those differences are sometimes unacceptable to and even offensive to others. The road to living has many good choices, they are not all wrong. Sometimes we are not willing to allow people to be who they are and simply love them but instead, stand in judgment and criticism hanging on to our own rightness.

This is one of the most difficult circumstances that I've ever had to endure. We are very much hurting and feeling that attacks are coming from all different directions. My flesh does not want to embrace this, it wants to run as far and as fast as I can. However, God has made it clear to us that we are to hang tight and stand in His Grace. This is not simply something we are living in the flesh but in the spiritual realm as well. The answers that apply to life's situation, don't necessarily apply to this one. God's plan is different and it's contrary to what the world tells us.

God calls us to love and to pray when we feel we are in the midst of persecution (Matthew 5:44). It's easy to read that verse and agree with it; but, what happens when you are placed in a situation that you cannot get away from, a place where you don't want to cut off relationships, a place where it's evident and words have indicated that you are unacceptable. I know that in my human flesh that I cannot accomplish what God asks of me. I don't want to return good for hurt. I don't want to love and to pray for those whose words hurt me. My flesh wants this to end, to find another place to live so that my children can sleep well, a place where there is no tension, a place of rest. Instead, God has asked me to stay until He is done with us here.

That is agony. It is pure agony to give up what you want and to let God be God. It has to do with our will and our selfishness; it has to do with our pride and our desire to be right. I have to keep surrendering it to God and to keep asking Him constantly to give me HIS love to share. My love is broken and it's insufficient but His love is complete. He promises to give us what we need to accomplish the task before us. We may not necessarily know what that task is, but He knows. I have to trust and I have to hang on to Him and His word as if my life depended on it to get through to the other side.

It is easy to hold onto all the harsh words, to be offended and to lash out but God wants us to make a choice to let go of all that baggage. I've been guilty on many occasions of holding onto bitterness and anger, to hold onto those offenses but all it's done is hurt me. It's made my heart heavy and my sleep interrupted. Holding onto bitterness, anger and offenses rip health and wholeness from you. I believe that many of our health problems are stemmed from anger, bitterness and unforgiveness. I have examples of in my own life of people who have chosen to live a life of peace, like my dear Grandpa and then, people who have chosen a life of grudges. It ages you physically.

So what do I want? My number one desire is to be in the center of God's will no matter how difficult the circumstances are. I want to be able to love and forgive easily. I do not want to hold onto offenses and hurts. God has given me the opportunity to let go off those and to ask forgiveness. The most important moments are when God gives us the opportunities to right the wrongs and we actually seize those moments. His desire is for our obedience and He is so pleased when we are. It gives him lives He can bless and use.

I am so very weak and feel often times that God doesn't have much to use in me. I can't even trust myself to keep my mouth shut or to say the right things, words that are of love and not anger. So I humbly ask God to forgive me and to show me the way He wants me to go again and again. I'm so thankful for God's grace and His mercy because without it....I'm just a wretched sinner.

Another Year Older...

2009-08-27T09:20:00.006-04:00

We recently celebrated Ryan's 8th birthday. Eight sounds so very grown up and he is trying to do that too fast!

In the process of moving and not being able to find a thing, my sister came to my rescue and threw a little birthday party for him. She cooked him up one of his favorite meals, hot dogs. She purchased a yummy cake and of course, ice cream too.

He was thrilled with his presents which were superheroes, another favorite. He's not too picky when it comes to superheroes. He likes just about all of them. Believe it or not, one of his favorite gifts was socks and his new Spiderman tennis shoes. Wonder what walls he's going to try to climb this year?

He is enjoying being out in the country where there is lots of places to run. He was thrilled to play with Grandmom's dog, Diego. I asked him the other day why he wasn't playing with the dog as much and he told me that he was a working man now. One of his most favorite things in life is to do projects around the house with his Dad, his Uncle Tim or anyone that comes over to do repairs. He asks lots and lots of questions and amazingly, does quite well when given the opportunity to help. He is not afraid to get his hands dirty or dive into cleaning out the chicken coop filled with old nasty stuff. He, in my opinion, is an amazing kid!

We pray that this new year is full of adventure, lots of exploring and growing in the knowledge of God and how much He loves all of us.

Happy 8th birthday, Ryan!

I'm Back....

2009-08-09T13:15:00.007-04:00

Wonder where I've been?

We moved to the country and apparently, it takes lots and lots of time to settle in, unpack boxes which aren't emptied yet and to find things.

The move went pretty smoothly. We had lots of help from friends and family which were a complete blessing. We are so grateful for the willing hands who stepped in to help us in so many different ways.

The kids seem to be adjusting pretty well and are enjoying getting to know their Uncle Tim much better. Whenever I see him, there is a couple kids following him around. I think it's wonderful that they have this opportunity to enjoy him in a way that isn't quite possible without moving in.

Through Tim's invitation, Brad, has met some people who are responsible in this town for a organization called Young Life. It's an organization that meets with young people in the schools, in the surrounding areas and is able to introduce them to Jesus Christ. Although Brad is already a believer, there are many opportunities for God to use him in this organization. Tim and Brad have both volunteered at the local county fair cleaning up trash, watching the inflatables and whatever else needs to be done and are donating their time/pay towards kids being able to attend a camp that is sponsored by Young Life.

I am amazed already at how God has taken this opportunity of us moving in with my mother in law and is opening doors for our family. Although not an ideal situation in my mind, God knows the plans He has for us and can only work if we are willing to walk the path that God has chosen for us no matter how uncomfortable it may be. It is hard to get our eyes off of what is seen and on to what is unseen.

All I can see around me is quite depressing with all the losses we have endured these past few years. I have to ask myself, if my faith in God is real, why do I not trust that He has what's best for me in His plan and in His will. I think somewhere in my heart, I base God's love on whether I'm in a comfortable situation or not. God never promised that this life would be easy nor did He promise that I would get all the things that I would want. He is after what is eternal and if that means I must endure some tough situations that help build my character and refine my relationship with Him, then that is what is going to happen.

I can fight it which I will tell you I have. I've felt, at times, like I've wrestled with God. It's my will against His will. God gives us the gift of free will but if you are truly a believer, your hearts desire will be that your will is in alignment with God's will. He has allowed me to flail, run and throw my temper tantrum and now He's giving me the opportunity to really embrace what He has for me here. I see a glimpse of it and for me, it's going to be extremely hard. However, I know that He promises to give me what I need to accomplish what He has set before me. He has also promised to give me courage and strength which I desperately need daily.

Sold Out

2009-07-18T09:32:00.003-04:00

I've been contemplating what it means to be sold out to Christ. I used to think it was this person, much like one of Jesus' disciples, who gave up all he had and followed Christ. I envisioned that it was someone who was a missionary or a pastor or a ministry leader, someone who was a strong spiritual leader with a flock of sheep to tend to.

I was wrong. Being sold out to Christ is so much more than that. It's more than just believing in God, in trying to do what is right and in helping those along the way. Being sold out to Christ is giving all of your heart to Christ and letting him have complete control over your life. Many times we only let God have the safe parts, the parts where God can't mess with too much to make life uncomfortable.

It's fighting our strong will to get into alignment with God's will. It's choosing to live like God calls us to in His word. What His word tells us to do is quite the opposite of what the world tells us we should live by. Do you have the courage and the boldness to live like scripture calls us to?

We as American Christians are in great danger. We have access to money and so many things that it is extremely easy to replace our dependence on God for a dependence on ourselves and on our things. This happens so easily and so subtly that the believer is unaware of it until God removes the blinders on his eyes through adversity. We personally know this as we found ourselves in this position when my husband lost his job and then health problems entered our lives.

You suddenly realize where you have mistakenly placed your trust, your belief and your dependence. When those things are kicked out from underneath you and you no longer have those things, you are like a man in the middle of the ocean who cannot swim, who needs to desperately hold onto something that will keep him afloat.

I think many times we take God for granted. We think that we have all the time in the world to get our hearts right before him. We get busy with experiencing and doing life, taking care of our kids, running here and running there that God takes the back burner. Sometimes we even accept Christ but then only pull Him out when we are in trouble or need something. This only leads to a lukewarm, shallow relationship with Him. I can't help but wonder if a lukewarm, shallow Christian who only pays attention to God when he needs something will enter the gates of Heaven. God mentions that in Revelation 3:16. (So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.)

We have this mistaken idea of who God is. He doesn't always deliver us from every little trouble in the way we think. Instead He is the Father who uses trials and adversity to refine, shape and mold us into who we are meant to be...more like Christ, before He moves us on to the next thing. He is not a sugar daddy in the sky dropping money and mansions in our lap randomly, (He proves our stewardship in the little things, before He gives us the big things... for His use, to be used as conduits for HIS kingdom and not our own) and He most certainly is not a vengeful God who is ready to take you out everytime you make a mistake.

God is a Holy, a Righteous and a Just God who detests sin but He is also ferociously protective of His children, He is full of mercy, grace and He is extremely patient. He has also provided a way out of our sin but we have to be willing to accept that gift, the gift of salvation through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. He is always after our hearts and wants all of His creation to come unto Him, giving up all of our hearts to Him so that He can work and move in our lives.

What if you are one of those people who thought you were a believer or a christian but haven't really paid much attention to your relationship with Him, calling on Him in the midst of trouble only to find out you are the drowning man in the middle of the ocean with nothing to hold onto to. Do you really want to find out that the God you thought you had was just a mere illusion instead of a relationship?

I encourage you to dig into the scriptures and see how God wants us to live and then be bold and courageous enough to put it into action. Don't be deceived into thinking you've got this relationship with God under control or that you will deal with it later. What if you are wrong?

Layers

2009-07-11T22:17:00.004-04:00

We've had to make some pretty tough decisions lately. One of those decisions was to determine where we were going to live once the door for our home closed. My mother in law graciously has offered her home as a place for us to temporarily stay. I chuckle when I use the word temporary because when we had to move in with my mother years ago it was only going to be for six months..tops. Over the course of our time together, she ended up moving with us to our home and that lasted for 12 years. So you just never know what the word temporary means.

This decision of our move has brought to the surface many things in my own life that God has decided it was time to deal with. When God decides to work on the layers of your life, He means business and He gets right to it. He only lets you wander around for a time and then it's time to do some more refining.

One of the things that has struck me as interesting is the fact that over the past two years we've been stripped of what I thought was most everything. I'm not talking about just materially but emotionally and in character, in who we are and where we are with Christ. This has lead us to a breaking and liquified state for God to be able to work with and reshape into something more like Him. However, as I have found out recently, there are still layers upon layers that have to be scrubbed off for the new layers to grow. I seriously feel, at times, like my skin is being ripped off of me. It's agonizingly painful. But it's necessary as we grow in a closer relationship with Christ.

One of the things I'm really struggling with is that my mother in law's home is approximately an hour north of where we live currently. It's on 40 acres in the country. I never imagined myself living in the country with no Starbucks on the corner away from all our friends, our church, our community. Now my plan is to still drive to our church and its activities for the kids and our small group, to still be involved in our homeschool group so there is tons of driving in my future. Everything is going to become a road trip. I really don't want to rip the kids out of everything that they are involved in. This has been extremely tough on them also.

I have faced the fact that those could be more things that God has planned for us to give up which is disheartening just thinking about. It is one thing to have chosen this road for ourselves and an entirely different thing to have it chosen for you. It takes more to work through it. To me, this feels very much like I'm being placed on a deserted island. I know that He ordains all of our steps even those in the middle of the country or in the middle of a city. There is no place that He does not see and I will not be out of His sight.

Sometimes I just don't understand why God would place us somewhere where we have no friends, where my children are away from all they are familiar with, where we have to drive, drive and drive some more. I do realize that people do this all the time but it is a completely different way of life for me and for us. My husband had to remind me that God is in the country too. That He knows what our needs are there just as much as He knows what they are here. He's right and I am thankful for that reminder.

It's pretty easy to give in to a despairing, discouraged and upset attitude. It is in that place that our eyes and our heart is clouded to what God can do. I keep trying to figure out how this whole ordeal can possibly be best for us but that is where faith has to come in. As my husband lovingly reminded me just this evening, faith has absolutely nothing to do with your eyeballs. It has everything to do with our soul, our relationship with Christ. Sometimes He asks us to do some pretty agonizing things and just trust Him even when nothing makes any sense at all.

Who does your heart belong to?

2009-07-01T10:27:00.003-04:00

Does it belong to the things of this world or does it belong to the Lord God Almighty? Being a follower of Christ is not something to take lightly. It's not something you do and then, there is lies. It is an ever growing relationship. God wants every part of us. He wants it all. He wants us to be willing to give up all that makes us comfortable, all that we find security in and trust Him. Are you hot or are you cold? Are you sold out to Christ completely? Do you hear His calling?

Happy 14

2009-06-30T10:32:00.007-04:00

We recently celebrated our first child's birthday. He's fourteen now. So much growing he has done in the past year. It's amazing how many changes a teenager goes through emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually in just a short period of time. No wonder they have moments of turmoil.

Brad is a brilliant, sensitive, and compassionate young man. At fourteen, he's making firm decisions for himself, is processing life with a more mature attitude and is such an encouragement to his family as we struggle through this journey we are on currently. We also have the honor of seeing the gentle side of his nature, of seeing him work out his own relationship with God and to make goals for himself for his future.

One of the neatest aspects of our family unit is that even though our children have moments they scrap with each other, the relationships they have with each other goes beyond friendship. Brad's siblings really look up to him and respect him for who he is. They enjoy wrestling with him, sitting on his lap, following him around till he can no longer stand it. Brad is their go-to guy.

We are so very proud of him, of who he has become and look forward to watching the rest unfold as he grows and changes.

We celebrated this very special occasion with the cake of his choice, an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen. He had lunch with Grandma and requested hamburgers for dinner which he grilled himself. He did a fabulous job and is in high demand from heretofore to be our grilling man.

Happy Birthday, Brad!

Despairing...

2009-06-20T21:55:00.004-04:00

This has been a pretty tough week. I just laughed as I wrote that because every week seems to be tough. How do you determine which is tougher or rougher than the other? Each has been unique in it's adventures that we've journeyed. This one though, has been tough emotionally.

I've been able to maintain a pretty good outlook other than a few days here or there. However, this week I've been really battling despair. I'm sure it doesn't help that I've also been battling a nasty cold. When you are ill, you become pretty intolerant of the little things that are all around you. The little ones yelling that their toots smell like moldy cheese grates on your nerves a lot quicker, the neighbor kid knocking on your door to tell you that one of your kids sneezed on him tends to give you a twitch, and the people in your home seem to find all your nerves and purposely stand on them while seemingly enjoying it. You find that your smile is no longer attainable but instead, Dr. Frankenstein is rearing his ugly square head.

I heard recently a little quote that seems to ring true. "Despair and discouragement are the quickest way to put yourself out of circulation." When you allow those things to leak in, it really does put a wedge in your communication with God, with those you love and with yourself. Satan just loves it when we knock our own selves out of whack. Makes his job much easier. His goal is to make us quite distracted and focused on ourselves so that we are useless to further God's kingdom.

So here I am, despairing about where we are going to live, where we are going to store all our stuff, what are we going to do with this or how are we going to handle that and the weight of the whole situation just kept getting heavier and heavier till I felt I was suffocating. I don't react well when I feel like I'm a cat in a cage. Claws can be pretty devastating to those who stand in it's way.

How do you get beyond all that frustration and discouragement is the question. Well...sometimes, it takes someone you love very dearly to help straighten you back around and to lovingly and firmly replant your feet in the right direction. Although, when this happens the hackles rise up and make me recoil at first thinking that perhaps it will be a long, long time before I ever have anything to say to him again but after pondering all that has been said, my heart seems to find it's way back home. I do believe that God knew we would need our mates not just to love us but to lovingly help us through tough times.

God is the most important part of this equation. His word encourages me not to be anxious, to not worry about tomorrow, to trust in the shelter of His wings and that He will provide for our needs. It's when I try to take on the weight of our circumstances and try to carry it all, that I get myself into trouble. It's hard to wait on God's timing. I do believe that the waiting is one of the hardest things to do. I know that God has got this whole situation under control and that no matter where we end up and where our stuff ends up, that it will work out in the end. It's getting there that is the struggle.

I'm just so thankful for God's abundant grace. I know that when I am at my weakest point, that God is waiting with open arms of love ready to embrace even the most wretched heart if we are willing to allow Him to do so.

The Plan

2009-06-13T22:27:00.003-04:00

We received the notice from the court that the date was set for the eviction hearing. Friday was that day. We went and explained our situation and it was determined that they would give us 30 days. So we have to be moved out by the 13th of July.

I have to admit that this whole situation is just heart breaking. I don't understand much of it. Why when we are able to connect with our neighbors for the first time in ten years now have to leave? Why can't the doctors figure out what is going inside my husband's body so that he can get better and go back to work? The questions just go on and on. Much of why things happen are unexplainable but we are left with two options. We can either continue trusting in our Lord who tells us not to worry, to let tomorrow worry for itself or we can give up, turning our back on the One who has promised to give us what we need to face the day and all that is in it.

We continue to praise, worship and serve the Lord. Serve Him as we've never served Him before. We choose to hang on to the promises that are in His word even in the face of fear, of being stripped of everything, of the unknown. He is our God and we will not turn our backs on Him. We feel an urgency to be a voice of hope. A voice that shouts the glory of God and speaks of His faithfulness. We will not be silent.

It is extremely difficult to share the intimate details of our struggles with friends, with family and with those of you we haven't met but feel that God is calling us to do this. We feel very strongly that we need to encourage and to leave people with the hope that is in Christ. Even when life is falling apart around us, God has amazingly held us up and shown His love to us.

He loves all of us so very much and His desire is to have a relationship with all of us. He wants us to have a faith that is real. A faith that goes beyond the physical agony. A faith that is pure and righteous through the saving grace of the Lord God Almighty.

Many of you want to know what our 'plan' is but to be honest, we haven't any idea what that might be. It would be helpful in knowing what stuff to store, what stuff to give away but I just don't know. What I do know is that we need to box things up. Where the boxes are going is still up in the air. So our plan is this...we continue to trust God and seek Him for direction, for wisdom, for courage, for strength and that in His time, He will reveal to us what the plan is.

Over the last few weeks, my husband has been through many rounds of blood tests and an ultrasound which have revealed absolutely nothing except that he has a bit of a fatty liver which will clear up as he looses weight. However, a fatty liver does not and is not the cause of the extreme pain that he is in. So we are back at square one without a clue as to what is going on. It's a vicious cycle when you are on medication. One of the side effects is weight gain plus the fact that he hurts so very badly that exercising is extremely difficult. The doctor changed one of the weight gaining medicines out for another which will help with the weight loss and he is just trying to endure the pain while exercising.

In a normal situation, we try to do things to change the course of life. This, however, is one of those times when every avenue we've tried has had the door shut. All we have is to take what is before us, explore all options, and depend completely on God for His provision. He has been so faithful to provide. His promises are true as we've seen them worked out in our own lives. So we continue on....taking one day at a time relying on God's grace, His mercy, and His wisdom.

Cake...it's not just for birthdays

2009-06-11T19:19:00.004-04:00

We love to celebrate the accomplishments of our kids. Sometimes they are planned out and sometimes they come by surprise.

This past week, our Ryan was out and about playing with his good friend next door like he usually does. Only this time, their dad was out playing around with the kids. Ryan expressed an interest in riding his bike just like his good buddy Stephan was. Lo, and behold, after a couple tries of our neighbor giving him advice and helping him, off he went riding into the wind. Hi Ho Silver!

I must admit I was a little sad that it wasn't Ryan's own dad helping him but right now, he isn't able to bend over like that to help him balance nor can he run along side of the bike. It made me a little sad and a bit mad. I guess I was having a selfish moment and after being slightly miffed and letting my poor husband know of my great disappointment, I had to swallow my words and admit that it wasn't about what I wanted but it was about the excitement of the moment for Ryan.

So we watched with great enthusiasm at this wonderful accomplishment that our seven year old has conquered. After his riding adventures were done for the day, Ryan proudly walked into the livingroom and announced that we should have a party to celebrate him being able to ride his bike. I, teasing, asked him if we should make a cake. With the biggest grin you would ever be able to imagine, he answered with a yes!

The first thing Ryan asked me this morning was when I was going to bake that cake. Aaron, of course, informed me we could not have cake without ice cream. God provided the ice cream and it was the perfect shade of rainbow colors which the boys announced looked like playdoh. I think they might have been more thrilled with the ice cream than the cake but it was a grand ol' celebration either way.

I heard murmurings in the background mentioning that I hadn't made a certain older child a cake when she learned to ride so I guess I'll be baking another cake next week to celebrate previous accomplishments in this area. It was also mentioned that when she gets old and forgets how to ride a bike and at the age of 80 she relearns this skill....I'll be baking another cake then too. It's only fair, you know! Apparently, my job as cake baker is far from over....

Transformation

2009-06-05T09:45:00.003-04:00

The day has come. The day we've been expecting. But yet, the reality is excruciatingly agonizing. We received our notice from the court to start the eviction proceedings. It is tough facing all the emotions that come with it and even more so when they are coming from our children. I know that God is working through all this in my own heart and so I have to know that He is also working in my children's hearts as well.

The word transformation and purification has been running through my heart for a few weeks now. Usually when that happens, God is bringing me through a revelation process. It's usually something He wants me to get a hold of in my head and in my heart.

I was recently listening to a sermon and a phrase hit me hard. God is not interested in your temporary relief--He IS interested in permanent change. For example, our values, our heart condition, our purpose. So all these things that we agonize over and don't understand why they are happening are simply because without these struggles our growth spiritually is stunted and we remain shallow, baby Christians who need constant attention and are easily tossed in the wind.

God is fiercely after our hearts and our relationship with Him. Have you ever had a shallow relationship? There is really nothing to hold on to and it easily slips through your fingers. God doesn't want that from us. So we must go through some tough stuff to strengthen that relationship, to change who we are in Christ...to be a better reflection of who Christ is. Of course, when the tough stuff happens, we've got to do our part and that is to hang on to God with all that is within us and open our heart to what He is teaching us.

It's hard to fight our fleshly emotions. I have to fight all the time the thoughts that try to torment me like if God truly loved me, this wouldn't be happening or why is God punishing me. Those are wrong thoughts but yet, I wrestle with them. We have to remember that God fiercely loves us and if you have an understanding of the love you have for your child, then, you will then have a glimpse...just a glimpse of how God views His children. We also have to remember that Jesus Christ already paid the price for our sin so we are not being punished. There are always consequences to our choices and those consequences are what we must endure. We have to keep those things in right perspective.

Even though my flesh is in agony and it's a scary road that we walk, I've seen the transformation in my own heart and in the lives of this family. We've gone through a purification process. We've been broken and liquified so that we now have a better understanding of our faith, of who God is, of our relationship with Him and truly what is important.

We are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, we've still got much, much more to learn but I am saved by God's grace. His blood is what makes me clean and whole. His strength is what helps me have the courage to face each day. So even as we are looking at our eviction, I know that God is going to work all this out for His glory, His purpose and for our good. We place our trust and our hope in Him. No matter what may come, what the outcome may be, I want to be like Job who received the news of his children's death, his loss of all his finances, and the loss of all that he owned....He stood up, tore his robe in grief, shaved his head and fell to the ground before God saying....

I came naked from my mother's womb, and I will be stripped of everything when I die. The Lord gave me everything I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord! (Job 1:21)

The Tooth Fairy

2009-06-03T21:50:00.004-04:00

It's a happy day when the little guys lose a tooth around here. It means that the tooth fairy is coming to town. The kids come to me often to show me a loose tooth or what they think is a loose tooth. Kara, whose three, keeps wanting me to check her teeth because she is sure they are all loose.

Unfortunately, lately, the tooth fairy has been leaving I.O.U's instead of dollars. One time, the Grandma of the tooth fairy had to hook her up with a couple of dollars to meet the demand of the falling out of teeth in this family. It's a hard, hard job to keep this tooth fairy going. It's not like you can just recharge her battery so she keeps going and going and going, it's more like digging in the couch, looking in pockets, checking the laundry mug or on the dash of the car just to try to pull a dollar out of a hat. But that is all in the day and the life of a tooth fairy.

The kids have only one complaint about the tooth fairy that comes to our home. Sometimes.....she forgets. So then, they have to try again the next night hoping she will remember. She has many teeth to attend to so sometimes it takes her a little bit to show up. Persistence is the key. You just keep that little tooth under your pillow and one day....one day very soon she will show up with that special little dollar and the lovely note she leaves with it. Don't lose hope. Then, they look up at me with those beautiful blue eyes while placing their hands on their hips and I hear the words....Mom, we know it's you.

One cool little thing the younger ones haven't figured out yet is the recycled dollar. Once they figure this out, the tooth fairy is in big time trouble and she will probably have to come up with a way to smooth the waters. But for now, she's safe with a couple kids. When one of the younger children who had recently been visited by this lovely tooth fairy lady forgets about their dollar and a certain mother finds it amongst the toys or on the floor, she gives it to the tooth fairy to use again when a tooth falls out. Thus...the recycled dollar. It's a cost savings and it keeps the overhead low.

Aaron recently lost a tooth, one of his front teeth. He excitedly ran down the stairs interestingly enough just after I had tucked him in for the night. My tooth fell out...my tooth fell out, he squealed with delight. So we put it in a baggie and placed it under his pillow. Well...the tooth fairy forgot. She kept reminding herself and reminding herself but she still went to bed without replacing the precious tooth with a note and a dollar. So in the morning as we were sitting at the table eating breakfast it dawned on her what she had once again done. She scrambled into the office to write a quick lovely note and scrounged to find a dollar which she is glad to report she had and ran up the stairs to do what tooth fairies do....leave it under a pillow.

Upon her calm entrance to the kitchen, the tooth fairy disguised as a mother nonchalantly asked Aaron if he checked under his pillow this morning. With a frown, he sadly answered that he had and the tooth fairy was late again. His mother quietly suggested that maybe he should check again. Off he ran with speed and vigor, to check to see if maybe...just maybe his prize was there. The laughter and the happy boy noises that oozed from this five year old was something to be cherished. It's here...it's here he yelled as he showed me his note and his prize, a recycled dollar.

The Dino Dig

2009-05-31T16:46:00.007-04:00

Homeschooling is not for the faint at heart. It takes patience. It takes time and more time. It takes the strength of Goliath to meet each and every day with the curious minds of children and all their questions, not to mention what happens when someone is feeling particularly cranky. I have to laugh when I hear someone comment that homeschooling is 'safe' and that what my choice for education for my kids keeps them sheltered. It is not a 'safe' thing to do by any stretch of the imagination and they most certainly are not kept in a dark basement with out the hope of the light of day to shine forth. When I see them in action at a field trip or when they conquer a concept, or even when one of them is laying their head down on the table in agony because of a math problem, I know that they are just right where they are suppose to be...

Dinosaurs. There is something that is endearing to many elementary children about that topic. They are a bit mysterious. They are adventurous and they are BIG. From my seven year old's perspective, they look cool, they are so strong and it would be super awesome to ride one.

It happened to be that a field trip was formed and I signed the two younger boys up to participate. It was a beautiful sunshine-filled day. A perfect day to be outside digging for dinosaur bones. There were over 140 kids who were signed up for this trip. They were everywhere. I did notice a steady trail to the 'cookie' table which was a highlight for my two boys as well.

The mama Myasaura dinosaur bones were what were buried for the kids to dig up and clean off with a brush. They all had a chance to dig in the sand and to discover 'a treasure'. The instructor went over how to properly unbury a fossil so that nothing was broken off in their excited attempt to grab it up. After all the bones were discovered, the kids took them inside for the instructor to talk about the dinosaur and to put it together so the kid could see the skeleton as a whole.
The instructor had asked the kids how a mama takes care of her children. Aaron raised his hand and proudly announced that his mother took care of him by giving him food as he was rubbing his tummy and licking his lips. He also knew what the mystery bones were...the shoulder blades.
He is a pretty smart boy, if you ask me. It was neat watching them attentively interact with the instructor and what was being taught by her. Now if only they would do that at home....

You can't force all of your learning into four walls but need to provide moments for them to experience all that you are teaching them outside of that, to experience the adventure of it, to touch it, to see it, to feel it. It brings education alive and makes it real so that it not only is expanding their minds but also wrapping around their hearts.

Surprise Visitors

2009-05-26T19:02:00.003-04:00

It is very unsettling when you realize the lock between you and the world beyond your front door could potentially not keep them out. We put a lot of faith in our front doors, our locks and our dead bolts. But what happens when your house has been foreclosed on? Do you still feel safe and secure? If we are not careful, fear could overtake us. We hear stories about the contents of the neighbor's house being thrown out on their front lawn by the sheriff. We hear stories of how realtors are demanding that people have to leave and then later find out that they themselves have moved in illegally. We hear stories about the tent cities and the rotation many homeless people are on in the state parks. How do we separate ourselves from the fear and anxiety that is everywhere we go?

Friday, we had a couple of visitors show up at our front door. One was a realtor that explained that he thought the house was unoccupied. He wanted to know what our plan was. He also wanted to come in and take a look at the inside. Of course, we haven't gotten any legal document from anybody other than the one we were served back in November stating that the house was going up for auction so he didn't get to come inside. My husband explained to him that the only thing that we have planned right now is to continue trusting that God will direct our steps and give us wisdom on what to do next.

Truly, saying that we are trusting God is not a pat answer. We really are diligently beseeching (to implore urgently) the throne of the Lord God Almighty for wisdom, direction, for guidance. We are not just sitting here idly, doing absolutely nothing. We are taking whatever computer work that comes our way. I, even, have put on a computer technician hat and am crawling under desks helping install computers. I never pictured myself doing that but you do what you can. I believe that God has put certain opportunities before us and I am trying to do the best that I can to take what God has placed here.

The second visitor showed up with a truck, trailer and lots of equipment. He arrived to board up the house. He was quite taken back that there was someone living in the home. I couldn't help but feel fear as I thought about what could have happened had we not been there. People leave their homes without taking anything. So in my thinking, we could have been away and come home only to find that our key wouldn't work, leaving us locked out of our own home. Could they just walk in? It is scary. It makes me not want to leave without someone being here to stop people from coming in.

There have been so many scary things that we've had to face and yet, God has been there to give us courage and strength to meet each of them. It happened that when the guy showed up to board up our home, some friends of ours were there. I believe that that was God's provision. They had come over to pray with us and to offer us their love and concern. The friends that showed up the next day, that called, that emailed just showered us with the confirmation that God was providing what we needed to face this. When you know that you have the strong support of friends and family, it enables you to pick yourself up and continue moving forward. Those were totally divine appointments.

In Proverbs 3: 5-6 it says that we are to trust in the Lord with all our hearts and lean not on our own understanding, but in all our ways to acknowledge Him and He will make our paths straight. In order for us to combat fear, we have to realize that God is the one who passionately cares about our lives and is personally involved. We have to trust Him even when we do not understand all of what is happening. He may not remove the trials of the day from us but He has already arranged for us to see His glory even in the midst of tough times. If we believe that God promises to never leave us or forsake us than we have to know that He is there to work things out for us. He gives us what we need...to face what we have to face.

I do not know what tomorrow is going to bring, what we are going to have to face or what mountain we are going to have to climb. But, I do know that God is worthy to be praised no matter what is going on. He is faithful to provide. He is a passionate Father who cares very deeply for His children. He will take care of all of our needs and that includes giving me the peace and security that I need to look fear in the face and loudly proclaim that I have nothing to fear, that those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty, that He alone is my refuge, my place of safety, that He will shield me with his wings and His faithful promises are my armor and protection. (Psalm 91)

A Gracious God

2009-05-24T21:49:00.003-04:00

We've been walking this road of unknown for quite some time now. God has been stretching, pruning, refining and rebuilding a faith in us that strong enough to withstand what we are going through. Just this morning, during worship at church, we were singing a song about standing firm on the foundation and it hit me that that was what was happening. People comment to me that they just don't know how we are making it through this and the answer to that is this: We have firmly planted our selves on the firm foundation of Jesus Christ, the rock of our salvation. So that when the storm is raging around us, we know that foundation will hold firm. We may trip and fall but we will not crumble.

It's amazing to me how much an empty refrigerator can tangle my emotions into a knot. When you have hungry stomachs looking up at you because there isn't a whole lot to eat, it's enough to push you to the edge and beyond. The thing that gets me is that time and time again, my husband and I have stood in front of our refrigerator and prayed that God would fill it and He has. I know this. I've seen it happen over and over and yet, I still get distraught when we happen to go through a time that is quite sparse. I want so very badly to get my will and emotions to instantly act in agreement to what I know in my heart. God promises to provide and He has and continues to do so.

After enduring a few days of a lean and echoing refrigerator this past week, I found myself having a bit of a temper tantrum letting God know just how much I was frustrated that He wasn't answering our prayer when I thought we needed it. My husband once again, reminded me that God will provide and together we brought our requests before Him. Later that night, I headed off to see a friend of mine. During my time with her, I got a call from my husband telling me my freezer was full. A friend of ours had brought over a bunch of meals that filled the entire freezer and then mentioned that there was more coming next month. I was speechless and I felt really, really small and a lot like a heel. I quickly asked God to forgive my rash behavior. He is an amazing God and I am just overwhelmed by how much he provides for our needs even when my behavior is less than stellar. A dear friend gently reminded me that God was not taken by surprise by my behavior. In fact, He already knew how I was going to respond. In spite of it, God loves me and his gracious mercy covers me daily.

It is good to be reminded that in spite of who we are, what we do and the choices we make, God is there in His amazing mercy and grace to pour himself out on us. Why? Because He loves us so very much. It doesn't matter what I do or how I act, He is there loving me in spite of it all.

Thrilled to be Three

2009-05-19T18:32:00.005-04:00

We recently celebrated little peanut's third birthday. It's hard to believe that she is now such a grown up or so she thinks. This tiny sweet thing has grown into this person who is simply sweet with a side of independence who is not afraid to tell you how things are going to be. How's that for a mixture. She's like Billy Bob's sweet and sassy dressing with a kick. I suppose she has to be. She's number five and she will be heard.

When I sit there and watch how she interacts with the world around her, she simply amazes me. Only God could have created such perfect uniqueness. Each stage is something to cherish. I know that there are some pretty crazy moments but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

She was pretty excited to have her birthday here. For days beforehand, she'd ask if it was time yet for her prizes and cake. We'd have to tell her nope, three more days or nope, two more days and she would drop her head giving us the most precious pouty face. Then the day arrived and the twirling began. She twirled and twirled telling each individual that it was her happy birthday. She even told the little old lady down the street who happened to be walking by our home on an afternoon stroll. Her birthday is something to be celebrated. Her life is precious to me. I always tell my kids that no matter where they are whether they are here with me or off on adventures of their own, I will celebrate the day of their birth because that is the day that our eye's met for the first time and my life was changed forever. A special day, indeed!

The Poverty Simulation

2009-05-13T16:19:00.002-04:00

Our church was offering a poverty simulation recently. I debated about signing up to participate because well...we have our own level of poverty and it's real life for us. However, as I was sitting in church listening to Pastor Randy speak, I felt a real sense of urgency to go to this. Even though, we are going through this right now, I know that every situation is different. You just never know how God can use you. That has been my prayer--that God would take our situation and turn it around for something good and useful. I want to be open and willing for God to take our situation and use it for His glory. That means sometimes facing difficult opportunities that require you to open up and be vulnerable, causing you to relive the rawness of life.

It turned out that our oldest son also went. I was really proud of him for being willing to go to this, considering all that he's had to face as a teenager walking this journey. This isn't just hitting my husband and I. It's our whole family. Each individual has experienced it. For the older ones, it has been an extremely tough time. A life changing experience.

They had us separated into groups which were your family for the three hours. Each were given a description of their particular situation, a set amount of money, a few items you could pawn off and some transportation passes. As we were going about taking care of our families needs like getting food, paying bills and working, most were having a fun time with the simulation, really getting into the acting of their part.

After the simulation part was over, we sat around discussing our observations. Many noted how quickly the family unit fell apart, how many of the kids resorted to criminal activity to help their families survive, and how utterly hopeless and frustrated everyone was at the end.

It was really draining on me emotionally and I have to admit I was quite a bit out of sorts and cranky when I got home. It's hard to not be able to leave that behind and to have to live it day after day. However, there are two things that stuck out to me. First, it was noted that the more frustrated and hopeless these families felt, the less they focused on others. Instead, the focus was on their survival. Secondly, the kids were left to raise themselves as the parents were trying to work, get help from the agencies or take care of everything else leading the kids to pregnancy and drug use.

I am so thankful that even though we are financially drained and falling apart, that our family unit is sound. It is even stronger than it was before all of this happened. In fact, one of the neatest things to come out of this is the fact that my husband has had the opportunity to reconnect with His children and has had the time to share what burns on His heart. The love He has for God. It has been amazing watching this develop and grow and how much the kids have learned from him through all of this.

I also have felt very strongly over this past year to not focus solely on our situation but to focus on others. God placed that on my heart for a reason. It was so I wouldn't get so centered on my needs that I missed seeing others around me. It was so that I wouldn't become utterly hopeless. It was so that I would see what God was trying to teach me. It has helped me immensely. One way to get out of your pity party, feeling the hopelessness of your situation is to help others. The last thing I ever want to do is for God to lead me to an opportunity to help someone and I walk away from it. It means getting our hands dirty and getting involved with people's lives, it means being open for God to use us in someone's life. Now that can be a life changing experience.

I'm glad I chose to go to this simulation even though it was a bit agonizing. It was a reminder that everyone I come across whether it be a neighbor, a friend or a stranger--that you just never know what they are having to live, to experience and that I, even with a kind word or a smile, can have an affect on them. We, as believers, have a responsibility to share the hope of Christ, to encourage, to comfort, and to share what we have...our faith.

Dates

2009-05-10T22:01:00.004-04:00

Dates. They are important to us. Birthdays. Holiday's. Graduations. Weddings. They signify the importance of people or events in our lives. But dates also represent some not so fun things. As much as I try not to fuss or worry about certain dates, they come. This past week our six month redemptive period came and went. It hurt. Not physically, however, I did feel sick to my stomach but emotionally and mentally.

I guess I was hoping something would happen to intervene. I realize that God is never late and that He is always an on time God but I couldn't help but be disappointed. It is so hard to get our eyes off of what we see around us and get them securely placed on where they should be. On God. He promises to take care of our needs and has done so over the last year. I know that He will continue to move on our behalf even in the midst of my feelings of insecurity. God is not bound by a piece of paper or a date or anything on this earth. He is God.

There are many things that do not make any sense. Most without any answers. But in spite of it all, we are to trust God. He is faithful. He has shown us that over and over again. He may not answer how I want Him to but He will provide for us. He knows the desires of my heart. He knows my thoughts. He knows every last detail of who I am and yet, He still created me. He created me in His image. How can I deny the love of my creator?

I will praise Him no matter what date comes and goes. I will praise Him when I'm at my lowest point. I will praise Him. My prayer is that all of this that we are going through is not for nothing. I know that we have grown spiritually as individuals and as a family but I want it to go beyond that. I pray that it will encourage others to fight for their faith. That it will be a testimony that points to God's faithfulness, that through it, you will see the real struggles, the real emotions and most importantly a faith that is real.

Standing Stones

2009-05-04T22:23:00.002-04:00

I recently went to a woman's breakfast at a wonderful church. The theme was 'standing stones'. If you don't know what that is, I'll explain. Standing stones are a pretty big monument made of stone that was a visual reminder of something significant. In this case, it is referred to visual reminders of a faithful God or someone that has been a significant influence in your spiritual life.

One of the ladies spoke of an incredible journey that her family has been on over the last year. On her foyer table is a glass jar full of different size stones that represent how God has been faithful in their lives. Little stone for little thing and bigger stones for God meeting their bigger needs. I thought this was such a beautiful visual reminder as it is easy to forget all of the ways God moves in our lives. She also had written in a journal an account of every stone so that they can go back and read about each story along with all the details that the stone represents.

I thought this was a great idea for us. We've been on a journey for quite some time and I can only imagine what our glass jar would look like. I've shared here on my blog some of the stories of how God has been faithful to us but I've not written every day to day way that God has met our needs. The visual reminder is an encouragement that God is right here with us, that He cares about the little and the big things.

There also have been 'standing stones' that God has surrounded us with. Men and women who have encouraged and ministered to us in ways that only God could have provided. You know that old saying that God won't give you more than you can handle? We have come to the conclusion that He gives you what you need to face what has come across your path no matter what it is, if you'll let Him. Many of us push that gift away because we are upset and angry but God has it readily available if only we will accept it.

God knows exactly where you are, what you have to face today and is working on your behalf to provide you with all that you need to face the suffering of the day. He cares about your mental, physical and spiritual state. We've seen Him move to physically meet our needs but also our emotional needs. When we start to get lost in the fog, God always sends someone to encourage, to pray with, to make us laugh or to give us a hug. God is in every detail.

My hearts desire is for all of us to remain faithful to the very end, taking God's hand and letting Him lead us through whatever it is that we may face. He is our source of strength and courage. I pray that you will see the 'standing stones' in you own life and that it will be a visual reminder of God's faithfulness to you.

The One Kid Rule

2009-05-01T08:27:00.005-04:00

A long time ago, I made a new rule. It's called the one kid rule. It only applies to going to the store with Mom. It's for my sanity. It is for productivity. It is for safety. It's for budget control. It is for the opportunity to have one on one time with whichever child is with me at the time. It has been a beautiful thing in my life. It's just so....priceless.

Recently, though, I made an exception to the rule. One time. Here are the results:

Ryan is an energetic child with the attention span of a squirrel. He's usually good and obedient but he get's a little squirrely if we are gone for more than hour. So I make sure the store attending adventures he is a participant of is short and of quality.

Aaron is lovingly nicknamed 'houdini man' because he likes to disappear. Not a good thing when a certain parent is looking at the yogurt trying to decide which flavor and how many would be sufficient for each family member. Poof...he's no where to be found. Then a certain parent is yelling out his name running up and down the aisles in a crazed panic trying to locate and put an end to the disappearance act. At which point, her energy is all used up and is ready to go home. Very unproductive. Usually a trip to 7-eleven is about the right store trip for him. Small store. Small aisles. Slurpee machine. Need I say more?

I needed a few things for dinner. It was going to be a quick trip to store. It was a great time for Ryan to come along. As we were headed out the door, I caught a glimpse of the sad eyes of a five year old who has been getting left behind too often as of late. His plea to come along pulled at my heart and I gave in. How bad can it be with such a quick trip to the store, I asked myself.

As all three of us walked into the store, I was feeling pretty confident that this was going to be painless and easy. I grabbed the cart and off we went. We cruised the hot dog bun aisle. Each boy had to grab their 'own' package and then Aaron said we needed a third one because we always run out which I agreed was correct so it went into the cart. As we headed over to the hot dogs, each boy ran to them and announced that they were getting them, shoving the other aside. I settled that as we need two packages...one for each boy. I had a painful thought that a pattern was being set right before my eyes.

As we headed over to the chips, guess what happened? Yep, each boy was in desperate need of a different flavor and since they had about crushed the bags in their little hands, I felt responsible to purchase both bags. (Grace thinks I bought faulty bags of chips but really it was a five year old and a seven year old that had a hand in crumbly them up properly.) Then, we headed over to the juice aisle. Yep, we ended up with two.

Now let me tell you about the ice cream which I had promised the children we would get since I made them pass up the first ice cream truck cruise down our street this season. We took the cart down the fun aisle, the land of rainbows and lollipops. One boy wanted ice cream sandwiches, the other wanted Jell-o pops. The next thing I saw was both boys on the floor in a scuffle. One in a headlock and the other with his arms wrapped around his brother trying to break free. (Note to self: do not ever, ever, ever bring both boys at the same time to store ever, ever, ever...again unless one needs to remember how much fun it REALLY is.)

As I lovingly and gently took them by the arm to break up the cute little squabble. I told them since we were going to purchase two packages, each would get to choose. Perhaps, mommy should have thrown something darkish, chocolatish Hagen dazish into the cart or maybe twoish for me to eat before I got home!

We, then, went to the cashier to check out. Both boys started grabbing things out of the cart to throw onto the conveyor belt before the other one could grab it. The buns were a bit more mangled, the chips were more crumbly and so on. As I was trying to save the merchandise from any more evidence that is was handled with such care, I heard the lady behind me softly say in a relieved sort of way that she was glad she left her boys at home.

It was quite an eventful trip. One I won't forget for a long, long, long time. It's always an adventure with two very lively boys. Now to explain to my husband why we have two of everything....

Brokenhearted

2009-04-20T21:36:00.005-04:00

Revelation 21:4 (NLT): He will remove all of the sorrows and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. For the old world and its evils are gone forever....

It's been a really rough week. This is a tough post to write as my heart is once again liquefied and broken. This seems to be a familiar state for us and I wonder just exactly what God is trying to do as far as molding us and shaping us into what He needs us to be. It hurts. It's agonizing. It's gut wrenching awful. Yet, I know that as we go through these experiences that He is producing so much in us, helping it to take root and to grow. Changing who we are.

Over Easter weekend, I had some issues with our baby which led to a doctor visit and an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed that there was no heartbeat and that our baby had died around 8.5 weeks. A D&C was scheduled and I am now on the recuperating end of things. I am experiencing all the pleasantries of postpartum only with no baby and that makes this super hard.

Some may dismiss early miscarriages as easy to 'get over' but it isn't. Somehow God integrated a mother with her child at conception. Her emotions, her physical and her mental all are connected to the baby even before she ever lays her eyes on the child. I have lost two before this one between Grace and Ryan. It still makes my heart ache remembering. It is comforting to know that they are in heaven and I will get to meet them one day. But for today, I need all the courage and comfort I can receive from our Lord. The one who knows the pain and agony of losing a loved one. God promises to be close to the brokenhearted. He has shown me that comfort through many friends and family who have also lost.

Our Aaron has been an amazing source of encouragement to me. At five, he amazes me with his astute understanding and compassion. I know that God has placed that in him and is developing it. We all are given gifts and it astounds me how God uses them to minister to others. What is even more astounding is watching a child use those gifts. One day as I was laying on the couch, I realized that he had cuddled up to me, folded his hands, closed his eyes and was praying for his mother and our baby. The tears ran down my face as I listened to his prayer and the compassionate understanding he was sharing with God. It was a short prayer but it was powerful. He also had asked me where it hurt. I gently told him that my heart was where it hurt the most. He's been cuddling up to me, off and on throughout the day, blowing kisses to my heart because kisses make boo-boo's better.

One of the questions we struggle with is...Why? Why did this baby have to die? One of our children came to me questioning why God would take a baby from us when we prayed for it. I struggled to answer that. How do you answer your child when you struggle with the answer yourself?

Sometimes there just aren't any answers. You have to continue believing and trusting that God knew best. Isn't that what faith is? Believing without being able to see. I believe this is just another experience in our lives right now that is strengthening our faith, taking that faith to a new level and making us believe and trust even when we just don't understand and nothing makes any sense.

The battle is on. We are in a fight for our faith. Satan doesn't care about us but he does care about the faith we have in God. If you have that faith, he is determined to smack it down until you give up and turn your back on God. Then he has succeeded. God didn't take our baby away to be hurtful or as his judgment on us but He did allow it to happen because He cares about my faith and the strength that it has. He cares about whether my faith is real and whether I can trust Him no matter what is happening to me and around me. Is my faith authentic?

My husband asked me, the other night, whether I was trusting God because we have no other choice or if I was trusting God because I wanted to. The answer was heart breaking to me. I think, sometimes, that I am trusting God because we have no other choice, because we are not able to help ourselves, because I have no control over what is happening. It's hard looking at your heart in the mirror and finding out how wretched and sinful it is.

My heart's desire is to fully trust and believe in God's promises no matter what my circumstances are. That, when I look in the mirror, that my heart will reveal the character and Christ-like behavior that is pleasing and acceptable to my Abba Father. I've got a long ways to go. A lot of work still needs to be done in my life and in my heart but I am so thankful that my eyes have been opened so that those changes can be made and that I am willing.

God gives me the faith and the courage to meet each day no matter how difficult it is to face. He gives me the hope to share with other's as we walk this journey. He is our strength, our courage, our provider and the lifter of our heads.

Romans 8:18-19 (NLT): Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will give us later. For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are.

Easter 2009

2009-04-16T15:52:00.009-04:00

The kids love Easter time. They love coloring eggs. They love the anticipation of the loot (candy). Along with the candy, we make sure they know why Easter is a very special time to celebrate. Not only did Christ offer us the most precious Easter present, Salvation, but He also showed us through that how much He loves us. What could possibly be more of an example of that love than to die for my sinfulness.

One of the most exciting things that we are celebrating this year is that through Christ's blood God has offered each of us the gift of salvation which my five year old has accepted this very Easter. It is amazing to me to watch each of my children give their hearts to God in acceptance of His precious gift. It is the most precious aspect of me being parent who has been entrusted with these children to raise to love the Lord. When they finally come to the point of understanding and they give their hearts fully to God, I am so proud of them and the choice they've made. I continue to pray that each will make this relationship between them and God their very own throughout their lives.

It is amazing to me to watch how God has taken this relationship with our oldest and has lead him through a series of events just this past year to make it real to him. I pray that new understanding continues to grow and flourish as he lives his life and develops that relationship with Christ.

This year I found this cool Easter egg glitter pack for the kids to dye their eggs. I think Grace and I ended up doing all the glitter part. It took a little longer than some the kids were willing to wait for. So they put their order in for what color of glitter paper they wanted on their egg. Grace and I sat there and finished all the eggs up. Brad didn't want to participate this year which was sad for me. I do acknowledge that perhaps at some point, a teen may consider egg dying lame. Ah, time. It flies before your very eyes. At least, I have one last picture of him from last year which he reminds me that I 'forced' him into. Poor kid!

In Aaron and Ryan's little Easter bag, I got these really cool looking eggs that are suppose to hatch and grow a duck or a chick. Unfortunately, I didn't read the directions on the back which said that it takes about 72 hours. Aaron's hatched into this slimy duck in about 48 hours but only because I dropped it before placing it in the water, therefore, pre-cracking it. Ryan's, on the otherhand, is still in the water trying it's very best to hatch. I think we are going to have to help it along. I must admit that they were more patient with it than I anticipated.

I am so very excited that Spring is here and with it, the reminder that Jesus is ALIVE!

In Faith and Obedience

2009-04-09T21:01:00.003-04:00

I believe it is so important in sharing testimonies to God's faithfulness. It builds our faith up and inspires, encourages us to continue moving forward with the calling God has placed on our lives.

We had noticed that our next door neighbor had been home all week. This was unusual since he goes to work early in the morning during the week. So they had been on my heart as I wasn't sure if he got laid off or lost his job.

One morning, as I was taking a shower, I felt a real pressing to share some of the food we had with them. Of course, I debated back and forth for a bit thinking of how much we needed that food and how they probably were just fine justifying my decision to not go through with it. However, God just laid it out on my heart about obedience. When He calls us to do something, we better do it and not wait even if it doesn't make any sense to us. The decision was made to do what God had laid on my heart, to give the food in faith and in obedience.

It happened that he was out in his driveway working on his car. My husband went out there to ask him if he had been laid off and he said he hadn't. He was just home taking care of his wife who had had surgery on her foot. My husband asked him if he could use some extra food and he replied without hesitation that they could.

I loaded up several bags of canned goods and a few things from my freezer. Then, we took them over to them. Our neighbor was just amazed at the amount of food we were giving them. He asked us how we had all this 'extra'. I, then, was able to explain to him how God had provided in abundance to us and how he continues to provide. He kept commenting about how he couldn't believe that we have friends that would just give us food. I also told him that we were praying for quick healing for his wife which took him by surprise also.

To us, it was simple gesture. Nothing evangelical. Nothing super spiritual. Just purely trying to live life as God commands us to.

The next day, we walked into church and a lady there said that she just couldn't get us off her mind. She wanted to know if we needed food. Of course, I replied with a yes as I was thinking about my rather empty cupboards. She loaded up our car with groceries from the church pantry. That evening, I had another neighbor come over to tell me she put us on her prayer list at her church and that their church wanted to bring over some groceries that week. They showed up with eight bags of groceries. A couple days later, a friend showed up with fresh vegetables, salad, and potatoes from the market. And then finally, another woman gave me meat and ice cream from her freezer. At then end of the week, my oldest son commented that we had been given more than we gave.

That was an important lesson on obedience and I couldn't have taught that to my kids any better. God is our provider and we need to trust that He knows best. He has already set the path before us.

Another thing that happened just this past week was that we were out of milk. We go through about a gallon a day so this is always a need. It had been a particularly tight week financially so my husband took my hand and as we stood in the kitchen, he prayed that God would provide milk. Within four days, we had ten gallons of milk.

I totally believe that God will provide when we pray but when it truly happens and over what I expect, it is overwhelming. God promises to provide and we are living examples that He does what He promises. As His children, we are not dependent on this economy. His ways are higher, wider, and deeper than anything we can imagine. Trust Him, obey Him and live your life for Him. You will be amazed at what He does.

Yep, I double and triple checked.

2009-03-29T14:16:00.002-04:00

Excuses

2009-03-27T23:11:00.004-04:00

It is quite comical when putting kids to bed. They always try to stall by throwing out so many excuses. I am quite use to: I need to kiss Brad, Grace, Ryan and Aaron. I need my Daddy. I need my bear. I need a drink and so on.

I was totally not expecting this one.....

As I was putting Kara, who is two, to bed last night. She started her excuse list. It's almost become a routine. As I was answering the endless list, it suddenly dawned on me she threw a new one in there. After she went through her kiss list, she added her need to hug the toilet. She was quite adamant that that was necessary. As I finished tucking her in and praying with her, she left me with her final request....But mommy, I NEED to hug the toilet. She wasn't going to let that one go. I told her maybe we could see about that in the morning, hoping she would forget by then.

Kids are just hysterical and if you are not paying attention, you'll miss those moments.

The Unknown

2009-03-25T20:56:00.004-04:00

It is a difficult place to be when facing the unknown. It's scary, it's unsettling, and it's sometimes a lonely road. Many want to know if things have changed or are wanting to know what we are going to do as we continue to remain in this situation. To be honest, we don't know what we are going to do.

We are in this place that has had ever door closed that we have tried to move through. You could get quite discouraged and we have from time to time. But in the midst of it, we are completely trusting that God is going to reveal the right door, in the right time.

As far as our house goes, I know that we are allowed a six month redemption period which will be up in May. We have been told that we need to wait to hear from the mortgage company before we can do anything. They have to go through the court to evict us so once we hear from them we are given a short period of time to remove ourselves from this home. My nightmare is that the sheriff will show up and tell us to get out without notice. Some friends of ours have seen people scrambling for their stuff as the sheriff has shown up to escort them out. That concerns me greatly.

We are struggling to keep the lights on and the car insurance up to date so even contemplating a place to rent is out of the question. If we can't keep up with the small things, how can we even attempt to take on something as big as a rent payment. We are just in this place of complete dependence on God. Everytime I start to get upset because things are so tight, I can hear them screaming, I hear this little voice that asks me who I am depending on. Is it me or is it God?

I don't understand the longevity of this time we are going through. I don't understand how all the parts of our lives with Bob's health and everything that has happened are all intertwined into one big ball of chaos. There are no answers at this point. All I know is that God has ordained this time for a reason. A reason we may never have an answer for. I can only pray and ask that my eyes be open to the road God has set before us and be obedient to what He calls us to do daily, no matter how agonizing it is.

I try to embrace this time and learn all that I can from it. I pray that all the things I have learned will not only lead to a deeper understanding in my mind but will take root in my heart. I know that there has been no other time in my life when I have grown so much in my relationship with God and for that I have something to cherish. A gift that I could never have if it weren't for this time.

I look forward to the day when God removes the stopper. However, I do not want to go back to our 'old ways' of thinking, of doing life and of living for Him. I can't wait to see what God has in store for us through His restoration.

Fighting Discouragement

2009-03-18T19:26:00.003-04:00

To be frankly honest, I haven't felt much like blogging lately. Life has felt a little bit like it's crushing on all sides and it sometimes feels suffocating. I know that God is in control and He continues to provide, gently guiding us along this journey. It is extremely difficult to not become weary and worn down. Some of that is my own fault because when you are feeling worn out and discouraged, you find yourself just going through the motions of living. In those times, I find myself not filling up on the very thing that gives me strength and courage to meet each day.

One of the things that has completely discouraged me is the fact that there was an offer to pay for health insurance for my husband. As he was filling out the application and ready to hit the submit button, the fine print read that for pre-existing conditions there was a six month waiting period. That to me was a door slammed shut. I don't think its right to have someone pay for insurance while we sit there waiting for six months to be able to even use it.

I guess I was really putting hope in that. That, finally, we would be able to get the medical tests done that would perhaps give us some direction. Right now, as it stands, the doctors are making their best guess. They 'think' he has nerve damage. Let's try this. Let's try that. In the meantime, I watch him suffer so much. I feel, at times, like he's fading away right before my very eyes. He is so very brave and he continues to move forward every day never giving up for one second believeing that God is going to do something great and miraculous.

I believe that too but it's hard to hold on to hope when all the evidence is saying differently. My thoughts often lead me to wonder if I will be a widow or if this thing we are fighting will eventually lead to a path I don't want to go down. There is just so much I don't know, that I don't understand. I don't know what God's will is for him or us. It may very well be what I don't want. I just pray that God will heal him, that somehow He will make a way in this awful suffering.

I do know that God will continue to walk this road with me whatever happens. I do know that God will continue to provide as He promises. I do know that I will continue to praise and worship Him no matter what the day brings. I do know that God is God and His ways are sometimes unfathomable. I am learning to trust Him no matter what is going on around me. I know that throwing temper tantrums, yelling and being upset doesn't change a thing. I know that being mad just puts a divider between the One who can give me what I need for the day and the one who hasn't got a clue about anything (that's me).

I know that I need to rest in the knowledge that God has ordained my steps and the promises of provision that are there for me. That He loves me so very much and that He cares about my tears. His desire is for the growth of my heart and my relationship with Him. Those are the things that are lasting and that are being put through the fire. The things that are of any value will only be more beautiful through this refining. It is an agonizing process but I know, in the end, it's for the glory of God. I may be a bit discouraged today but there is a new day coming. A day of restoration, of hope and of victory. Our God reigns.

A Rigorous Course

2009-03-07T10:46:00.002-05:00

I've been learning many things over the last three years. To me, it's been a crash course in spiritual muscle development. I prefer to go the more gentle route but someone else thought that I would only learn the things I needed to through a rigorous course in dependence. You should see what happens when you have the legs of what we think security is kicked out from underneath us. It really shows you where your heart is and truly where we view God.

One of the hardest things is to realize that you have absolutely no control over anything. This usually sends me into a fit of frustration and anger. I hate what's happening around me but I am helpless to change it. Every direction we take seems to be met with a dead end. I beg, plead and have vigorous conversations with the Lord and yet, I have no answers. Silence seems to follow me around.

Then, ever so gently, something will happen that was clearly the working of God himself as if to say that He is listening, providing and making a way. Perhaps in my, what I refer to as Donald Duck moments, I am so busy being frustrated that things are not changing that I miss the areas that are.

One thing that I have noticed is that I have great periods of growth that make me feel like I am soaring, that I have learned much and am on that mountain top. Then, there are periods after that, that are valley-like and silent. It is difficult to keep your focus upward in those times and especially after a lengthy crisis. You begin to wonder where God is, if he's forgotten you, if you will ever be on the other side of it. Sometimes we just have to continue trusting God even when nothing makes sense or whether we feel up to it or not. God sees the beginning to the end and the end to the beginning and only He is able to work things out.

So why can't I leave it alone and let Him do what needs to be done. Because I am uncomfortable. Life's situations are ripping me raw and I see the pain and it's effects everyday. My heart yearns to heal the hurts and make things well. But, God did not intend for me to do that. He wants me to learn something through this. He wants me to know and understand the depth of His love. He wants me to know and understand where my dependence should be. He wants me to know and to understand about trusting Him alone.

It's one thing to say that we trust God, that we depend on God, that we know that God loves us and an entirely different thing to fully understand what the reality of that means in the deep places of our soul. When we are placed in a situation that makes us face that in the raw, you find out really what you believe those to be.

Some chuck the whole thing and give up their faith in God declaring that God doesn't love them or He has forgotten them. How could a God of love do that? Others, hang on with all that they have struggling day to day to fight for their relationship with God, knowing that living for Christ was never promised to be easy.

I choose to hang on with all that I have even when nothing makes sense and my world seems to be falling apart. I am broken and liquefied. I am terrified of what may come. But most importantly, I want what I've been learning about God to settle in my soul so that I know without equivocation the things I've learned. Those things which will be stored up as true treasures. I want to learn all that I can about the God who created me so that when I meet Him face to face, HE will not be an UNKNOWN God to me.

A Unexpected Reply

2009-02-23T09:04:00.003-05:00

I was sitting on Grace's bed giving great encouragement to her on how to organize her things when Kara, our two year old, came to see me. She told me she needed to talk to me. I gently placed her on the bed next to me and asked her what she wanted to talk about. She looked at me with those deep blue eyes and responded with an unexpected reply. Her answer was simply...boys!

The only thought that ran through my head along with the uncontrollable laughter was that I think we are in trouble. She's quite a character.

He's a funny one....

2009-02-19T09:55:00.002-05:00

Aaron is an amazing child. He likes to use the words hideous, sewage and delirious. He also is a tease. He loves to get his two year old sister in a whirl. He gets that twinkle in his eye and you know he's up to something. One of my favorite things about this kid is his one-eyed pirate grin. He kind of squints one eye closed and tilts his head to one side and then, you know he's gonna say something profound. We call him our very own fortune cookie. You just never know what wise words are going to come out.

Yesterday he was teasing his little sister until she was in a screaming fit. I calmly told him that I was going to send him to the moon if he didn't stop. He looks up at me with his one-eyed pirate look and said, Mooooom, that would take a rocket ship!

Ok, so he's got me there. He's a pretty smart kid in my opinion.

Just Precious

2009-02-12T20:53:00.007-05:00

Recently, my mother in law brought over a beautiful new dress for our little Kara. She loves to wear dresses and loves to dance, sing and sparkle. So the dress was a perfect choice for her. After putting it on, she twirled about and declared that she WAS a princess! I truly think she believes that with all her heart.

One night we sat down to eat dinner. Kara clasped her hands and exclaimed in an excited voice, that is was time to do the 'dear Jesus'.

Many times Miss Kara gets up before I do. She likes to climb into bed with me and let me know that she's up. When I don't respond to her giggles, she grabs my eyelids and yanks them open. She says she needs to see my eyes. It is certainly an eye opening experience.

The most precious prayers that I have ever heard have come from my young children. Kara has especially taken a liking to being the one to pray. She folds her hands and thanks God for our food and then tells Him that she loves Him. I get tears in my eyes every time.

The Sickies

2009-02-04T21:18:00.004-05:00

There is one thing that I try to avoid more than anything else and that is the throwing up kind of flu virus. I know, you are probably laughing at this announcement as you think about me running about with my five kids. Kids seem to be the bearer and spreader of viruses. We even went so far as to stay home from church the two weeks before Christmas. You may think this is extreme but we've been caught too many times during the holiday season dealing with the flu. Let me assure you, it is a real downer to the holiday!

An invitation to a cute little girl birthday party came in the mail to which we agreed to go. What was I thinking? A night full of bouncy fun, pizza and cupcakes were planned along with lots and lots of cute little people under three and a half feet. Should I mention the squealing that was heard to the 30th degree? Two days after the party, our five year old threw up. Maybe a change in my thinking would be good. I say we need to hibernate from two weeks before Christmas to hmmm, let's say....May.

One of the downsides to having a bigger size family is times like these. I always hope that only one kid will be down with illness at a time. I cross my fingers and pray, begging God to spare the rest of us but then, the next kid will begin the process. Ahh...nuts, I say. As one by one, each member of the family succumbed to this sickness, I was determined to remain healthy. I detest throwing up and thus, me running the race to not do that.

In my determination, it may appear to some, mainly my husband, that I am unsympathetic or uncompassionate. One of the things that is important is to maintain healthy air within the home. So we open the windows, widely. I know that it's only 15 degrees outside but I encourage the family to just cover up under blankets and allow the temperature to drop four degrees. Is that so much to ask? It is very difficult to try and not breathe in a house full of the ickies. I can only imagine what the neighbors must be thinking when they hear me yank open the door and run outside to inhale the oxygen that is outside the home.

My husband always wants me to sit with him or hold his hand when he's sick. I suppose wiping him down with Lysol wipes might be going a bit too far? I don't know....maybe. As I was sitting in the office, catching up on some email, I hear this little blip coming from the intercom on the phone. When I looked at the interface screen on it, it told me that it was coming from the phone my darling husband had near him. Is that anything like him ringing a bell for me to get something for him? I'd say so. You can only guess how well that went over.

By the end of the week, I ran screaming from the house. I was feeling a bit claustrophobic. Just how many people can you sit on your lap at one time? There was a church meeting and I went. While there, I got a text message telling me that the final child has blessed the hallway. That left only me, the lone ranger. Ever feel like the odds are against you?

The following evening, the lone ranger lost the fight and joined the ranks of the rest of the family. It's good every now and then to experience a brief moment in time when you think you are dying and never ever again want to partake of food. It makes the moment you are better, seem like heaven. Ah...sweet, sweet food. Then, there are the cheers coming from Ryan, our seven year old, who had just come from the bathroom, empatically announcing that he once again had solid 'poop'. The things we take for granted....

The Mop

2009-01-29T19:44:00.003-05:00

Once upon a time we had a mop. It was several years old but it worked sufficiently except for the sponge head that was wearing out. Mop heads do that, they wear out from use. So I went on the search to find a new mop head replacement that would once again clean the floor like nobody's business. Little did I know that they discontinued that particular mop and I could not find a mop head to fit it, not even a generic. However, I was hopeful that I would eventually come upon one and all would be well with the world. So we waited and we continued to mop paying no mind to the disintegrated pieces that it left behind.

Time passed and more of my old mop crumbled away leaving one of the ends unattached giving it the name, floppy mop. This makes it incredibly difficult to get this task done and it also increases the frustration point of the user. Instead of paying for a counseling session on how to properly vent one's anger towards a mop, I decided that it was time to look for a whole brand new mop instead of just a replacement head before there was nothing left of the old one. I tend to procrastinate sometimes. This was one of those times until my husband happened to be with me on a trip to the store and strong armed me into purchasing one. I guess he likes clean floors.

Down the mop isle we went. I said maybe we should wait. He said today was a great day to buy a new mop. I looked them all over trying to choose just the right one. The one that would just make my mopping experience special leaving me with the desire to do more. After much consideration, I made my choice. It was the Clorox Butterfly Mop. How could you go wrong with a brand that makes you think clean and a mop that was named after a beautiful little fluttery thing?

I couldn't wait to get it home and use it but first, it needed to age a little. I lovingly placed it where the old one once rested sending the old one to the great mop retirement center in the sky. After days of sticky kool-aid and spilled orange juice made their mark on my dirty floor, I gave in and brought out the new, sure-to-clean Clorox Butterfly mop. I just knew that this was going to be the wonder of all wonders and was all set to show off my sparkling clean floor.

The floor was ready to receive the first swipe at cleanliness. One swipe, two swipes and snap! The mop head was removed from the handle leaving me reeling with such disappointment. What is this that I see, I asked myself? How could this be? My mop which was once whole is now in two pieces. But alas, out of the corner of my eye, I saw my knight in shining armor swoop in on his mighty white steed (his sock feet) and effortlessly save the day. He 'clicked' the pieces back together as they were made to come apart. He assured me it was all better and that I could continue on.

I am here to tell you that this was not nor continues to be the case. The more and more I use this mop, the quicker it comes apart. My exciting mopping experience has quickly dissipated into a Donald Duck episode. My ire is up and this mop has fallen from my graces. My husband heard me in a fit of anger and asked me what exactly was wrong with the mop and so I began to show him. Once it falls off, I can't get it back on and then, I'm left to use the mop head down on my hand's and knees. This does not make for a happy wife, I explained. He looked it over and gave it a try himself only it didn't come apart for him. This only sent more irritation up my spine. Why is it when someone else gives the thing a try, it works perfectly but when I use it, it falls apart a gazillion times. It apparently has a grudge against me.

The last straw was this week when a bout of throw up landed on the floor. I won't go into all the curdled details but a mop was very necessary. Out came the cleaner and then came the mop. One swipe, two swipes and snap! Try and try as I might, the mop head was resisting being put back together. I declared to everyone who would listen that I absolutely refuse to get down on my hands and knees with the stupid mop head and clean that mess up! We all have our limitations.

Being the compassionate wife and mother that I am, came to my senses and did clean up the mess. The smell and the heaving sensations throw up brings is a great motivator to get it out of sight as soon as one possibly can. However, I refused to use the mop. We are not on speaking terms. I suppose I should consider purchasing a new one. I now know what I want and don't want in a mop. But I'm scared to step out and try a new one....

A Curriculum Giveaway

2009-01-29T16:57:00.002-05:00

My friend better known as the 'Mom with Brownies' is hosting a Sylvan curriculum giveaway contest.

She has recently purchased a workbook for her son and is very positive about it. She has three books that she is planning on giving away and even the shipping is free! How awesome is that??!!

If you are interested, go check it out!

Distractions

2009-01-27T15:17:00.005-05:00

I've been trying to decide whether to address this or not. In one sense, making any sort of comment about what happened this week could potentially just be fuel for more unhealthy discussion but on the other hand, many of you saw the comments that were made this week which I'd like to address.

I am choosing to say a few things from my heart and then I will say no more, moving on to better things. First, I know that whether you are typing your heart out on a blog, a note to someone or even talking about choices you make in passing to friends or acquaintances opens you up to all kinds of criticism. It's risky business letting people know where you are at or what you are thinking. We all are different. We think differently. We act differently. We choose differently. God does not have the same path set up for you or for me. So, to sit here and judge someone based on what you think that person should do puts you in the place of God.

Criticizing each other and talking behind people's back about how wrong we think they are and how horrible that person is for making the choices that they are making is very sad. It creates dissent and chaos. Not one person on this planet is perfect nor are their decisions. The majority of us are making decisions based on what we believe is the best way to go. Those of us who are believers ask God fervently to help us make wise choices, that those choices will be in alignment with God's Word. If we believe that people are honestly seeking out the wisdom that comes from our God, then why, oh why do people scorn us when it's not the way they would do it? Wouldn't you cheer them on to keep making those choices based on what God has placed on their hearts and encourage them to continue seeking His will?

Secondly, the complete hatred that was expressed in one of the comments kind of made me laugh. It was so apparently clear to me what all that was about. How can someone who is from the Portland, Oregon area, who only knows the bits and pieces of things that I place on my blog have such disgust for me?. So here is my thought on that. God has placed a fire in the heart's of this family to preach God's truths through every avenue we have available to us. Through our blogs, through the actions we take, which includes homeschooling, (and no, I did not choose to homeschool because I had a bad experience in school myself,) through every way our lives intersect with others. We will not be silent.

When we choose to live our lives surrendered to the Lord God Almighty, something happens in the spirit. Those who do not know God personally hear the truth and their spirit either longs to know more or it cries out in agony. Man was created for companionship with God and completely for His Glory, but God gave us free will to choose. When we choose to deny ourselves the One who created us, our souls are missing an imperative piece that gives us the Life that was originally intended for us by God, leaving us empty and unfulfilled. Satan hates, hates, hates it when we choose to live our lives God's way. He knows the end is near and I believe he's kicking up his attacks to the millionth degree leaving many believers suffering.

I believe that much of what is happening are distractions to get our eye's off of what God has put before us, in an attempt to make us ineffective. I refuse to let what happened here in the comments remove the intention of my posts. Therefore, I removed those comments from view. For now, I will be moderating them as they come in. Those that are full of things that are pure, lovely and of good report will only be approved. I thank you, in advance, for your understanding in this area.

We are trying to live our lives the best we can according to what we believe God has placed before us. We do not have all the answers. Much of it is unknown but we are moving forward in faith and believing that God will direct our steps, as He has promised. We are choosing to be purposeful in building those around us up and placing our focus not on what this world has to offer, but what God has to offer in strength, in courage and sharing His most prized gift, eternal life.

I refuse to be distracted by someone's spirit screaming out at me because the choices we make are based on a moral and scriptural basis. I know that by being fully surrendered to God, there will be persecution coming against me. I am prepared for that and also know my place in God's kingdom. The ONLY one who I am responsible to is God and I will only answer to Him for the decisions I've made. He has already won this victory.

What Once Was....

2009-01-24T21:43:00.003-05:00

We are soon coming up on the second anniversary of the day I took my husband to the emergency room with severe abdominal pain. This led to lots of poking and tests which ended with the removal of his gallbladder. We thought that was the end of that scary experience not knowing what kind of pain he would be left with on a daily basis.

After rerunning the tests a couple months later and still not finding anything wrong, we were told that perhaps it was just fluid build up that would take a bit of time to go away. Now two years later, he is still suffering. We've been told that it's probably nerve damage by a couple different doctor's. It seems like everybody is just taking a stab at their best guesstimate. Not having insurance doesn't help. It's affecting his life, our life. Everything we do has to be scheduled around how he is feeling and the pain medication he is taking.

This has had such a volcanic impact upon where we are at right now. It erupted and now continues to flow downward taking with it all that is connected. His ability to work. Our vehicle. Our home. Things that we once thought we could count on are no more. One of the things that just breaks my heart is watching him come in the door from being at a meeting, a customer site or even just church and seeing him in so much pain he could hardly make it home. Then, we all make a mad dash for the couch to clear it off so we can get him to lay down. Laying down seems to take the pressure off and helps to relieve it some.

Sometimes I get a frantic call from the kids telling me to get home because they are scared that Dad is going to die. If he sits in one position too long, stand's too long or if he is in the car, it seems to set it off tremendously. Intense pain makes him drop things like his favorite Mackinac coffee cup which shattered, makes him scared that he is going to drop his little ones, makes him cry when his two year old tells him it's going to be alright, Daddy. Little things are huge. One time he was on the way home from a customer site in Marine City and the tire on the car went flat. He was under the car trying to get the spare out and hurting so bad that he couldn't finish it. Who do you call? When you are a sobbing mess and faced with the realization you can't do the things you use to do, who do you call for help?

It's hard to come to terms with the fact that what was once is no more. Where do you go from here? How do you adapt so that you can continue moving forward? Continue living? It's difficult not to be angry. Not at the person but the circumstances. It seems like everything we've tried is just not working the way we need them too. The losses, the frustration, the inability to take care of ourselves is overwhelming. How do you go on from here?

As a wife, this is an extremely scary road to travel. My mind goes in all different directions with the what if's which pretty much try to overwhelm me and render me incapacitated. I've had to force myself to focus on the fact that God is bigger than all of this and that He promises to give us what we need to walk the road He has allowed. He knows the beginning from the end and the end from the beginning. I need to trust Him, that he has it all under control. I don't understand any of it but I know that I trust my Lord and I know that He promises restoration. I don't know how that restoration is going to come about but I know that it's a promise and God always follows through on his promises. It may not be what I want but it will be for His glory.

The one thing that I have watched through all of this is the determination to never give up, the refusal to give up hope, to continue moving forward, giving all that he can inspite of how he is feeling to us and to those he serves through our business and whoever he comes into contact with, emerge with amazing resound. His faith in the Lord God has been such an amazing blessing. I am so thankful that he has refused to be beat down by all that we are going through but instead has a firm resolve to share a hope and a smile with everyone. His strongest heart's desire is to pray with and for people and I've seen him touch, encourage and share with so many that it overwhelms me with tears of thankfulness.

The worst thing we could do right now is to sit down, have a pity party and give up. That would only shut down God's willingness to work through this, taking our suffering and making it worth something. Paul talks about counting it all joy when trials come and I have to say that even in the midst of my tears, in the midst of my anguish, I am so thankful that God has given us both the opportunity to grow in our faith, to be able to share our testimony with so many and to encourage those around us to keep looking to the Lord.

There are so many things that God has done through this situation and so much that we have learned about God and His love that I wouldn't trade it for anything. In fact, I might even be willing to go through it all again if it meant that one life would be saved and headed for God's Kingdom. Let's not forget to mention my own heart being awoken from a slumbering sleep.

I encourage you who are feeling discouraged, you who feel God has left you, you who feel as if your heart has been shattered into a million pieces, you who are struggling or are scared, to seek God out. His arms are always there, open and waiting for you to come to Him. Study, study, and study the scriptures in His Word. There is comfort, there are answers and there is everything we need to meet each day with courage. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I know God is already moving on my behalf arranging for there to be what I need to walk through it....if only I will willingly receive it.

A Do Over Birthday

2009-01-20T21:00:00.003-05:00

You just never know how your day is going to turn out once you leave that cozy soft pillow and warm bed. Some days are filled with the ho-hum every day things you do in a 24 hour period and then there are other days....

Since last week didn't work out so well to celebrate my birthday, I decided that we would have a do over birthday this week and today was the day! I bounced out of bed at an early hour not because I was ready to embrace the day but because my two youngest just couldn't do without me. So sleeping in was crossed off the list and I gently and lovingly reminded myself that what mother could resist a child mentioning that she was needed. I put my best face forward, told my pillow that we would once again be together and went to attend to those little darlings.

As I savored my coffee between getting drinks and food for those sweetie pies who are just so cute and always hungry, I kept telling myself how very much it's good to be needed. There isn't much sitting down and slowly embracing the day when there is much to be done for the care of tiny ones whose little eyes full of trust look to you to take care of their every need.

My husband had mentioned to me that he wanted to take me out for a birthday lunch. After the flurry of getting ready and out the door, my husband noticed and lovingly mentioned to me when we got out to the car that our tire was completely flat. *Sob*. I was so looking forward to going out and was desperately telling myself to not be disappointed. I was so not going to be irritated over a stupid flat tire and ruin this day. We've had enough sadness to last us for awhile.

We tried the air compressor but it did nothing to help the tire along. Thank goodness my mother in law offered to come and pick us up to drop the tire off at the fix-it shop and she even offered to drive us to where we wanted to eat while we waited for the tire to be repaired. The trick was getting the tire off. My poor husband who is in excruciating pain daily had to help me and our oldest son try to get the tire off in 15 degree weather along with the snow. Ever hear of frozen lug nuts? Banging on them doesn't really help a whole lot. Somehow we got them off along with the tire and nobody got hurt! I was wondering just how many of us it was going to take.

It ended up good. We got to go enjoy my birthday lunch and the repair to the tire was done pretty quickly and without expense. The one thing I was determined not to do today in the midst of irritating events was to lose my joy. It is so easy to let one thing send your whole day into a tizzy and it affects everybody around you. Before you know it, everybody is upset, nobody is happy and that does not make for a great day.

The other thing that turned out great was that I saw the sunrise. How very glorious it was. It seems to me that lately they have been even more spectacular than usual. It was a beautiful orange that lit the sky all around. Only the creator himself could have come up with that. Thank you God for that today! You astound us with your paintbrush that illuminates the heavens.

God Values Us

2009-01-17T21:34:00.004-05:00

It's been a tough week. Losing somebody you love is excruciatingly painful. It is amazing how it affects you physically, emotionally and mentally. It leaves a gaping hole. You assume that person is always going to be there, that there will be time to build on relationships, create memories and time to let that person know that you are connected as our lives touch and intersect.

We need to remember to tell people just how much we care, how much we appreciate them. We've become so accustomed to keeping people at arm's length not wanting them to get too close or maybe we are afraid that our care, our love will be rejected. God created us to need each other. He uses us to minister, encourage, to love and to tangibly show his love through us and our relationships with each other. Aaron, our five year old, grabbed my face this morning and staring into my eyes, he told me how much he loved me and that he would never give up on this family. He is pretty wise...always giving out bits of wisdom way beyond his years. He knows that Uncle Joe died but we haven't told him more than that so his words touched my heart. His compassion for those hurting overwhelms me and I know that God placed that there in his heart. I am challenged by him to show that same compassion and love to those around me, to look at those I care about and speak words of compassion, love and of hope.

I don't think Joe realized how much of an impact he had on the lives he touched. As I looked around last night at the funeral home at all the people that were there and then listening to the people give testimony of Joe's life and the memories of who he was today at the memorial service, I just thought that even with the challenges he faced, God used him mightily.

One of the things that stood out today was something the pastor spoke of. He talked about our value to God. Satan has been successful in stealing our value to God in our human minds. I've been dealing with that myself this past year. Value. Do you believe that you have value in God's eyes? I always look at my short comings and how much I fail God but He doesn't look at us that way. He looks at us through pure, unconditional love. Through the blood, God sees us as clean, without blemish.

Satan so wants us to feel unlovable, unloved, full of misery and grief. He wants us to feel like we have no purpose, no value. I don't think Joe understood how very much he was valued and loved not just by his family and friends but to God. If you are struggling with those thoughts and feelings, I encourage you to let God into your heart. He is the one who gives you purpose and value. He is the author and creator of love and of you. All he wants is for you to come unto him. If you open your heart to him, he can begin showing you how valuable you are and how much he can fill the emptiness you feel. He just wants you wherever you are, in whatever condition you are in. He doesn't care. He is waiting, my friend.

Choices

2009-01-14T07:02:00.002-05:00

I'm up and I just can't sleep. It's been an incredibly tough day and my mind is going in a million different directions. We have many decisions to make today and it's going to be difficult.

I woke up yesterday ready to embrace my birthday fun! I came down the stairs to hear my oldest daughter frantically telling me to not go into the kitchen for any reason ever. So with a sigh and putting my desperate need for coffee aside, I went into the office, instead to wait.

A little bit later, I received word that it was time to enter the kitchen for my birthday breakfast. I was thrilled! It was hot and it was good. Grace had made me a ham and cheese omelet and also prepared pancakes to go along with it. As I savored every bite, I sat there remembering all the past birthday breakfasts. Most included cold toast and a ginormous liter of orange juice. The birthday breakfast has evolved and I noticed that year after year they get better. I am so thankful for a sweetheart of a daughter that finds it important to shower her mother with all kinds of love which includes birthday breakfast and wonderful cards.

After I had enjoyed my wonderful meal, we got a concerned call from my mother in law about my brother in law, Joseph. The day was then thrown into a frantic search for life. It ended terribly and not with the result our hearts were hoping for. Joseph had made a choice for his life that ended it too soon. You ask yourself if maybe you should have said this or said that. That, maybe in something you could have said, it would have changed things. You hope he knew how much you cared, how much you loved that person, how much he was a part of your life. But in the end, he chose.

The heartbreaking sorrow that has come as a result of that is awful. We must remember the wonderful brother that he was. He loved to tease and with it came a sparkle in his eye. He loved his nieces and nephews and would always be found in the midst of them when we were together. I pray that God will comfort all of them as he has left a big hole.

In spite of all of this, we saw God's hand tangibly. It showed through the love and support of our friends and family. It showed through the Sheriff and the detective. God was there. He was holding us up and giving us the courage to face the day.

Reviewing 2008

2009-01-07T14:38:00.003-05:00

I'm a little behind but I wanted to highlight the events of 2008. Time goes by so fast and sometimes I forget all the adventures that we experience in that year. Although, there are some adventures that are worth remembering more than others. So here we go:

We continued fostering my cousins, Barbara and Sharlene which ended with them moving to another home that was more suited to the special needs that they had.

Bob's father passed away a year ago, today.

We came close to losing my brother in law, Dave, but God is the restorer of life and blessed our family with more time with him. He was able to be there when his precious daughter was born and continues to be a testimony of God's amazing miracles. God is good.

I became the mother of a teenager.

Family reunions. It's important to see, hug and reconnect with family.

Spent some time in the emergency room with Kara due to a little weed in our backyard called the Deadly Nightshade becoming a snack.

Became an addict of Facebook and twitter.

We lost our home, camper and Suburban.

More time with my kids and husband. Time is a gift.

But most importantly, through all the suffering we are enduring, I've seen God's hand at work. My relationship with the Lord God Almighty has grown and deepened in so many ways. For this, I'm so thankful.

Phew....after going through all the posts from last year, I feel like I need a nap! We've been through a lot. Remembering how crazy scared I was about some of the things that happened, I now look back and see how God provided for our needs. There are still so many unanswered questions and I don't know if I will ever have them all cleared up for our understanding but I do know that when you put your trust in God, He provides.

My spiritual journey this year has been stretched. There have been times when I've felt like I've wrestled with God. My will struggles to get in alignment with His will but yet, I seem to fail at getting it to mind. I know what I need to do but yet, my mind and my heart are warring against each other. I need to get what I've learned to take root and develop in my soul. I have such a need to be in control and to move these mountains that are before us and am constantly reminded that I am NOT in control..of anything. Therein, the struggle. I've felt many times that I make a poor excuse for a believer. My faith, I feel, is majorly lacking and I struggle with doubt and unbelief.

Through all of the stretching, God is trying to get me to grasp hold of how much he loves me, he pursues me and desires my heart. My mind knows this but how do you get that understanding to settle in your very being so that spiritually, mentally and physically you know it with out doubt, without question. Somehow, Abraham was able to, without doubt, trust that what God promised him would happen. I want that. I want these stupid doubts to leave my mind and my heart. I believe that to undoubtingly believe and have faith in God's promises, honors Him like nothing else. My heart's desire is to be able to do that. Perhaps, this is the next phase in which God alone is working on in me.

I pray that this new year brings you in a closer relationship with Him and if you don't have a relationship with God, I pray that you will give your heart to Him. What have you got to lose? He already knows you inside and out and He wants you just as you are.

Where Did It Go?

2008-12-27T18:57:00.006-05:00

Are you asking yourself, where the big, red Suburban went? It's gone. It really was the last thing to go and I cried. We are officially assetless. It's not a place that I ever wanted to be. However, we've come to this place of realization that no matter what you have here, if you have an expensive house or an expensive car, if you've got trust funds, IRA funds, stocks and bonds, or even if you have all your ducks in a row, it really all doesn't matter. What really and truly is the bottom line, is the assets you are building for Christ. Yes, I enjoyed having that car. It was a blessing not only to us, but to those who were driven to the store, to Bible study, to pick up medicine, to run a stranger to the gas station and jump his dead battery and to those who simply rode in it going from here to there. But mostly, I cried because of this situation we are in that seems to have no end.

The one thing that I find most frustrating is talking to the customer service representatives, otherwise known as creditors. When you set up payment agreements with one person, you have another one call you from the same company who assures you that what you set up previously is unacceptable. We had talked to a representative who said if we could come up with one payment that perhaps we would be able to split the next payment up. So we followed her instructions and made the payment. The very next day, 'our case manager', who was really quite snippy, would not accept that agreement and was all out bent on sending the 'repo' guy out.

So on Christmas night, when all were in bed, except my husband and my teenage son, they came for it, setting off the alarm and waking the neighborhood. My husband kindly went out there to offer them the keys, shocking the repo man that he was not raving mad. In return for his sincere and kind attitude, he was able to get the carseat out of it and my Altoids.

It could really make you mad that things happen the way they do, but we really prayed about it. We know that for some unknown reason to us, at this point, all of this stuff is happening and we just have to trust God that He is going to work it all out. Having only one car is really going to be inconvenient. It's going to make things more difficult with scheduling but it is, what it is. God knows our needs and we just have to leave it to Him to work out because everything we've tried to do in our humanness is not and has not worked out. God clearly wants to do something here but the waiting is driving me nutty.

In the midst of all this trauma, I've felt God telling me to just trust Him and to continue praising Him. It's a hard thing to do sometimes, especially when you feel much like a failure or that you feel like God is letting you down. Then, I was reminded of Job. He lost everything and the one thing that stood out to me was his wife. She let her anger and bitterness turn her into this woman who was unsupportive and hateful. That is not the person who I believe God wants me to be nor do I want to let the things of this life, like what we are going through, distract me from what God really wants me to learn from all of this.

So instead of shaking my fist, stomping up and down and having myself a good ol' temper tantrum, I praise God for his mercy. I praise Him for the time that we were able to use the vehicle, for the time He allowed us to live in our home, for taking care of us and providing for our needs. We were so blessed this holiday with so many surprise blessings and we know that God directed them. Even in the midst of heartbreaking crises, somewhere in the middle of it, you will see God's hand of blessing. We have felt His tender care through so many wonderful people and for that I am so eternally grateful.

Christmas 2008

2008-12-26T13:20:00.003-05:00

We had a very nice Christmas. God blessed us so much and through that blessing, the kids had presents to unwrap. This Christmas truly was a reminder and tangible evidence that we have nothing except for God's gift to us, Jesus. Through His gift, we have the blessing of eternal life.

Some of my favorite parts were spending time with family, cooking and preparing yummy goodies to share. The kids were gathered together to start the unwrapping of the 'prizes' yesterday morning when all of the sudden Kara said...shhhh, placing her hand to her ear, she exclaimed that she could hear ho, ho, ho! She's quite the card at only two years old. Then, later that day as we were getting into the car, Kara had her little mini m&m container that had been devoured the night before. After getting buckled in, she popped it open and I saw a bunch of nerd's candies in there. Apparently, she had been looting all the kids candy from their stockings and decided to refill her container...for the road!

The only downside to all of our fun is that my camera decided to act up and not work. Isn't there a law that says thou camera shalt work on Christmas capturing all those precious moments?? I think I might have gotten maybe one shot to work but only some of the kids are in it. It's just a crying shame. Guess I'll have to put a new camera on my birthday list. Thank goodness, it's not too far away! I'd hate to miss one single moment getting on film!

Congratulations!

2008-12-25T12:19:00.003-05:00

Congratulations goes out to our two blessed winners:

Carlos Gonzalez from Spencer, IA!

Christy Small from Coshocton, OH!

We look forward to helping you with your computer issues.

Merry Christmas, all!

Christmas Give Away!

2008-12-24T10:28:00.005-05:00

We here at Bob's PC Pro know how important it is to keep your computer running as smooth as possible and when it's not, frustration happens. People threaten to take a bat to it or throw it out the window. So with all that in mind, we want to relieve some of that stress and offer a special Christmas Give Away!

The prize: One hour FREE of REMOTE computer support.

For those of you who do not know what remote support is, I'll explain. It's when you get to sit in your home in you pajamas and let us connect to your computer from our office. It's consent-based and performed through Crossloop. It's completely secure and you have the ability to disconnect our remote connection at any time. Of course, you must be able to get on the internet for this to work.

This Free hour of remote computer support that we are giving away could include troubleshooting that nagging problem with pop up's, general clean up, browser optimization, spyware scan and/or removal, nagging software installation, upgrading recommendations, removing dusty old software, advice or questions you may have on your mind about your computer, or simple training.

To enter this give away, simply send your name and email address to Heather@bobspcpro.com so that we can let the winner know that they've won the prize! The drawing will be held tomorrow (December 25, 2008) at noon (EST)!

Merry Christmas!

Handling Disappointment

2008-12-11T10:59:00.004-05:00

There are a variety of emotions that we go through depending on the situations that we face. Sometimes we end up on a roller coaster, sometimes up, followed by a sharp decline, followed by a sharp incline that leads into a corkscrew, around and around we go.

I'm really struggling with disappointment and the loss of control. We all have certain things we are happy with and really like. Perhaps it's a car, a house, a newly remodeled kitchen, or perhaps it's someone you really care about. How do you handle the reality when things are lost?

I was really proud of the way my husband could figure out impossible technology problems. It was a gift that God blessed him with and a passion for him. It made him excellent at what he did and allowed him to have a really amazing job. Between offshoring, downsizing and some sudden health complications, his job was taken away. So we decided to embark on a desire he has carried in his heart for as long as I've known him, our business.

Now a year and a half later, I look at where we are at financially, physically and spiritually. It's hard not to succumb to extreme disappointment. It's heart breaking to watch your husband laying there in pain and feel completely helpless. It's hard not to get angry and scream and jump up and down in a temper tantrum. This is so not how I ever imagined my life would be, for us as a couple or us as a family. It's hard to give up your dream. It's hard to face the reality that you physically can no longer do the things that you could once do. Sometimes I feel as if I am suffocating, that the breath is being squeezed out of me. How do you handle that reality?

Sometimes God's plan is way different than ours. In my humanness, I cannot understand why we are going through this or for what purpose. It's hard not knowing. In my mind, it would be so much easier to bear if I could just understand. It's hard to understand why God, who loves me so much, would continue allowing all these horrific things to happen. How do you handle that reality?

The reality is this. Life is so much more than we can fathom. The things that we go through, as believers in the Lord God Almighty, are not for nothing. These things are being lived out here and now for then, Heaven. We are being molded, shaped and formed into being more Christ-like. God's ways are higher than our ways and if it was for me to understand, He would let me in on the secret.

Can you imagine longing for a child for years and year and years until you, in the natural, could no longer have them. All that you are left with is the promise that God whispered in your heart. How do you handle that reality? Well, you continue to trust and believe that God will fulfill that promise. God is in His own time frame not ours. In His perfect time, when no other could claim the glory for a promise fulfilled, He gave Abraham and Sarah the child that He promised them. But then, He asked them to give the child up. How do you handle that reality? You be obedient to what God has called you to do.

God wants so desperately to know that your belief and trust is real. That you are not just trusting in Him so you can get what you want. He is not this sugar daddy in the sky showering down what we ask for so that life can be all rainbows and sunshine. His desire is at your heart. He personally knows disappointment. Look at mankind. He personally knows loss of control. Look at free will. He desires all of us to come to Him freely not because He makes you.

So in my disappointments, my struggles and my frustrations, I purposefully choose not to be offended at the One who gave me this life but instead to be obedient to what He has called me to do and be. I lay down those things that have let me down and I ask God to heal my broken heart and to restore my life as He wants it to be, not what I want. I long for His plan to be my plan. I continue to pray that He will turn things around and show His amazing grace, mercy and glory to all who can see. I look for the moment when no other can claim His glory for a promise fulfilled.

Psalm 34:18-19 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous face many troubles, but the Lord rescues them from each and every one.

Thankful hearts

2008-12-01T21:21:00.004-05:00

Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate the bounty of the harvest and to reflect on how blessed we are, to give our thanks and praise to God for His provision.

Ever year we go around our Thanksgiving table and tell three things we are grateful for. It usually ends up being quite an emotional time as we are open and honest about the things that are on our hearts. Of course, the kids add a bit of laughter to the mix as they are thankful for silly things. If truth be told, the silly things are just as important.

This year has been one of the roughest ones we had to endure, with losing our home, being in the financial state we are in, with Bob's health, living from one shut off notice to another. Many people have said that there wasn't much to be thankful for but in spite of all this agony, we are so grateful. We praise God for all that we have seen, for His hand of grace and blessing on us.

Today, I am so utterly thankful for....

my children who are healthy and so full of life

my husband who inspite of his unbearable pain refuses to quit living life

for the 'six month grace period' that allows us to live in our home

for the food that amazingly shows up at our door providing our 'daily' manna

for the short times our electricity, phone, cable modem get shut off and then turned back on

for the money that surprisingly shows up at just the right moment

for the mercy God shows us daily

for the grace of God that we live under

for family and friends who amaze us with their encouragement and support

for the unspeakable gifts God blesses us with

for the life that was given so that I can have a relationship with my Abba Father

I was thinking the other day that we've now off-loaded all the material things that hold us to this earth. Our focus has been directed towards what is really important and that is Christ, in Him alone. We've been awoken from our slumbering relationship with Him and found that He is the true source of everything. No longer are we lukewarm but alive in Him. He is the fire that burns within us. He holds the stars in the sky and the water in the sea. No longer are the words, you've just got to trust God, words without meaning but we know first hand what that means. For this understanding, I am so completely and utterly thankful. Our relationship with Christ is the one thing that truly matters. I am so thankful He chose me to be His.

Low Points

2008-11-24T15:45:00.002-05:00

Even in the midst of what we are going through, there have been some pretty low points. Some are more so than others. Today was one of them. We woke up to an average every day Monday, getting breakfast, scurrying about to find school books with some Diego thrown in there.

I got ready for the day to begin when all of the sudden, Grace was in a panic. She had seen the DTE Energy worker pulling up to the house. I ask you, who needs dogs when you have children who announce at the very minute, even before they are able to get out of their car, when there is a foreigner on our property? The lady informed us she was here to shut the electricity off. Sorry. But that's what she was here to do. No sympathy. No concern.

I realize that, that was her job and that a person in her position probably gets a little numb to the fact that people have their sob stories but considering the state of the economy, I guess I was hoping for just a bit of understanding. I realize their was nothing she could do but it's all in the attitude. She said to hurry up and call the main office to see if there was anything they were willing to do considering the fact that we had made a payment this past week but it wasn't enough. However, she didn't wait for five minutes for us to call, she just shut if off. So there went the phone. How are you suppose to make a phone call without electricity??

Thank goodness for cell phones which yes, we still have because we need them to do business. Of course, the answer to our call was that they wanted the past due amount and wouldn't turn it back on till it got paid. The kids were all upset. Aaron was crying telling everyone in the house that everything was broken. It just rips your heart out when you realize that what you are doing is just not sufficient.

I was on my way to take my Mom to a doctors appointment so I loaded everyone up in the car to take them with me. Have you sat in the car with five kids for an hour or so? The noise level can get a little overwhelming at times especially when you throw stress in mix. It is much warmer in the car, then the already declining temperature in the house. My poor husband had to bundle up as he needed to stay home and make phone calls.

Sometimes, I can't believe that I'm sharing all this personal stuff with you all but I want to share it because I want you to know that God follows through on his promises. He never promises that as Christians that things will be easy or that we will be exempt from hardships. It is so easy to begin wondering why God is allowing all of this stuff to be happening or to question His love when we suffer. I've been there. I've thought those thoughts but I've also learned many things this year through all of this. God never fails to provide.

Through God's provision, our electricity was only off for four hours and it is now restored. Thus, me being able to blog about it...lol. I've shed many a tear today some coming more like sobs because I do not like being in this situation which seems to be never ending. I am sure that you all probably get tired of hearing about the nonsense that is going on here but again, again and again, God keeps providing in ways that just blows my mind. His care that He has shown to us through so many wonderful people have just rendered me speechless...again. Sometimes there are just no words that seem appropriate.

His Love Is Amazing

2008-11-19T13:44:00.002-05:00

One of the things that has been impressed upon my heart lately is to share the stories of God's faithfulness. Through those real life stories, we are touched by the heart of God and our faith grows. When God moves in such a way that blows me away, it is hard to keep silent. I want to share how God worked through different situations not because I am trying to boast about it but to give Him the glory. He is on the move, my friends!

The thing that totally amazes me is how God is choosing to pour out His love on us. It is not in ways I would have ever imagined or expected. My husband has this friend who he has known for a long time but lost touch with until this past year. He found out about our situation here with our home going into foreclosure and some of our other struggles. Right away, he was on a mission to help us.

He has an amazing ability to find deals on Ebay and such. Yesterday, we get a call from him and his wife asking us to guess where he was. He quickly informed us that they had driven across the state to pick up this gigantic TV they were purchasing for us and that they were on their way to our home to drop it off. You about had to pick me up off the floor. We weren't expecting it or even thinking about a TV. It was somewhere on the 'in the distant future' list. However, he had seen our TV and had decided that was something he wanted to bless us with.

Not only did they do that but they also wanted to feed us a really big feast to just show us how appreciative they are for friends and for all the work my husband does on his computer. He also wanted to send us home with a smaller TV for the kids room and a Nintendo 64 for them to play games. The gifts that they have poured out on us just blows my mind because I know where they are financially. It was a huge reminder that no matter how much we have, God uses us to bless inspite of it. He uses unsuspecting people to show you His love in tangible ways.

In our list of needs, a TV was not at the top of the list but still, God puts things on peoples hearts to just shower his blessings. We wouldn't have ever purchased such a huge TV but God provided an opportunity to just show us that He cares. It's just like my love for Starbucks coffee. It's so not a need and I was even willing to go back to canned Folgers but God has provided fresh Starbucks beans over and over again so that I have only had to drink the other just a couple times. Why? Because He loves us that much. He cares for the little things. Our wants and desires are important to Him too. He fiercely loves us and finds ways to show us that love.

I so desire to be used by Him in that way. To be able to show whoever comes across my path, that God loves them so very much. I cannot say this enough. I've known since I gave my heart to Him that He has loved me but it has taken me until this past year to really understand what that means. When that understanding settles in your soul and it's just not a head knowledge kind of thing, no words can properly describe it.

Where Do You Get Your Refueling?

2008-11-17T14:36:00.006-05:00

As I reflect over the past year, there is one thing I know. God has been doing some housekeeping. I've come to realize that as a believer in Christ, He only allows us to stay in one spot for a time and then He moves us forward. He is a progressive God. I know that in my own relationships, if they are not moving forward, they become stale and unproductive. That is not God's desire for us. If I don't care for stale relationships, then why would I expect the One who created our need for them to be satisfied with that either.

As a Mom, wife, and business owner, the demands on me are quite grand in size. Sometimes I feel like I am on this hamster wheel that is spinning faster and faster. At some point, I would not totally be surprised to find myself flying through the air with the greatest of ease wondering at what point and where I'm going to land. I say all that to say, that in the past, I've found it difficult to make my time with God a priority. Everything else seemed to take the lead. Let's face it, when there are little people in our faces with their screaming demands, it's hard not to tend to them first. I am not saying that their needs aren't important but there is balance within that. Perhaps, their desire for a second or third cup of chocolate milk could potentially wait for 10 minutes.

I heard once that you cannot give what you do not have. And it is true. I've found myself snippy and unsympathetic and all around yell-y when I'm totally drained emotionally. God is the source of all that we have. He is the one we need to go to, to get that refueling. It's like our car, it will not go anywhere if there is no gas in it. I need my time with God to refuel me for the day so that what I require to tend to everybody's needs is there in order to do it. Chocolate does help from time to time and I have used that occasionally for a speed boost. It is definitely not a replacement because nothing can fill us like God can. However, I do consider chocolate a gift from God which is just another example of His creativity and desire to bless us.

One of the things that I've had to clean up on is being purposeful in making time for my relationship with God. Being purposeful in not allowing all of life's distractions to change my focus off of God and onto them has been challenging some days. You just never know what life is going to throw from one day to the next. I've found that it has taken some discipline to change some of the ways I've done things in the past. However, the results have been amazing.

As I seek God out, He is there waiting to meet with me. I've found that as I've been obedient in that, I have this craving to know more and more. I just can't get enough. And when I turn on the praise and worship music, my soul just longs to be in this place of closeness with the Lord. I am so thankful that my relationship with God has changed this past year and continues to grow. I encourage you to be purposeful in finding that time for God. He has amazing things he wants to reveal to us that can only come when we are connected with Him.

God Offers Us His Peace

2008-11-13T19:12:00.004-05:00

One of the things that I am trying to remember when life is throwing us a hurricane is that we have God's peace to rest in. It's very easy to have someone tell you to rest in Jesus but to put it into action is entirely a different thing especially when things are so uncertain. I am so use to running to my panic and fear for comfort which we know does not offer that. God says in John 14: Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

But how do we get this verse to play out in our lives. I've read that verse so many times but yet, I just couldn't seem to get that full realization to play out in my life. I've found the secret and I want to share it with you. You've got to seek Him, your Abba Father. As you seek Him, He promises to come meet with you. The secret is found in the presence of our Lord. The more time you give Him, the more He can come ALIVE in your life.

I have five kids and it is so hard to find time to just meet with God. It is also so hard to find the quietness that I need to actually hear what God is trying to show me. For years, I have used that as my reason for only spending small amounts of time reading and finding out who God really is. Sometimes we excuse it away with it's just this season in my life, maybe later I'll have time, or I'll do it tomorrow and so on.

It's unfortunate that we wait until something horrible happens before we pour out ourselves before God. At least, in those moments, many of us seek out our Lord who promises to care for our needs and you know what? He takes it. He takes those moments, no matter how small, with you and He is so excited that you have come to Him. He so desires you to get to know Him intimately. He longs for you to spend time with Him. He patiently waits for you.

All He wants to do is for you to seek Him. As you seek Him, He reveals His promises, His word and His blessings to you. What I have found is that the more I seek Him, the more He is able to pour out the things He promises. His comfort and peace and all the things He promises in His word are available to all who are His children but so much more is available to us as we get to know Him better.

Earlier this year, I was trying to feel His peace as the waves were threatening to crash down around us but yet, I couldn't seem to get the peace that God promises to settle in my soul. So I asked God, how can I fully grasp onto that and have it as you meant it to be. His answer was to continually seek Him. As He has lead me down this path, I have found a peace I have not known was possible. If you are in this place, I encourage you to jump in with both feet and find out just how much God will reveal to you in response to your openness and willingness to pour yourself into a deep relationship with Him.

His love is so amazing and it's directed towards us, His children. When you look at your children on Christmas morning with their eyes so shiny with the love they are experiencing through those special gifts that have so carefully be chosen by you, that same love, only to the ten millionth degree, is what God has for us. He doesn't desire us to be in agony or to be struggling. He does know that sometimes in order to get our attention and to wake us up from our slumbering sleep, it takes something that is scary and agonizing to do so, to recognize our need for Him. So He allows it to happen. His only desire is that we will fall so deeply in love with Him, so much so, that we give up our rights, our control and be willing to submit our will over to the ONE who has so much more for us. I realize this is so hard to do as I struggle with it all the time but it is amazing what happens when you do decide to submit yourself to Him.

I pray that even when we are through this storm, this valley, that I will never get complacent in my relationship with Him but that I will let this fire that has been lit in my soul, to never be silent. I pray that my love for my creator would be so captivating that each person that God puts in my path would catch the passion.

He is ALIVE

2008-11-08T10:26:00.009-05:00

Some of you may be wondering what is going on. I've had people, my friends, ask. I will tell you as I feel it's public knowledge now and God has removed the feeling to keep quiet.

Our house went into foreclosure yesterday, the sheriff sale was at 10:00. We have lost just about everything and I am praying our car is not next but it might be. The thing is this....God is faithful! I've had people tell me they are afraid to read my blog for fear that something else horrible has happened. Please don't feel that way! God...is...faithful!

He has shown us in so many ways, ways that are so unimaginable that he loves us. Ways that shout that He is taking care of us as He has promised to do! Even though, this situation seems desperate and scary, God has given us a measure of faith to live it. He has revealed so much to us that all I can do is praise Him, worship Him and give Him glory. I seriously wouldn't want to give up what good has come out of this!

I have been awoken from my slumbering sleep. I can no longer say that I do not know of God's love, for He has given me the opportunity to know Him intimately. James 4:8 says, Draw close to God and God will draw close to you. I've read that many times before but have a new understanding of it! When we seek the Lord, He seeks us! He reveals things that He has intended for you that you haven't been able to receive because you weren't ready yet. I'm not talking about material things. I am talking about the joy unspeakable, the uncontainable love that only being close to the Lord God Almighty can reveal.

I encourage you to seek His face, dig in, saturate yourself with His word! His word is ALIVE! It is powerful and it reveals who God is! If you want to know Him, you've got to pursue Him. He is standing there waiting for you to come unto Him! He wants to bless you, pour out His glory on you, and to reveal the unimaginable.

A couple of my friends think I've lost my mind, but I am praising God for yesterday. Just as it is with God, He is not bound by a piece of paper that has foreclosure written all over it or by what man says. He is the Creator of you and me, He is the one who owns the depths of the earth and the mightiest mountains. He is not bound by the things of this earth....He is the Lord God Almighty!

I do not know what God has in store for us but I do know that He has promised to take care of it! I know that he cares deeply about the pain that we are going through and that He is going to return the years taken by the locust. I know that He turns things out for our good and His glory and that He never leaves you in the desert. If I believe, which I do, that God has ordained my life and my steps, then nothing takes Him by surprise and I have to trust Him.

I do not like to be in agony and to be wondering why but God knows why and He promises to care for us. I surrender all that I am, I was and ever will be to Him. I feel Him on the move and I cannot wait until He reveals His plan to us. I know that we have been faithful to Him and He will honor that so I can honestly look forward to His care and provision.

His word to me today is this: Acts 18:9, Don't be afraid! Speak Out! Don't be silent! For I am with you, and no one will harm you because many people here in this city belong to me! I believe God is stirring up a fire in His children. We must not be silent! I will not be silent. I will continue to give a joyous shout about God's faithfulness, His love, all the things He lays on my heart. His word is full of His beauty, He is ALIVE and as my husband says, He is not a tame lion!

A Visitor

2008-11-07T18:00:00.000-05:00

Those of you who know me, know that I have a huge bug aversion. I just don't do well with those creepy things. I realize that God has a reason for them and they can be a benefit to our environment BUT should they get into my house, all rules are irrelevant. My shoe is now greeting them intimately with all the love I can muster up unless of course, I can get a kid to save me and then it's their shoe.

Yesterday was a beautiful warm Fall day. The kids and I were outside enjoying it when I heard squealing along with Mom, come quick! You got to see this! I walked over to them without realizing what I was walking up to. What I found just resting so relaxed on our slide was this HUGE Praying Mantis. I've not seen one that big before. It totally creeped me out! I had the goosebumps the size of Texas and the sense of urgency to R-U-N.

I was instructed to get the camera which I did since it was a great excuse for me to get the heck out of there. As I was taking a few shots from different angles because the kids were just not satisfied with a photo from far distances, I noticed that creepy bug was staring at me. What was up with that? I, then, realized him and I were having a stare-down. Have you ever done that before? Well....Mr. P.M. won, he moved and I jumped, letting my eye's drop from his. I wasn't taking any chances of him jumping on me because I think that I would have lost consciousness.

Now we move forward to today....another wonderful warm Fall day. The kids were headed out into the backyard to blow bubbles and play in the sandbox when I heard the familiar squeals before they even got outside. I went to check out all the excitement and found myself walking, once again, into my strict no bug rule boundary line being tossed to the wind. There hanging onto the brick of the back of my house was that Praying Mantis who refuses to evict himself from my backyard. Only this time, he decided to tantalize me by hanging out just outside the door so no one could go outside without him flinging himself inside.

I looked at that irritatingly huge bug and realized that he was again looking right at me. What is it with this bug? Was there a notice sent out to the local bug population that I was their supreme target? Seriously, I'm not amused. I even walked away and came back and there he was...staring at me. I wonder what he was thinking? If it was me, I'd tell myself that this backyard was NOT where I wanted to be considering the crazy kids that run around and could unknowingly squish me and then there is that bug hating Mother who lives in that house and is NOT afraid to use the can of bug extinguishing spray.....all of it, if need be...on one bug.

The kids caught it and removed it from my sight. Of course, not without bringing it into the house to show me. I yelled...'you know, Christmas is coming and it is NOT in your best interest to creep me out with that bug' but I don't think anyone heard me. All I got was laughter. That bug better not show up tomorrow....I heard there is a chance for snow. Muhahaha! We'll just see how he handles that because I am NOT inviting him in and making him hot cocoa.

A Birthday Celebration

2008-11-06T21:12:00.007-05:00

We recently celebrated number four's fifth birthday! We went to Yate's Cider Mill for some yummy donuts and apple cider which seems to becoming a tradition. How else would you celebrate a Fall birthday?!

It is amazing to me how God has created each individual child. As I look at all five of mine, I am blown away at God's creativity. Have you ever just sat in amazement at how your children's mind's each work uniquely and how they grow and develop. Each one is so different, created with different personalities and sensitivities, created to love, dream and grow into what God has in mind. It's like a mystery unfolded before your eye's as God reveals each one.

I am so thankful for my five year old. He is such a blessing to those around him, touching them with the compassion he has in his heart. He is quick to apologize and quick to forgive. He tells me how much he loves me sixty times a day. He is all boy and loves to make boy noises that I swear the neighbor's can hear down the street. He is a thinker and comes up with interesting discussions. For example, did you know that putting your nose on the door hurts your nose and that spankings aren't on the top ten list either. So he informed me that he had been thinking about that and was wondering if I would consider putting his fanny on the couch or making him go to his bed for just a little while but not too long?? Like I said....interesting.

He, at four, used words like hideous and unfortunate, hysterical and ridiculous. One of my personal favorites was when he asked for a cup of kool-aid that would be an excellent choice for his 'refreshment'. Where does he come up with this stuff?? Now, I do realize that I am his mother and I may be a bit partial. However, I do think he is an amazing gift that God has blessed me with and I don't ever want to take him for granted....along with any of my other children.

I look forward to what this new year will bring him, all the learning and new words he'll lay on us. I can't wait for the discussions to continue. He tickles me so.

Happy Birthday, Aaron!

He is an 'On-Time' God

2008-11-03T14:58:00.005-05:00

We had an amazing God moment this week. It still bring tears to my eyes when I think of it. God's been really laying it on our hearts to live our lives as servants of Christ. What this means in every day life is to look for opportunities to give of ourselves. One of my favorite quotes is this: Preach the gospel at all times, use words when necessary. Our actions must speak the word of God.

One of the areas that I've been praying about is our neighborhood. There are many elderly folks that live here and some that are not but the common thread seems to be that they all keep to themselves....except for one couple. We've only spoken to this couple a few times and it's usually in passing, nothing ever too deep. However, we always see them outside either raking someone's yard, shoveling driveways or giving away vegetables from their garden. They are always giving.

My husband wanted to let them know how much we appreciated their example and the things they do to make our neighborhood a community. So he took a jar of our freezer jam and a little note stating our gratitude over to them. It opened up an opportunity to share with them all that God has been doing so faithfully in our lives especially over the past year along with some things that we are currently struggling with.

Later that night, they popped over with an amazing amount of groceries that filled our cupboards to overflowing. The thing that blew me away was the fact that they had no idea where we were at in that department and yet the word she left me with was that God was an 'on-time' God. How amazing is that? God keeps providing for our needs in ways that keep rendering me speechless. There just aren't words to describe His faithfulness and His provision. I just keep praising Him for these moments and try to share them with others as it is faith building to those who hear it.

Then a couple days later, a letter arrived on our door from that same couple with scripture after scripture of God's faithfulness. It was amazing. Not only did they fill our cupboards but they filled our hearts with encouragement and hope from the only one who can fill that need...our Almighty God, our Abba Father.

If you ever thought to yourself, I wish God did those things now. I am here to tell you...He does!!! We have experienced it over and over and over again. We have so many stories of ways that God has provided for our needs. He is a miracle working God. He is always on time and never too late. He does what he promises. Our only responsibility is to trust him and seek His face. He delights in us and we are his children.

A Trip To The Fire Station

2008-10-29T09:32:00.012-04:00

Yesterday was field trip day here at our house. A field trip was planned to visit a fire station and away we went.

Brad, our 13 year old, wasn't really interested in this trip as he swore they just talk for a bit and then you get to watch Teletubbies. I just shook my head and told him that this was our school for today but if he wanted to stay home and work on his school work, he could. He chose to go. Now that I am thinking about it, I remember a few years back (maybe 6 or 7 years ago) when we went to a fire station open house, I think I do remember that being played on their TV in the living quarters so now it all makes sense.

I realize that as he gets older, the less that he is going to be interested in but he helps me with crowd control so I hope he will willingly go with us. Besides, he is just an all around great kid who I enjoy spending time with. I was glad he was there with us yesterday not just because I love to hear him laugh but because Aaron attempted one of his disappearing Houdini tricks and Brad was there to save the day.

The Fire chief and his men did a great job showing the kids the fire trucks, the jaws of life, all the gadgets, levers and hoses on the trucks. They couldn't show us the living quarters as it was under renovation but the guys did go upstairs so they could show the kids how they come downstairs when they get a call. The men sliding down the fire pole was priceless.

One of the guys put on his gear including the oxygen tank and mask to show the kids what they look like when they are in their suit. It can look scary to a youngster so I was glad they showed them that. One of the things that tickled me so was that they were giving the kids fire safety tips and one of the things they told them was to never hide but to go over to a window and make as much noise as they can. Then they had them practice. Here was their opportunity to scream, jump, and make all kinds of crazy noises but do you think they did? No, nope, no way! It was hilarious. They gave them a second chance and that attempt was a little better. I know my kids alone could have hit a much higher noise level. I've seen it and heard it! I know it's there. I guess they were saving it for me for later in the day. I'm glad they were thinking of me and just wanted to give me something special later. I am loved.

After the tour was over, they passed out plastic fire hats and coloring books to all the kids. All I can say is that I am glad there was a place to write their names on it as they are scattered all across the house.

Boys...will I ever understand them?

2008-10-24T09:59:00.006-04:00

I was sitting at Mom's Night Out last night with some great friends and what do you think we were talking about? Our kids, of course! We were comparing the differences between girls and boys.

I just had to share one of my many stories that I have of being the mother of Aaron, Ryan and Brad.

One precious afternoon, Aaron who was then three, decided to go out in the backyard to play. This always makes me breathe a sigh of relief as the noise level goes down so much when even just one child decides to take his/her liveliness outside. All of the sudden, I realized how very quiet it was. I went outside to check on what was going on.

Upon not finding this cute little guy in the backyard, I entered the garage to see if he was in there. What do you think I found? I found this little brown boy sitting in there playing with a can of varnish. Now I ask you and it still remains a mystery....just how exactly did he get the lid off?

Fortunately, I found him and the mess before it dried on completely and was able to wash him back to whiteness but he never would tell me what his secret was. He did have a distinct smell about him for a few days though.

So now we move to this morning.....

Aaron who is now four, almost five, came running up to me crying that his nose hurt. I was trying to figure out what was going on because he was jumping up and down crying and carrying on about something I couldn't understand. Then it hit me what he was saying. He stuck a white, little, round lego up his nose. Why, why why...did you do this, I asked him? Of course, all I got was a shrug of his shoulders along with a I don't know.

My husband swooped into the living room with his super cape with just the right tool to remove the object....needle-nose pliers. Do you think that is why they call them that? Perhaps, the inventor was a boy and knew that he was going to need such a tool to remove an object from the nose of one of his boys? I wonder....hmmmm. I also wonder if perhaps I should be giving tools like this as baby gifts to all new mothers. Apparently, they are a necessity right up there with the poison control number. Ooooh, maybe I should put a magnetic strip on the back of these pliers and keep them on the fridge right next to it.

Life...It's Priceless

2008-10-16T20:47:00.004-04:00

I saw this video on another blog and it touched me so. Life is so precious. It is amazing to me how God took this little one and gave him his own testimony to touch so many. It's worth watching.

Where's Your Dependence Lay?

2008-10-15T19:28:00.002-04:00

One thing that God has been bringing me back to over the last few weeks is this. What do you put your dependence in?

As a christian and a citizen of this country, whether I intended to or if it just happened without me realizing it, I have found that I assume and have placed dependence on a couple of things:

I assume the American dollar is going to be worth something.

I assume gas will be readily available at a moment's notice.

I assume I will have a car to drive.

I assume that I will have a house to live in.

I assume the stock market and the American economy will succeed.

I assume that my kids will grow up and have families of their own.

I assume that those that I love will be healthy.

I assume there will be food to purchase.

I assume that coffee and chocolate will always be within my reach.

I assume that I will be able to worship the Lord freely.

I assume my freedom will always be mine.

All of these things are not wrong to assume will be but we have to have balance. We have to be careful that we don't put our dependence in things, in people or in our government. God is the sole source of everything we have, everything that we own and everything that we are. He desires to be all that we put our dependence in.

He is never changing. He is always with us. He is never ending. He is GOD, the Almighty. He is the creator of everything that we see, touch, smell and breathe. He is the one who blesses and keeps order. He keeps everything together including the atmosphere. He is our provider, our healer, our conqueror, the One who we need to invest in. He never fails and all of this that He created is for His glory.

Instead of concentrating on all the things of this world, we need to seek His face. We need to pursue God and know Him intimately. Our pastor recently quoted Charles Spurgeon as saying that He believes that a very large majority of church goers are merely unthinking, slumbering worshipers of an unknown God. This quote brought me to tears.

If it had not been for the things that happen in this life that are hard, agonizing and faith stretching, I fear that I might have been one of those church goers that he speaks of. I've been a believer for a long time so I asked myself, did I really 'know' God? I knew things of Him, I knew facts about Him but did I really 'know' Him. In order to know someone, you've got to spend time with them, you have communicate with them and you've got to pursue them.

He has so much He wants to share with us, so much that He wants to reveal to us and He has gifts He wants to bless us with. If only we would seek Him out.

Do you feel God whispering across your soul to come to Him? Do you feel Him calling you? I urge you to seek him out. He wants you to 'know' Him. He wants you to discover the mysterious wonders that He will reveal to you as you draw close to Him. He wants your sole dependence on Him and Him alone.

Can you imagine if we all would surrender all that we have and we are to Him, what that could do for each of us and this country?!! Wow!

II Chronicles 7:14: If my people, who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

A Rascally Rabbit

2008-10-12T16:27:00.003-04:00

As I was busy getting coffee made and trying to see my way around the kitchen to get breakfast started yesterday, Ryan mentioned that his stomach hurt. In my most sympathetic tone, I told him that I was sorry that it hurt, rustled his hair and told him I loved him.

When the first round of pancakes was finished and ready to be eaten, Ryan came running into the kitchen yelling...me first...me first! I looked him in the eye and said, "I thought you said your stomach hurt. Are you sure you want to eat?" Of course, I was just giving him a hard time because I was thinking it hurt because he needed to eat.

He responded to me with this...."Mom, a man's got to eat, you know!" With a shake of my head, my thought was yep, that's my little man. (oops...there I go again calling him little. He hates that...sorry, Ryan!)

Tough Days

2008-10-10T14:00:00.004-04:00

Last night I sat down to write some of my thoughts with things happening such as they are this week. I ended up not posting it. After reading it today, it sounds downright depressing which is NOT what I want my wonderful readers to hear when I write something. I hope that even when I write a post on something that is on my heart, that you will come away with hope or laughter. I know not everything is funny these days but we do have humorous stuff happen even in the midst of our storms. We need those moments to get us through...that and a Costco size bag of chocolate.

Earlier this year, around Valentines Day, our local 7-11 had this HUGE bar of Hershey's chocolate. My mind, as of late, has longed to own that bar! I think if I did, perhaps everything would be right with the world or at least for the time I was devouring it. Yes, yes....it would only satisfy my flesh but boy, would it taste good! I think I just lost control of my mind as it went to chocolate land. Anyway, we had a very tough day yesterday. I was finding it difficult to keep on my path to trust and have faith and not let the doubts toss me here and there. Why is it, that I know in my mind what I must do but when a Hurricane size wave hits, I can't seem to hold on very well.

Times like those make me feel like quite the hypocrite. I talk about holding on even if you only can with a fingertip and a day hits like yesterday and I'm a mess. I am so thankful that God is intimately familiar with the emotions of a woman! I do believe His mercy covers that! He knew before I was born what I would be like, the emotions I would feel and the decisions I would make. Interestingly enough, God decided that I would still be born. That fact simply amazes me!

I was reading James 1:2-7, it talks about finding joy in our trials and that these trials are producing endurance and the endurance produces character and great faith. It was encouraging to know that something good is going to come out of all this if I can keep my focus on Him, continue trusting and pressing on. He has a plan for this and even if I don't understand it now, it will be revealed later perhaps in eternity. Of course, my curiosity wants to know now but I realize that there are times when I have to be ok with not knowing.

It is apparent we are not through this valley yet much to my disappointment. So we continue on believing, trusting and praising God in all things as His ways are perfect.

Knowing Him...

2008-10-06T19:43:00.004-04:00

I've been a Christian for a long, long time. I was taught to read God's word, to memorize it, to live by it. When you surrender your will over to God by accepting His gift to you, you begin a journey. A journey like no other. It's not an easy journey by any means and it's filled sometimes with agony as our Creator shapes us into what we were created to be. We must be refined and all that ties us to this world must be reshaped into what we will become for eternity. But also within that, we are given a peace and a joy like no other to celebrate the life we have been blessed with.

We've been tested and we've had our share of tribulation. As each crisis has happened, I've had this little niggling in the back of my mind saying to me that I must have done something to deserve punishment. Ever hear someone say to you that you made your bed, now you get to lie in it? That is the absolute opposite of what Christ wants you to think on. He is not a God of condemnation. Yes, there are consequences to our actions but if you honestly seek to live your life to please God, those consequences are only for a time so that we learn from them and then we are covered in the blood....God's mercy.

I've had such a hard time understanding that I come before God clean and without sin because of His blood. In my mind, I still need to live up to that gift and do things that make me deserving of it. It is so hard to accept this gift as it was given...free and without strings attached. It is so draining trying to work my way into God's heart. I can imagine him shaking his head in disbelief at how hard I am making this. It's a simple gift but I turn it into this complicated matter.

We have been going through what feels like a never ending testing that I fondly call our training season. I've had so many questions that I've pounded the gates of heaven with. Why God? If you would just do this, then we would be able to do this. But then I realized, that if God did change things like I wanted Him to, I would probably go back to my 'old' ways. I would also be placed in a position to take things into my own hands which HE has clearly shown us He doesn't want. He wants our sole dependence on Him which I might add is a very difficult place to be.

Surrendering your will to God is one of the hardest things to do. He has us in this place where I've had to do that in order to survive. If I try to work it myself, everything becomes increasingly suffocating and more than I can handle. So he's teaching me to trust Him fully for not just surface things but what's deep within my heart...my dreams and desires.

One of the dearest things that I've experienced throughout this past year is getting to know who God is with a new understanding. What I thought He was previously is not what He has revealed to me recently. I'm am so glad to be able to 'know' him more intimately and I just cannot get enough of this new understanding. I honestly can say that excitement wells up inside of me when I think of meeting Him face to face instead of the fear I felt for so many years. I can't wait to dance before my Lord and to hug him and to praise Him free of what chains me to this earth....experiencing true freedom in Christ.

A Very Special Gift

2008-10-04T22:01:00.003-04:00

Birthdays are a grand celebration in my mind. It notes the importance of a person's life and how it intertwines with those who touch it. When we were growing up, we always celebrated birthdays with relatives and many times with a dear old friend named Chuck E. Cheese. Back then, it was quite something to have your birthday with that enormous mouse since we had to drive quite a distance to do so. I have many fond memories of those times.

Now, as a mother, it is such an important day to celebrate each of my children's birthdays. Each one, a remembrance of the beginning of life and how much they've grown and changed year after year.

We have a few traditions that we do for birthdays like picking out what you would like for Mom to cook for your birthday dinner, breakfast with Dad and let's not forget the cake and presents.

Grace has a flair and a exuberance for life which includes everything in it. Why would her birthday be anything less?

This year has us in a situation that hasn't allowed for much extra. Unfortunately, birthday's fall under that category. So I fretted. I knew Grace's birthday was coming and I knew that all her expectations of the day were not going to be met. I also knew that she was disappointed with our circumstances and had been having a hard time with it. I had nothing to offer her but I knew that God could give her something that we could not so I began to pray....

I didn't know what to expect. We've seen so many blessings in the past few month that have rendered me speechless that I was excited to see what God would reveal to her on her special day.

Her birthday arrived. I had arranged for her to spend some time with one of her Grandma's who took her (and I, the chauffeur) out for dinner and a special treat from Coldstone Creamery. She was thrilled and of course, Grandma had a present for her which was perfect...money to buy a Webkinz. When we arrived home, her other Grandmother had dropped off a present for her to open which sent her heart to soaring.

She had a really good day despite my not being able to offer her anything but our love. Throughout the day, it occurred to me that God had indeed answered my prayer and had given her something very special....something, that no one else could have even come close to giving her. Something that can only come from a Father who passionately loves his children....

JOY!

God promises that He will bless us but sometimes it's not what we are expecting and if we don't have eyes to see and ears to hear, we can miss it. I did not miss the blessing of His gift nor did she. We felt it flowing out of her from the time Grace's feet hit the floor after waking up until she laid her head down on her pillow that night. It touched our home, it filled her very being and it was shared with those who love her here in this home. It was there for her to enjoy and to delight in. I wish I could have recorded her throughout the day. It was amazing to see her in action. She sparkled with the joy of the Lord.

God had truly given her a joy, that only comes from within. I know kids are excited on their birthday but this was different. Sometimes when God blesses us with something, no one can fully understand the meaning behind it because it was only meant for that particular person. This was one of those times and we are so grateful that God revealed himself in that way, in that day.

I could not have planned a better celebration with my human hands if I could have tried. God is so amazing and His love for us is so encompassing. His love for our daughter, again, renders me speechless.

Broken But Not Defeated...

2008-09-24T10:15:00.003-04:00

We've come to this place of brokenness; not broken in spirit but broken of the things that disconnect us with our heavenly Father. We've nothing left but to allow Christ to work through our weakness. We stand, in our liquid state, before the Lord God Almighty and ask Him to mold us into something that would glorify His name and His name only.

I want to talk about this brokenness. Some might not understand it as in our human minds, it is so difficult to understand why the trials of life keep beating us down. You may say that perhaps God is punishing you for something you did or you may think that Satan is attacking you. This was my line of thinking for much of my life but through our struggles as of recently, I've come to a new understanding.

First, as a Christian, my sins have been forgiven; past, present and future. Yes, there are consequences for any of our actions whether they be good or bad. God allows things to happen so that we learn from them but then he wipes it clean just because He loves you and wishes for you to prosper and no harm to come to you. His ultimate desire is for your life to model Christ. He uses the things of this world to mold you into what He created you to be. God is not there to take you out on the mistakes you make. He is a Just and Holy God but He is also full of Love which He desires to pour out on each of His children. It is important that we understand this balance.

Secondly, I believe that Satan does attack us and that we need to have our armor in place to be able to fight those attacks but I also know that God talks of the trials and tribulations that we will have simply because we live in a sinful world. We need to be determined as followers of Christ, to be faithful to the very end. God desires this from us. I know that in the midst of our circumstances which seem to keep piling on top of more distress, that at first, I was struggling with the fact that maybe God didn't love me.

Why on earth would I ever think that? His word talks about how much God loves me and wants to bless me which is contrary to what my mind is telling me. Well, Satan doesn't want for you to feel God's love and he uses little whispers of doubt in your ear and you, in your weakened state, begin to believe them. It is so hard to fight the doubts and you become so very weary of fighting to survive.

I want to encourage you to 'stand' firm and be purposeful and determined that you are going to press on. That you are going to fight the doubts and to counteract those thoughts with God's promises. I want to encourage to saturate yourself in God's word...even if you don't feel like it. There is all that you need to make it through whatever struggle you are going through in his Word. He offers hope, strength, wisdom and comfort in there.

I've seen so many believers turn their backs on the only one who can help them. Believe me, I know what it's like to feel God's silence or to be so broken that there seems to be no hope, I'm there right now but the difference is this. I have chosen to stand firm in my faith, trust and belief in my Heavenly Father. I know, that I know, that I know what God says is true. I also know that I must have moments of brokenness to be able to be used by God more effectively. He has a plan for you but you need to allow God to bring you to a place where He can get rid of all the stuff that is holding you back from Him being able to properly use you according to His plan, not our plan. You must be willing to go through that even if it be painful. Believe me, my flesh is screaming in agony but I know that in the end, it will be for God's glory and my good.

In my pain, my thoughts go to to Christ, the one who bore each of our sins not a sin but all sin. Can you imagine our Lord carrying each of our sins on his shoulders? If you think for one minute that the cross was hard to carry to it's place of residence from someone who was beaten and broken, can you imagine the agony of carrying that load of sin along with it? My heart breaks at that thought. I know how burdensome it is to live with my guilt and shame but to think Christ took all of it, yours, mine and everyones from that moment until eternity, on himself so that we might have eternal life and a relationship with God, overwhelms me.

That puts it in perspective for me and I am thankful for this life with all of it's agonies and broken moments. I pray in the end, my life with be glorifying to God and that the gift He gave to me because He loves me will not have been for nothing....

A Time Of Testing

2008-09-16T09:38:00.003-04:00

Have you ever wondered why when things seem to be at their worst, something else happens to sink you lower in the muck? I haven't a clue as to how to answer that except that I know that God gives us the strength to endure the day and everything in it. I also know when you think you just can't breathe anymore, He sends His people to hold you up. We've experienced it firsthand this week. But the key thing He wants you to do is to....remain faithful in every situation. He wants to know that you are real, that you say what you do and do what you say. Are you authentic?

So we have this leak in our roof that shouldn't be there because we just replaced it a little over two years ago. But it's there and it's made quite a mess. Our insurance company called to talk about the claim and to get more information about the damage. Upon speaking with her, she informed me that I needed to get the water dried up immediately because within three days mold sets in. I explained to her that I didn't know exactly how to do that since the pantry cupboard is not movable and the dishwasher is attached and that we just don't have the equipment to do water extraction. She informed me that I would need to figure that out and take care of it. Sigh.

She also asked me what the contractor said about the roof. I am not a roofing expert and I don't understand all the terminology that he was informing me of. But I made the mistake of saying that I thought the flashing (whatever that is) was installed incorrectly. I did say that she needed to get the report from the contractor to get is formal diagnosis. However, all she picked up on was that the roofing company made a mistake and the insurance company wasn't going to pay for that. I needed to go after the roofing company. All the sudden, I had a moment of panic. This is exactly the route, the insurance company started taking last time and here we are again. It's frustrating when companies right away want to start pointing fingers and refusing to pay for things that you thought were going to be covered while you are standing in the middle of a complete mess. I cannot even express how frustrating that is.

We quickly called the contractors who we happen to be familiar with since we dealt with them before when we had our flood and he was happy to announce that they did indeed do water extraction. So he was sending someone out on Monday to do an assessment.

Yesterday, the contractor came out and looked things over briefly. However, it is there policy to collect the deductible before they proceed. My husband informed them we just didn't have it to give him. So the contractor informed him that he couldn't help him until we were able to pay that and then he left.

At this point, I felt discouragement and frustration threatening to overtake me. Sometimes we just don't understand the trials of life. They don't make sense. I wonder why when God clearly knows my financial state, does He allow mess after mess to pile on top of each other till I feel as though I can't breathe. But then, ever so softly I am reminded of what we prayed Saturday night, that this house belongs to God and we gave it to Him to take care of. So if I am placing this mess at His feet, I need to quit worrying and stressing over it. God promises remain true and I need to continue believing and trusting. God has the ultimate say in everything....even with the insurance company. So I continue to seek God and pray for wisdom as we make decisions and move forward.

Many times throughout our lives, we are tested. We are tested by fire. That fire is life's trials and tribulations. We all have them. What do we do in these trials? We have two choices. You either cling to God with everything you have even if it only be a fingertip or you give up the fight and refuse to allow God to work in His time, in His perfect way by shutting Him out of your heart. I am determined to hold on and let Him mold me into what He created me to be, however painful it may be. The glorious treasure of knowing God more intimately that is there waiting at the end of the suffering is what keeps me going day after day.

As My World Spins

2008-09-14T14:56:00.003-04:00

As life is spinning from one day to the next around here, I've been praying a hedge of thorns around our home and around us. I feel like if one more thing should give, I'm going to lose the grip I have and will be swept up in the tropical storm of life. But amazingly, God knows just how weak we are and fuels us with the strength we need for today.

Last night, as we were getting things ready for bed like tucking the kids in, hugs, kisses, drinks, cleaning up the dishes and such, Brad noticed a huge puddle in our kitchen. I quickly assumed it was the dishwasher and was a bit dismayed that perhaps something could have come loose. My husband is amazingly smart and can figure things out in most areas but home repair is one of those areas where it's just best to call 1-800-help.

We continued on with the evening once the puddle was cleaned up. Around 11:15 p.m. I noticed that water was still coming from underneath the dishwasher/cupboard. As I was on the floor, wiping up the water and trying to figure out where the water was coming from, I hear this from my husband...ah, dear, it's not coming from the dishwasher, look at the ceiling. As I looked upward instead of downward, I noticed the ceiling bowing with the weight of water along with water seeping through running behind the cupboard and so on. The word, nice, ran through my mind. What else is there to say?

As I quickly ran through all that has been going on lately, all I could do was laugh. I know this may sound ridiculous but seriously, when it rains...it pours! And sometimes things are so out of control, if you don't laugh, you will lose it. I choose laughter. I kept thinking about the fiasco we went through just a couple years ago with the flooding of our home from a frozen pipe and prayed right then and there. Our home belongs to God and so does everything we have and I just had to place everything at the feet of Christ and let Him work it all out.

So at 1 a.m., we had two contractors on our roof trying to find out what the problem was and fix it so the rain would not continue to damage the kitchen ceiling. They found a hole in the roof where the flashing was not in place properly and fixed it right up. Now, we wait for the internal things to be repaired.

In the midst of all of this, God sent several of his children to minister to us when they had no idea what was going on making me again, speechless.

I'm Speechless...

2008-09-12T21:32:00.004-04:00

I just have to share this with you. God is such an amazing God. A couple things have happened recently that have just blown me away.

As I was making dinner the other day, I started fussing about not having vegetables in quite awhile. So I prayed that God would provide. The very next day, we were blessed with a couple bags of canned goods. One of the bags was 99 percent vegetables. Now God knows how much canned mixed vegetables are not my favorite but inside the bag were like 10 or so cans of them, also included was another favorite of mine....green beans. Bob pointed this out and boy, did we laugh. To me, God was reminding me how important laughter is in any circumstances. It blows the clouds away for a time. It reminded me of my potato story. So as I open can after can of mixed vegetables or green beans, I lift up my sincere thanks and appreciation for them because God cares that much about every aspect of our lives. However, maybe I'll be more specific next time when I ask for something.

Today, I was sharing this story with a friend. Later that day, she showed up with beautiful fresh vegetables which included everything that I love. You know, when you haven't had something in a long time, it makes it taste so much better than you remembered. It also included the love that it was brought with which made it all the more special. God is so good and so are great friends.

The other thing that happened was that earlier this evening, I noticed we were on our very last roll of toilet paper. This is never good, in my book. I also noticed that milk was running low. In this family, this is a common thing. I am on the first name basis with the 7-eleven guy where we frequently run in for milk. I heard a tap on my door just a few minutes ago. What do you suppose was there? A gallon of milk and a package of toilet paper.

All I can say is: I'm speechless at God's care and concern for my every need. Blessed be His name!

From the heart

2008-09-12T14:23:00.004-04:00

As I was taking a shower yesterday, I felt God laying the need to encourage others on my heart. God seems to lay many things on me while I'm in the shower. It's hard to fathom that your bathroom could be considered 'holy ground'. I think that I hear God more there than at any other time, perhaps, because it's relatively quiet there outside of the children banging on the door trying to ask me questions that I simply cannot hear and find myself yelling at the top of my lungs in answer to their attempted questions. Even in all of that, I am able to hear that quiet whisper fluttering across my heart.

I am noticing that is how God is. He comes to us quietly and simply but the words we hear are bold, strong and compassionate. I've been praying that I would have eyes to see and ears to hear and I believe that God is answering that prayer. If I wouldn't have had this very thing, I would have missed so much of what He has been trying to teach me and show me.

I have seen God's hand at work in my own life lately that it brings me to tears. There have been a few days when all I've wanted to do was to curl up in a ball and then I will have a friend call with the compassion of Christ that gives me the strength and courage to go the next step. That is God's love for us. He loves us so much. I know you can say, yeah, yeah, God loves me but it goes so much deeper than that.

For a long time, my fear of God dominated God's love. I just didn't understand it and was waiting for God to knock me down the minute I made a mistake but that is not how God is. That was my 'religion' doing that not God. You can't tell someone about God's love if you haven't an understanding of it. It's like saying you are a believer but never putting that into action. People look at believers and if they see your faith in action, can see the hand of God.

It's so important for us brothers and sisters in Christ to help those along the way that are in need. One of the saddest events that breaks my heart is to hear of a believer that has given up the fight. I was reading the book of Job one day and I felt God asking me a question. That question was this. "If everything was striped from me, my car, my home, my finances, whatever was important to me....would I still love Him?" Of course my initial response was..yes! But then I had to stop and consider that. It is agonizing to lose the things that we think important and our thoughts are suddenly flooded with the idea that God doesn't love us anymore. How wrong that is! God wants us to place him first and to know that no matter what situation we are in, that we will still honor and praise Him and remain faithful to Him.

I've really been challenged lately to be looking for ways I can show my 'love walk.' I haven't much but God has given me the gift of encouragement and I am trying to be faithful with that. God can turn it into something amazing if only we are obedient to what He has called us to do. I pray that my life will point to Christ and His faithfulness, that through my testimony, God will be glorified and that I will continue to gain an understanding of His compassion through which I pray to be a vessel for that love to reach the lost.