Happy 14

We recently celebrated our first child's birthday. He's fourteen now. So much growing he has done in the past year. It's amazing how many changes a teenager goes through emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually in just a short period of time. No wonder they have moments of turmoil.

Brad is a brilliant, sensitive, and compassionate young man. At fourteen, he's making firm decisions for himself, is processing life with a more mature attitude and is such an encouragement to his family as we struggle through this journey we are on currently. We also have the honor of seeing the gentle side of his nature, of seeing him work out his own relationship with God and to make goals for himself for his future.

One of the neatest aspects of our family unit is that even though our children have moments they scrap with each other, the relationships they have with each other goes beyond friendship. Brad's siblings really look up to him and respect him for who he is. They enjoy wrestling with him, sitting on his lap, following him around till he can no longer stand it. Brad is their go-to guy.

We are so very proud of him, of who he has become and look forward to watching the rest unfold as he grows and changes.

We celebrated this very special occasion with the cake of his choice, an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen. He had lunch with Grandma and requested hamburgers for dinner which he grilled himself. He did a fabulous job and is in high demand from heretofore to be our grilling man.

Happy Birthday, Brad!

Despairing...

This has been a pretty tough week. I just laughed as I wrote that because every week seems to be tough. How do you determine which is tougher or rougher than the other? Each has been unique in it's adventures that we've journeyed. This one though, has been tough emotionally.

I've been able to maintain a pretty good outlook other than a few days here or there. However, this week I've been really battling despair. I'm sure it doesn't help that I've also been battling a nasty cold. When you are ill, you become pretty intolerant of the little things that are all around you. The little ones yelling that their toots smell like moldy cheese grates on your nerves a lot quicker, the neighbor kid knocking on your door to tell you that one of your kids sneezed on him tends to give you a twitch, and the people in your home seem to find all your nerves and purposely stand on them while seemingly enjoying it. You find that your smile is no longer attainable but instead, Dr. Frankenstein is rearing his ugly square head.

I heard recently a little quote that seems to ring true. "Despair and discouragement are the quickest way to put yourself out of circulation." When you allow those things to leak in, it really does put a wedge in your communication with God, with those you love and with yourself. Satan just loves it when we knock our own selves out of whack. Makes his job much easier. His goal is to make us quite distracted and focused on ourselves so that we are useless to further God's kingdom.

So here I am, despairing about where we are going to live, where we are going to store all our stuff, what are we going to do with this or how are we going to handle that and the weight of the whole situation just kept getting heavier and heavier till I felt I was suffocating. I don't react well when I feel like I'm a cat in a cage. Claws can be pretty devastating to those who stand in it's way.

How do you get beyond all that frustration and discouragement is the question. Well...sometimes, it takes someone you love very dearly to help straighten you back around and to lovingly and firmly replant your feet in the right direction. Although, when this happens the hackles rise up and make me recoil at first thinking that perhaps it will be a long, long time before I ever have anything to say to him again but after pondering all that has been said, my heart seems to find it's way back home. I do believe that God knew we would need our mates not just to love us but to lovingly help us through tough times.

God is the most important part of this equation. His word encourages me not to be anxious, to not worry about tomorrow, to trust in the shelter of His wings and that He will provide for our needs. It's when I try to take on the weight of our circumstances and try to carry it all, that I get myself into trouble. It's hard to wait on God's timing. I do believe that the waiting is one of the hardest things to do. I know that God has got this whole situation under control and that no matter where we end up and where our stuff ends up, that it will work out in the end. It's getting there that is the struggle.

I'm just so thankful for God's abundant grace. I know that when I am at my weakest point, that God is waiting with open arms of love ready to embrace even the most wretched heart if we are willing to allow Him to do so.

The Plan

We received the notice from the court that the date was set for the eviction hearing. Friday was that day. We went and explained our situation and it was determined that they would give us 30 days. So we have to be moved out by the 13th of July.

I have to admit that this whole situation is just heart breaking. I don't understand much of it. Why when we are able to connect with our neighbors for the first time in ten years now have to leave? Why can't the doctors figure out what is going inside my husband's body so that he can get better and go back to work? The questions just go on and on. Much of why things happen are unexplainable but we are left with two options. We can either continue trusting in our Lord who tells us not to worry, to let tomorrow worry for itself or we can give up, turning our back on the One who has promised to give us what we need to face the day and all that is in it.

We continue to praise, worship and serve the Lord. Serve Him as we've never served Him before. We choose to hang on to the promises that are in His word even in the face of fear, of being stripped of everything, of the unknown. He is our God and we will not turn our backs on Him. We feel an urgency to be a voice of hope. A voice that shouts the glory of God and speaks of His faithfulness. We will not be silent.

It is extremely difficult to share the intimate details of our struggles with friends, with family and with those of you we haven't met but feel that God is calling us to do this. We feel very strongly that we need to encourage and to leave people with the hope that is in Christ. Even when life is falling apart around us, God has amazingly held us up and shown His love to us.

He loves all of us so very much and His desire is to have a relationship with all of us. He wants us to have a faith that is real. A faith that goes beyond the physical agony. A faith that is pure and righteous through the saving grace of the Lord God Almighty.

Many of you want to know what our 'plan' is but to be honest, we haven't any idea what that might be. It would be helpful in knowing what stuff to store, what stuff to give away but I just don't know. What I do know is that we need to box things up. Where the boxes are going is still up in the air. So our plan is this...we continue to trust God and seek Him for direction, for wisdom, for courage, for strength and that in His time, He will reveal to us what the plan is.

Over the last few weeks, my husband has been through many rounds of blood tests and an ultrasound which have revealed absolutely nothing except that he has a bit of a fatty liver which will clear up as he looses weight. However, a fatty liver does not and is not the cause of the extreme pain that he is in. So we are back at square one without a clue as to what is going on. It's a vicious cycle when you are on medication. One of the side effects is weight gain plus the fact that he hurts so very badly that exercising is extremely difficult. The doctor changed one of the weight gaining medicines out for another which will help with the weight loss and he is just trying to endure the pain while exercising.

In a normal situation, we try to do things to change the course of life. This, however, is one of those times when every avenue we've tried has had the door shut. All we have is to take what is before us, explore all options, and depend completely on God for His provision. He has been so faithful to provide. His promises are true as we've seen them worked out in our own lives. So we continue on....taking one day at a time relying on God's grace, His mercy, and His wisdom.

Cake...it's not just for birthdays

We love to celebrate the accomplishments of our kids. Sometimes they are planned out and sometimes they come by surprise.

This past week, our Ryan was out and about playing with his good friend next door like he usually does. Only this time, their dad was out playing around with the kids. Ryan expressed an interest in riding his bike just like his good buddy Stephan was. Lo, and behold, after a couple tries of our neighbor giving him advice and helping him, off he went riding into the wind. Hi Ho Silver!

I must admit I was a little sad that it wasn't Ryan's own dad helping him but right now, he isn't able to bend over like that to help him balance nor can he run along side of the bike. It made me a little sad and a bit mad. I guess I was having a selfish moment and after being slightly miffed and letting my poor husband know of my great disappointment, I had to swallow my words and admit that it wasn't about what I wanted but it was about the excitement of the moment for Ryan.

So we watched with great enthusiasm at this wonderful accomplishment that our seven year old has conquered. After his riding adventures were done for the day, Ryan proudly walked into the livingroom and announced that we should have a party to celebrate him being able to ride his bike. I, teasing, asked him if we should make a cake. With the biggest grin you would ever be able to imagine, he answered with a yes!

The first thing Ryan asked me this morning was when I was going to bake that cake. Aaron, of course, informed me we could not have cake without ice cream. God provided the ice cream and it was the perfect shade of rainbow colors which the boys announced looked like playdoh. I think they might have been more thrilled with the ice cream than the cake but it was a grand ol' celebration either way.

I heard murmurings in the background mentioning that I hadn't made a certain older child a cake when she learned to ride so I guess I'll be baking another cake next week to celebrate previous accomplishments in this area. It was also mentioned that when she gets old and forgets how to ride a bike and at the age of 80 she relearns this skill....I'll be baking another cake then too. It's only fair, you know! Apparently, my job as cake baker is far from over....

Transformation

The day has come. The day we've been expecting. But yet, the reality is excruciatingly agonizing. We received our notice from the court to start the eviction proceedings. It is tough facing all the emotions that come with it and even more so when they are coming from our children. I know that God is working through all this in my own heart and so I have to know that He is also working in my children's hearts as well.

The word transformation and purification has been running through my heart for a few weeks now. Usually when that happens, God is bringing me through a revelation process. It's usually something He wants me to get a hold of in my head and in my heart.

I was recently listening to a sermon and a phrase hit me hard. God is not interested in your temporary relief--He IS interested in permanent change. For example, our values, our heart condition, our purpose. So all these things that we agonize over and don't understand why they are happening are simply because without these struggles our growth spiritually is stunted and we remain shallow, baby Christians who need constant attention and are easily tossed in the wind.

God is fiercely after our hearts and our relationship with Him. Have you ever had a shallow relationship? There is really nothing to hold on to and it easily slips through your fingers. God doesn't want that from us. So we must go through some tough stuff to strengthen that relationship, to change who we are in Christ...to be a better reflection of who Christ is. Of course, when the tough stuff happens, we've got to do our part and that is to hang on to God with all that is within us and open our heart to what He is teaching us.

It's hard to fight our fleshly emotions. I have to fight all the time the thoughts that try to torment me like if God truly loved me, this wouldn't be happening or why is God punishing me. Those are wrong thoughts but yet, I wrestle with them. We have to remember that God fiercely loves us and if you have an understanding of the love you have for your child, then, you will then have a glimpse...just a glimpse of how God views His children. We also have to remember that Jesus Christ already paid the price for our sin so we are not being punished. There are always consequences to our choices and those consequences are what we must endure. We have to keep those things in right perspective.

Even though my flesh is in agony and it's a scary road that we walk, I've seen the transformation in my own heart and in the lives of this family. We've gone through a purification process. We've been broken and liquified so that we now have a better understanding of our faith, of who God is, of our relationship with Him and truly what is important.

We are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, we've still got much, much more to learn but I am saved by God's grace. His blood is what makes me clean and whole. His strength is what helps me have the courage to face each day. So even as we are looking at our eviction, I know that God is going to work all this out for His glory, His purpose and for our good. We place our trust and our hope in Him. No matter what may come, what the outcome may be, I want to be like Job who received the news of his children's death, his loss of all his finances, and the loss of all that he owned....He stood up, tore his robe in grief, shaved his head and fell to the ground before God saying....

I came naked from my mother's womb, and I will be stripped of everything when I die. The Lord gave me everything I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord! (Job 1:21)

The Tooth Fairy

It's a happy day when the little guys lose a tooth around here. It means that the tooth fairy is coming to town. The kids come to me often to show me a loose tooth or what they think is a loose tooth. Kara, whose three, keeps wanting me to check her teeth because she is sure they are all loose.

Unfortunately, lately, the tooth fairy has been leaving I.O.U's instead of dollars. One time, the Grandma of the tooth fairy had to hook her up with a couple of dollars to meet the demand of the falling out of teeth in this family. It's a hard, hard job to keep this tooth fairy going. It's not like you can just recharge her battery so she keeps going and going and going, it's more like digging in the couch, looking in pockets, checking the laundry mug or on the dash of the car just to try to pull a dollar out of a hat. But that is all in the day and the life of a tooth fairy.

The kids have only one complaint about the tooth fairy that comes to our home. Sometimes.....she forgets. So then, they have to try again the next night hoping she will remember. She has many teeth to attend to so sometimes it takes her a little bit to show up. Persistence is the key. You just keep that little tooth under your pillow and one day....one day very soon she will show up with that special little dollar and the lovely note she leaves with it. Don't lose hope. Then, they look up at me with those beautiful blue eyes while placing their hands on their hips and I hear the words....Mom, we know it's you.

One cool little thing the younger ones haven't figured out yet is the recycled dollar. Once they figure this out, the tooth fairy is in big time trouble and she will probably have to come up with a way to smooth the waters. But for now, she's safe with a couple kids. When one of the younger children who had recently been visited by this lovely tooth fairy lady forgets about their dollar and a certain mother finds it amongst the toys or on the floor, she gives it to the tooth fairy to use again when a tooth falls out. Thus...the recycled dollar. It's a cost savings and it keeps the overhead low.

Aaron recently lost a tooth, one of his front teeth. He excitedly ran down the stairs interestingly enough just after I had tucked him in for the night. My tooth fell out...my tooth fell out, he squealed with delight. So we put it in a baggie and placed it under his pillow. Well...the tooth fairy forgot. She kept reminding herself and reminding herself but she still went to bed without replacing the precious tooth with a note and a dollar. So in the morning as we were sitting at the table eating breakfast it dawned on her what she had once again done. She scrambled into the office to write a quick lovely note and scrounged to find a dollar which she is glad to report she had and ran up the stairs to do what tooth fairies do....leave it under a pillow.

Upon her calm entrance to the kitchen, the tooth fairy disguised as a mother nonchalantly asked Aaron if he checked under his pillow this morning. With a frown, he sadly answered that he had and the tooth fairy was late again. His mother quietly suggested that maybe he should check again. Off he ran with speed and vigor, to check to see if maybe...just maybe his prize was there. The laughter and the happy boy noises that oozed from this five year old was something to be cherished. It's here...it's here he yelled as he showed me his note and his prize, a recycled dollar.

The Dino Dig

Homeschooling is not for the faint at heart. It takes patience. It takes time and more time. It takes the strength of Goliath to meet each and every day with the curious minds of children and all their questions, not to mention what happens when someone is feeling particularly cranky. I have to laugh when I hear someone comment that homeschooling is 'safe' and that what my choice for education for my kids keeps them sheltered. It is not a 'safe' thing to do by any stretch of the imagination and they most certainly are not kept in a dark basement with out the hope of the light of day to shine forth. When I see them in action at a field trip or when they conquer a concept, or even when one of them is laying their head down on the table in agony because of a math problem, I know that they are just right where they are suppose to be...

Dinosaurs. There is something that is endearing to many elementary children about that topic. They are a bit mysterious. They are adventurous and they are BIG. From my seven year old's perspective, they look cool, they are so strong and it would be super awesome to ride one.

It happened to be that a field trip was formed and I signed the two younger boys up to participate. It was a beautiful sunshine-filled day. A perfect day to be outside digging for dinosaur bones. There were over 140 kids who were signed up for this trip. They were everywhere. I did notice a steady trail to the 'cookie' table which was a highlight for my two boys as well.

The mama Myasaura dinosaur bones were what were buried for the kids to dig up and clean off with a brush. They all had a chance to dig in the sand and to discover 'a treasure'. The instructor went over how to properly unbury a fossil so that nothing was broken off in their excited attempt to grab it up. After all the bones were discovered, the kids took them inside for the instructor to talk about the dinosaur and to put it together so the kid could see the skeleton as a whole.
The instructor had asked the kids how a mama takes care of her children. Aaron raised his hand and proudly announced that his mother took care of him by giving him food as he was rubbing his tummy and licking his lips. He also knew what the mystery bones were...the shoulder blades.
He is a pretty smart boy, if you ask me. It was neat watching them attentively interact with the instructor and what was being taught by her. Now if only they would do that at home....


You can't force all of your learning into four walls but need to provide moments for them to experience all that you are teaching them outside of that, to experience the adventure of it, to touch it, to see it, to feel it. It brings education alive and makes it real so that it not only is expanding their minds but also wrapping around their hearts.

Surprise Visitors

It is very unsettling when you realize the lock between you and the world beyond your front door could potentially not keep them out. We put a lot of faith in our front doors, our locks and our dead bolts. But what happens when your house has been foreclosed on? Do you still feel safe and secure? If we are not careful, fear could overtake us. We hear stories about the contents of the neighbor's house being thrown out on their front lawn by the sheriff. We hear stories of how realtors are demanding that people have to leave and then later find out that they themselves have moved in illegally. We hear stories about the tent cities and the rotation many homeless people are on in the state parks. How do we separate ourselves from the fear and anxiety that is everywhere we go?

Friday, we had a couple of visitors show up at our front door. One was a realtor that explained that he thought the house was unoccupied. He wanted to know what our plan was. He also wanted to come in and take a look at the inside. Of course, we haven't gotten any legal document from anybody other than the one we were served back in November stating that the house was going up for auction so he didn't get to come inside. My husband explained to him that the only thing that we have planned right now is to continue trusting that God will direct our steps and give us wisdom on what to do next.

Truly, saying that we are trusting God is not a pat answer. We really are diligently beseeching (to implore urgently) the throne of the Lord God Almighty for wisdom, direction, for guidance. We are not just sitting here idly, doing absolutely nothing. We are taking whatever computer work that comes our way. I, even, have put on a computer technician hat and am crawling under desks helping install computers. I never pictured myself doing that but you do what you can. I believe that God has put certain opportunities before us and I am trying to do the best that I can to take what God has placed here.

The second visitor showed up with a truck, trailer and lots of equipment. He arrived to board up the house. He was quite taken back that there was someone living in the home. I couldn't help but feel fear as I thought about what could have happened had we not been there. People leave their homes without taking anything. So in my thinking, we could have been away and come home only to find that our key wouldn't work, leaving us locked out of our own home. Could they just walk in? It is scary. It makes me not want to leave without someone being here to stop people from coming in.

There have been so many scary things that we've had to face and yet, God has been there to give us courage and strength to meet each of them. It happened that when the guy showed up to board up our home, some friends of ours were there. I believe that that was God's provision. They had come over to pray with us and to offer us their love and concern. The friends that showed up the next day, that called, that emailed just showered us with the confirmation that God was providing what we needed to face this. When you know that you have the strong support of friends and family, it enables you to pick yourself up and continue moving forward. Those were totally divine appointments.

In Proverbs 3: 5-6 it says that we are to trust in the Lord with all our hearts and lean not on our own understanding, but in all our ways to acknowledge Him and He will make our paths straight. In order for us to combat fear, we have to realize that God is the one who passionately cares about our lives and is personally involved. We have to trust Him even when we do not understand all of what is happening. He may not remove the trials of the day from us but He has already arranged for us to see His glory even in the midst of tough times. If we believe that God promises to never leave us or forsake us than we have to know that He is there to work things out for us. He gives us what we need...to face what we have to face.

I do not know what tomorrow is going to bring, what we are going to have to face or what mountain we are going to have to climb. But, I do know that God is worthy to be praised no matter what is going on. He is faithful to provide. He is a passionate Father who cares very deeply for His children. He will take care of all of our needs and that includes giving me the peace and security that I need to look fear in the face and loudly proclaim that I have nothing to fear, that those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty, that He alone is my refuge, my place of safety, that He will shield me with his wings and His faithful promises are my armor and protection. (Psalm 91)

A Gracious God

We've been walking this road of unknown for quite some time now. God has been stretching, pruning, refining and rebuilding a faith in us that strong enough to withstand what we are going through. Just this morning, during worship at church, we were singing a song about standing firm on the foundation and it hit me that that was what was happening. People comment to me that they just don't know how we are making it through this and the answer to that is this: We have firmly planted our selves on the firm foundation of Jesus Christ, the rock of our salvation. So that when the storm is raging around us, we know that foundation will hold firm. We may trip and fall but we will not crumble.

It's amazing to me how much an empty refrigerator can tangle my emotions into a knot. When you have hungry stomachs looking up at you because there isn't a whole lot to eat, it's enough to push you to the edge and beyond. The thing that gets me is that time and time again, my husband and I have stood in front of our refrigerator and prayed that God would fill it and He has. I know this. I've seen it happen over and over and yet, I still get distraught when we happen to go through a time that is quite sparse. I want so very badly to get my will and emotions to instantly act in agreement to what I know in my heart. God promises to provide and He has and continues to do so.

After enduring a few days of a lean and echoing refrigerator this past week, I found myself having a bit of a temper tantrum letting God know just how much I was frustrated that He wasn't answering our prayer when I thought we needed it. My husband once again, reminded me that God will provide and together we brought our requests before Him. Later that night, I headed off to see a friend of mine. During my time with her, I got a call from my husband telling me my freezer was full. A friend of ours had brought over a bunch of meals that filled the entire freezer and then mentioned that there was more coming next month. I was speechless and I felt really, really small and a lot like a heel. I quickly asked God to forgive my rash behavior. He is an amazing God and I am just overwhelmed by how much he provides for our needs even when my behavior is less than stellar. A dear friend gently reminded me that God was not taken by surprise by my behavior. In fact, He already knew how I was going to respond. In spite of it, God loves me and his gracious mercy covers me daily.

It is good to be reminded that in spite of who we are, what we do and the choices we make, God is there in His amazing mercy and grace to pour himself out on us. Why? Because He loves us so very much. It doesn't matter what I do or how I act, He is there loving me in spite of it all.

Thrilled to be Three

We recently celebrated little peanut's third birthday. It's hard to believe that she is now such a grown up or so she thinks. This tiny sweet thing has grown into this person who is simply sweet with a side of independence who is not afraid to tell you how things are going to be. How's that for a mixture. She's like Billy Bob's sweet and sassy dressing with a kick. I suppose she has to be. She's number five and she will be heard.

When I sit there and watch how she interacts with the world around her, she simply amazes me. Only God could have created such perfect uniqueness. Each stage is something to cherish. I know that there are some pretty crazy moments but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

She was pretty excited to have her birthday here. For days beforehand, she'd ask if it was time yet for her prizes and cake. We'd have to tell her nope, three more days or nope, two more days and she would drop her head giving us the most precious pouty face. Then the day arrived and the twirling began. She twirled and twirled telling each individual that it was her happy birthday. She even told the little old lady down the street who happened to be walking by our home on an afternoon stroll. Her birthday is something to be celebrated. Her life is precious to me. I always tell my kids that no matter where they are whether they are here with me or off on adventures of their own, I will celebrate the day of their birth because that is the day that our eye's met for the first time and my life was changed forever. A special day, indeed!

The Poverty Simulation

Our church was offering a poverty simulation recently. I debated about signing up to participate because well...we have our own level of poverty and it's real life for us. However, as I was sitting in church listening to Pastor Randy speak, I felt a real sense of urgency to go to this. Even though, we are going through this right now, I know that every situation is different. You just never know how God can use you. That has been my prayer--that God would take our situation and turn it around for something good and useful. I want to be open and willing for God to take our situation and use it for His glory. That means sometimes facing difficult opportunities that require you to open up and be vulnerable, causing you to relive the rawness of life.

It turned out that our oldest son also went. I was really proud of him for being willing to go to this, considering all that he's had to face as a teenager walking this journey. This isn't just hitting my husband and I. It's our whole family. Each individual has experienced it. For the older ones, it has been an extremely tough time. A life changing experience.

They had us separated into groups which were your family for the three hours. Each were given a description of their particular situation, a set amount of money, a few items you could pawn off and some transportation passes. As we were going about taking care of our families needs like getting food, paying bills and working, most were having a fun time with the simulation, really getting into the acting of their part.

After the simulation part was over, we sat around discussing our observations. Many noted how quickly the family unit fell apart, how many of the kids resorted to criminal activity to help their families survive, and how utterly hopeless and frustrated everyone was at the end.

It was really draining on me emotionally and I have to admit I was quite a bit out of sorts and cranky when I got home. It's hard to not be able to leave that behind and to have to live it day after day. However, there are two things that stuck out to me. First, it was noted that the more frustrated and hopeless these families felt, the less they focused on others. Instead, the focus was on their survival. Secondly, the kids were left to raise themselves as the parents were trying to work, get help from the agencies or take care of everything else leading the kids to pregnancy and drug use.

I am so thankful that even though we are financially drained and falling apart, that our family unit is sound. It is even stronger than it was before all of this happened. In fact, one of the neatest things to come out of this is the fact that my husband has had the opportunity to reconnect with His children and has had the time to share what burns on His heart. The love He has for God. It has been amazing watching this develop and grow and how much the kids have learned from him through all of this.

I also have felt very strongly over this past year to not focus solely on our situation but to focus on others. God placed that on my heart for a reason. It was so I wouldn't get so centered on my needs that I missed seeing others around me. It was so that I wouldn't become utterly hopeless. It was so that I would see what God was trying to teach me. It has helped me immensely. One way to get out of your pity party, feeling the hopelessness of your situation is to help others. The last thing I ever want to do is for God to lead me to an opportunity to help someone and I walk away from it. It means getting our hands dirty and getting involved with people's lives, it means being open for God to use us in someone's life. Now that can be a life changing experience.

I'm glad I chose to go to this simulation even though it was a bit agonizing. It was a reminder that everyone I come across whether it be a neighbor, a friend or a stranger--that you just never know what they are having to live, to experience and that I, even with a kind word or a smile, can have an affect on them. We, as believers, have a responsibility to share the hope of Christ, to encourage, to comfort, and to share what we have...our faith.

Dates

Dates. They are important to us. Birthdays. Holiday's. Graduations. Weddings. They signify the importance of people or events in our lives. But dates also represent some not so fun things. As much as I try not to fuss or worry about certain dates, they come. This past week our six month redemptive period came and went. It hurt. Not physically, however, I did feel sick to my stomach but emotionally and mentally.

I guess I was hoping something would happen to intervene. I realize that God is never late and that He is always an on time God but I couldn't help but be disappointed. It is so hard to get our eyes off of what we see around us and get them securely placed on where they should be. On God. He promises to take care of our needs and has done so over the last year. I know that He will continue to move on our behalf even in the midst of my feelings of insecurity. God is not bound by a piece of paper or a date or anything on this earth. He is God.

There are many things that do not make any sense. Most without any answers. But in spite of it all, we are to trust God. He is faithful. He has shown us that over and over again. He may not answer how I want Him to but He will provide for us. He knows the desires of my heart. He knows my thoughts. He knows every last detail of who I am and yet, He still created me. He created me in His image. How can I deny the love of my creator?

I will praise Him no matter what date comes and goes. I will praise Him when I'm at my lowest point. I will praise Him. My prayer is that all of this that we are going through is not for nothing. I know that we have grown spiritually as individuals and as a family but I want it to go beyond that. I pray that it will encourage others to fight for their faith. That it will be a testimony that points to God's faithfulness, that through it, you will see the real struggles, the real emotions and most importantly a faith that is real.

Standing Stones

I recently went to a woman's breakfast at a wonderful church. The theme was 'standing stones'. If you don't know what that is, I'll explain. Standing stones are a pretty big monument made of stone that was a visual reminder of something significant. In this case, it is referred to visual reminders of a faithful God or someone that has been a significant influence in your spiritual life.

One of the ladies spoke of an incredible journey that her family has been on over the last year. On her foyer table is a glass jar full of different size stones that represent how God has been faithful in their lives. Little stone for little thing and bigger stones for God meeting their bigger needs. I thought this was such a beautiful visual reminder as it is easy to forget all of the ways God moves in our lives. She also had written in a journal an account of every stone so that they can go back and read about each story along with all the details that the stone represents.

I thought this was a great idea for us. We've been on a journey for quite some time and I can only imagine what our glass jar would look like. I've shared here on my blog some of the stories of how God has been faithful to us but I've not written every day to day way that God has met our needs. The visual reminder is an encouragement that God is right here with us, that He cares about the little and the big things.

There also have been 'standing stones' that God has surrounded us with. Men and women who have encouraged and ministered to us in ways that only God could have provided. You know that old saying that God won't give you more than you can handle? We have come to the conclusion that He gives you what you need to face what has come across your path no matter what it is, if you'll let Him. Many of us push that gift away because we are upset and angry but God has it readily available if only we will accept it.

God knows exactly where you are, what you have to face today and is working on your behalf to provide you with all that you need to face the suffering of the day. He cares about your mental, physical and spiritual state. We've seen Him move to physically meet our needs but also our emotional needs. When we start to get lost in the fog, God always sends someone to encourage, to pray with, to make us laugh or to give us a hug. God is in every detail.

My hearts desire is for all of us to remain faithful to the very end, taking God's hand and letting Him lead us through whatever it is that we may face. He is our source of strength and courage. I pray that you will see the 'standing stones' in you own life and that it will be a visual reminder of God's faithfulness to you.

The One Kid Rule

A long time ago, I made a new rule. It's called the one kid rule. It only applies to going to the store with Mom. It's for my sanity. It is for productivity. It is for safety. It's for budget control. It is for the opportunity to have one on one time with whichever child is with me at the time. It has been a beautiful thing in my life. It's just so....priceless.

Recently, though, I made an exception to the rule. One time. Here are the results:

Ryan is an energetic child with the attention span of a squirrel. He's usually good and obedient but he get's a little squirrely if we are gone for more than hour. So I make sure the store attending adventures he is a participant of is short and of quality.

Aaron is lovingly nicknamed 'houdini man' because he likes to disappear. Not a good thing when a certain parent is looking at the yogurt trying to decide which flavor and how many would be sufficient for each family member. Poof...he's no where to be found. Then a certain parent is yelling out his name running up and down the aisles in a crazed panic trying to locate and put an end to the disappearance act. At which point, her energy is all used up and is ready to go home. Very unproductive. Usually a trip to 7-eleven is about the right store trip for him. Small store. Small aisles. Slurpee machine. Need I say more?

I needed a few things for dinner. It was going to be a quick trip to store. It was a great time for Ryan to come along. As we were headed out the door, I caught a glimpse of the sad eyes of a five year old who has been getting left behind too often as of late. His plea to come along pulled at my heart and I gave in. How bad can it be with such a quick trip to the store, I asked myself.

As all three of us walked into the store, I was feeling pretty confident that this was going to be painless and easy. I grabbed the cart and off we went. We cruised the hot dog bun aisle. Each boy had to grab their 'own' package and then Aaron said we needed a third one because we always run out which I agreed was correct so it went into the cart. As we headed over to the hot dogs, each boy ran to them and announced that they were getting them, shoving the other aside. I settled that as we need two packages...one for each boy. I had a painful thought that a pattern was being set right before my eyes.

As we headed over to the chips, guess what happened? Yep, each boy was in desperate need of a different flavor and since they had about crushed the bags in their little hands, I felt responsible to purchase both bags. (Grace thinks I bought faulty bags of chips but really it was a five year old and a seven year old that had a hand in crumbly them up properly.) Then, we headed over to the juice aisle. Yep, we ended up with two.

Now let me tell you about the ice cream which I had promised the children we would get since I made them pass up the first ice cream truck cruise down our street this season. We took the cart down the fun aisle, the land of rainbows and lollipops. One boy wanted ice cream sandwiches, the other wanted Jell-o pops. The next thing I saw was both boys on the floor in a scuffle. One in a headlock and the other with his arms wrapped around his brother trying to break free. (Note to self: do not ever, ever, ever bring both boys at the same time to store ever, ever, ever...again unless one needs to remember how much fun it REALLY is.)

As I lovingly and gently took them by the arm to break up the cute little squabble. I told them since we were going to purchase two packages, each would get to choose. Perhaps, mommy should have thrown something darkish, chocolatish Hagen dazish into the cart or maybe twoish for me to eat before I got home!

We, then, went to the cashier to check out. Both boys started grabbing things out of the cart to throw onto the conveyor belt before the other one could grab it. The buns were a bit more mangled, the chips were more crumbly and so on. As I was trying to save the merchandise from any more evidence that is was handled with such care, I heard the lady behind me softly say in a relieved sort of way that she was glad she left her boys at home.

It was quite an eventful trip. One I won't forget for a long, long, long time. It's always an adventure with two very lively boys. Now to explain to my husband why we have two of everything....

Brokenhearted

Revelation 21:4 (NLT): He will remove all of the sorrows and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. For the old world and its evils are gone forever....

It's been a really rough week. This is a tough post to write as my heart is once again liquefied and broken. This seems to be a familiar state for us and I wonder just exactly what God is trying to do as far as molding us and shaping us into what He needs us to be. It hurts. It's agonizing. It's gut wrenching awful. Yet, I know that as we go through these experiences that He is producing so much in us, helping it to take root and to grow. Changing who we are.

Over Easter weekend, I had some issues with our baby which led to a doctor visit and an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed that there was no heartbeat and that our baby had died around 8.5 weeks. A D&C was scheduled and I am now on the recuperating end of things. I am experiencing all the pleasantries of postpartum only with no baby and that makes this super hard.

Some may dismiss early miscarriages as easy to 'get over' but it isn't. Somehow God integrated a mother with her child at conception. Her emotions, her physical and her mental all are connected to the baby even before she ever lays her eyes on the child. I have lost two before this one between Grace and Ryan. It still makes my heart ache remembering. It is comforting to know that they are in heaven and I will get to meet them one day. But for today, I need all the courage and comfort I can receive from our Lord. The one who knows the pain and agony of losing a loved one. God promises to be close to the brokenhearted. He has shown me that comfort through many friends and family who have also lost.

Our Aaron has been an amazing source of encouragement to me. At five, he amazes me with his astute understanding and compassion. I know that God has placed that in him and is developing it. We all are given gifts and it astounds me how God uses them to minister to others. What is even more astounding is watching a child use those gifts. One day as I was laying on the couch, I realized that he had cuddled up to me, folded his hands, closed his eyes and was praying for his mother and our baby. The tears ran down my face as I listened to his prayer and the compassionate understanding he was sharing with God. It was a short prayer but it was powerful. He also had asked me where it hurt. I gently told him that my heart was where it hurt the most. He's been cuddling up to me, off and on throughout the day, blowing kisses to my heart because kisses make boo-boo's better.

One of the questions we struggle with is...Why? Why did this baby have to die? One of our children came to me questioning why God would take a baby from us when we prayed for it. I struggled to answer that. How do you answer your child when you struggle with the answer yourself?

Sometimes there just aren't any answers. You have to continue believing and trusting that God knew best. Isn't that what faith is? Believing without being able to see. I believe this is just another experience in our lives right now that is strengthening our faith, taking that faith to a new level and making us believe and trust even when we just don't understand and nothing makes any sense.

The battle is on. We are in a fight for our faith. Satan doesn't care about us but he does care about the faith we have in God. If you have that faith, he is determined to smack it down until you give up and turn your back on God. Then he has succeeded. God didn't take our baby away to be hurtful or as his judgment on us but He did allow it to happen because He cares about my faith and the strength that it has. He cares about whether my faith is real and whether I can trust Him no matter what is happening to me and around me. Is my faith authentic?

My husband asked me, the other night, whether I was trusting God because we have no other choice or if I was trusting God because I wanted to. The answer was heart breaking to me. I think, sometimes, that I am trusting God because we have no other choice, because we are not able to help ourselves, because I have no control over what is happening. It's hard looking at your heart in the mirror and finding out how wretched and sinful it is.

My heart's desire is to fully trust and believe in God's promises no matter what my circumstances are. That, when I look in the mirror, that my heart will reveal the character and Christ-like behavior that is pleasing and acceptable to my Abba Father. I've got a long ways to go. A lot of work still needs to be done in my life and in my heart but I am so thankful that my eyes have been opened so that those changes can be made and that I am willing.

God gives me the faith and the courage to meet each day no matter how difficult it is to face. He gives me the hope to share with other's as we walk this journey. He is our strength, our courage, our provider and the lifter of our heads.

Romans 8:18-19 (NLT): Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will give us later. For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are.

Easter 2009

The kids love Easter time. They love coloring eggs. They love the anticipation of the loot (candy). Along with the candy, we make sure they know why Easter is a very special time to celebrate. Not only did Christ offer us the most precious Easter present, Salvation, but He also showed us through that how much He loves us. What could possibly be more of an example of that love than to die for my sinfulness.

One of the most exciting things that we are celebrating this year is that through Christ's blood God has offered each of us the gift of salvation which my five year old has accepted this very Easter. It is amazing to me to watch each of my children give their hearts to God in acceptance of His precious gift. It is the most precious aspect of me being parent who has been entrusted with these children to raise to love the Lord. When they finally come to the point of understanding and they give their hearts fully to God, I am so proud of them and the choice they've made. I continue to pray that each will make this relationship between them and God their very own throughout their lives.

It is amazing to me to watch how God has taken this relationship with our oldest and has lead him through a series of events just this past year to make it real to him. I pray that new understanding continues to grow and flourish as he lives his life and develops that relationship with Christ.

This year I found this cool Easter egg glitter pack for the kids to dye their eggs. I think Grace and I ended up doing all the glitter part. It took a little longer than some the kids were willing to wait for. So they put their order in for what color of glitter paper they wanted on their egg. Grace and I sat there and finished all the eggs up. Brad didn't want to participate this year which was sad for me. I do acknowledge that perhaps at some point, a teen may consider egg dying lame. Ah, time. It flies before your very eyes. At least, I have one last picture of him from last year which he reminds me that I 'forced' him into. Poor kid!

In Aaron and Ryan's little Easter bag, I got these really cool looking eggs that are suppose to hatch and grow a duck or a chick. Unfortunately, I didn't read the directions on the back which said that it takes about 72 hours. Aaron's hatched into this slimy duck in about 48 hours but only because I dropped it before placing it in the water, therefore, pre-cracking it. Ryan's, on the otherhand, is still in the water trying it's very best to hatch. I think we are going to have to help it along. I must admit that they were more patient with it than I anticipated.

I am so very excited that Spring is here and with it, the reminder that Jesus is ALIVE!

In Faith and Obedience

I believe it is so important in sharing testimonies to God's faithfulness. It builds our faith up and inspires, encourages us to continue moving forward with the calling God has placed on our lives.

We had noticed that our next door neighbor had been home all week. This was unusual since he goes to work early in the morning during the week. So they had been on my heart as I wasn't sure if he got laid off or lost his job.

One morning, as I was taking a shower, I felt a real pressing to share some of the food we had with them. Of course, I debated back and forth for a bit thinking of how much we needed that food and how they probably were just fine justifying my decision to not go through with it. However, God just laid it out on my heart about obedience. When He calls us to do something, we better do it and not wait even if it doesn't make any sense to us. The decision was made to do what God had laid on my heart, to give the food in faith and in obedience.

It happened that he was out in his driveway working on his car. My husband went out there to ask him if he had been laid off and he said he hadn't. He was just home taking care of his wife who had had surgery on her foot. My husband asked him if he could use some extra food and he replied without hesitation that they could.

I loaded up several bags of canned goods and a few things from my freezer. Then, we took them over to them. Our neighbor was just amazed at the amount of food we were giving them. He asked us how we had all this 'extra'. I, then, was able to explain to him how God had provided in abundance to us and how he continues to provide. He kept commenting about how he couldn't believe that we have friends that would just give us food. I also told him that we were praying for quick healing for his wife which took him by surprise also.

To us, it was simple gesture. Nothing evangelical. Nothing super spiritual. Just purely trying to live life as God commands us to.

The next day, we walked into church and a lady there said that she just couldn't get us off her mind. She wanted to know if we needed food. Of course, I replied with a yes as I was thinking about my rather empty cupboards. She loaded up our car with groceries from the church pantry. That evening, I had another neighbor come over to tell me she put us on her prayer list at her church and that their church wanted to bring over some groceries that week. They showed up with eight bags of groceries. A couple days later, a friend showed up with fresh vegetables, salad, and potatoes from the market. And then finally, another woman gave me meat and ice cream from her freezer. At then end of the week, my oldest son commented that we had been given more than we gave.

That was an important lesson on obedience and I couldn't have taught that to my kids any better. God is our provider and we need to trust that He knows best. He has already set the path before us.

Another thing that happened just this past week was that we were out of milk. We go through about a gallon a day so this is always a need. It had been a particularly tight week financially so my husband took my hand and as we stood in the kitchen, he prayed that God would provide milk. Within four days, we had ten gallons of milk.

I totally believe that God will provide when we pray but when it truly happens and over what I expect, it is overwhelming. God promises to provide and we are living examples that He does what He promises. As His children, we are not dependent on this economy. His ways are higher, wider, and deeper than anything we can imagine. Trust Him, obey Him and live your life for Him. You will be amazed at what He does.

Yep, I double and triple checked.

Excuses

It is quite comical when putting kids to bed. They always try to stall by throwing out so many excuses. I am quite use to: I need to kiss Brad, Grace, Ryan and Aaron. I need my Daddy. I need my bear. I need a drink and so on.

I was totally not expecting this one.....

As I was putting Kara, who is two, to bed last night. She started her excuse list. It's almost become a routine. As I was answering the endless list, it suddenly dawned on me she threw a new one in there. After she went through her kiss list, she added her need to hug the toilet. She was quite adamant that that was necessary. As I finished tucking her in and praying with her, she left me with her final request....But mommy, I NEED to hug the toilet. She wasn't going to let that one go. I told her maybe we could see about that in the morning, hoping she would forget by then.

Kids are just hysterical and if you are not paying attention, you'll miss those moments.

The Unknown

It is a difficult place to be when facing the unknown. It's scary, it's unsettling, and it's sometimes a lonely road. Many want to know if things have changed or are wanting to know what we are going to do as we continue to remain in this situation. To be honest, we don't know what we are going to do.

We are in this place that has had ever door closed that we have tried to move through. You could get quite discouraged and we have from time to time. But in the midst of it, we are completely trusting that God is going to reveal the right door, in the right time.

As far as our house goes, I know that we are allowed a six month redemption period which will be up in May. We have been told that we need to wait to hear from the mortgage company before we can do anything. They have to go through the court to evict us so once we hear from them we are given a short period of time to remove ourselves from this home. My nightmare is that the sheriff will show up and tell us to get out without notice. Some friends of ours have seen people scrambling for their stuff as the sheriff has shown up to escort them out. That concerns me greatly.

We are struggling to keep the lights on and the car insurance up to date so even contemplating a place to rent is out of the question. If we can't keep up with the small things, how can we even attempt to take on something as big as a rent payment. We are just in this place of complete dependence on God. Everytime I start to get upset because things are so tight, I can hear them screaming, I hear this little voice that asks me who I am depending on. Is it me or is it God?

I don't understand the longevity of this time we are going through. I don't understand how all the parts of our lives with Bob's health and everything that has happened are all intertwined into one big ball of chaos. There are no answers at this point. All I know is that God has ordained this time for a reason. A reason we may never have an answer for. I can only pray and ask that my eyes be open to the road God has set before us and be obedient to what He calls us to do daily, no matter how agonizing it is.

I try to embrace this time and learn all that I can from it. I pray that all the things I have learned will not only lead to a deeper understanding in my mind but will take root in my heart. I know that there has been no other time in my life when I have grown so much in my relationship with God and for that I have something to cherish. A gift that I could never have if it weren't for this time.

I look forward to the day when God removes the stopper. However, I do not want to go back to our 'old ways' of thinking, of doing life and of living for Him. I can't wait to see what God has in store for us through His restoration.