Some days are so unbearable difficult and the weight of our situation threatens to squish me. But, I've seen the overwhelming love of our Father through all this as He comforts, provides and showers us with His protection.
Yesterday, my husband decided to try the chiropractor. We are quite familiar with chiropractic care and have wanted to see if it would help Bob's situation. However, the money has been a huge reason why we haven't gone thus far. The second reason we haven't given it a try is because of what happened to Bob at the physical therapy. We were concerned that it would send him into debilitating pain again.
After much insistence from friends and family, Bob went. It was one of the worst decisions ever. It was worse than physical therapy. A friend happened to take him to his appointment and literally had to back his car up to our steps to get him into the house. We got him to the couch where he laid and sobbed ferociously for quite some time. The pain was so intense and it would not let up even with the pain medication.
After quite some time of no relief, we were contemplating a trip to the Emergency Room. However, I wasn't sure how I was going to get him to the car and was wondering if it was worth an ambulance ride. He's been to the ER and they don't know what to do with him either so I wasn't really wanting to go in that direction if we could at all avoid it.
Our wonderful neighbor called to check on him and offered us her whirlpool bath which we took her up on her offer of. I managed to get him over there and up her stairs and into the whirlpool. How? I'm not sure other than it must have been God helping us along. It had an amazing affect on his pain and was able to relieve it enough for the medication to do it's job. Boy, do I wish we had one of those now. Not sure where we would put it but it would be a great help to Bob!
Since the whirlpool's amazing abilities helped relieve some of the pain, we decided against the ER. He's been very exhausted and hurting but is able to move without it causing such debilitating pain which is a good thing. So we are once again, back at our everyday pain management routine. I'm not able to get to church today as I can't leave him by himself but I am thankful we are through the worst of yesterday and on to a brighter day.
I am so thankful that God gives us what we need when the circumstances arise. It is so scary watching someone in so much pain every day. You feel so helpless. Yet, as I go through this with Bob, God gives me the courage to face it, the compassion to comfort, the wisdom to come up with ideas to try to ease and the empathy to pray, pray and pray some more. There are days when I feel like God is so far away and isn't hearing a word I pray but I know without a doubt that He is right here with us, carrying all of us day by day. I've seen the amazing ways God provides even in the midst of all this.
Sometimes I don't understand why God doesn't just fix everything especially since this has been going on and on and on no matter how much I pray. But, I do know that even when God decides not take our afflictions away, He is using it for a glory purpose. By that I mean, He promises to turn things for good and for a purpose that we may not understand at the time. It's not going to be restored until God's purposes are accomplished. Our job is to hold onto our faith, to not give up but to keep finding ways to honor God through it all no matter how much agony you are in. That is a tough place to be....waiting on God. We want relief like now. We are not patient. We wear out and become weary. BUT GOD knows this and He offers those things we need to keep our eyes on him, to keep on running the race, to keep faithful to Him.
I want to encourage you if you are in a place that seems so impossible and so overwhelming to bear each day, to keep your focus on our Lord, to give Him all your hurts, your desires, your dreams. Don't ever give up on God even if you feel like He's not moving on your behalf. Don't rely on what you think you see. Look to His Word, the promises in there are for you, for me and for all who trust in the Lord God Almighty. I've seen them in my own life and continue to be amazed by it. He is truly an amazing God!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Fall Birthdays
In all the hustle and bustle of my crazy life, I've failed to get the fall birthdays up on my blog. So in honor of winter arriving this week, let's take a moment and reminisce about warmer days and beautiful red and gold leaves....
Our beautiful Grace turned 12 this fall. She is now officially a pre-teen or in our family, a young lady would fit more appropriately. I have been telling my kids since they were wee little that we are not doing 'teenagers' here in this family. I am raising young ladies and young gentlemen. There is no reason for them to act all crazy-like as they find their way into adulthood.
Grace is developing into a lovely young lady. Her love of life and excitement for things around her is contagious. We've seen so much growth both spiritually and physically in her that has blown us away. God is amazing in how He creates our children, how they are put together in His image and how that all works together into this wonderful human being. Her compassion for people and her sensitivity to the heart of God is something to be treasured.
Unfortunately, the week her birthday fell upon was the same week we were moving. It was a crazy time but we managed a cake and had her birthday dinner much, much later. She was able to spend some time with her Grandma for their special birthday time together which is always a fun time.
Our spirited, fully animated Aaron who loves to be home turned 6. He is more of a homebody. We've found that he has about a 45 minute time limit on anywhere we go and that usually includes drive time. He is a joy and brings so much laughter to this family. He's a deep thinker and if you give him your full attention, he will talk your ear off about some pretty deep thoughts. Many of them pertain to God and what He is finding out about Him.
For his birthday, we had cake and ice cream. His dinner of choice was hot dogs. I always look forward to the day when they expand their horizon's and want something different. But for now, this is what he asked for and that is what he got.
We always have expectations that on these special days that we will receive gifts. I am proud of these two dear children because on both occasions, we were not able to shower them with any presents and they both handled it swimmingly well. To an adult, you reason and can understand that sometimes life just doesn't allow for that (unless your love language is gifts but that is for another time) but to a child or young person, it is difficult to deal with.
We've found out in the midst of our difficult situation, that much of what we use to do is a luxury and a blessing which we tend to take for granted but isn't really what our hearts should be about. God wants to shower us with blessings and He does but many times it is not physical gifts or presents. He showers us each day with His love, His mercy, His forgiveness and His provision. I pray that my children grow up understanding the love God has for us in all circumstances and that they never doubt that even when times are tough.
Our beautiful Grace turned 12 this fall. She is now officially a pre-teen or in our family, a young lady would fit more appropriately. I have been telling my kids since they were wee little that we are not doing 'teenagers' here in this family. I am raising young ladies and young gentlemen. There is no reason for them to act all crazy-like as they find their way into adulthood.Grace is developing into a lovely young lady. Her love of life and excitement for things around her is contagious. We've seen so much growth both spiritually and physically in her that has blown us away. God is amazing in how He creates our children, how they are put together in His image and how that all works together into this wonderful human being. Her compassion for people and her sensitivity to the heart of God is something to be treasured.
Unfortunately, the week her birthday fell upon was the same week we were moving. It was a crazy time but we managed a cake and had her birthday dinner much, much later. She was able to spend some time with her Grandma for their special birthday time together which is always a fun time.
Our spirited, fully animated Aaron who loves to be home turned 6. He is more of a homebody. We've found that he has about a 45 minute time limit on anywhere we go and that usually includes drive time. He is a joy and brings so much laughter to this family. He's a deep thinker and if you give him your full attention, he will talk your ear off about some pretty deep thoughts. Many of them pertain to God and what He is finding out about Him.For his birthday, we had cake and ice cream. His dinner of choice was hot dogs. I always look forward to the day when they expand their horizon's and want something different. But for now, this is what he asked for and that is what he got.
We always have expectations that on these special days that we will receive gifts. I am proud of these two dear children because on both occasions, we were not able to shower them with any presents and they both handled it swimmingly well. To an adult, you reason and can understand that sometimes life just doesn't allow for that (unless your love language is gifts but that is for another time) but to a child or young person, it is difficult to deal with.
We've found out in the midst of our difficult situation, that much of what we use to do is a luxury and a blessing which we tend to take for granted but isn't really what our hearts should be about. God wants to shower us with blessings and He does but many times it is not physical gifts or presents. He showers us each day with His love, His mercy, His forgiveness and His provision. I pray that my children grow up understanding the love God has for us in all circumstances and that they never doubt that even when times are tough.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Closed Doors
We've had many closed doors recently. It's been tough to understand, difficult to walk through, and agony to endure. Have you ever wondered or questioned at the timing of things that happen?
One of the most significant events lately has been with applying for help with our state. We've not applied through this whole ordeal because we felt very strongly that that was NOT the way God wanted to provide for us. This proved to be true by what we've seen our God do. He has provided in such amazing ways.
However, when our neighbor opened up this rental home to us, she really encouraged us to apply for aid so that they would pay the rent and help us with the utilities which would benefit both of us. So in respect and honor of her graciousness to us, we went ahead with applying not having any idea what that would entail.
When we first applied, they gave us a date to come in and then we would have to decide who was going to go through the program. Well, it was our understanding that it would only be for a few days so my husband chose to be the one to go since the driving, taking care of most things, kids, etc lay on my plate. We knew this was going to be extremely tough on him since he can't sit or stand for very long but thought by taking his pain meds he could get through it.
What ended up being a few days continued on and on for a couple weeks which they kept adding more time to. The pain was just too unbearable at times and so it ended up that he was taking quite a bit of pain medication just to get through. By the time I picked him up at the end of the session, he could hardly make it to the car each day. He did end up missing a day because he wasn't physically able to move from the couch for more than a few minutes. At their request, we got a doctors note and a medical release form from our doctor.
At this point, they called him in and told him they wouldn't accept his doctor's note because it was for only one day. They only accept them for people who miss two or more days. Their decision was to put him on what they call triage. This is a period of time when he, the people at the works program and our social worker get together and decide what to do about our situation. However, a few days after that, we got notice that our social worker bypassed all that and just denied us.
It is obvious this is a broken program. It's good for people who need interviewing skills and help with their resumes but terrible and inappropriate for people who have physical issues that are preventing them from working or for single mom's who already have a job but are not making enough to make ends meet, who need some assistance to live.
Another significant closed door is the fact that we are losing our insurance within the next month. We are right in the middle of trying to figure out how to help Bob's health issues. He did finally get approved for medicaid but unfortunately, it's like an albatross around our necks at times. The doctors want to try epidural shots to see if that gives him some relief but the minute they found out we had medicaid even as a secondary insurance, they wouldn't even touch him. They told us that because of the medicaid, we are, in a sense, a liability. I know also, from my appointments with this baby, there are so many things that are not covered by medicaid. So we are not sure where to go from here and time is not our friend.
When I look at our impossible situation, it's hard not to get stressed, to bawl your eyes out and to lose hope. I have to remember that God is bigger than an insurance card, He's bigger than our broken state aid and He is bigger than all this mess. To me, it's overwhelming, it's never-ending, and it's always going to be this way. BUT, to my GOD, it's handled, it's temporary and it's fixable.
God promises to restore the years that the locust have eaten. He promises restoration. He promises that the things of this world have been overcome by Him, and Him alone. So we look to Him to continue in His provision which is far beyond my imagination remembering that all these situations are already being handled by our amazing God. To Him be the glory....
One of the most significant events lately has been with applying for help with our state. We've not applied through this whole ordeal because we felt very strongly that that was NOT the way God wanted to provide for us. This proved to be true by what we've seen our God do. He has provided in such amazing ways.
However, when our neighbor opened up this rental home to us, she really encouraged us to apply for aid so that they would pay the rent and help us with the utilities which would benefit both of us. So in respect and honor of her graciousness to us, we went ahead with applying not having any idea what that would entail.
When we first applied, they gave us a date to come in and then we would have to decide who was going to go through the program. Well, it was our understanding that it would only be for a few days so my husband chose to be the one to go since the driving, taking care of most things, kids, etc lay on my plate. We knew this was going to be extremely tough on him since he can't sit or stand for very long but thought by taking his pain meds he could get through it.
What ended up being a few days continued on and on for a couple weeks which they kept adding more time to. The pain was just too unbearable at times and so it ended up that he was taking quite a bit of pain medication just to get through. By the time I picked him up at the end of the session, he could hardly make it to the car each day. He did end up missing a day because he wasn't physically able to move from the couch for more than a few minutes. At their request, we got a doctors note and a medical release form from our doctor.
At this point, they called him in and told him they wouldn't accept his doctor's note because it was for only one day. They only accept them for people who miss two or more days. Their decision was to put him on what they call triage. This is a period of time when he, the people at the works program and our social worker get together and decide what to do about our situation. However, a few days after that, we got notice that our social worker bypassed all that and just denied us.
It is obvious this is a broken program. It's good for people who need interviewing skills and help with their resumes but terrible and inappropriate for people who have physical issues that are preventing them from working or for single mom's who already have a job but are not making enough to make ends meet, who need some assistance to live.
Another significant closed door is the fact that we are losing our insurance within the next month. We are right in the middle of trying to figure out how to help Bob's health issues. He did finally get approved for medicaid but unfortunately, it's like an albatross around our necks at times. The doctors want to try epidural shots to see if that gives him some relief but the minute they found out we had medicaid even as a secondary insurance, they wouldn't even touch him. They told us that because of the medicaid, we are, in a sense, a liability. I know also, from my appointments with this baby, there are so many things that are not covered by medicaid. So we are not sure where to go from here and time is not our friend.
When I look at our impossible situation, it's hard not to get stressed, to bawl your eyes out and to lose hope. I have to remember that God is bigger than an insurance card, He's bigger than our broken state aid and He is bigger than all this mess. To me, it's overwhelming, it's never-ending, and it's always going to be this way. BUT, to my GOD, it's handled, it's temporary and it's fixable.
God promises to restore the years that the locust have eaten. He promises restoration. He promises that the things of this world have been overcome by Him, and Him alone. So we look to Him to continue in His provision which is far beyond my imagination remembering that all these situations are already being handled by our amazing God. To Him be the glory....
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Physical Therapy Evaluation
Today, my husband had his midpoint evaluation for physical therapy. He was suppose to think and then be able to tell them how much improved he is. Unfortunately, as we thought about this over the last couple days, we've come to the conclusion that he is doing much worse. It only makes sense since they are messing with the injured areas. Of course, we have to take into account that it's been this way for almost three years now. We are hoping that deterioration hasn't taken place over that period of time and are most hopeful that it's not causing more problems.
The physical therapist did say that one of the problem areas is that the muscle around one of his herniated disks have kind of wrapped themselves around it to protect it from the pain but as it is protecting it, it is also pulling it out even more thus causing more problems. The disks are putting pressure on the nerve that wraps around the abdomen area and builds up on the sides until it feels like an explosion of pain in his chest/abdomen area. It is also affecting his arms and his ability to hold onto things when he hits this 'pain wall'. We've lost quite a few dishes and his favorite Mackinaw Island coffee mug....poor guy! Now we've added some back pain since he started his therapy which is totally not fun.
The physical therapist is recommending that we go for another four weeks and re-evaluate how things are going at that point. In the meantime, we had a recommendation from a friend who is quite familiar with back surgery give us the name of a neuro-surgeon to get a second opinion on this. He is suppose to be one of the best doctor's in the state and comes highly recommended from several people. I pray that he will have some answers for us when we see him in a couple weeks.
I pray we get some answers soon. Bob is just not doing well and I feel so helpless as to what I can do to help him. He finally gave in and sent a pleading email to our family doctor for some stronger medication. He has been trying to avoid the hard stuff because he wants to be able to have his brain function when he gets the opportunity to work on people's computers. Tonight he hit a 'pain wall' and took some of the new pain reliever and it didn't even touch his pain. It is so frustrating because he has tried so many different medications and nothing seems to work very well. When you are in that kind of pain, you want it to stop immediately but his never does. The medication only takes his pain level down to a 4 or 5 where it's not bringing him to tears and this is where he tries to live within everyday. Then, that only lasts for a couple hours and then it's back up again. So the man doesn't sleep much which just exacerbates the problems more.
I just never dreamed at this point in my life that I would become, in a sense, his caretaker. He really is unable to do many things for himself when he hits these 'pain walls' throughout the day. It is very humiliating for him to have to admit that he can't as it would for any one of us. God has blessed him with such grace for which I am so thankful for. I've seen this amazing grace rest on my own father when he was told he was going to die and then throughout the 18 months that he lived after that. It is amazing to see it displayed. It is full of a peace that goes beyond the situation and it's faith building in those who have the blessing to watch it in action. That is God and God alone!
In spite of the amount of pain he is in, he still tries, during his better moments, to do what he can for us. He also tries to continue working as much as he can. I don't know how he functions with that kind of pain but we know that God is the one giving him the strength to continue moving forward every day. God has also kept depression from our door which I thank God for every day. Have you ever seen someone without a will to live? I have and it's not something I ever want to see again and I just keep thanking God and praying for stability in this area.
Amidst our circumstances', we know that God is moving and breathing life into our situation. He is not bound by any impossibility. I cannot tell you all the little miracles we've seen happen which gives us the strength to keep moving forward. God knows exactly what Bob is going through every day and He has a special plan for him. We continue to seek God for healing and for a miracle for our situation but until it happens, we will thank Him....for His provision, for His love, for Him just being the God of our situation.
The physical therapist did say that one of the problem areas is that the muscle around one of his herniated disks have kind of wrapped themselves around it to protect it from the pain but as it is protecting it, it is also pulling it out even more thus causing more problems. The disks are putting pressure on the nerve that wraps around the abdomen area and builds up on the sides until it feels like an explosion of pain in his chest/abdomen area. It is also affecting his arms and his ability to hold onto things when he hits this 'pain wall'. We've lost quite a few dishes and his favorite Mackinaw Island coffee mug....poor guy! Now we've added some back pain since he started his therapy which is totally not fun.
The physical therapist is recommending that we go for another four weeks and re-evaluate how things are going at that point. In the meantime, we had a recommendation from a friend who is quite familiar with back surgery give us the name of a neuro-surgeon to get a second opinion on this. He is suppose to be one of the best doctor's in the state and comes highly recommended from several people. I pray that he will have some answers for us when we see him in a couple weeks.
I pray we get some answers soon. Bob is just not doing well and I feel so helpless as to what I can do to help him. He finally gave in and sent a pleading email to our family doctor for some stronger medication. He has been trying to avoid the hard stuff because he wants to be able to have his brain function when he gets the opportunity to work on people's computers. Tonight he hit a 'pain wall' and took some of the new pain reliever and it didn't even touch his pain. It is so frustrating because he has tried so many different medications and nothing seems to work very well. When you are in that kind of pain, you want it to stop immediately but his never does. The medication only takes his pain level down to a 4 or 5 where it's not bringing him to tears and this is where he tries to live within everyday. Then, that only lasts for a couple hours and then it's back up again. So the man doesn't sleep much which just exacerbates the problems more.
I just never dreamed at this point in my life that I would become, in a sense, his caretaker. He really is unable to do many things for himself when he hits these 'pain walls' throughout the day. It is very humiliating for him to have to admit that he can't as it would for any one of us. God has blessed him with such grace for which I am so thankful for. I've seen this amazing grace rest on my own father when he was told he was going to die and then throughout the 18 months that he lived after that. It is amazing to see it displayed. It is full of a peace that goes beyond the situation and it's faith building in those who have the blessing to watch it in action. That is God and God alone!
In spite of the amount of pain he is in, he still tries, during his better moments, to do what he can for us. He also tries to continue working as much as he can. I don't know how he functions with that kind of pain but we know that God is the one giving him the strength to continue moving forward every day. God has also kept depression from our door which I thank God for every day. Have you ever seen someone without a will to live? I have and it's not something I ever want to see again and I just keep thanking God and praying for stability in this area.
Amidst our circumstances', we know that God is moving and breathing life into our situation. He is not bound by any impossibility. I cannot tell you all the little miracles we've seen happen which gives us the strength to keep moving forward. God knows exactly what Bob is going through every day and He has a special plan for him. We continue to seek God for healing and for a miracle for our situation but until it happens, we will thank Him....for His provision, for His love, for Him just being the God of our situation.
Monday, December 07, 2009
Finally...some answers
Our six month waiting period for preexisting conditions has finally come to an end. Bob was scheduled for an MRI and we now have the results. Everything came back perfectly normal except for two herniated disks in his back. Now, I have to laugh at that because for the past two and a half years, no matter how much we tell people that his excruciating pain has been all along his chest area and his abdomen area, they always ask him how his back is. His back has not hurt at all...leaving the doctor and us scratching our heads in a quandary.
I am so very much relieved at the results as it isn't a terminal illness but at the same time, the doctor didn't sound very hopeful about the location of the herniated disks. We've spoken with some Chiropractor's that aren't wanting to touch it and the physical therapist this past week told Bob that she didn't want to scare him but the road to recovery with his kind of spinal injury is a long, long one if one were to recover at all.
The physical therapy has been extremely tough on Bob. I lovingly call it the torture chamber. After they work his back, he is pretty much incapacitated for a time leaving me with much to do for his care. It has been humiliating for him as well as extremely painful. Simple tasks are close to impossible. When you are faced with the reality that you cannot do these things, it is extremely discouraging and damaging to you emotionally as well. I keep reminding him that the things I am having to do for him is just a small dot on the scale of life as someday he might have to change my diaper. Does that make him feel better? I doubt it but it did make him laugh and that is something you must keep doing when life has so much to bear.
One of the things that the physical therapist told Bob was that he needed a heating pad. To us, this is a very difficult task due to our financial state. But we know who can provide and so I began to pray. Sometimes I have to snicker at what I'm praying for. Who would have ever thought that you would ask God for a heating pad but when it is a need, you ask God. That is one thing that I have learned over the past few years....to rely on God for our every need as He is the only one who is able to provide for our every need down to the very minute detail.
One day we had two offers to borrow heating pads right out of the blue. Bob asked me if I 'twittered or facebooked' our need and I laughed. I had not. But we know that God was on the move. Later that night, we had a knock on the door. I answered it to find that a friend had been at Meijer's and bought him a brand new one. She only said...I thought you might need this today. We both just sat there dumbfounded. I know, I know, with all the astonishing things that God has done in our situation, I should not be the least bit surprised. However, ever time it happens, it brings me to tears of awe and utter thankfulness to God who always follows through on HIS promises.
I am so very much relieved at the results as it isn't a terminal illness but at the same time, the doctor didn't sound very hopeful about the location of the herniated disks. We've spoken with some Chiropractor's that aren't wanting to touch it and the physical therapist this past week told Bob that she didn't want to scare him but the road to recovery with his kind of spinal injury is a long, long one if one were to recover at all.
The physical therapy has been extremely tough on Bob. I lovingly call it the torture chamber. After they work his back, he is pretty much incapacitated for a time leaving me with much to do for his care. It has been humiliating for him as well as extremely painful. Simple tasks are close to impossible. When you are faced with the reality that you cannot do these things, it is extremely discouraging and damaging to you emotionally as well. I keep reminding him that the things I am having to do for him is just a small dot on the scale of life as someday he might have to change my diaper. Does that make him feel better? I doubt it but it did make him laugh and that is something you must keep doing when life has so much to bear.
One of the things that the physical therapist told Bob was that he needed a heating pad. To us, this is a very difficult task due to our financial state. But we know who can provide and so I began to pray. Sometimes I have to snicker at what I'm praying for. Who would have ever thought that you would ask God for a heating pad but when it is a need, you ask God. That is one thing that I have learned over the past few years....to rely on God for our every need as He is the only one who is able to provide for our every need down to the very minute detail.
One day we had two offers to borrow heating pads right out of the blue. Bob asked me if I 'twittered or facebooked' our need and I laughed. I had not. But we know that God was on the move. Later that night, we had a knock on the door. I answered it to find that a friend had been at Meijer's and bought him a brand new one. She only said...I thought you might need this today. We both just sat there dumbfounded. I know, I know, with all the astonishing things that God has done in our situation, I should not be the least bit surprised. However, ever time it happens, it brings me to tears of awe and utter thankfulness to God who always follows through on HIS promises.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Moving forward...
I can't believe we have been in this home for a month now. We are still unpacking and settling in but it feels like home. The kids have resumed their happy noise making and are easing into somewhat of a routine. I feel like I can breath a sigh of relief once again.
We recently scheduled an appointment for Ryan with a psychologist. The appointment went really well and I thought the doctor was wonderful with him and with me as I explained some of our concerns. The outcome was that he didn't really want to get Ryan on a regular counseling schedule. He thought that Ryan was working through all that he has faced while we lived up north really well. The only problem that he saw was that Ryan was having a hard time processing through the stuff at night and it's getting stuck in his dreams.
So we have to encourage him to talk about his nightmares when he's up in the middle of the night. I thought this could be fun trying to form coherent conversation at 3 or 4 am. But it is important for him to talk about it so that this monster can get smaller and smaller. So that is what we are trying to do. So far, he hasn't been able to talk about them. He is afraid that it will keep happening over and over again so he refuses to say a word about it. However, the other night he did let it out that all his dreams were of my nephew coming after him. I guess that is progress. Baby steps.
He also keeps checking with me to make sure that they don't know where we live. So we have to do lots of reassuring and lots of reassuring. The doctor indicated this could be a lengthy process and to make sure he feels safe and loved. Big indicators that he does need regular counseling would be if he withdraws from the things he normally loves including the people around him, if he becomes sullen and does things out of character for him. If he starts hurting himself. So far, he's a happy little kid with great adventures to unfold as he continues to grow and learn with some horrible, horrible nightmares thrown in there.
We are continuing to pray that God will heal his heart and his mind erasing the terrible things that brought him to this point. I know that God will do that for him and we as his parents can love him and support him through this. With God, ALL things are possible and we hold onto that promise.
We recently scheduled an appointment for Ryan with a psychologist. The appointment went really well and I thought the doctor was wonderful with him and with me as I explained some of our concerns. The outcome was that he didn't really want to get Ryan on a regular counseling schedule. He thought that Ryan was working through all that he has faced while we lived up north really well. The only problem that he saw was that Ryan was having a hard time processing through the stuff at night and it's getting stuck in his dreams.
So we have to encourage him to talk about his nightmares when he's up in the middle of the night. I thought this could be fun trying to form coherent conversation at 3 or 4 am. But it is important for him to talk about it so that this monster can get smaller and smaller. So that is what we are trying to do. So far, he hasn't been able to talk about them. He is afraid that it will keep happening over and over again so he refuses to say a word about it. However, the other night he did let it out that all his dreams were of my nephew coming after him. I guess that is progress. Baby steps.
He also keeps checking with me to make sure that they don't know where we live. So we have to do lots of reassuring and lots of reassuring. The doctor indicated this could be a lengthy process and to make sure he feels safe and loved. Big indicators that he does need regular counseling would be if he withdraws from the things he normally loves including the people around him, if he becomes sullen and does things out of character for him. If he starts hurting himself. So far, he's a happy little kid with great adventures to unfold as he continues to grow and learn with some horrible, horrible nightmares thrown in there.
We are continuing to pray that God will heal his heart and his mind erasing the terrible things that brought him to this point. I know that God will do that for him and we as his parents can love him and support him through this. With God, ALL things are possible and we hold onto that promise.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Safe Haven
I've sat here for about half an hour trying to decide how to write this post, restarting it over and over again. It's not one I ever wanted to write about. My heart is heavy and it is hurting in so many ways.
A few weeks ago, I was scheduled to take my mother to a doctor's appointment first thing in the morning. I got up, got myself ready and headed out the door. My 8 year old son discovered that I was about to leave and became hysterical, clinging to me as if his life depended on it which is quite out of character for him. He has really loved having 40 acres to explore along with the animals he's been trying to tame and become friends with. He usually asks me if he can come along but if the answer is no, I get a kiss and off he goes on one of his adventures.
This time, though, was very different. The more I tried to leave, the more he clung to me, to the car and was sobbing uncontrollably. I finally got out of the car and took him inside to have my husband help me so that I could leave. Once things were a bit more settled or so I thought, I got back into my car to head out. Ryan came running for the car crying and crying and stood in front of it so that I couldn't get the car out of the driveway. At this point, I was getting quite concerned and quite irritated but thought that we would deal with what was going on after I got home. So in my irritated voice, I firmly told him to step aside so I could get by.
At this point, he finally listened a bit, enough for me to get the car onto the road and started heading down it. Then I hear this awful, heart-wrenching, blood-curdling screaming going on. I looked in my rear-view mirror and there he was. My dear son was running down the road after my car begging me not to leave him home. I immediately stopped the car and ran to him. I knew at that point that something was dreadfully wrong.
I ended up taking him with me. While my mother was in with the doctor, I took him for a walk and we talked. He told me about some pretty bad things that had been happening to him to the point he did not feel safe, he felt betrayed and he was terrified. Let me just clarify that at this point, no sexual abuse has come to light but instead, Ryan felt his life was in danger. That is a terrible, terrible thing for a young child to ever experience.
When we first moved to my mother in law's home, we were the only family there at that time. However, a short time later, my two nephews moved in and then eventually their mother came to live there too. They haven't come from a good home situation which led us to have concerns from the beginning. We immediately put rules in place for our children to help keep everyone safe. No matter how many rules you have, or how safe you try to make things, sometimes bad things happen anyway.
My 14 year old nephew had been hurting my son to the point that Ryan thought he was going to die. My heart is aching and hurting for Ryan who is still struggling with awful nightmares and having problems sleeping through the night. We immediately began praying that God would provide for the situation and HE did.
God provided a tiny two bedroom home, a safe haven, for us to move into. So we moved quickly to get Ryan out of that situation. We are so thankful for the ones who helped us move again, for those who helped clean, for that crazy painting lady who loves to buy cleaning products and are rejoicing at God's provision of a home to rent. I am still in awe at how the events moved into place at just the right time for us to move and the provision that was poured out onto us to get us there. So we say thank you, thank you and thank you not only to you, dear friends but to our Lord Jesus Christ who is our Provider, our Comforter and our Deliverer.
A few weeks ago, I was scheduled to take my mother to a doctor's appointment first thing in the morning. I got up, got myself ready and headed out the door. My 8 year old son discovered that I was about to leave and became hysterical, clinging to me as if his life depended on it which is quite out of character for him. He has really loved having 40 acres to explore along with the animals he's been trying to tame and become friends with. He usually asks me if he can come along but if the answer is no, I get a kiss and off he goes on one of his adventures.
This time, though, was very different. The more I tried to leave, the more he clung to me, to the car and was sobbing uncontrollably. I finally got out of the car and took him inside to have my husband help me so that I could leave. Once things were a bit more settled or so I thought, I got back into my car to head out. Ryan came running for the car crying and crying and stood in front of it so that I couldn't get the car out of the driveway. At this point, I was getting quite concerned and quite irritated but thought that we would deal with what was going on after I got home. So in my irritated voice, I firmly told him to step aside so I could get by.
At this point, he finally listened a bit, enough for me to get the car onto the road and started heading down it. Then I hear this awful, heart-wrenching, blood-curdling screaming going on. I looked in my rear-view mirror and there he was. My dear son was running down the road after my car begging me not to leave him home. I immediately stopped the car and ran to him. I knew at that point that something was dreadfully wrong.
I ended up taking him with me. While my mother was in with the doctor, I took him for a walk and we talked. He told me about some pretty bad things that had been happening to him to the point he did not feel safe, he felt betrayed and he was terrified. Let me just clarify that at this point, no sexual abuse has come to light but instead, Ryan felt his life was in danger. That is a terrible, terrible thing for a young child to ever experience.
When we first moved to my mother in law's home, we were the only family there at that time. However, a short time later, my two nephews moved in and then eventually their mother came to live there too. They haven't come from a good home situation which led us to have concerns from the beginning. We immediately put rules in place for our children to help keep everyone safe. No matter how many rules you have, or how safe you try to make things, sometimes bad things happen anyway.
My 14 year old nephew had been hurting my son to the point that Ryan thought he was going to die. My heart is aching and hurting for Ryan who is still struggling with awful nightmares and having problems sleeping through the night. We immediately began praying that God would provide for the situation and HE did.
God provided a tiny two bedroom home, a safe haven, for us to move into. So we moved quickly to get Ryan out of that situation. We are so thankful for the ones who helped us move again, for those who helped clean, for that crazy painting lady who loves to buy cleaning products and are rejoicing at God's provision of a home to rent. I am still in awe at how the events moved into place at just the right time for us to move and the provision that was poured out onto us to get us there. So we say thank you, thank you and thank you not only to you, dear friends but to our Lord Jesus Christ who is our Provider, our Comforter and our Deliverer.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
First Day
Today was our first official day of the new school year. I always have this wonderful idea in my head that it will go well, that the kids will embrace the day, that all the knowledge that I'm trying to impart into their cute little heads will be accepted and that they will be so happy to be learnin'.
That NEVER happens. In fact, it's quite the contrary. I'm usually fighting to round them up. I'm usually fighting to get them to admit that their school books even exist. I'm usually watching them put their heads down on the table in great dismay exclaiming loudly that they know enough to live.
Today was no different and I, being the seasoned homeschooling mother that I am prepared myself ahead of time and guess what??? They didn't let me down. They fulfilled my every expectation! Ryan played dodge em' like he usually does avoiding all and any parent that might get him to actually sit down for five minutes. Grace gasps loudly at every subject that was brought up like she is just so shocked that we have more to do. Aaron grumbled because he couldn't get his letter 'A' just right so we have to start over again and again, and Brad did his usual keep your head down, don't make eye contact with the teacher and look like you are learnin' something and you won't get noticed.
So I guess I would definitely say that today was one of great success! The kids may have not got much out of their lessons today but I sure did! I need a tee shirt that says...'I survived my first day of school!' On the back it should say...'It was a little iffy in the morning but then, lunch happened....
That NEVER happens. In fact, it's quite the contrary. I'm usually fighting to round them up. I'm usually fighting to get them to admit that their school books even exist. I'm usually watching them put their heads down on the table in great dismay exclaiming loudly that they know enough to live.
Today was no different and I, being the seasoned homeschooling mother that I am prepared myself ahead of time and guess what??? They didn't let me down. They fulfilled my every expectation! Ryan played dodge em' like he usually does avoiding all and any parent that might get him to actually sit down for five minutes. Grace gasps loudly at every subject that was brought up like she is just so shocked that we have more to do. Aaron grumbled because he couldn't get his letter 'A' just right so we have to start over again and again, and Brad did his usual keep your head down, don't make eye contact with the teacher and look like you are learnin' something and you won't get noticed.
So I guess I would definitely say that today was one of great success! The kids may have not got much out of their lessons today but I sure did! I need a tee shirt that says...'I survived my first day of school!' On the back it should say...'It was a little iffy in the morning but then, lunch happened....
Monday, September 07, 2009
Holding On
I knew that moving would be difficult. It's never easy moving in with relatives or other people for that matter. You have different views on life, you make different choices and you live differently. Those differences are sometimes unacceptable to and even offensive to others. The road to living has many good choices, they are not all wrong. Sometimes we are not willing to allow people to be who they are and simply love them but instead, stand in judgment and criticism hanging on to our own rightness.
This is one of the most difficult circumstances that I've ever had to endure. We are very much hurting and feeling that attacks are coming from all different directions. My flesh does not want to embrace this, it wants to run as far and as fast as I can. However, God has made it clear to us that we are to hang tight and stand in His Grace. This is not simply something we are living in the flesh but in the spiritual realm as well. The answers that apply to life's situation, don't necessarily apply to this one. God's plan is different and it's contrary to what the world tells us.
God calls us to love and to pray when we feel we are in the midst of persecution (Matthew 5:44). It's easy to read that verse and agree with it; but, what happens when you are placed in a situation that you cannot get away from, a place where you don't want to cut off relationships, a place where it's evident and words have indicated that you are unacceptable. I know that in my human flesh that I cannot accomplish what God asks of me. I don't want to return good for hurt. I don't want to love and to pray for those whose words hurt me. My flesh wants this to end, to find another place to live so that my children can sleep well, a place where there is no tension, a place of rest. Instead, God has asked me to stay until He is done with us here.
That is agony. It is pure agony to give up what you want and to let God be God. It has to do with our will and our selfishness; it has to do with our pride and our desire to be right. I have to keep surrendering it to God and to keep asking Him constantly to give me HIS love to share. My love is broken and it's insufficient but His love is complete. He promises to give us what we need to accomplish the task before us. We may not necessarily know what that task is, but He knows. I have to trust and I have to hang on to Him and His word as if my life depended on it to get through to the other side.
It is easy to hold onto all the harsh words, to be offended and to lash out but God wants us to make a choice to let go of all that baggage. I've been guilty on many occasions of holding onto bitterness and anger, to hold onto those offenses but all it's done is hurt me. It's made my heart heavy and my sleep interrupted. Holding onto bitterness, anger and offenses rip health and wholeness from you. I believe that many of our health problems are stemmed from anger, bitterness and unforgiveness. I have examples of in my own life of people who have chosen to live a life of peace, like my dear Grandpa and then, people who have chosen a life of grudges. It ages you physically.
So what do I want? My number one desire is to be in the center of God's will no matter how difficult the circumstances are. I want to be able to love and forgive easily. I do not want to hold onto offenses and hurts. God has given me the opportunity to let go off those and to ask forgiveness. The most important moments are when God gives us the opportunities to right the wrongs and we actually seize those moments. His desire is for our obedience and He is so pleased when we are. It gives him lives He can bless and use.
I am so very weak and feel often times that God doesn't have much to use in me. I can't even trust myself to keep my mouth shut or to say the right things, words that are of love and not anger. So I humbly ask God to forgive me and to show me the way He wants me to go again and again. I'm so thankful for God's grace and His mercy because without it....I'm just a wretched sinner.
This is one of the most difficult circumstances that I've ever had to endure. We are very much hurting and feeling that attacks are coming from all different directions. My flesh does not want to embrace this, it wants to run as far and as fast as I can. However, God has made it clear to us that we are to hang tight and stand in His Grace. This is not simply something we are living in the flesh but in the spiritual realm as well. The answers that apply to life's situation, don't necessarily apply to this one. God's plan is different and it's contrary to what the world tells us.
God calls us to love and to pray when we feel we are in the midst of persecution (Matthew 5:44). It's easy to read that verse and agree with it; but, what happens when you are placed in a situation that you cannot get away from, a place where you don't want to cut off relationships, a place where it's evident and words have indicated that you are unacceptable. I know that in my human flesh that I cannot accomplish what God asks of me. I don't want to return good for hurt. I don't want to love and to pray for those whose words hurt me. My flesh wants this to end, to find another place to live so that my children can sleep well, a place where there is no tension, a place of rest. Instead, God has asked me to stay until He is done with us here.
That is agony. It is pure agony to give up what you want and to let God be God. It has to do with our will and our selfishness; it has to do with our pride and our desire to be right. I have to keep surrendering it to God and to keep asking Him constantly to give me HIS love to share. My love is broken and it's insufficient but His love is complete. He promises to give us what we need to accomplish the task before us. We may not necessarily know what that task is, but He knows. I have to trust and I have to hang on to Him and His word as if my life depended on it to get through to the other side.
It is easy to hold onto all the harsh words, to be offended and to lash out but God wants us to make a choice to let go of all that baggage. I've been guilty on many occasions of holding onto bitterness and anger, to hold onto those offenses but all it's done is hurt me. It's made my heart heavy and my sleep interrupted. Holding onto bitterness, anger and offenses rip health and wholeness from you. I believe that many of our health problems are stemmed from anger, bitterness and unforgiveness. I have examples of in my own life of people who have chosen to live a life of peace, like my dear Grandpa and then, people who have chosen a life of grudges. It ages you physically.
So what do I want? My number one desire is to be in the center of God's will no matter how difficult the circumstances are. I want to be able to love and forgive easily. I do not want to hold onto offenses and hurts. God has given me the opportunity to let go off those and to ask forgiveness. The most important moments are when God gives us the opportunities to right the wrongs and we actually seize those moments. His desire is for our obedience and He is so pleased when we are. It gives him lives He can bless and use.
I am so very weak and feel often times that God doesn't have much to use in me. I can't even trust myself to keep my mouth shut or to say the right things, words that are of love and not anger. So I humbly ask God to forgive me and to show me the way He wants me to go again and again. I'm so thankful for God's grace and His mercy because without it....I'm just a wretched sinner.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Another Year Older...
We recently celebrated Ryan's 8th birthday. Eight sounds so very grown up and he is trying to do that too fast!
In the process of moving and not being able to find a thing, my sister came to my rescue and threw a little birthday party for him. She cooked him up one of his favorite meals, hot dogs. She purchased a yummy cake and of course, ice cream too.
He was thrilled with his presents which were superheroes, another favorite. He's not too picky when it comes to superheroes. He likes just about all of them. Believe it or not, one of his favorite gifts was socks and his new Spiderman tennis shoes. Wonder what walls he's going to try to climb this year?
He is enjoying being out in the country where there is lots of places to run. He was thrilled to play with Grandmom's dog, Diego. I asked him the other day why he wasn't playing with the dog as much and he told me that he was a working man now. One of his most favorite things in life is to do projects around the house with his Dad, his Uncle Tim or anyone that comes over to do repairs. He asks lots and lots of questions and amazingly, does quite well when given the opportunity to help. He is not afraid to get his hands dirty or dive into cleaning out the chicken coop filled with old nasty stuff. He, in my opinion, is an amazing kid!
We pray that this new year is full of adventure, lots of exploring and growing in the knowledge of God and how much He loves all of us.
Happy 8th birthday, Ryan!
In the process of moving and not being able to find a thing, my sister came to my rescue and threw a little birthday party for him. She cooked him up one of his favorite meals, hot dogs. She purchased a yummy cake and of course, ice cream too.
He was thrilled with his presents which were superheroes, another favorite. He's not too picky when it comes to superheroes. He likes just about all of them. Believe it or not, one of his favorite gifts was socks and his new Spiderman tennis shoes. Wonder what walls he's going to try to climb this year?
He is enjoying being out in the country where there is lots of places to run. He was thrilled to play with Grandmom's dog, Diego. I asked him the other day why he wasn't playing with the dog as much and he told me that he was a working man now. One of his most favorite things in life is to do projects around the house with his Dad, his Uncle Tim or anyone that comes over to do repairs. He asks lots and lots of questions and amazingly, does quite well when given the opportunity to help. He is not afraid to get his hands dirty or dive into cleaning out the chicken coop filled with old nasty stuff. He, in my opinion, is an amazing kid!We pray that this new year is full of adventure, lots of exploring and growing in the knowledge of God and how much He loves all of us.
Happy 8th birthday, Ryan!
Sunday, August 09, 2009
I'm Back....
Wonder where I've been?
We moved to the country and apparently, it takes lots and lots of time to settle in, unpack boxes which aren't emptied yet and to find things.
The move went pretty smoothly. We had lots of help from friends and family which were a complete blessing. We are so grateful for the willing hands who stepped in to help us in so many different ways.
The kids seem to be adjusting pretty well and are enjoying getting to know their Uncle Tim much better. Whenever I see him, there is a couple kids following him around. I think it's wonderful that they have this opportunity to enjoy him in a way that isn't quite possible without moving in.
Through Tim's invitation, Brad, has met some people who are responsible in this town for a organization called Young Life. It's an organization that meets with young people in the schools, in the surrounding areas and is able to introduce them to Jesus Christ. Although Brad is already a believer, there are many opportunities for God to use him in this organization. Tim and Brad have both volunteered at the local county fair cleaning up trash, watching the inflatables and whatever else needs to be done and are donating their time/pay towards kids being able to attend a camp that is sponsored by Young Life.
I am amazed already at how God has taken this opportunity of us moving in with my mother in law and is opening doors for our family. Although not an ideal situation in my mind, God knows the plans He has for us and can only work if we are willing to walk the path that God has chosen for us no matter how uncomfortable it may be. It is hard to get our eyes off of what is seen and on to what is unseen.
All I can see around me is quite depressing with all the losses we have endured these past few years. I have to ask myself, if my faith in God is real, why do I not trust that He has what's best for me in His plan and in His will. I think somewhere in my heart, I base God's love on whether I'm in a comfortable situation or not. God never promised that this life would be easy nor did He promise that I would get all the things that I would want. He is after what is eternal and if that means I must endure some tough situations that help build my character and refine my relationship with Him, then that is what is going to happen.
I can fight it which I will tell you I have. I've felt, at times, like I've wrestled with God. It's my will against His will. God gives us the gift of free will but if you are truly a believer, your hearts desire will be that your will is in alignment with God's will. He has allowed me to flail, run and throw my temper tantrum and now He's giving me the opportunity to really embrace what He has for me here. I see a glimpse of it and for me, it's going to be extremely hard. However, I know that He promises to give me what I need to accomplish what He has set before me. He has also promised to give me courage and strength which I desperately need daily.
We moved to the country and apparently, it takes lots and lots of time to settle in, unpack boxes which aren't emptied yet and to find things.
The move went pretty smoothly. We had lots of help from friends and family which were a complete blessing. We are so grateful for the willing hands who stepped in to help us in so many different ways.The kids seem to be adjusting pretty well and are enjoying getting to know their Uncle Tim much better. Whenever I see him, there is a couple kids following him around. I think it's wonderful that they have this opportunity to enjoy him in a way that isn't quite possible without moving in.
Through Tim's invitation, Brad, has met some people who are responsible in this town for a organization called Young Life. It's an organization that meets with young people in the schools, in the surrounding areas and is able to introduce them to Jesus Christ. Although Brad is already a believer, there are many opportunities for God to use him in this organization. Tim and Brad have both volunteered at the local county fair cleaning up trash, watching the inflatables and whatever else needs to be done and are donating their time/pay towards kids being able to attend a camp that is sponsored by Young Life.I am amazed already at how God has taken this opportunity of us moving in with my mother in law and is opening doors for our family. Although not an ideal situation in my mind, God knows the plans He has for us and can only work if we are willing to walk the path that God has chosen for us no matter how uncomfortable it may be. It is hard to get our eyes off of what is seen and on to what is unseen.
All I can see around me is quite depressing with all the losses we have endured these past few years. I have to ask myself, if my faith in God is real, why do I not trust that He has what's best for me in His plan and in His will. I think somewhere in my heart, I base God's love on whether I'm in a comfortable situation or not. God never promised that this life would be easy nor did He promise that I would get all the things that I would want. He is after what is eternal and if that means I must endure some tough situations that help build my character and refine my relationship with Him, then that is what is going to happen.I can fight it which I will tell you I have. I've felt, at times, like I've wrestled with God. It's my will against His will. God gives us the gift of free will but if you are truly a believer, your hearts desire will be that your will is in alignment with God's will. He has allowed me to flail, run and throw my temper tantrum and now He's giving me the opportunity to really embrace what He has for me here. I see a glimpse of it and for me, it's going to be extremely hard. However, I know that He promises to give me what I need to accomplish what He has set before me. He has also promised to give me courage and strength which I desperately need daily.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Sold Out
I've been contemplating what it means to be sold out to Christ. I used to think it was this person, much like one of Jesus' disciples, who gave up all he had and followed Christ. I envisioned that it was someone who was a missionary or a pastor or a ministry leader, someone who was a strong spiritual leader with a flock of sheep to tend to.
I was wrong. Being sold out to Christ is so much more than that. It's more than just believing in God, in trying to do what is right and in helping those along the way. Being sold out to Christ is giving all of your heart to Christ and letting him have complete control over your life. Many times we only let God have the safe parts, the parts where God can't mess with too much to make life uncomfortable.
It's fighting our strong will to get into alignment with God's will. It's choosing to live like God calls us to in His word. What His word tells us to do is quite the opposite of what the world tells us we should live by. Do you have the courage and the boldness to live like scripture calls us to?
We as American Christians are in great danger. We have access to money and so many things that it is extremely easy to replace our dependence on God for a dependence on ourselves and on our things. This happens so easily and so subtly that the believer is unaware of it until God removes the blinders on his eyes through adversity. We personally know this as we found ourselves in this position when my husband lost his job and then health problems entered our lives.
You suddenly realize where you have mistakenly placed your trust, your belief and your dependence. When those things are kicked out from underneath you and you no longer have those things, you are like a man in the middle of the ocean who cannot swim, who needs to desperately hold onto something that will keep him afloat.
I think many times we take God for granted. We think that we have all the time in the world to get our hearts right before him. We get busy with experiencing and doing life, taking care of our kids, running here and running there that God takes the back burner. Sometimes we even accept Christ but then only pull Him out when we are in trouble or need something. This only leads to a lukewarm, shallow relationship with Him. I can't help but wonder if a lukewarm, shallow Christian who only pays attention to God when he needs something will enter the gates of Heaven. God mentions that in Revelation 3:16. (So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.)
We have this mistaken idea of who God is. He doesn't always deliver us from every little trouble in the way we think. Instead He is the Father who uses trials and adversity to refine, shape and mold us into who we are meant to be...more like Christ, before He moves us on to the next thing. He is not a sugar daddy in the sky dropping money and mansions in our lap randomly, (He proves our stewardship in the little things, before He gives us the big things... for His use, to be used as conduits for HIS kingdom and not our own) and He most certainly is not a vengeful God who is ready to take you out everytime you make a mistake.
God is a Holy, a Righteous and a Just God who detests sin but He is also ferociously protective of His children, He is full of mercy, grace and He is extremely patient. He has also provided a way out of our sin but we have to be willing to accept that gift, the gift of salvation through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. He is always after our hearts and wants all of His creation to come unto Him, giving up all of our hearts to Him so that He can work and move in our lives.
What if you are one of those people who thought you were a believer or a christian but haven't really paid much attention to your relationship with Him, calling on Him in the midst of trouble only to find out you are the drowning man in the middle of the ocean with nothing to hold onto to. Do you really want to find out that the God you thought you had was just a mere illusion instead of a relationship?
I encourage you to dig into the scriptures and see how God wants us to live and then be bold and courageous enough to put it into action. Don't be deceived into thinking you've got this relationship with God under control or that you will deal with it later. What if you are wrong?
I was wrong. Being sold out to Christ is so much more than that. It's more than just believing in God, in trying to do what is right and in helping those along the way. Being sold out to Christ is giving all of your heart to Christ and letting him have complete control over your life. Many times we only let God have the safe parts, the parts where God can't mess with too much to make life uncomfortable.
It's fighting our strong will to get into alignment with God's will. It's choosing to live like God calls us to in His word. What His word tells us to do is quite the opposite of what the world tells us we should live by. Do you have the courage and the boldness to live like scripture calls us to?
We as American Christians are in great danger. We have access to money and so many things that it is extremely easy to replace our dependence on God for a dependence on ourselves and on our things. This happens so easily and so subtly that the believer is unaware of it until God removes the blinders on his eyes through adversity. We personally know this as we found ourselves in this position when my husband lost his job and then health problems entered our lives.
You suddenly realize where you have mistakenly placed your trust, your belief and your dependence. When those things are kicked out from underneath you and you no longer have those things, you are like a man in the middle of the ocean who cannot swim, who needs to desperately hold onto something that will keep him afloat.
I think many times we take God for granted. We think that we have all the time in the world to get our hearts right before him. We get busy with experiencing and doing life, taking care of our kids, running here and running there that God takes the back burner. Sometimes we even accept Christ but then only pull Him out when we are in trouble or need something. This only leads to a lukewarm, shallow relationship with Him. I can't help but wonder if a lukewarm, shallow Christian who only pays attention to God when he needs something will enter the gates of Heaven. God mentions that in Revelation 3:16. (So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.)
We have this mistaken idea of who God is. He doesn't always deliver us from every little trouble in the way we think. Instead He is the Father who uses trials and adversity to refine, shape and mold us into who we are meant to be...more like Christ, before He moves us on to the next thing. He is not a sugar daddy in the sky dropping money and mansions in our lap randomly, (He proves our stewardship in the little things, before He gives us the big things... for His use, to be used as conduits for HIS kingdom and not our own) and He most certainly is not a vengeful God who is ready to take you out everytime you make a mistake.
God is a Holy, a Righteous and a Just God who detests sin but He is also ferociously protective of His children, He is full of mercy, grace and He is extremely patient. He has also provided a way out of our sin but we have to be willing to accept that gift, the gift of salvation through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. He is always after our hearts and wants all of His creation to come unto Him, giving up all of our hearts to Him so that He can work and move in our lives.
What if you are one of those people who thought you were a believer or a christian but haven't really paid much attention to your relationship with Him, calling on Him in the midst of trouble only to find out you are the drowning man in the middle of the ocean with nothing to hold onto to. Do you really want to find out that the God you thought you had was just a mere illusion instead of a relationship?
I encourage you to dig into the scriptures and see how God wants us to live and then be bold and courageous enough to put it into action. Don't be deceived into thinking you've got this relationship with God under control or that you will deal with it later. What if you are wrong?
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Layers
We've had to make some pretty tough decisions lately. One of those decisions was to determine where we were going to live once the door for our home closed. My mother in law graciously has offered her home as a place for us to temporarily stay. I chuckle when I use the word temporary because when we had to move in with my mother years ago it was only going to be for six months..tops. Over the course of our time together, she ended up moving with us to our home and that lasted for 12 years. So you just never know what the word temporary means.
This decision of our move has brought to the surface many things in my own life that God has decided it was time to deal with. When God decides to work on the layers of your life, He means business and He gets right to it. He only lets you wander around for a time and then it's time to do some more refining.
One of the things that has struck me as interesting is the fact that over the past two years we've been stripped of what I thought was most everything. I'm not talking about just materially but emotionally and in character, in who we are and where we are with Christ. This has lead us to a breaking and liquified state for God to be able to work with and reshape into something more like Him. However, as I have found out recently, there are still layers upon layers that have to be scrubbed off for the new layers to grow. I seriously feel, at times, like my skin is being ripped off of me. It's agonizingly painful. But it's necessary as we grow in a closer relationship with Christ.
One of the things I'm really struggling with is that my mother in law's home is approximately an hour north of where we live currently. It's on 40 acres in the country. I never imagined myself living in the country with no Starbucks on the corner away from all our friends, our church, our community. Now my plan is to still drive to our church and its activities for the kids and our small group, to still be involved in our homeschool group so there is tons of driving in my future. Everything is going to become a road trip. I really don't want to rip the kids out of everything that they are involved in. This has been extremely tough on them also.
I have faced the fact that those could be more things that God has planned for us to give up which is disheartening just thinking about. It is one thing to have chosen this road for ourselves and an entirely different thing to have it chosen for you. It takes more to work through it. To me, this feels very much like I'm being placed on a deserted island. I know that He ordains all of our steps even those in the middle of the country or in the middle of a city. There is no place that He does not see and I will not be out of His sight.
Sometimes I just don't understand why God would place us somewhere where we have no friends, where my children are away from all they are familiar with, where we have to drive, drive and drive some more. I do realize that people do this all the time but it is a completely different way of life for me and for us. My husband had to remind me that God is in the country too. That He knows what our needs are there just as much as He knows what they are here. He's right and I am thankful for that reminder.
It's pretty easy to give in to a despairing, discouraged and upset attitude. It is in that place that our eyes and our heart is clouded to what God can do. I keep trying to figure out how this whole ordeal can possibly be best for us but that is where faith has to come in. As my husband lovingly reminded me just this evening, faith has absolutely nothing to do with your eyeballs. It has everything to do with our soul, our relationship with Christ. Sometimes He asks us to do some pretty agonizing things and just trust Him even when nothing makes any sense at all.
This decision of our move has brought to the surface many things in my own life that God has decided it was time to deal with. When God decides to work on the layers of your life, He means business and He gets right to it. He only lets you wander around for a time and then it's time to do some more refining.
One of the things that has struck me as interesting is the fact that over the past two years we've been stripped of what I thought was most everything. I'm not talking about just materially but emotionally and in character, in who we are and where we are with Christ. This has lead us to a breaking and liquified state for God to be able to work with and reshape into something more like Him. However, as I have found out recently, there are still layers upon layers that have to be scrubbed off for the new layers to grow. I seriously feel, at times, like my skin is being ripped off of me. It's agonizingly painful. But it's necessary as we grow in a closer relationship with Christ.
One of the things I'm really struggling with is that my mother in law's home is approximately an hour north of where we live currently. It's on 40 acres in the country. I never imagined myself living in the country with no Starbucks on the corner away from all our friends, our church, our community. Now my plan is to still drive to our church and its activities for the kids and our small group, to still be involved in our homeschool group so there is tons of driving in my future. Everything is going to become a road trip. I really don't want to rip the kids out of everything that they are involved in. This has been extremely tough on them also.
I have faced the fact that those could be more things that God has planned for us to give up which is disheartening just thinking about. It is one thing to have chosen this road for ourselves and an entirely different thing to have it chosen for you. It takes more to work through it. To me, this feels very much like I'm being placed on a deserted island. I know that He ordains all of our steps even those in the middle of the country or in the middle of a city. There is no place that He does not see and I will not be out of His sight.
Sometimes I just don't understand why God would place us somewhere where we have no friends, where my children are away from all they are familiar with, where we have to drive, drive and drive some more. I do realize that people do this all the time but it is a completely different way of life for me and for us. My husband had to remind me that God is in the country too. That He knows what our needs are there just as much as He knows what they are here. He's right and I am thankful for that reminder.
It's pretty easy to give in to a despairing, discouraged and upset attitude. It is in that place that our eyes and our heart is clouded to what God can do. I keep trying to figure out how this whole ordeal can possibly be best for us but that is where faith has to come in. As my husband lovingly reminded me just this evening, faith has absolutely nothing to do with your eyeballs. It has everything to do with our soul, our relationship with Christ. Sometimes He asks us to do some pretty agonizing things and just trust Him even when nothing makes any sense at all.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Who does your heart belong to?
Does it belong to the things of this world or does it belong to the Lord God Almighty? Being a follower of Christ is not something to take lightly. It's not something you do and then, there is lies. It is an ever growing relationship. God wants every part of us. He wants it all. He wants us to be willing to give up all that makes us comfortable, all that we find security in and trust Him. Are you hot or are you cold? Are you sold out to Christ completely? Do you hear His calling?
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Happy 14
We recently celebrated our first child's birthday. He's fourteen now. So much growing he has done in the past year. It's amazing how many changes a teenager goes through emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually in just a short period of time. No wonder they have moments of turmoil.
Brad is a brilliant, sensitive, and compassionate young man. At fourteen, he's making firm decisions for himself, is processing life with a more mature attitude and is such an encouragement to his family as we struggle through this journey we are on currently. We also have the honor of seeing the gentle side of his nature, of seeing him work out his own relationship with God and to make goals for himself for his future.
One of the neatest aspects of our family unit is that even though our children have moments they scrap with each other, the relationships they have with each other goes beyond friendship. Brad's siblings really look up to him and respect him for who he is. They enjoy wrestling with him, sitting on his lap, following him around till he can no longer stand it. Brad is their go-to guy.
We are so very proud of him, of who he has become and look forward to watching the rest unfold as he grows and changes.
We celebrated this very special occasion with the cake of his choice, an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen. He had lunch with Grandma and requested hamburgers for dinner which he grilled himself. He did a fabulous job and is in high demand from heretofore to be our grilling man.
Happy Birthday, Brad!
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Despairing...
This has been a pretty tough week. I just laughed as I wrote that because every week seems to be tough. How do you determine which is tougher or rougher than the other? Each has been unique in it's adventures that we've journeyed. This one though, has been tough emotionally.
I've been able to maintain a pretty good outlook other than a few days here or there. However, this week I've been really battling despair. I'm sure it doesn't help that I've also been battling a nasty cold. When you are ill, you become pretty intolerant of the little things that are all around you. The little ones yelling that their toots smell like moldy cheese grates on your nerves a lot quicker, the neighbor kid knocking on your door to tell you that one of your kids sneezed on him tends to give you a twitch, and the people in your home seem to find all your nerves and purposely stand on them while seemingly enjoying it. You find that your smile is no longer attainable but instead, Dr. Frankenstein is rearing his ugly square head.
I heard recently a little quote that seems to ring true. "Despair and discouragement are the quickest way to put yourself out of circulation." When you allow those things to leak in, it really does put a wedge in your communication with God, with those you love and with yourself. Satan just loves it when we knock our own selves out of whack. Makes his job much easier. His goal is to make us quite distracted and focused on ourselves so that we are useless to further God's kingdom.
So here I am, despairing about where we are going to live, where we are going to store all our stuff, what are we going to do with this or how are we going to handle that and the weight of the whole situation just kept getting heavier and heavier till I felt I was suffocating. I don't react well when I feel like I'm a cat in a cage. Claws can be pretty devastating to those who stand in it's way.
How do you get beyond all that frustration and discouragement is the question. Well...sometimes, it takes someone you love very dearly to help straighten you back around and to lovingly and firmly replant your feet in the right direction. Although, when this happens the hackles rise up and make me recoil at first thinking that perhaps it will be a long, long time before I ever have anything to say to him again but after pondering all that has been said, my heart seems to find it's way back home. I do believe that God knew we would need our mates not just to love us but to lovingly help us through tough times.
God is the most important part of this equation. His word encourages me not to be anxious, to not worry about tomorrow, to trust in the shelter of His wings and that He will provide for our needs. It's when I try to take on the weight of our circumstances and try to carry it all, that I get myself into trouble. It's hard to wait on God's timing. I do believe that the waiting is one of the hardest things to do. I know that God has got this whole situation under control and that no matter where we end up and where our stuff ends up, that it will work out in the end. It's getting there that is the struggle.
I'm just so thankful for God's abundant grace. I know that when I am at my weakest point, that God is waiting with open arms of love ready to embrace even the most wretched heart if we are willing to allow Him to do so.
I've been able to maintain a pretty good outlook other than a few days here or there. However, this week I've been really battling despair. I'm sure it doesn't help that I've also been battling a nasty cold. When you are ill, you become pretty intolerant of the little things that are all around you. The little ones yelling that their toots smell like moldy cheese grates on your nerves a lot quicker, the neighbor kid knocking on your door to tell you that one of your kids sneezed on him tends to give you a twitch, and the people in your home seem to find all your nerves and purposely stand on them while seemingly enjoying it. You find that your smile is no longer attainable but instead, Dr. Frankenstein is rearing his ugly square head.
I heard recently a little quote that seems to ring true. "Despair and discouragement are the quickest way to put yourself out of circulation." When you allow those things to leak in, it really does put a wedge in your communication with God, with those you love and with yourself. Satan just loves it when we knock our own selves out of whack. Makes his job much easier. His goal is to make us quite distracted and focused on ourselves so that we are useless to further God's kingdom.
So here I am, despairing about where we are going to live, where we are going to store all our stuff, what are we going to do with this or how are we going to handle that and the weight of the whole situation just kept getting heavier and heavier till I felt I was suffocating. I don't react well when I feel like I'm a cat in a cage. Claws can be pretty devastating to those who stand in it's way.
How do you get beyond all that frustration and discouragement is the question. Well...sometimes, it takes someone you love very dearly to help straighten you back around and to lovingly and firmly replant your feet in the right direction. Although, when this happens the hackles rise up and make me recoil at first thinking that perhaps it will be a long, long time before I ever have anything to say to him again but after pondering all that has been said, my heart seems to find it's way back home. I do believe that God knew we would need our mates not just to love us but to lovingly help us through tough times.
God is the most important part of this equation. His word encourages me not to be anxious, to not worry about tomorrow, to trust in the shelter of His wings and that He will provide for our needs. It's when I try to take on the weight of our circumstances and try to carry it all, that I get myself into trouble. It's hard to wait on God's timing. I do believe that the waiting is one of the hardest things to do. I know that God has got this whole situation under control and that no matter where we end up and where our stuff ends up, that it will work out in the end. It's getting there that is the struggle.
I'm just so thankful for God's abundant grace. I know that when I am at my weakest point, that God is waiting with open arms of love ready to embrace even the most wretched heart if we are willing to allow Him to do so.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
The Plan
We received the notice from the court that the date was set for the eviction hearing. Friday was that day. We went and explained our situation and it was determined that they would give us 30 days. So we have to be moved out by the 13th of July.
I have to admit that this whole situation is just heart breaking. I don't understand much of it. Why when we are able to connect with our neighbors for the first time in ten years now have to leave? Why can't the doctors figure out what is going inside my husband's body so that he can get better and go back to work? The questions just go on and on. Much of why things happen are unexplainable but we are left with two options. We can either continue trusting in our Lord who tells us not to worry, to let tomorrow worry for itself or we can give up, turning our back on the One who has promised to give us what we need to face the day and all that is in it.
We continue to praise, worship and serve the Lord. Serve Him as we've never served Him before. We choose to hang on to the promises that are in His word even in the face of fear, of being stripped of everything, of the unknown. He is our God and we will not turn our backs on Him. We feel an urgency to be a voice of hope. A voice that shouts the glory of God and speaks of His faithfulness. We will not be silent.
It is extremely difficult to share the intimate details of our struggles with friends, with family and with those of you we haven't met but feel that God is calling us to do this. We feel very strongly that we need to encourage and to leave people with the hope that is in Christ. Even when life is falling apart around us, God has amazingly held us up and shown His love to us.
He loves all of us so very much and His desire is to have a relationship with all of us. He wants us to have a faith that is real. A faith that goes beyond the physical agony. A faith that is pure and righteous through the saving grace of the Lord God Almighty.
Many of you want to know what our 'plan' is but to be honest, we haven't any idea what that might be. It would be helpful in knowing what stuff to store, what stuff to give away but I just don't know. What I do know is that we need to box things up. Where the boxes are going is still up in the air. So our plan is this...we continue to trust God and seek Him for direction, for wisdom, for courage, for strength and that in His time, He will reveal to us what the plan is.
Over the last few weeks, my husband has been through many rounds of blood tests and an ultrasound which have revealed absolutely nothing except that he has a bit of a fatty liver which will clear up as he looses weight. However, a fatty liver does not and is not the cause of the extreme pain that he is in. So we are back at square one without a clue as to what is going on. It's a vicious cycle when you are on medication. One of the side effects is weight gain plus the fact that he hurts so very badly that exercising is extremely difficult. The doctor changed one of the weight gaining medicines out for another which will help with the weight loss and he is just trying to endure the pain while exercising.
In a normal situation, we try to do things to change the course of life. This, however, is one of those times when every avenue we've tried has had the door shut. All we have is to take what is before us, explore all options, and depend completely on God for His provision. He has been so faithful to provide. His promises are true as we've seen them worked out in our own lives. So we continue on....taking one day at a time relying on God's grace, His mercy, and His wisdom.
I have to admit that this whole situation is just heart breaking. I don't understand much of it. Why when we are able to connect with our neighbors for the first time in ten years now have to leave? Why can't the doctors figure out what is going inside my husband's body so that he can get better and go back to work? The questions just go on and on. Much of why things happen are unexplainable but we are left with two options. We can either continue trusting in our Lord who tells us not to worry, to let tomorrow worry for itself or we can give up, turning our back on the One who has promised to give us what we need to face the day and all that is in it.
We continue to praise, worship and serve the Lord. Serve Him as we've never served Him before. We choose to hang on to the promises that are in His word even in the face of fear, of being stripped of everything, of the unknown. He is our God and we will not turn our backs on Him. We feel an urgency to be a voice of hope. A voice that shouts the glory of God and speaks of His faithfulness. We will not be silent.
It is extremely difficult to share the intimate details of our struggles with friends, with family and with those of you we haven't met but feel that God is calling us to do this. We feel very strongly that we need to encourage and to leave people with the hope that is in Christ. Even when life is falling apart around us, God has amazingly held us up and shown His love to us.
He loves all of us so very much and His desire is to have a relationship with all of us. He wants us to have a faith that is real. A faith that goes beyond the physical agony. A faith that is pure and righteous through the saving grace of the Lord God Almighty.
Many of you want to know what our 'plan' is but to be honest, we haven't any idea what that might be. It would be helpful in knowing what stuff to store, what stuff to give away but I just don't know. What I do know is that we need to box things up. Where the boxes are going is still up in the air. So our plan is this...we continue to trust God and seek Him for direction, for wisdom, for courage, for strength and that in His time, He will reveal to us what the plan is.
Over the last few weeks, my husband has been through many rounds of blood tests and an ultrasound which have revealed absolutely nothing except that he has a bit of a fatty liver which will clear up as he looses weight. However, a fatty liver does not and is not the cause of the extreme pain that he is in. So we are back at square one without a clue as to what is going on. It's a vicious cycle when you are on medication. One of the side effects is weight gain plus the fact that he hurts so very badly that exercising is extremely difficult. The doctor changed one of the weight gaining medicines out for another which will help with the weight loss and he is just trying to endure the pain while exercising.
In a normal situation, we try to do things to change the course of life. This, however, is one of those times when every avenue we've tried has had the door shut. All we have is to take what is before us, explore all options, and depend completely on God for His provision. He has been so faithful to provide. His promises are true as we've seen them worked out in our own lives. So we continue on....taking one day at a time relying on God's grace, His mercy, and His wisdom.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Cake...it's not just for birthdays
We love to celebrate the accomplishments of our kids. Sometimes they are planned out and sometimes they come by surprise.
This past week, our Ryan was out and about playing with his good friend next door like he usually does. Only this time, their dad was out playing around with the kids. Ryan expressed an interest in riding his bike just like his good buddy Stephan was. Lo, and behold, after a couple tries of our neighbor giving him advice and helping him, off he went riding into the wind. Hi Ho Silver!
I must admit I was a little sad that it wasn't Ryan's own dad helping him but right now, he isn't able to bend over like that to help him balance nor can he run along side of the bike. It made me a little sad and a bit mad. I guess I was having a selfish moment and after being slightly miffed and letting my poor husband know of my great disappointment, I had to swallow my words and admit that it wasn't about what I wanted but it was about the excitement of the moment for Ryan.
So we watched with great enthusiasm at this wonderful accomplishment that our seven year old has conquered. After his riding adventures were done for the day, Ryan proudly walked into the livingroom and announced that we should have a party to celebrate him being able to ride his bike. I, teasing, asked him if we should make a cake. With the biggest grin you would ever be able to imagine, he answered with a yes!
The first thing Ryan asked me this morning was when I was going to bake that cake. Aaron, of course, informed me we could not have cake without ice cream. God provided the ice cream and it was the perfect shade of rainbow colors which the boys announced looked like playdoh. I think they might have been more thrilled with the ice cream than the cake but it was a grand ol' celebration either way.
I heard murmurings in the background mentioning that I hadn't made a certain older child a cake when she learned to ride so I guess I'll be baking another cake next week to celebrate previous accomplishments in this area. It was also mentioned that when she gets old and forgets how to ride a bike and at the age of 80 she relearns this skill....I'll be baking another cake then too. It's only fair, you know! Apparently, my job as cake baker is far from over....
Friday, June 05, 2009
Transformation
The day has come. The day we've been expecting. But yet, the reality is excruciatingly agonizing. We received our notice from the court to start the eviction proceedings. It is tough facing all the emotions that come with it and even more so when they are coming from our children. I know that God is working through all this in my own heart and so I have to know that He is also working in my children's hearts as well.
The word transformation and purification has been running through my heart for a few weeks now. Usually when that happens, God is bringing me through a revelation process. It's usually something He wants me to get a hold of in my head and in my heart.
I was recently listening to a sermon and a phrase hit me hard. God is not interested in your temporary relief--He IS interested in permanent change. For example, our values, our heart condition, our purpose. So all these things that we agonize over and don't understand why they are happening are simply because without these struggles our growth spiritually is stunted and we remain shallow, baby Christians who need constant attention and are easily tossed in the wind.
God is fiercely after our hearts and our relationship with Him. Have you ever had a shallow relationship? There is really nothing to hold on to and it easily slips through your fingers. God doesn't want that from us. So we must go through some tough stuff to strengthen that relationship, to change who we are in Christ...to be a better reflection of who Christ is. Of course, when the tough stuff happens, we've got to do our part and that is to hang on to God with all that is within us and open our heart to what He is teaching us.
It's hard to fight our fleshly emotions. I have to fight all the time the thoughts that try to torment me like if God truly loved me, this wouldn't be happening or why is God punishing me. Those are wrong thoughts but yet, I wrestle with them. We have to remember that God fiercely loves us and if you have an understanding of the love you have for your child, then, you will then have a glimpse...just a glimpse of how God views His children. We also have to remember that Jesus Christ already paid the price for our sin so we are not being punished. There are always consequences to our choices and those consequences are what we must endure. We have to keep those things in right perspective.
Even though my flesh is in agony and it's a scary road that we walk, I've seen the transformation in my own heart and in the lives of this family. We've gone through a purification process. We've been broken and liquified so that we now have a better understanding of our faith, of who God is, of our relationship with Him and truly what is important.
We are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, we've still got much, much more to learn but I am saved by God's grace. His blood is what makes me clean and whole. His strength is what helps me have the courage to face each day. So even as we are looking at our eviction, I know that God is going to work all this out for His glory, His purpose and for our good. We place our trust and our hope in Him. No matter what may come, what the outcome may be, I want to be like Job who received the news of his children's death, his loss of all his finances, and the loss of all that he owned....He stood up, tore his robe in grief, shaved his head and fell to the ground before God saying....
I came naked from my mother's womb, and I will be stripped of everything when I die. The Lord gave me everything I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord! (Job 1:21)
The word transformation and purification has been running through my heart for a few weeks now. Usually when that happens, God is bringing me through a revelation process. It's usually something He wants me to get a hold of in my head and in my heart.
I was recently listening to a sermon and a phrase hit me hard. God is not interested in your temporary relief--He IS interested in permanent change. For example, our values, our heart condition, our purpose. So all these things that we agonize over and don't understand why they are happening are simply because without these struggles our growth spiritually is stunted and we remain shallow, baby Christians who need constant attention and are easily tossed in the wind.
God is fiercely after our hearts and our relationship with Him. Have you ever had a shallow relationship? There is really nothing to hold on to and it easily slips through your fingers. God doesn't want that from us. So we must go through some tough stuff to strengthen that relationship, to change who we are in Christ...to be a better reflection of who Christ is. Of course, when the tough stuff happens, we've got to do our part and that is to hang on to God with all that is within us and open our heart to what He is teaching us.
It's hard to fight our fleshly emotions. I have to fight all the time the thoughts that try to torment me like if God truly loved me, this wouldn't be happening or why is God punishing me. Those are wrong thoughts but yet, I wrestle with them. We have to remember that God fiercely loves us and if you have an understanding of the love you have for your child, then, you will then have a glimpse...just a glimpse of how God views His children. We also have to remember that Jesus Christ already paid the price for our sin so we are not being punished. There are always consequences to our choices and those consequences are what we must endure. We have to keep those things in right perspective.
Even though my flesh is in agony and it's a scary road that we walk, I've seen the transformation in my own heart and in the lives of this family. We've gone through a purification process. We've been broken and liquified so that we now have a better understanding of our faith, of who God is, of our relationship with Him and truly what is important.
We are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, we've still got much, much more to learn but I am saved by God's grace. His blood is what makes me clean and whole. His strength is what helps me have the courage to face each day. So even as we are looking at our eviction, I know that God is going to work all this out for His glory, His purpose and for our good. We place our trust and our hope in Him. No matter what may come, what the outcome may be, I want to be like Job who received the news of his children's death, his loss of all his finances, and the loss of all that he owned....He stood up, tore his robe in grief, shaved his head and fell to the ground before God saying....
I came naked from my mother's womb, and I will be stripped of everything when I die. The Lord gave me everything I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord! (Job 1:21)
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
The Tooth Fairy
It's a happy day when the little guys lose a tooth around here. It means that the tooth fairy is coming to town. The kids come to me often to show me a loose tooth or what they think is a loose tooth. Kara, whose three, keeps wanting me to check her teeth because she is sure they are all loose.Unfortunately, lately, the tooth fairy has been leaving I.O.U's instead of dollars. One time, the Grandma of the tooth fairy had to hook her up with a couple of dollars to meet the demand of the falling out of teeth in this family. It's a hard, hard job to keep this tooth fairy going. It's not like you can just recharge her battery so she keeps going and going and going, it's more like digging in the couch, looking in pockets, checking the laundry mug or on the dash of the car just to try to pull a dollar out of a hat. But that is all in the day and the life of a tooth fairy.
The kids have only one complaint about the tooth fairy that comes to our home. Sometimes.....she forgets. So then, they have to try again the next night hoping she will remember. She has many teeth to attend to so sometimes it takes her a little bit to show up. Persistence is the key. You just keep that little tooth under your pillow and one day....one day very soon she will show up with that special little dollar and the lovely note she leaves with it. Don't lose hope. Then, they look up at me with those beautiful blue eyes while placing their hands on their hips and I hear the words....Mom, we know it's you.
One cool little thing the younger ones haven't figured out yet is the recycled dollar. Once they figure this out, the tooth fairy is in big time trouble and she will probably have to come up with a way to smooth the waters. But for now, she's safe with a couple kids. When one of the younger children who had recently been visited by this lovely tooth fairy lady forgets about their dollar and a certain mother finds it amongst the toys or on the floor, she gives it to the tooth fairy to use again when a tooth falls out. Thus...the recycled dollar. It's a cost savings and it keeps the overhead low.
Aaron recently lost a tooth, one of his front teeth. He excitedly ran down the stairs interestingly enough just after I had tucked him in for the night. My tooth fell out...my tooth fell out, he squealed with delight. So we put it in a baggie and placed it under his pillow. Well...the tooth fairy forgot. She kept reminding herself and reminding herself but she still went to bed without replacing the precious tooth with a note and a dollar. So in the morning as we were sitting at the table eating breakfast it dawned on her what she had once again done. She scrambled into the office to write a quick lovely note and scrounged to find a dollar which she is glad to report she had and ran up the stairs to do what tooth fairies do....leave it under a pillow.
Upon her calm entrance to the kitchen, the tooth fairy disguised as a mother nonchalantly asked Aaron if he checked under his pillow this morning. With a frown, he sadly answered that he had and the tooth fairy was late again. His mother quietly suggested that maybe he should check again. Off he ran with speed and vigor, to check to see if maybe...just maybe his prize was there. The laughter and the happy boy noises that oozed from this five year old was something to be cherished. It's here...it's here he yelled as he showed me his note and his prize, a recycled dollar.
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