Pop Goes The Weasel....

...You ever feel like that? Some days I feel like if things get squeezed any tighter, that very thing just might happen. Just when things seem like they are at their absolute worst, something else happens and I fear I'm going to hear that popping sound. Then doubts and pure agony enter into the mix and I'm all around miserable.

But God is there ever so softly whispering in my ear that He loves me. Do you ever have trouble getting your brain to wrap around that idea? I know that God loves me and that He sent His son to die for me but do I really deep down in my heart KNOW and am able to embrace that love that God has freely given me?

In my growing up, I've had some really great strong foundational truths instilled in me which has shaped my relationship with Christ as it is now. However, I do have this feeling that God is waiting there for me to make a mistake so He, in his Godliness, can take me out. In my opinion, that is very prohibitive of a close relationship and is very stifling. This is NOT the kind of relationship that I desire to have with Him.

We've been going through a very tough time this past year and it's amazing to me all that God is teaching me through it. I can honestly say that I've come to the point where I can thank God for allowing us to be where we are at in this struggle. I'm in awe at God's care and concern of my relationship with him to allow some of these things to happen enough to change the way I understand this relationship I have with him.

One of those things is how I view God's love. My focus has been on only accepting the love that He has as long as I view myself as worthy. I know that I will never be worthy enough to deserve God's mercy or His gift. However, my brain finally has had the 'aha' moment where it's wrapped itself around His love. It really is as simple as this....your love for your children is beyond anything anyone can comprehend, even when they are acting up. You are uniquely connected. God views me through that love (the blood) even when I am less than perfect. We are connected. He created me, He knew my steps and my path before I was formed and yet knowing all the decisions, choices, etc that I would make.....God still breathed me into existence. To me, that's a HUGE connection. His love is all encompassing....every part of who I am.

The other thing that is amazing is this. Many of you know that we lost close to everything when our oldest was just brand new. I admit to you that part of me felt like God let me down. I had this idea that God would care for our needs as He promised, only what He promises and what I expected were two different things. Through this experience, God has allowed me to reconcile my hurt and to see with different eyes how He did follow through with what He promised.

We are a living example of literally depending on God for our daily needs. It's been excruciating to learn this lesson. I always want to know and I stress out/worry about what we are going to do about tomorrow and needing the answers to all of my 'what if's'. God says let tomorrow worry for itself. I will give you what you need for today. Trust me and me alone. He continues to give us our 'manna' daily and I continue to trust and believe in spite of the unknown.

Then finally, God has been showing me to be thankful in ALL things. It is so easy to get into a trap of complaining and being all around miserable. It's been a real challenge for me to not allow my circumstances to determine my attitude. I admit it, I have not always accomplished this every day but I am doing better than I would have even dreamed of being capable of. Being angry, yelling, and all around upset doesn't change anything or any circumstance except to make yourself even more miserable and to affect those around you in a negative way. So as my friend at heluvsme2 recently stated, I'm thankful I'm breathing. If that is all I can find to be thankful about today, I will thank God for my breathing over and over and over again.

Even if life is not what I expect or dream it to be, God's ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. I know, I know and I know that His plan for my life is for my ultimate good and I place my trust, my faith and my belief in the one who created me. I am His and He is mine. His love endureth forever.