Our two year old is an addict. That seems like such a crazy age to have addiction problems but she does. It's kind of like her coffee fix. She wants it, when she wants it. If you don't move fast enough, she will start hitting your arm repeating the word's "frog", "frog" till you finally give in. Then, she takes your hand and leads you to the computer.
What in the world am I talking about? I'm talking about Youtube.com, of course.
When Barbara and Sharlene were staying with us, Kara was so hysterical most of the time. In order to calm her down, Bob would whisk her away to his office and play some 'youtube' videos just to get her mind off of all that was going on. She fell in love with one in particular.....Crazy Frog. I don't know why but that one just tickles her fancy. Now she wants to watch it over and over.
I need to get her on video to show those crazy frog producers what effect they have on young viewers! She dances to the music and she has the crazy frog 'beep beep' down to a science.
What did we ever do before Youtube? I've just recently seen some music videos to songs that were popular in my teen years. I didn't even know they were out there.....boy, do I feel old now!
Showing posts with label Foster Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Foster Parenting. Show all posts
Monday, May 19, 2008
Saturday, March 01, 2008
My Heart Cries....
This is a difficult post to write.
Our time as kinship foster parents has come to an end. The social worker came and got the girls on Friday to take them to their new home. I am pleased that the home they have gone to is a specialized foster care home that has experience with problem children. I think that they will do well there. But I'm sad that it ended up the way it did.
We have such a mix of emotions. First, it was so sad to watch the girls get into the social workers car and leave. I walked around the house and saw their sippy cups sitting there on the counter and I wanted to cry. I found the missing Tinkerbell glove that was Barbara's. What do I do with it? I found myself whispering outside the bedroom door last night and realized that nobody was in there so there was no need to whisper. It just makes me sad.
Then there is relief. There has been an absolute quiet calm in our house since they left. Kara has calmed down as has everyone else. It is difficult to live in a screaming, chaotic world for almost five months and it not affect you. We wake up in knots and we got to bed in knots. We had a friend call on the phone and commented on how quiet it was in the background. Yes, it has definitely made a remarked difference. I heard a content sigh come from my husband as he laid his head down on his pillow in his own bed. He's been sleeping on the couch so that he could hear the girls when they woke up screaming. There's no place like home or your pillow.
There is disappointment. I am so disappointed that things didn't work out. I'm disappointed in myself and how I handled some of the many situations, I'm disappointed that my kids couldn't rise to the occasion and be all they could be. Then it occurs to me they are kids not superhero's. I'm disappointed that we had such a hard time getting help. I'm disappointed.
Then there is anger. We had a TDM with the new foster Mom, the paternal father and his wife, the Mom, the social worker and the moderator. They talked about the condition they originally found the girls in when they were removed from their home, the behavior issues of the girls, the progress they've made and the judge's move to explore the possibility of removing the Mother's rights to the girls this month. They asked the mother if she understood what that all meant and she said yes. They asked her if she had any comments and she said no. She did not have anything to say about anything that was discussed today. She didn't even express any emotion and neither did the father. I feel angry that first of all, that the girls are even in this situation to begin with. It's not their fault. I feel angry that the parents just aren't seeming to take this seriously. We are talking about the future of their little lives and nobody has anything to say. Arrggh! It just makes me angry.
And then there is frustration. In the meeting today, we found out that the social worker has in place speech therapy, play therapy, and will have the other appointments set up by the 14th for the girls. Why in one weekend can she have all this stuff arranged, when we've been fighting and fighting to get things in place here for months. We really didn't have the support we needed to help the girls like they needed. Again, arrggh!
After you go through something like that, do you ever ask yourself what that was all about? What was God's plan in all this? We both feel like we didn't do enough. That perhaps we could have handled this or that better. We are disappointed that it didn't turn out differently. And...oh, all the 'why's' I ask myself. I just wish I had some clarity on this situation. I wish He could just send me an email and tell me so I could know. It would help but instead, all I have is TRUST. What else can I do? I know that God is sovereign. I know that He knows exactly what is going on. I know that He loves those little girls like nobody's business. So I have to TRUST that He will continue to provide for their every need even when I'm no longer in the picture.
Our time as kinship foster parents has come to an end. The social worker came and got the girls on Friday to take them to their new home. I am pleased that the home they have gone to is a specialized foster care home that has experience with problem children. I think that they will do well there. But I'm sad that it ended up the way it did.
We have such a mix of emotions. First, it was so sad to watch the girls get into the social workers car and leave. I walked around the house and saw their sippy cups sitting there on the counter and I wanted to cry. I found the missing Tinkerbell glove that was Barbara's. What do I do with it? I found myself whispering outside the bedroom door last night and realized that nobody was in there so there was no need to whisper. It just makes me sad.
Then there is relief. There has been an absolute quiet calm in our house since they left. Kara has calmed down as has everyone else. It is difficult to live in a screaming, chaotic world for almost five months and it not affect you. We wake up in knots and we got to bed in knots. We had a friend call on the phone and commented on how quiet it was in the background. Yes, it has definitely made a remarked difference. I heard a content sigh come from my husband as he laid his head down on his pillow in his own bed. He's been sleeping on the couch so that he could hear the girls when they woke up screaming. There's no place like home or your pillow.
There is disappointment. I am so disappointed that things didn't work out. I'm disappointed in myself and how I handled some of the many situations, I'm disappointed that my kids couldn't rise to the occasion and be all they could be. Then it occurs to me they are kids not superhero's. I'm disappointed that we had such a hard time getting help. I'm disappointed.
Then there is anger. We had a TDM with the new foster Mom, the paternal father and his wife, the Mom, the social worker and the moderator. They talked about the condition they originally found the girls in when they were removed from their home, the behavior issues of the girls, the progress they've made and the judge's move to explore the possibility of removing the Mother's rights to the girls this month. They asked the mother if she understood what that all meant and she said yes. They asked her if she had any comments and she said no. She did not have anything to say about anything that was discussed today. She didn't even express any emotion and neither did the father. I feel angry that first of all, that the girls are even in this situation to begin with. It's not their fault. I feel angry that the parents just aren't seeming to take this seriously. We are talking about the future of their little lives and nobody has anything to say. Arrggh! It just makes me angry.
And then there is frustration. In the meeting today, we found out that the social worker has in place speech therapy, play therapy, and will have the other appointments set up by the 14th for the girls. Why in one weekend can she have all this stuff arranged, when we've been fighting and fighting to get things in place here for months. We really didn't have the support we needed to help the girls like they needed. Again, arrggh!
After you go through something like that, do you ever ask yourself what that was all about? What was God's plan in all this? We both feel like we didn't do enough. That perhaps we could have handled this or that better. We are disappointed that it didn't turn out differently. And...oh, all the 'why's' I ask myself. I just wish I had some clarity on this situation. I wish He could just send me an email and tell me so I could know. It would help but instead, all I have is TRUST. What else can I do? I know that God is sovereign. I know that He knows exactly what is going on. I know that He loves those little girls like nobody's business. So I have to TRUST that He will continue to provide for their every need even when I'm no longer in the picture.
Lord, we pray that you will continue to heal their hearts and their minds.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Happy Birthday Barbara
Today was Barbara's third birthday.
To make the day special, Grace and I took her out for some fine dining at Burger King where she received a golden crown and a wonderful cheeseburger meal.
We then took her to Target to pick out a toy. Boy was that a difficult choice. She settled on a Dora the Explorer playset that included a horsey.
Later, we had Hostess cupcakes and ice cream to end the birthday day.
To make the day special, Grace and I took her out for some fine dining at Burger King where she received a golden crown and a wonderful cheeseburger meal.
We then took her to Target to pick out a toy. Boy was that a difficult choice. She settled on a Dora the Explorer playset that included a horsey.
Later, we had Hostess cupcakes and ice cream to end the birthday day.
Happy Birthday, Barbara!
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Beaten, Fried and Scrambled
What an incredibly difficult few days we've had here. I cannot even describe to you what we've been through. I'll just say this, I was at the end of my rope and feeling very angry. So since my husband was on the phone, I quickly wrote down these two little words....
I'm leaving.
And then I walked out the door.
I just needed some air. I haven't been able to do much of anything because dealing with these issues at someone else's house is too much for me to handle so we've stayed close to home. I'm sure that hasn't helped my state of mind nor is this dreary February weather.
After I got in the car and was driving down the road, I realized a few things. The first thought that came to mind as I banged my head on the steering wheel is this....I can't even leave properly.
I got no money.
I got no gas.
And....I got no place to go.
So I drove around the neighborhood. My phone begins to ring and of course, it's my beloved. He asks me if I'm ok. Of course, I said yes. Then he asks me where I am. So I told him my sob story about having no money, no gas and no place to go and that I was just driving around the block in our neighborhood. He laughed and I laughed. Then he told me to come home and get some cash out of his wallet and go get a Mountain Dew. He loves me.
However, we had been invited to a friends house for dinner which we needed to leave for in fifteen minutes so I told him I was just coming home. I did feel better so I guess my trip to two streets over and around the block did some good. It ended up that only three of us went to my friends house. Barbara and Sharlene were in no shape to go spend some time at someone's house so Bob stayed home with them and I went.
If you are a foster parent or have ever foster parented, I have a new appreciation for what you do on a daily basis. And for you my friend, Shelly, I apologize profusely if I ever said to you "you just have to love them through it" or anything that resembled that I even understood what you were going through. Yes, you need to love them but now I really know what that means for a foster parent.
I'm leaving.
And then I walked out the door.
I just needed some air. I haven't been able to do much of anything because dealing with these issues at someone else's house is too much for me to handle so we've stayed close to home. I'm sure that hasn't helped my state of mind nor is this dreary February weather.
After I got in the car and was driving down the road, I realized a few things. The first thought that came to mind as I banged my head on the steering wheel is this....I can't even leave properly.
I got no money.
I got no gas.
And....I got no place to go.
So I drove around the neighborhood. My phone begins to ring and of course, it's my beloved. He asks me if I'm ok. Of course, I said yes. Then he asks me where I am. So I told him my sob story about having no money, no gas and no place to go and that I was just driving around the block in our neighborhood. He laughed and I laughed. Then he told me to come home and get some cash out of his wallet and go get a Mountain Dew. He loves me.
However, we had been invited to a friends house for dinner which we needed to leave for in fifteen minutes so I told him I was just coming home. I did feel better so I guess my trip to two streets over and around the block did some good. It ended up that only three of us went to my friends house. Barbara and Sharlene were in no shape to go spend some time at someone's house so Bob stayed home with them and I went.
If you are a foster parent or have ever foster parented, I have a new appreciation for what you do on a daily basis. And for you my friend, Shelly, I apologize profusely if I ever said to you "you just have to love them through it" or anything that resembled that I even understood what you were going through. Yes, you need to love them but now I really know what that means for a foster parent.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Just What Do You All Think You Are Doing????
The phone has been an issue for me since I started having kids. Why is it that when a parent gets on the phone, the children have to be very, very loud, have every emergency under the sun that needs your immediate attention or does things that they clearly know is a no, no!
It's even more imperative that the children be somewhat quiet now since we are also trying to run a business out of our home. Now, I ask you and I ask my children, is there any way that loud growly noises and loud screaming sounds emit professionalism in any way? And really, do they have to do it just at that moment when a customer calls or my beloved is on the phone? How do they get such perfect timing to line up so perfectly?
The rule is:
If the phone is ringing or there is a parent on it, children must remain quiet at all times unless someone is unconscious, bleeding or a bone is broken. Other than that, lips must be kept together so that no noise comes out or at least, if noise should escape it must not interrupt parents.
How funny is that? Do you really think that happens in my home? Not very often but we are working on it. So today, husband was on the phone, seven children decided at that moment to yell, scream, laugh loudly, growl and use high-pitched sing-songy voices so much so that parent number one could not hear customer on phone. So parent number two stepped in and took care of the situation:
Yep! That's them....all seven of them lined up with their noses on the door. Notice the youngest one...she's a bit rebellious. Who said she could peek when her nose is suppose to be elsewhere??!!
It's even more imperative that the children be somewhat quiet now since we are also trying to run a business out of our home. Now, I ask you and I ask my children, is there any way that loud growly noises and loud screaming sounds emit professionalism in any way? And really, do they have to do it just at that moment when a customer calls or my beloved is on the phone? How do they get such perfect timing to line up so perfectly?
The rule is:
If the phone is ringing or there is a parent on it, children must remain quiet at all times unless someone is unconscious, bleeding or a bone is broken. Other than that, lips must be kept together so that no noise comes out or at least, if noise should escape it must not interrupt parents.
How funny is that? Do you really think that happens in my home? Not very often but we are working on it. So today, husband was on the phone, seven children decided at that moment to yell, scream, laugh loudly, growl and use high-pitched sing-songy voices so much so that parent number one could not hear customer on phone. So parent number two stepped in and took care of the situation:
Yep! That's them....all seven of them lined up with their noses on the door. Notice the youngest one...she's a bit rebellious. Who said she could peek when her nose is suppose to be elsewhere??!!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Our Final Decision
A few weeks ago, I posted on having to make a decision on whether or not to continue on with our caring for Barbara and Sharlene. I cannot begin to express to you how much we've agonized over this decision and how many tears I've shed. We've come to the conclusion to let them go.
Our youngest has been hysterical much of the time due to many injuries she's received from the two girls. I don't believe that they have been intended as malicious but are a result of a lack of previous structure, consistency and discipline in their lives leaving them with a lack of understanding of consequences. A 20 month old can't understand why the girls act the way they do. All she knows is that she's been hurt and who did it to her. If it keeps happening over and over again, it leaves trauma in it's wake. Her response is to scream and scream. If I even attempt to hold one of the girls in my lap, Kara responds like I've betrayed her and refuses to have anything to do with me....at least, until she needs something.
We've finally been able to take the girls to counseling. I actually had an appointment for myself only to talk to the counselor. I've not been real impressed. So far she hasn't given me much to work with as far as handling the self-mutilation and the other issues that are present. She did confirm my feelings as far as them needing one on one care which I'm not really able to do since I have five of my own kids. She was recommending a psyche evaluation on them.
We sent in our notice a couple weeks ago to the social worker and have heard nothing from her since. We did finally find out today that she was called out of state on a family emergency. Her supervisor finally had someone call us to let us know that much. In the meantime, I found out that the social worker had canceled the girls' medicaid which is bad since I've been taking them to all these appointments. We called the person that we've been dealing with in our county and he's getting it reinstated effective tomorrow. This cross-county kinship foster care is very frustrating. The different counties just don't communicate with each other.
After talking with him and explaining what's been going on, he was amazed at what we've had to go through. He told us that the social worker was suppose to be setting up all this stuff for us and getting in touch with us. Instead we've been the one's jumping through hoops trying to get everything in order and trying to chase the social worker down to find out when visitation is and such. It's been so frustrating.
Our prayer is that the next home will be one that has the knowledge and capability to help with the special needs of the girls. They deserve to be cared for and loved on and given the chance to live happily. We also pray that it would be a Christian home where they will hear all about how very much Jesus loves them and will heal their hearts and minds.
Our youngest has been hysterical much of the time due to many injuries she's received from the two girls. I don't believe that they have been intended as malicious but are a result of a lack of previous structure, consistency and discipline in their lives leaving them with a lack of understanding of consequences. A 20 month old can't understand why the girls act the way they do. All she knows is that she's been hurt and who did it to her. If it keeps happening over and over again, it leaves trauma in it's wake. Her response is to scream and scream. If I even attempt to hold one of the girls in my lap, Kara responds like I've betrayed her and refuses to have anything to do with me....at least, until she needs something.
We've finally been able to take the girls to counseling. I actually had an appointment for myself only to talk to the counselor. I've not been real impressed. So far she hasn't given me much to work with as far as handling the self-mutilation and the other issues that are present. She did confirm my feelings as far as them needing one on one care which I'm not really able to do since I have five of my own kids. She was recommending a psyche evaluation on them.
We sent in our notice a couple weeks ago to the social worker and have heard nothing from her since. We did finally find out today that she was called out of state on a family emergency. Her supervisor finally had someone call us to let us know that much. In the meantime, I found out that the social worker had canceled the girls' medicaid which is bad since I've been taking them to all these appointments. We called the person that we've been dealing with in our county and he's getting it reinstated effective tomorrow. This cross-county kinship foster care is very frustrating. The different counties just don't communicate with each other.
After talking with him and explaining what's been going on, he was amazed at what we've had to go through. He told us that the social worker was suppose to be setting up all this stuff for us and getting in touch with us. Instead we've been the one's jumping through hoops trying to get everything in order and trying to chase the social worker down to find out when visitation is and such. It's been so frustrating.
Our prayer is that the next home will be one that has the knowledge and capability to help with the special needs of the girls. They deserve to be cared for and loved on and given the chance to live happily. We also pray that it would be a Christian home where they will hear all about how very much Jesus loves them and will heal their hearts and minds.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Evaluations....
We had an appointment with the local school district for a speech/language evaluation for Sharlene. I was a little nervous going into it not for Sharlene but for myself. I haven't set foot inside a school since I hopped into my 1979 Ford Granada that needed a stick in the choke to keep it going up that hill to where the little brown building sat waiting for hundreds of hormone-filled teenagers to attend. I guess that isn't true. I did attend college but I don't put that in the same category. Why was I nervous? Because I homeschool...that's why.
I know, I know. I am legally allowed to homeschool and I shouldn't feel nervous. But I do. You hear all about people calling in the troops on some crazy homeschooling family that has apparently been abusing their children and nobody found out about it. I won't even go into those crazy public school families who have also been able to keep abuse under the table but that's for another post. I don't abuse my children. They are well cared for and loved to pieces. No, they are not in pieces but they know we are here for them. However, I do yell. Sometimes, more than I should....and that's when I know I need a venti.
As I sat there waiting for the lady that was to do the evaluation, I thought maybe I should come up with a creative answer if she started questioning me about where my own children attended school or some other question that needed to be answered. I decided to pray that God would give me wisdom if that should happen. What did happen instead was that we met a really nice lady that didn't over-intrude into our lives but focused on Sharlene's issues.
After her evaluation, she informed me that she needed to go over her notes and would get back to me on what would best meet Sharlene's needs but she did say that Sharlene was pretty severely in need of help and that the once a week speech therapy would not adequately supply that. What she did need was the five day a week class that the bus would come and pick up Sharlene for. She also recommended I take her to a neurologists because she also saw some things that were indicative of other problems.
I decided to ask her about Barbara. I've been concerned about her because she swallows her food whole. I've been observing how she eats and from what I can tell she uses her tongue instead of her teeth to mash up the food or she plain just gulps it down in it's whole format. She also has stuck her hand in the flame on my stove and didn't cry, dropped a wooden puzzle on her foot and again, didn't cry, and some other behavior issues that are much like robotic responses instead of something she might be really feeling. We've had a doctor, the therapist and now the speech pathologist tell me that I needed to get both girls in.
Have you ever had one of those moments when out of the blue, you break down and cry. I hate it when that happens. It comes too quickly to be stopped and there you are...open and vulnerable before a person you don't even know. It happened at this very appointment. Ugghh! As I sat there trying to explain briefly the situation, the lady was very encouraging and said some very nice things to me which made me feel better....even as far as to say I was a saint for taking on this. I wouldn't say that about me AT ALL. I'm just an ordinary person trying to do what God has called me to do for today. But I did appreciate her words.
So we made the neurologist appointment. The soonest we can get in is the end of this month. Sigh. I hate waiting. I want answers and I don't like to wait for them. All in God's timing, right?
I know, I know. I am legally allowed to homeschool and I shouldn't feel nervous. But I do. You hear all about people calling in the troops on some crazy homeschooling family that has apparently been abusing their children and nobody found out about it. I won't even go into those crazy public school families who have also been able to keep abuse under the table but that's for another post. I don't abuse my children. They are well cared for and loved to pieces. No, they are not in pieces but they know we are here for them. However, I do yell. Sometimes, more than I should....and that's when I know I need a venti.
As I sat there waiting for the lady that was to do the evaluation, I thought maybe I should come up with a creative answer if she started questioning me about where my own children attended school or some other question that needed to be answered. I decided to pray that God would give me wisdom if that should happen. What did happen instead was that we met a really nice lady that didn't over-intrude into our lives but focused on Sharlene's issues.
After her evaluation, she informed me that she needed to go over her notes and would get back to me on what would best meet Sharlene's needs but she did say that Sharlene was pretty severely in need of help and that the once a week speech therapy would not adequately supply that. What she did need was the five day a week class that the bus would come and pick up Sharlene for. She also recommended I take her to a neurologists because she also saw some things that were indicative of other problems.
I decided to ask her about Barbara. I've been concerned about her because she swallows her food whole. I've been observing how she eats and from what I can tell she uses her tongue instead of her teeth to mash up the food or she plain just gulps it down in it's whole format. She also has stuck her hand in the flame on my stove and didn't cry, dropped a wooden puzzle on her foot and again, didn't cry, and some other behavior issues that are much like robotic responses instead of something she might be really feeling. We've had a doctor, the therapist and now the speech pathologist tell me that I needed to get both girls in.
Have you ever had one of those moments when out of the blue, you break down and cry. I hate it when that happens. It comes too quickly to be stopped and there you are...open and vulnerable before a person you don't even know. It happened at this very appointment. Ugghh! As I sat there trying to explain briefly the situation, the lady was very encouraging and said some very nice things to me which made me feel better....even as far as to say I was a saint for taking on this. I wouldn't say that about me AT ALL. I'm just an ordinary person trying to do what God has called me to do for today. But I did appreciate her words.
So we made the neurologist appointment. The soonest we can get in is the end of this month. Sigh. I hate waiting. I want answers and I don't like to wait for them. All in God's timing, right?
Monday, February 04, 2008
Appointments
We had our first counseling appointment for Sharlene and Barbara today. After months of waiting, we finally were able to get them in.
The counselor was more hopeful than the last one who did the initial evaluation. However, it's just going to take a long, long time to build up trust between the girls and their counselor to even get to the place where they can be helped especially since they are so young.
We also had visitation today. The girls did alright coming home. No fits, no screaming, no kicking the seat. They even were calm during dinner and bedtime. Somebody was praying for us :-)
The counselor was more hopeful than the last one who did the initial evaluation. However, it's just going to take a long, long time to build up trust between the girls and their counselor to even get to the place where they can be helped especially since they are so young.
We also had visitation today. The girls did alright coming home. No fits, no screaming, no kicking the seat. They even were calm during dinner and bedtime. Somebody was praying for us :-)
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Happy Birthday, Sharlene
Today was Sharlene's birthday. She is now the big number four.
Grandpa gave her some money to spend so I took her to Target and she picked out a toy that she really wanted. We then got Burger King for lunch which she slowly ate and savored. You would have thought she was eating at Andiamo's. I double checked her cheeseburger just to make sure that it really wasn't a juciy ribeye and found that it was indeed still a cheeseburger. At least she appreciated it.
Later we had chocolate cake with pink frosting and sprinkles just as she wanted.
Happy Birthday, Sharlene!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Decisions
Before:
After:
We got a call from the social worker this week. It was a rather strange conversation. There was suppose to have been a court hearing, the six month re-evaluation. According to the social worker, the judge was furious because the visitation rights for the father have not been exercised so he insisted that they begin immediately and the hearing was then rescheduled. Apparently, there was a mix-up in the paperwork regarding him and this is the result of that.
The social worker said that potentially we could end up driving to two different visitations per week. She is going to try to schedule them in one place with them back to back but she wasn't sure that was going to work since one parent lives in one city and the other lives in a different one both with different schedules. I feel like a little puppet, running to and fro depending on which string is pulled. I absolutely cringe at the thought of going through this week after week. It takes a good three to four days for them to settle down after the visit and then you have about two good days with them till it starts all over again. Barbara has just now come out of her funk from the last visit with her Mom which was almost a month ago.
The social worker told me that it's only going to get worse when we get them both into counseling and while they have visitation with both parents, it's going to be a nightmare. So she asked me if we were both willing to continue on with our long-term plan. I told her I didn't know. I feel like a whipped dog. We've gone through so much. Much more than I ever had imagined and to even contemplate what it's going to be like over the next few months is incomprehensible. But at the same time, I look into their little eyes and I know that God has a plan and a purpose for them.
Since I told the social worker I wasn't sure about the long-term, her conversation immediately did a 180. She became rather hopeful that the case could be moved back up to her county and she gave me the list of positives that would come out of it, if we were to give them up and it is a very strong possibility that they are going back to their parents after all this. Was she trying to convince me that they needed to be removed? Perhaps. I do not know what was going on there behind that conversation. She's been piece mealing me information bit by bit over the past four months and I feel like there are gaping holes in what information I do have. We feel like we are getting ramrodded at this point.
Even so, we have a decision that needs to be made fairly quickly. Do we keep them or do we let them go.
The cons are this: I've been bit, spit on, slapped, screamed at, glared at, ignored and had every one of my parent/human being buttons pushed beyond what they ever have before. The fits, the anger, the emotional episodes like self-mutilation, hurting themselves for attention, being able to turn on and shut off emotions on a whim and so much more are tough to deal with. The responses of my own children...Brad feeling like he can't live in his own house or eat at his own table, Kara...sucking her thumb and becoming a screaming toddler when Barbara comes near one of us (some of that is jealousy but some of it comes from being picked on too). Kara is too young to try to explain what is going on and why and try to reason it in her head. The others are trying very hard to understand and be forgiving. And...then to imagine them getting worse and how that is going to affect our own children is also something to consider. The running to all their appointments will keep me busy every day of the week on top of my children's appointments. I've had several professionals tell me that this is a long tough road ahead and it may or may not help. The RAD is pretty nasty stuff and its very unstable. We've not had very much support from our social worker or the other professionals we've been referred to.
The pros are this: We are doing well handling seven kids. The added people which were my original concerns ended up being a non issue. We've flowed into a routine for meals and table rotation, baths, playtime, school, etc without too much trouble. We've seen some improvement in Sharlene's behavior. She's really trying to learn. She can even look us in the eye now instead of trying to detract our attention to something else. Her speech has gotten better and she's settled down so much. I even got the girls to stop the synchronized peeing (don't laugh....it was insane!). With some added help, I know Sharlene will do well even with her FAS. Barbara will too but it's going to be many years of counseling and individualized attention to work with her emotional issues. We've had the opportunity to share Jesus with them. You should hear Sharlene pray....she kind of sounds like the Swedish chef from the Muppets. She prays for her koolaid and she tells God she's going to behave. I'm attached. Even though, they aren't necessarily....I am and Bob is.
It is so hard letting go. It is a heart wrenching, agonizing, hole-inducing decision. I've been praying so hard and still am unsure. I don't want to be another person giving up on them especially Sharlene since she's the older one and more aware of what's going on. In some ways I feel like I have failed. I've yelled...alot and let them control my emotions, I've been in complete darkness dealing with Barbara simply because I do not know how to deal with her problems. They are foreign to me. I've been searching for some information from a Christian perspective and haven't found much. I know what the world says about all this. We don't want the easy way out and we don't want to be out of the will of God. Is this one of those times when God says whatever road we take is ok or does He have a specific one in mind? ....and then I'm taken back to my kids. They are my first priority. We asked them how they felt. They all agreed that they wanted the girls to be happy here but that it would be great relief if they lived somewhere else. Like I said....it's been tough on all of us...not just the parents.
After:
We got a call from the social worker this week. It was a rather strange conversation. There was suppose to have been a court hearing, the six month re-evaluation. According to the social worker, the judge was furious because the visitation rights for the father have not been exercised so he insisted that they begin immediately and the hearing was then rescheduled. Apparently, there was a mix-up in the paperwork regarding him and this is the result of that.
The social worker said that potentially we could end up driving to two different visitations per week. She is going to try to schedule them in one place with them back to back but she wasn't sure that was going to work since one parent lives in one city and the other lives in a different one both with different schedules. I feel like a little puppet, running to and fro depending on which string is pulled. I absolutely cringe at the thought of going through this week after week. It takes a good three to four days for them to settle down after the visit and then you have about two good days with them till it starts all over again. Barbara has just now come out of her funk from the last visit with her Mom which was almost a month ago.
The social worker told me that it's only going to get worse when we get them both into counseling and while they have visitation with both parents, it's going to be a nightmare. So she asked me if we were both willing to continue on with our long-term plan. I told her I didn't know. I feel like a whipped dog. We've gone through so much. Much more than I ever had imagined and to even contemplate what it's going to be like over the next few months is incomprehensible. But at the same time, I look into their little eyes and I know that God has a plan and a purpose for them.
Since I told the social worker I wasn't sure about the long-term, her conversation immediately did a 180. She became rather hopeful that the case could be moved back up to her county and she gave me the list of positives that would come out of it, if we were to give them up and it is a very strong possibility that they are going back to their parents after all this. Was she trying to convince me that they needed to be removed? Perhaps. I do not know what was going on there behind that conversation. She's been piece mealing me information bit by bit over the past four months and I feel like there are gaping holes in what information I do have. We feel like we are getting ramrodded at this point.
Even so, we have a decision that needs to be made fairly quickly. Do we keep them or do we let them go.
The cons are this: I've been bit, spit on, slapped, screamed at, glared at, ignored and had every one of my parent/human being buttons pushed beyond what they ever have before. The fits, the anger, the emotional episodes like self-mutilation, hurting themselves for attention, being able to turn on and shut off emotions on a whim and so much more are tough to deal with. The responses of my own children...Brad feeling like he can't live in his own house or eat at his own table, Kara...sucking her thumb and becoming a screaming toddler when Barbara comes near one of us (some of that is jealousy but some of it comes from being picked on too). Kara is too young to try to explain what is going on and why and try to reason it in her head. The others are trying very hard to understand and be forgiving. And...then to imagine them getting worse and how that is going to affect our own children is also something to consider. The running to all their appointments will keep me busy every day of the week on top of my children's appointments. I've had several professionals tell me that this is a long tough road ahead and it may or may not help. The RAD is pretty nasty stuff and its very unstable. We've not had very much support from our social worker or the other professionals we've been referred to.
The pros are this: We are doing well handling seven kids. The added people which were my original concerns ended up being a non issue. We've flowed into a routine for meals and table rotation, baths, playtime, school, etc without too much trouble. We've seen some improvement in Sharlene's behavior. She's really trying to learn. She can even look us in the eye now instead of trying to detract our attention to something else. Her speech has gotten better and she's settled down so much. I even got the girls to stop the synchronized peeing (don't laugh....it was insane!). With some added help, I know Sharlene will do well even with her FAS. Barbara will too but it's going to be many years of counseling and individualized attention to work with her emotional issues. We've had the opportunity to share Jesus with them. You should hear Sharlene pray....she kind of sounds like the Swedish chef from the Muppets. She prays for her koolaid and she tells God she's going to behave. I'm attached. Even though, they aren't necessarily....I am and Bob is.
It is so hard letting go. It is a heart wrenching, agonizing, hole-inducing decision. I've been praying so hard and still am unsure. I don't want to be another person giving up on them especially Sharlene since she's the older one and more aware of what's going on. In some ways I feel like I have failed. I've yelled...alot and let them control my emotions, I've been in complete darkness dealing with Barbara simply because I do not know how to deal with her problems. They are foreign to me. I've been searching for some information from a Christian perspective and haven't found much. I know what the world says about all this. We don't want the easy way out and we don't want to be out of the will of God. Is this one of those times when God says whatever road we take is ok or does He have a specific one in mind? ....and then I'm taken back to my kids. They are my first priority. We asked them how they felt. They all agreed that they wanted the girls to be happy here but that it would be great relief if they lived somewhere else. Like I said....it's been tough on all of us...not just the parents.
Monday, January 14, 2008
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
Since our last visitation coupled with all the family doings surrounding the holidays and now the funeral, we've had a very tough few weeks with the kids. I hate that I always sound like I'm whining but a friend told me...hey, it's your journal...whine if you want to. So I guess I got permission. Seriously though, I'm struggling with this foster parenting adventure in such a big way.
The last visitation resulted in some very good things for Sharlene but set us back drastically with Barbara. I don't know if it had to do with the fact that her mother was here for fours hours at one time or if it was a grim reminder of how things are here with rules and how they are with her mother. I wish I could understand what is going on in that little head of hers.
The Good:
Sharlene learned how to jump in a puddle this month. Her speech has improved and she's learning about pleases and thank you's. She's even learning about sharing. A symptom of the RAD is extreme opposites. One can be so clingy to everyone she comes into contact with and the other is to have one that is completely detached. We have one of both. However, we've noticed lately that instead of hanging on people right away, Sharlene has clung to my leg. Now don't get me wrong, after a little bit, she becomes very clingy again especially with a little attention paid to her. But I consider that first initial hesitation an improvement. When Sharlene first came to us, she couldn't look us in the eye, especially if she was in trouble. Now, she looks at us when we talk to her. Sharlene was like a wild animal when she came to us, running from one thing to another and couldn't even sit still to watch a TV show. Now, she can sit and play without jumping up every two seconds to run to something else. She sits and watches TV and even can sit through her meal now. She can even color a picture and follow through to finish it.
The Bad:
Barbara has gone back into her zombie mode. She will stand in one spot for an hour at a time only staring out into the world beyond her. When I tell her to get a toy to play with, she will just stare into the toy cubes forever until I tell her to pick one up and sit down. If one of the kids tells on her for shoving Sharlene or Kara or whatever the case may be, she retaliates by glaring at them or smacking their hand away from her if they try to play with her, she even bites them. Everytime Brad comes into the room, walks by her, sits at the table to have his dinner with them, she cries and carries on to the point, Brad thinks he can't be in the same room with her. I don't believe this is from a past trauma because she will do it to me or Grace after we've offended her. I would never have believed that a almost three year old could hold a grudge for days until now. She was doing this stuff when she first came here but ever since mother's visit, she's kicked it up a few notches.
Barbara doesn't know how to be her own person. All she does is imitate Sharlene but at the same time, they are like opposite magnets. It will just about kill them if they should have to play together. On the otherhand, if one of my children enters the scene and all three of them are together, then they can play. It's a weird scenario.
The Ugly:
Trying to find the balance between the mother bear in me to protect my biological children from the hurtful things happening to them from the two little cousins who have had to deal with so much in their short little lives. It's an ugly situation to which there is no immediate cure. I hate the fact that I went to the community mental health to get some help and was met with hopelessness. I don't believe for one minute there is no hope but I do wonder if there is enough of my mental capacity to take this on. I'm torn in two. For some, it's a simple answer. I've been told over and over again that I just need to love them through this and in time, it will be ok. But what do I do to not lose my mind, turn into a screaming banshee as my oldest son puts it and to help this situation to not cause trauma to my own children. I hate watching Kara suck her thumb all day long because she is having a hard time with all the upheaval this causes. To me, it's not a simple answer. It's hard, complicated and full of emotion. It's living life in the mucky-muck. It's crying out to God for help because I am so very weak and He is my light in this darkness.
The last visitation resulted in some very good things for Sharlene but set us back drastically with Barbara. I don't know if it had to do with the fact that her mother was here for fours hours at one time or if it was a grim reminder of how things are here with rules and how they are with her mother. I wish I could understand what is going on in that little head of hers.
The Good:
Sharlene learned how to jump in a puddle this month. Her speech has improved and she's learning about pleases and thank you's. She's even learning about sharing. A symptom of the RAD is extreme opposites. One can be so clingy to everyone she comes into contact with and the other is to have one that is completely detached. We have one of both. However, we've noticed lately that instead of hanging on people right away, Sharlene has clung to my leg. Now don't get me wrong, after a little bit, she becomes very clingy again especially with a little attention paid to her. But I consider that first initial hesitation an improvement. When Sharlene first came to us, she couldn't look us in the eye, especially if she was in trouble. Now, she looks at us when we talk to her. Sharlene was like a wild animal when she came to us, running from one thing to another and couldn't even sit still to watch a TV show. Now, she can sit and play without jumping up every two seconds to run to something else. She sits and watches TV and even can sit through her meal now. She can even color a picture and follow through to finish it.
The Bad:
Barbara has gone back into her zombie mode. She will stand in one spot for an hour at a time only staring out into the world beyond her. When I tell her to get a toy to play with, she will just stare into the toy cubes forever until I tell her to pick one up and sit down. If one of the kids tells on her for shoving Sharlene or Kara or whatever the case may be, she retaliates by glaring at them or smacking their hand away from her if they try to play with her, she even bites them. Everytime Brad comes into the room, walks by her, sits at the table to have his dinner with them, she cries and carries on to the point, Brad thinks he can't be in the same room with her. I don't believe this is from a past trauma because she will do it to me or Grace after we've offended her. I would never have believed that a almost three year old could hold a grudge for days until now. She was doing this stuff when she first came here but ever since mother's visit, she's kicked it up a few notches.
Barbara doesn't know how to be her own person. All she does is imitate Sharlene but at the same time, they are like opposite magnets. It will just about kill them if they should have to play together. On the otherhand, if one of my children enters the scene and all three of them are together, then they can play. It's a weird scenario.
The Ugly:
Trying to find the balance between the mother bear in me to protect my biological children from the hurtful things happening to them from the two little cousins who have had to deal with so much in their short little lives. It's an ugly situation to which there is no immediate cure. I hate the fact that I went to the community mental health to get some help and was met with hopelessness. I don't believe for one minute there is no hope but I do wonder if there is enough of my mental capacity to take this on. I'm torn in two. For some, it's a simple answer. I've been told over and over again that I just need to love them through this and in time, it will be ok. But what do I do to not lose my mind, turn into a screaming banshee as my oldest son puts it and to help this situation to not cause trauma to my own children. I hate watching Kara suck her thumb all day long because she is having a hard time with all the upheaval this causes. To me, it's not a simple answer. It's hard, complicated and full of emotion. It's living life in the mucky-muck. It's crying out to God for help because I am so very weak and He is my light in this darkness.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Merry Christmas
Can you believe the whirlwind of Christmas is already over. It seems like from Thanksgiving on, there is such a flurry of activity (or maybe that's just my children bouncing off the walls) that by the time Christmas is over, I kind of feel like there is something missing. I wish you could hang on to the Christmas excitement and wonder but I suppose you do need some down time. Maybe I wouldn't like it if the kids were going bonkers all the time. We'd never get an ounce of a sane moment. Boy, I just slapped myself back to reality. I do value my sanity...highly.
When I look around my living room, it shows that Christmas did indeed happen. It may look like a tornado hit but I'm sure it was just the most exciting holiday of the year crash landing right here before me.
We had such a fun time watching the kids open all their gifts. Kara was such a cute little thing to watch as she tore threw that wrapping paper to find what was underneath it. She's a maniac when it comes to opening gifts. None of this gentle tearing of the paper for her.
Sharlene was so fun to watch too. She thought that every gift she got was for her birthday. It kind of reminded me of the cartoon movie, Frosty the Snowman, when he says Happy Birthday every time the magic hat sits on his head. I'm still not sure she understood that they were for Christmas. I'm sure she'll catch on pretty quick. The other kids will fill her in on how it works.
We had a couple special blessings happen this year. Some ladies from my Mom's church blessed our family with gifts. As the packages were opened with glee, it was as if God helped them pick out each item. Aaron exclaimed, "How did they know I wanted these!" We also received some other wonderful gifts that hold me speechless. God blessed us beyond anything I ever imagined.
That's what Christmas is about. Sharing God's love. It may be in the form of a gift, it may be in the form of a hug, or a note. We truly saw God's love through so many different avenues this Christmas. I pray that your heart, too, has the opportunity to see HIS love in action. It's so amazing.
When I look around my living room, it shows that Christmas did indeed happen. It may look like a tornado hit but I'm sure it was just the most exciting holiday of the year crash landing right here before me.
We had such a fun time watching the kids open all their gifts. Kara was such a cute little thing to watch as she tore threw that wrapping paper to find what was underneath it. She's a maniac when it comes to opening gifts. None of this gentle tearing of the paper for her.
Sharlene was so fun to watch too. She thought that every gift she got was for her birthday. It kind of reminded me of the cartoon movie, Frosty the Snowman, when he says Happy Birthday every time the magic hat sits on his head. I'm still not sure she understood that they were for Christmas. I'm sure she'll catch on pretty quick. The other kids will fill her in on how it works.
We had a couple special blessings happen this year. Some ladies from my Mom's church blessed our family with gifts. As the packages were opened with glee, it was as if God helped them pick out each item. Aaron exclaimed, "How did they know I wanted these!" We also received some other wonderful gifts that hold me speechless. God blessed us beyond anything I ever imagined.
That's what Christmas is about. Sharing God's love. It may be in the form of a gift, it may be in the form of a hug, or a note. We truly saw God's love through so many different avenues this Christmas. I pray that your heart, too, has the opportunity to see HIS love in action. It's so amazing.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Raw Honesty
It's interesting how God reveals himself. I was feeling very discouraged with Sharlene and Barbara and the diagnosis we had been given from the mental health facility. Actually, to be truthful, I was feeling quite angry. God doesn't promise that the things he asks of us are going to easy or that if we are willing to be obedient, that he'll just reach down and make the road free of debris. Sometimes it's just plain ol' h-a-r-d. Sometimes, when He asks us to do something, disappointment and frustration appear because it's not quite what we had in mind. Expectations. But I expected....well..no, maybe I didn't know what to expect but I didn't know what we as a family would go through or the emotions that this experience would reveal in myself.
Have you ever been in a situation that reveals your character in the mirror and you don't like what you see? That's me. I've seen selfishness, irritation, a lack of mercy and forgiveness and where or wherefore art thou, my compassion? I have to ask God every day for forgiveness of my attitude and my selfish desire to be done with such a hard task. The desire of my heart is to be full of compassion, quick to be merciful and forgiving, tender-hearted. To, without question, be obedient to what God has placed in my care. So why, even though my mind knows what to do, is it so incredibly hard to get the rest of me in agreement.
So I'm sitting in church a couple weeks ago listening to the sermon which seemed to be only for me. A couple points still haunt me today. You have to get out of your house or your cushy life and let God use you for a hurting world which include something dear to God's heart, orphans. Could you go to heaven knowing you turned that opportunity down?
I happened to get a email which was from Dr. Dobson's site. It was on orphans and how precious they are to God.
I sat down to watch a Christmas movie. Care to take a guess what it ended up being about? Yep...taking on the care of three orphans.
Ok, so I get it, God! You've got my attention.
God wants us to continue caring for our two little orphan girls no matter what the struggles bring daily. He doesn't want me to have clarity in this situation yet but instead, He wants me to just have faith and trust in Him to work this all out. He keeps reminding me of this whenever I turn the radio on or I happen to drive by a billboard.
He promises to not give us more than we can handle and always provides an open window when it gets to be more than we can bear. In this situation, the words....'you are that window for Sharlene and Barbara' have been whispered in my ear and in my heart. How can I argue with that?
Have you ever been in a situation that reveals your character in the mirror and you don't like what you see? That's me. I've seen selfishness, irritation, a lack of mercy and forgiveness and where or wherefore art thou, my compassion? I have to ask God every day for forgiveness of my attitude and my selfish desire to be done with such a hard task. The desire of my heart is to be full of compassion, quick to be merciful and forgiving, tender-hearted. To, without question, be obedient to what God has placed in my care. So why, even though my mind knows what to do, is it so incredibly hard to get the rest of me in agreement.
So I'm sitting in church a couple weeks ago listening to the sermon which seemed to be only for me. A couple points still haunt me today. You have to get out of your house or your cushy life and let God use you for a hurting world which include something dear to God's heart, orphans. Could you go to heaven knowing you turned that opportunity down?
I happened to get a email which was from Dr. Dobson's site. It was on orphans and how precious they are to God.
I sat down to watch a Christmas movie. Care to take a guess what it ended up being about? Yep...taking on the care of three orphans.
Ok, so I get it, God! You've got my attention.
God wants us to continue caring for our two little orphan girls no matter what the struggles bring daily. He doesn't want me to have clarity in this situation yet but instead, He wants me to just have faith and trust in Him to work this all out. He keeps reminding me of this whenever I turn the radio on or I happen to drive by a billboard.
He promises to not give us more than we can handle and always provides an open window when it gets to be more than we can bear. In this situation, the words....'you are that window for Sharlene and Barbara' have been whispered in my ear and in my heart. How can I argue with that?
Friday, November 16, 2007
Fetal Alcohol Syndrome....Reactive Attachment Disorder....Huh??
Why would you ever want to foster parent?
When we decided to take on the responsibility of fostering two little girls who happen to be cousins, we had no idea where that road was going to take us. We knew they were coming from neglect and filth and that it was in no certain terms going to be an easy road. But as time goes on, more and more information is coming to light, some I can talk about and some I cannot.
It has been a very rough five weeks. In the first couple weeks of their arrival, things were tough transitionally but we were mentally prepared with the thoughts of it will get better with lots of love and consistency with them. In their own home, Barbara was the favorite and Sharlene was caged up most of the time due to her unruly behavior and hyperactivity.
As time has gone on and they have become more comfortable in our home, some very interesting things have come to the surface. They both are hurtful to themselves to get attention. They will throw themselves off of furniture onto the floor in hopes of getting attention. They will purposely gouge their cheek and blame it on another person. They can be playing nicely and then out of the blue, scream bloody murder like someone is beating the snot out of them, and then turn around and blame one of our other children.
They both have a fascination with fire on the stove. They know what 'hot' is but yet are drawn to touch a burning hot pan anyway. When I'm cooking, I have to stand guard of the stove so they will not hurt themselves.
They eat until I put limits on their food. For instance, Sharlene had three corn dogs, chips and some apple and wanted more. I told her that I thought that was plenty for now and she threw herself on the floor in a crying meltdown. After she had calmed down, I caught her rummaging through the garbage can eating what she found there. They will both take and eat Kara's food off her tray in the highchair or in her seat. They eat food out of the couch or anywhere they find it.
There is so much more I could tell you about it but until you see it in action, it's hard to grasp hold off. When you are sitting here and something happens, you find yourself asking....is this really happening? Did this really just happen? It's surreal.
After guarding the garbage can, the stove and keeping a constant eye on all the kids all of the time to make sure everyone stays safe, I have asked myself many times, why would people willingly sign themselves up for all this fun? Even though, we aren't receiving aid, I know it's available for those who are licensed but from what I hear, it's not enough to live on so I know it can't be for the money. So I ask....What would possess a person to willingly want to do this?
I know the reason we did it was to share what love we have with two neglected little girls. But it's been one of the hardest things, I've ever had to do.
This past week, I took them to the community mental health facility for an almost three hour evaluation. At the end, the therapist sat me down in her office and said to me, "Do you realize what you've gotten yourself into?" All I could do is blink. She said that they believe Sharlene has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and that both girls are exhibiting symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder. Both are awful. Those little girls who are two and three are very messed up mentally and emotionally.
I came away from there discouraged and in tears. I've been told that it's going to take a lot of specialized training and individual care to work with the girls and that it's not something that ever really goes away. I've also been told to watch my children like a hawk because they could be in danger. How did offering to help to little innocent children turn into such a horrific mess?
I know that God is bigger than all of this. That He, in His power, can reach down and heal these little girls. We are praying for that very thing. Right now, I'm having a hard time seeing past my overwhelmed, ill-equipped and exhausted state, to even think about tomorrow.
It has been a very rough five weeks. In the first couple weeks of their arrival, things were tough transitionally but we were mentally prepared with the thoughts of it will get better with lots of love and consistency with them. In their own home, Barbara was the favorite and Sharlene was caged up most of the time due to her unruly behavior and hyperactivity.
As time has gone on and they have become more comfortable in our home, some very interesting things have come to the surface. They both are hurtful to themselves to get attention. They will throw themselves off of furniture onto the floor in hopes of getting attention. They will purposely gouge their cheek and blame it on another person. They can be playing nicely and then out of the blue, scream bloody murder like someone is beating the snot out of them, and then turn around and blame one of our other children.
They both have a fascination with fire on the stove. They know what 'hot' is but yet are drawn to touch a burning hot pan anyway. When I'm cooking, I have to stand guard of the stove so they will not hurt themselves.
They eat until I put limits on their food. For instance, Sharlene had three corn dogs, chips and some apple and wanted more. I told her that I thought that was plenty for now and she threw herself on the floor in a crying meltdown. After she had calmed down, I caught her rummaging through the garbage can eating what she found there. They will both take and eat Kara's food off her tray in the highchair or in her seat. They eat food out of the couch or anywhere they find it.
There is so much more I could tell you about it but until you see it in action, it's hard to grasp hold off. When you are sitting here and something happens, you find yourself asking....is this really happening? Did this really just happen? It's surreal.
After guarding the garbage can, the stove and keeping a constant eye on all the kids all of the time to make sure everyone stays safe, I have asked myself many times, why would people willingly sign themselves up for all this fun? Even though, we aren't receiving aid, I know it's available for those who are licensed but from what I hear, it's not enough to live on so I know it can't be for the money. So I ask....What would possess a person to willingly want to do this?
I know the reason we did it was to share what love we have with two neglected little girls. But it's been one of the hardest things, I've ever had to do.
This past week, I took them to the community mental health facility for an almost three hour evaluation. At the end, the therapist sat me down in her office and said to me, "Do you realize what you've gotten yourself into?" All I could do is blink. She said that they believe Sharlene has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and that both girls are exhibiting symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder. Both are awful. Those little girls who are two and three are very messed up mentally and emotionally.
I came away from there discouraged and in tears. I've been told that it's going to take a lot of specialized training and individual care to work with the girls and that it's not something that ever really goes away. I've also been told to watch my children like a hawk because they could be in danger. How did offering to help to little innocent children turn into such a horrific mess?
I know that God is bigger than all of this. That He, in His power, can reach down and heal these little girls. We are praying for that very thing. Right now, I'm having a hard time seeing past my overwhelmed, ill-equipped and exhausted state, to even think about tomorrow.
Friday, November 02, 2007
One Early Morning...
It was early Sunday morning before I heard the birds chirping or the vibrations of seven little pairs of feet running back and forth and up and down. It was still dark and I was desperately trying to soak in all the sleep I could get since I had not gone to sleep until well after 3 am due to this cough that is driving me to sleepless nights. As I laid there, I began to feel little fingers trying to tickle my feet. Then it would stop and I would hear soft giggling.
After the grogginess started lifting from my overtired brain, I realized it was Aaron. He was having himself a good ol' time. I looked over to the clock and realized that it was ten minutes before six. I slammed my head back on the pillow with an big sigh and a huge uggghhh. I tried coaxing this delightful child back to bed or to lay beside me but he insisted on continuing in his fun. I don't find much humor in my feet being tickled at that time of morning but he didn't seem to care.
As I was trying to ignore him, another child came in my room. Grace came to inform me that Sharlene was screaming her head off. She needed to go to the bathroom and wouldn't let Grace help her. So Grace came to let me know that it was too late for anyone to help her to the bathroom but that they did need someone to clean up the mess that was made.
I don't know why but my husband was able to sleep through all this. Perhaps, he was trying to fool me because I don't think he could have missed all the sighing that was coming from my mouth or the muttering that was going on about how this was not the way to wake a mother up and expect her to be in a good mood that day.
I managed to get myself downstairs, clean up the mess, change the sheets, get dry clothes for the dear child without too much trouble. But by the time all this occurred, Sharlene was over her trauma, Barbara was up due to the screaming, Aaron was up because he just gets up early and now I see Ryan trucking down the stairs with a hi...mom. Irritation was entering my soul.
I began to ask myself, why do these children get up so early? Don't they realize I'm so very tired? Why can't they just get up and use the bathroom like other people in this family. Don't they know when it's still dark outside, one must stay in bed?? Are you getting the feel for my grumpiness? It's a good thing their giggles, their hugs and the love that emits from them is wrapped around my heart. It melts this old grinches heart into a puddle of mush.
At that point, I defeatedly gave in. They were running around playing while the vibrations revved up to the usual daily hum. I figured that any thoughts of sleep/possibility of my going back to bed were gone for the morning. Besides, I needed to gear myself up for the adventure's in church that was to be had that day. Watch out world, here we come!
After the grogginess started lifting from my overtired brain, I realized it was Aaron. He was having himself a good ol' time. I looked over to the clock and realized that it was ten minutes before six. I slammed my head back on the pillow with an big sigh and a huge uggghhh. I tried coaxing this delightful child back to bed or to lay beside me but he insisted on continuing in his fun. I don't find much humor in my feet being tickled at that time of morning but he didn't seem to care.
As I was trying to ignore him, another child came in my room. Grace came to inform me that Sharlene was screaming her head off. She needed to go to the bathroom and wouldn't let Grace help her. So Grace came to let me know that it was too late for anyone to help her to the bathroom but that they did need someone to clean up the mess that was made.
I don't know why but my husband was able to sleep through all this. Perhaps, he was trying to fool me because I don't think he could have missed all the sighing that was coming from my mouth or the muttering that was going on about how this was not the way to wake a mother up and expect her to be in a good mood that day.
I managed to get myself downstairs, clean up the mess, change the sheets, get dry clothes for the dear child without too much trouble. But by the time all this occurred, Sharlene was over her trauma, Barbara was up due to the screaming, Aaron was up because he just gets up early and now I see Ryan trucking down the stairs with a hi...mom. Irritation was entering my soul.
I began to ask myself, why do these children get up so early? Don't they realize I'm so very tired? Why can't they just get up and use the bathroom like other people in this family. Don't they know when it's still dark outside, one must stay in bed?? Are you getting the feel for my grumpiness? It's a good thing their giggles, their hugs and the love that emits from them is wrapped around my heart. It melts this old grinches heart into a puddle of mush.
At that point, I defeatedly gave in. They were running around playing while the vibrations revved up to the usual daily hum. I figured that any thoughts of sleep/possibility of my going back to bed were gone for the morning. Besides, I needed to gear myself up for the adventure's in church that was to be had that day. Watch out world, here we come!
Friday, October 26, 2007
Another Trip to the doctor
Our day was started off on a run today. We had a doctors appointment for four out of seven kids scheduled for 9:30. We are about 20-25 minutes from the office and they told me to get their early since I had lots of paperwork to fill out for Barbara and Sharlene. At 8:10, I woke up from my slumber to the sounds of lots of laughter and what it sounded like to be children jumping on their older brother who had been sleeping only moments before. I think the yelling from the older brother to get off of him is what really woke me up.
After it dawned on me that the time was indeed what it was, I jolted from my bed. I had to get four kids up, fed and dressed in about 30 minutes time. Thank goodness, I have slave labor...a 12 year old and a 10 year old. Grace helped me get them ready and I sent Brad out to the van to get their car seats situated since we had to switch cars do to the fact that the 'burb' is in the shop having a certain dent and some scratches repaired (it's a sore spot which I won't go into but I will say that it involved a couple men who decided to go bahaing through a swamp). Upon unloading the children from the van at the doctors office, I found out that the car seats where in the upright position and the girls were in fact buckled in their seats but they were NOT buckled down from behind making them glorified deluxe booster seats that you have when you are dining not driving. >Sigh< I'm glad Brad buckled them in but I guess I assumed he would know they needed to be attached to the seat by the seatbelt. My fault completely. I should have realized that I needed to download thorough instructions from my brain and have uploaded them to the kids the night before.
I get to the check in counter and they give me all the paperwork to fill out. I updated Kara and Ryan's record to show that we are currently cash paying customers which they repeated back to me a few times to make sure they understood. I felt like we were on exhibit. I'm sure there are lots of other people who are also cash paying customers. I didn't think this was something odd or abnormal. They were kind enough to tell me that if I was on their 'prompt pay' program (meaning you pay right then and there before you leave the office) that I would receive a 10% discount. I guess that could add up to a wonderful discount in our family. We reserved the 'suite' there at the doctors office so we had room to turn around...well, some of us turned around, other's sat in the chair thoroughly exhausted from what she went through to get everyone there and then chasing after them around the waiting room pulling them off of chairs which they thought they were suppose to climb on.
The doctor came in and checked all four of them and informed me they all needed to be on antibiotics. Since Aaron was in earlier this week and now these four, this virus is making the rounds. I am also not feeling that great but it seems to have hit my throat mostly making me hoarse. It's never good to loose your yelling voice. How can I properly yell at those little darlings? They can't even hear me amongst the noise level in our home.....it's just not fair! After the doctor left the room and I managed to get these cute little lambs to the counter to check out, I handed what paperwork I have on the girls from the social worker for them to make a copy of for their file. As we are waiting for that to take place, the kids were busy checking out the blood pressure machine, the bathroom, the different offices, climbing on the chairs...working me into a sweat. Of course, while the nurse was making the copies, the copy machine decided to jam up and it took them an eternity (at least, that is what it seemed like to me) to get it unjammed. At this point, my patience level is wanning big time so I lined them all up against the counter stressing that they needed to sit and not get up. This was not in line with their thinking which sent a couple of them into a crying fit. I thought, oh great! Just Perfect. After the crying came to a halt and the little halo's appeared, one of the nurses came down the hall seeing these cutie pies sitting all in a row, exclaiming how cute they were....and for being so very good for their mama, they each got stickers. I thought to myself, where is my sticker? Shouldn't mother's be offered a sticker? It's a lot of work to get them to sit all cute in a row. I thought that was quite an accomplishment. But no sticker for me. All I can do is wait for the sticker to be forgotten about or find it laying on the floor, stuck to my shoe or detach it from the wall and gently place it on my shirt while telling myself...what a good job I did today. I was very glad when it was time to go.....all that was going through my head after they were all clicked in their car seats correctly, was.......
After it dawned on me that the time was indeed what it was, I jolted from my bed. I had to get four kids up, fed and dressed in about 30 minutes time. Thank goodness, I have slave labor...a 12 year old and a 10 year old. Grace helped me get them ready and I sent Brad out to the van to get their car seats situated since we had to switch cars do to the fact that the 'burb' is in the shop having a certain dent and some scratches repaired (it's a sore spot which I won't go into but I will say that it involved a couple men who decided to go bahaing through a swamp). Upon unloading the children from the van at the doctors office, I found out that the car seats where in the upright position and the girls were in fact buckled in their seats but they were NOT buckled down from behind making them glorified deluxe booster seats that you have when you are dining not driving. >Sigh< I'm glad Brad buckled them in but I guess I assumed he would know they needed to be attached to the seat by the seatbelt. My fault completely. I should have realized that I needed to download thorough instructions from my brain and have uploaded them to the kids the night before.
I get to the check in counter and they give me all the paperwork to fill out. I updated Kara and Ryan's record to show that we are currently cash paying customers which they repeated back to me a few times to make sure they understood. I felt like we were on exhibit. I'm sure there are lots of other people who are also cash paying customers. I didn't think this was something odd or abnormal. They were kind enough to tell me that if I was on their 'prompt pay' program (meaning you pay right then and there before you leave the office) that I would receive a 10% discount. I guess that could add up to a wonderful discount in our family. We reserved the 'suite' there at the doctors office so we had room to turn around...well, some of us turned around, other's sat in the chair thoroughly exhausted from what she went through to get everyone there and then chasing after them around the waiting room pulling them off of chairs which they thought they were suppose to climb on.
The doctor came in and checked all four of them and informed me they all needed to be on antibiotics. Since Aaron was in earlier this week and now these four, this virus is making the rounds. I am also not feeling that great but it seems to have hit my throat mostly making me hoarse. It's never good to loose your yelling voice. How can I properly yell at those little darlings? They can't even hear me amongst the noise level in our home.....it's just not fair! After the doctor left the room and I managed to get these cute little lambs to the counter to check out, I handed what paperwork I have on the girls from the social worker for them to make a copy of for their file. As we are waiting for that to take place, the kids were busy checking out the blood pressure machine, the bathroom, the different offices, climbing on the chairs...working me into a sweat. Of course, while the nurse was making the copies, the copy machine decided to jam up and it took them an eternity (at least, that is what it seemed like to me) to get it unjammed. At this point, my patience level is wanning big time so I lined them all up against the counter stressing that they needed to sit and not get up. This was not in line with their thinking which sent a couple of them into a crying fit. I thought, oh great! Just Perfect. After the crying came to a halt and the little halo's appeared, one of the nurses came down the hall seeing these cutie pies sitting all in a row, exclaiming how cute they were....and for being so very good for their mama, they each got stickers. I thought to myself, where is my sticker? Shouldn't mother's be offered a sticker? It's a lot of work to get them to sit all cute in a row. I thought that was quite an accomplishment. But no sticker for me. All I can do is wait for the sticker to be forgotten about or find it laying on the floor, stuck to my shoe or detach it from the wall and gently place it on my shirt while telling myself...what a good job I did today. I was very glad when it was time to go.....all that was going through my head after they were all clicked in their car seats correctly, was.......
I survived and am still able to talk about it!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
A Day Of Hope
We were scheduled to go on a field trip today which we ended up having to cancel. Instead, I took our three year old on a trip to the doctor. He woke up screaming in the middle of the night in so much pain that he couldn't sleep. This morning I noticed some blood-tinged fluid dripping from his ear. I thought to myself, uh oh, I bet his eardrum ruptured. So off to the doctor we went. He confirmed my suspicions and prescribed antibiotic ear drops. The doctor assured me that it would heal and he would be fine. In his 25 years of doctoring, he's only had one case where they actually had to do surgery to repair it. We are praying that he will heal quickly and that he's not in too much pain for too long.....bubblegum flavored motrin is our friend.
Kara, Sharlene and Barbara are also under the weather and I'll be making a second trip to see the good ol' doc on Friday. I've arranged to reserve the suite and inquired, once again, for our reserved parking space. The nurses just smile and nod. I'm sure I'm not the only mother who thinks they spend the better part of their Fall going back and forth to the doctor but it's quite an event for me. I can think of a zillion other things I'd rather spend my time doing...laundry, laundry, and more laundry....dishes, dishes and more dishes and did I mention the laundry????
My other kids were quite irritated that we had to cancel our fun trip today. It's hard to get them to understand that making someone who is really not feeling well tromp around is just not fun-making memories for them or me. I must tell you, that inspite of their disappointment today, they did survive.
Grace played dress-up with Sharlene and Barbara. Sharlene was her magic assistant for her magic show. I think Sharlene wasn't sure what that was especially when Grace kept putting the blanket over her head to make her disappear. Sharlene did like getting dressed up though and was prancing through the house in her gorgeous outfit.
Bob and I both have been working on Sharlene's communication skills (along with all the other little mommies and daddies here). We are pretty lovingly firm about asking correctly and we don't encourage the baby talk that both Sharlene and Barbara have been use to. We were encouraged today when we noticed that Sharlene actually said some clear words. She said 'outside' and 'bear' and she's getting better about not grunting and pointing to things she wants. I really didn't expect anything to really be different for awhile but we will take it!
We also noticed that Barbara is feeling more confident today. She is playing off with the other kids and not attached to Sharlene so much. They've even slowed down their synchronized peeing which I'm totally excited about because that alone will wear you out. Good thing we have lots of helpers here. After watching some of the changes that are coming, I've formed my opinion about Sharlene needing speech therapy. I personally don't think she really needs it. What I do think she needs is to be made to speak properly and not accept her baby talk. She needs lots of love and reassurance and she needs boundaries. All of which take lots of energy to provide and consistency. However, we are required to take her to see a speech therapist and we will do as they ask but if there is any possibility of just keeping her here and working with her ourselves, I would love that. She really likes to do little projects. I am using the Kumon books which work great for that.
Even though we have sick kids and I'm worn out from that, it's been a pretty good day. We were also excited to see that the effects of the visitation seemed to have dissipated today. The girls were able to play well and Sharlene only complained twice that her stomach hurt. We've seen some encouraging things today. Tomorrow we may be back to square one but at least, I've seen some baby steps and I know it's there.
Kara, Sharlene and Barbara are also under the weather and I'll be making a second trip to see the good ol' doc on Friday. I've arranged to reserve the suite and inquired, once again, for our reserved parking space. The nurses just smile and nod. I'm sure I'm not the only mother who thinks they spend the better part of their Fall going back and forth to the doctor but it's quite an event for me. I can think of a zillion other things I'd rather spend my time doing...laundry, laundry, and more laundry....dishes, dishes and more dishes and did I mention the laundry????
My other kids were quite irritated that we had to cancel our fun trip today. It's hard to get them to understand that making someone who is really not feeling well tromp around is just not fun-making memories for them or me. I must tell you, that inspite of their disappointment today, they did survive.
Grace played dress-up with Sharlene and Barbara. Sharlene was her magic assistant for her magic show. I think Sharlene wasn't sure what that was especially when Grace kept putting the blanket over her head to make her disappear. Sharlene did like getting dressed up though and was prancing through the house in her gorgeous outfit.
Bob and I both have been working on Sharlene's communication skills (along with all the other little mommies and daddies here). We are pretty lovingly firm about asking correctly and we don't encourage the baby talk that both Sharlene and Barbara have been use to. We were encouraged today when we noticed that Sharlene actually said some clear words. She said 'outside' and 'bear' and she's getting better about not grunting and pointing to things she wants. I really didn't expect anything to really be different for awhile but we will take it!We also noticed that Barbara is feeling more confident today. She is playing off with the other kids and not attached to Sharlene so much. They've even slowed down their synchronized peeing which I'm totally excited about because that alone will wear you out. Good thing we have lots of helpers here. After watching some of the changes that are coming, I've formed my opinion about Sharlene needing speech therapy. I personally don't think she really needs it. What I do think she needs is to be made to speak properly and not accept her baby talk. She needs lots of love and reassurance and she needs boundaries. All of which take lots of energy to provide and consistency. However, we are required to take her to see a speech therapist and we will do as they ask but if there is any possibility of just keeping her here and working with her ourselves, I would love that. She really likes to do little projects. I am using the Kumon books which work great for that.
Even though we have sick kids and I'm worn out from that, it's been a pretty good day. We were also excited to see that the effects of the visitation seemed to have dissipated today. The girls were able to play well and Sharlene only complained twice that her stomach hurt. We've seen some encouraging things today. Tomorrow we may be back to square one but at least, I've seen some baby steps and I know it's there.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
A Beautiful Fall Day
What a beautiful fall day we've had. I don't just say this because the kids played outside all day long! It was warm and sunny and absolutely wonderful.
Grandpa and Grandma came over to see Sharlene and Barbara yesterday. I don't think they remembered them because they didn't come running. Barbara just sat and stared at Grandma not making a sound. She is so serious. Sharlene did warm up pretty quickly especially when Grandpa had her upside down.
Bob had all the kids doing some yard work today. Just wait till we start raking the leaves....I can see it now....big pile of leaves and then, poof! we are starting all over again. Oh, the memories it's gonna create! I think we'll not think about that right now since I'm all worn out from giving all the dirty little children baths. That was alot of work! My bathroom is flooded because it was fun to splash each other including Mommy. I need a 'Warning! Wet Floor!' sign so that Bob and I will not forget and fall whacking our heads on the bathtub leaving us with amnesia. Then they would be free to overtake the world.
Grandpa and Grandma came over to see Sharlene and Barbara yesterday. I don't think they remembered them because they didn't come running. Barbara just sat and stared at Grandma not making a sound. She is so serious. Sharlene did warm up pretty quickly especially when Grandpa had her upside down.
Bob had all the kids doing some yard work today. Just wait till we start raking the leaves....I can see it now....big pile of leaves and then, poof! we are starting all over again. Oh, the memories it's gonna create! I think we'll not think about that right now since I'm all worn out from giving all the dirty little children baths. That was alot of work! My bathroom is flooded because it was fun to splash each other including Mommy. I need a 'Warning! Wet Floor!' sign so that Bob and I will not forget and fall whacking our heads on the bathtub leaving us with amnesia. Then they would be free to overtake the world.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
A Bit Of Honesty
Today has been a really long day. I knew when we decided to take on the care of these two beautiful girls, that it was not going to be easy. Even so, I'm feeling a bit discouraged. To my friends who have been down this road before, I am so very grateful for your encouraging words and for your wisdom in this situation. You truly are invaluable to me :-)Sharlene is feeling much more comfortable and is showing us that through various ways. She yells, screams, hits and pushes her way into whoever's attention she is wanting. Honestly, I felt like it was a constant fight with her today and I feel drained from that struggle. She spends many moments in time out. It's like trying to break in a wild horse. You don't want to break the spirit but need to mold it gently. I wonder how long it might take before she learns her boundaries and settles into it. Maybe I don't want to know that....one day at a time probably needs to be my perspective.
She is so attention starved and clings to me or my husband from the time we get up till she goes to bed. We are trying to give her lots of hugs and attention but their are also boundaries within that. I tried to take a shower yesterday which sent her into a fit. She kept throwing herself at the door, kicking it and screaming at it wanting to come in. Hopefully, she'll not do that too often. It wasn't a pleasant experience.
Barbara is very quiet. She putters about here and there. She doesn't really come near anybody but will sit on your lap if you ask her. If you ask her if she wants to get down, she promptly jumps off. She seems to need to do everything that Sharlene does not necessarily because she has to/wants to but because that is how she's been trained. For example, if she's just gone to the bathroom one second beforehand and sees that Sharlene is headed for it, she has this need to go again. I've never seen anything like it. I don't know if I'm explaining this very well but it's almost like its robotic. I'm hoping that eventually the individuality will come out and we'll see each of them acting as their own person.When the girls were with their mother on Monday, she seemed very nurturing to them in the short time I was there to pick them up. I know that it's easier to be that way when you are only with them for an hour and haven't seen them for a bit but I wonder how she was with them before they were removed from the home. When you see that, it's hard to get your brain to wrap around the issues at hand. Sharlene has Early Childhood Development Delay putting her cognitive, social, emotional, communication levels around 18 months and I see some signs in Barbara but not as prevalent as in her sister.
I'm not regretting our decision nor am I surprised at what we are dealing with. After talking with the social worker, we both knew what we were up against. We also know that God called us both to do this. He never promises that the road He calls us to will be sunny beaches or warm breezes. Therefore, I know God will give us what we need to help these girls grow into healthy, happy children while they are with us.
I know that God can heal the emotional damage that is done and will replace it with security and love that only he can give. It's the time in between, the time where the molding is taking place, the mental energy that it requires on a daily basis, that I desperately need His strength for.
If you think about it, I would really be grateful for your prayers. It's emotionally draining to constantly be fighting with a child who desperately needs love and to still have some left over for your other children who also need their mother.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Our First Day of Visitation
Today was the first day of visitation after having the girls here this weekend. My friend, Shelly, has been through this with her own foster kids that she ended up adopting as their own. She's been a wealth of information, support and encouragement. It's good to have friends who know what you are going through! God put her there for a number of reasons and I believe this is one of them.
Bob took the girls into the DHS where their Mom was waiting for them. They were very excited to see her. We, then, took the rest of us to McDonalds for a snack and to Arby's for Bob and I to have lunch. We had an hour to blow. It went pretty quickly.
Sharlene is feeling more comfortable in our home, I think. She's started mouthing off and having some behavioral issues. I knew it would come but I was hoping we had a few more days! We didn't get a whole lot of school done today as she was purposely trying to cause issues to get attention. We will have to work on that.
The girls cried just a bit when we left the DHS today. It seems to be particularly hard on Sharlene. She was acting up quite a bit this evening and then didn't go to bed really well because she wanted her mama. It just tears your heart out knowing how heartbroken they are and not being able to fix it.
Their Mom told me she's doing everything they are asking her to do so that the girls can come back home soon. It's just all very sad.
Bob took the girls into the DHS where their Mom was waiting for them. They were very excited to see her. We, then, took the rest of us to McDonalds for a snack and to Arby's for Bob and I to have lunch. We had an hour to blow. It went pretty quickly.
Sharlene is feeling more comfortable in our home, I think. She's started mouthing off and having some behavioral issues. I knew it would come but I was hoping we had a few more days! We didn't get a whole lot of school done today as she was purposely trying to cause issues to get attention. We will have to work on that.
The girls cried just a bit when we left the DHS today. It seems to be particularly hard on Sharlene. She was acting up quite a bit this evening and then didn't go to bed really well because she wanted her mama. It just tears your heart out knowing how heartbroken they are and not being able to fix it.
Their Mom told me she's doing everything they are asking her to do so that the girls can come back home soon. It's just all very sad.
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