Healing hearts

I didn't post a whole lot last year for a couple of reasons. The first reason was that we were in the process of having to move since the owners of the house we were renting were selling it. It's not always easy trying to find a house that will fit everybody's needs and still fit into your budget!

We spent a lot of time praying for God's direction for this and saw His hand move time and time again from house to house. The answer mostly was the closed door. This can be discouraging after a time especially when faced with a time factor. Why does panic always set in when we are faced with the midnight hour? God promises to provide. He promises never to leave us or forsake us and yet, I find myself grasping onto the panic and not the promise.

God opened the doors wide open to a house not anywhere where we were originally looking and certainly not what I was expecting. When He moves, He MOVES. He moved us to a beautiful, big house in the country. It has been such a blessing to us and continues to be. God's ways are always way more than what we can imagine if we allow Him to work. Every morning when I look out the window, I am just again awed at what He has done and oh, so thankful for His graciousness to us!

The second reason for my absence in posting is in all that we've gone through in the past five years, we've taken tons of criticism and all out lies/gossip for the decisions we've made and for what is happening in our lives. This does not encourage one to open up about oneself but instead to pull in and be silent. This isn't always a good way to handle it and I admit that perhaps it's not the healthiest of ways either. I've been really concentrating on asking God to heal my wounded heart and to help me with forgiveness. It's hard. It's really, really hard.

I don't really understand why people don't believe the best in you especially when your past history shows your integrity, your love for God and how you live your life. Ever since Bob got sick, we've spent much time on our knees before God seeking His will and how to proceed. Sometimes, you don't get direct answers and it's a process of putting one foot in front of the other, praying the whole time that you are doing the right thing. We are human and we ALL make mistakes. Not one of us will do everything right. The hardest thing is when the people closest to you, no longer are there with support but words of criticism and betrayal. That is heart-wrenchingly wounding.

This makes me think how very much we, God's precious creation, must grieve His heart with our actions, with our words, with the yuckiness that we allow in our hearts. It helps me to remember to try my hardest to not kick a man when he's at his lowest point but to offer words of comfort, to not stand by and watch the suffering if there is anything I can do. To always be on alert for others who are hurting is something that has been on my heart. Suffering will do that. It will make you more sensitive to others or it will make you a hard, bitter person. It's your choice.

Thirdly, when you move to the country and there are lots and lots of trees, your internet options are limited. We do have internet but it is sporadic and sometimes not too reliable. I find that we have to take trips to local 'hot spots' to try to download stuff that is important. I guess it's a trade off....beautiful nature to enjoy for your high speed internet.

Life would be boring without all these obstacles and challenges, right?? God sure has a way of using what you are going through whether it be internet challenges or people challenges to work out issues within your own heart. I am grateful that He sees fit to think I'm worthy enough to want to make me into what He has in mind for me.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare^[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope!

Living with Chronic Pain...

It's hard to know what to say. We are struggling. Some days are tough to get through. Some days are not so tough. Mostly I just feel helpless.

Bob has been through test after test after test, treatment after treatment, after treatment. The doctors are scratching their heads at the results. Nothing is really coming back with anything that is explaining the debilitating pain that he is in daily. The only real evidence is that he has eleven damaged disks in his back which were not giving him trouble till he started physical therapy last Fall. It doesn't explain the pain he experiences day to day in other places for the last three and a half years.

This last treatment they tried was to see if they could do a nerve ablation. In order to do that, they injected steroid shots in the area where they thought would be the nerves that were giving him the most trouble. It didn't work as the doctors suspected since the previous steroid shot treatment didn't work earlier this year.

From what we understand at this point is that what the doctors are suspecting is that when Bob had his gall bladder surgery, it disrupted his nervous system for whatever reason and now it is just misfiring. They see this in some people who have had surgery. It leaves them in debilitating pain. You just don't know how your body is going to react to a surgery.

This debilitating chronic pain could morph into a fibromyalgia state which we've kind of seen. His pain started in the gall bladder area and ran along that nerve that runs across the bottom of your rib cage to pain in his back, pain in his arms, pain in his sides. It's just pain....awful, awful pain. He wakes with pain, sleeps (when he can) with pain, eats with pain, lives with pain. It never ever goes away.

The deeply disappointing news is that there is no cure for it. For Bob, this means a life of pain management. We knew it could be a possibility but still held onto hope that there would be something they could do to fix it so that he could have some relief. It is a devastating blow to hear the reality that that is not going to be the case. That for the rest of his life we are going to be living with this. I say 'we' because this doesn't just affect him, it affects our whole family.

It affects how we start our day, how we do things, how we go places, how we go to bed for the night, it affects everything and every moment of our day as a family. It is hard for people to understand as it isn't something you can see until it builds up to a debilitating level which it does throughout the day based on his activity level or just because. Sometimes he crawls into the house after being somewhere because I can't carry him. Sometimes, he can't cut up his food, pour his coffee or take a shower. It's a very humiliating state to be in.

In spite of our recent eviction notice, our recent denial of disability for the second time, and facing the recent reality that this isn't curable, we are holding onto God, the One who created our bodies and knows our every pain. I am holding on to the promise that He will restore the years the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25) that He is a strong tower (Provers 18:10) and He will provide what we need (Matthew 6:25).

Don't get me wrong, we've all experienced major frustration, deep disappointment and even anger. I've thrown my own set of temper tantrums and experienced doubt. Then I've had to quiet my soul and ask for forgiveness. God knows all of our thoughts even before we know them and yet, He still loves me, He accepts me for who I am and is deeply concerned about me.

I have to remember that His ultimate purpose in all of these trials is for my good and His glory. Not the kind of good I think of because to me that is all about my comfort here on this earth. His kind of good is all about the state of my heart spiritually. We are suppose to be becoming more like Him, less like the selfish me along with my faith being developed through tough times (James 1:2-4).

I am so thankful for the whispers of encouragement He sends through His people, for His unconditional love, and knowing that I don't have to try to 'do' this on my own. He promises to never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).

Welcome Home!

Our third birthday celebration for May is the birth of our newest child, Liliana Hope Marie. She is perfect right down to her toes.

I am so thankful to God for the last nine months. In all that we were dealing with surrounding Bob, God gave me the strength to not only have a very healthy pregnancy but also to help Bob through his health struggles. I won't lie, it was tough. It's hard on a normal level to be point person for someone who needs help with their care, for five children and to be pregnant on top of it. I felt God's precious grace the whole time.

I ended up having to be induced. Not something I was overly thrilled about but I have never carried a baby past my due date. This was a first for me as I am usually 7-14 days early (which I was counting on). God answered many prayers for this little one and for myself:

At 37 weeks, we found out she was breech. Surprise! So a C-Section was scheduled. We had many people praying especially all those lovely ladies at 5 points church. Bob had laid his hand on my stomach and prayed over me the night we found out she was breech. Two days later, we went in to another ultrasound and she had totally flipped around and got herself in the right position. The doctor was so amazed. He said he just doesn't see that very often. I will never forget the look on his face when we gave him the news. He called the hospital to get confirmation of the ultrasound and then, canceled that c-section. We know that was God!

I was very concerned with how I was going to get to the hospital should I go into labor. Who is safer to drive? A woman in labor or a man who is on narcotics for pain? God worked that out even though being induced wasn't what I wanted. At least, we were both at the hospital before either of those concerns where an issue.

While in labor, she was posterior but by the time she was ready to be born, she, again flipped around and came out just the way she was suppose to. Again...God worked that out.

And finally, one of the concerns I had that gave me great anxiety was Bob. I prayed and prayed over the last few months for him. I worried about how he was going to get through labor and delivery as I know he has very little time between pain medications that provide any amount of relief. I worried that he was going to be curled up in the fetal position in the corner while I was giving birth to our daughter. I even worried that he wouldn't be able to be there. But God provided a miracle. He overdosed Bob on HIS grace allowing the pain meds to work longer and allowing him to be there for us. It was a true testament to the power of prayer and God's sufficient provision. God is amazing and I thank him over and over again when I think on the events of that day. Not only did God give me the gift of my husband but he also blessed me with another amazing little child.

Welcome to our family, sweet little one...

More Tests....

It's been a whirlwind of a month full of doctor appointments for Bob and I both along with more tests for Bob, the final countdown for the baby's arrival with a sprinkling of kid activities thrown in there. Just reading that makes me tired, for sure. I am not sure how we fit it all in but there it is....Life.

We got the results back from Bob's EMG test and everything looks good. This is frustrating and it is awesome news all wrapped up into one neat little white sheet of paper explaining all this from the doctor. We very much want to find out what is going inside Bob's body but at the same time are praying so very hard that it is not something terminal while trying to maintain some kind of hope that it is curable. Since we still haven't any answers and considering Bob's pain level when getting that test done and the result being good, the doctors, who are scratching their heads in disbelief, prescribed a myelogram test.

It is not a fun test to have especially when you are in severe pain constantly. They remove a small amount of your spinal fluid and inject same amount of dye at the base of your spine. Then, while you are laying on this table with handles to hold onto, they tip your head down to let the dye run from the lower spine all the way up. During this process, they take lots and lots of pictures.

In Bob's situation, they injected the dye which decided to just get caught in his lumbar spine and stay there. We now know it's because he's got some bad disks in that area along with some arthritis which makes it more difficult to get the dye past. After repeated attempts of trying to get the dye to move on up the spine, they were somewhat successful but the poor guy was put through the wringer to get this to happen. As he was lying on the table crying, the doctors were trying to decide whether to proceed any further to try to get it up into the C-Spine area which is the neck area. They decided not to.

After they completed the test, Bob had to stay in the hospital for several hours to monitor the spinal area. Spinal fluid loss is just not a good thing. He was released to go home later that day with strict instructions to do absolutely nothing. You do not want the puncture in the spinal area to break open. So for 48 hours, I watched for any signs of leaking and had to become the armed drill sergeant to keep him from trying to do anything.

He didn't do too badly for the first 24 hours except for a bit of a headache which they said was normal. However, by late evening and early morning following that, his head was hurting so excruciatingly bad that I ended up taking him into the ER. Apparently, the fluid can leak into the muscle tissue and not be visible to the eye since it's leaking on the inside which was what was happening to Bob. He had a spinal headache that was making him throw up. They did a procedure called a 'blood patch' which provided relief in just a short period time. After a couple of days, he started up with another headache but not quite as bad this time. This is apparently normal also as your body is trying to rebuild the lost spinal fluid. Definitely, not a fun test to have.

We saw the doctor yesterday regarding the results of the myelogram. It showed that in the lower spine he's got some arthritis and disk herniation along with a couple little spots of spinal narrowing but nothing that should cause him this severe of pain or any of what is going on with Bob. Since every test he has had is coming back mostly fine, the doctor wants to revisit the idea of Fibromyalgia. There is no test that can confirm completely that is what is going on. It is a process of elimination. His symptoms kind of go along with that theory. They have him started on a new medication to see if it helps. So they will be testing that on him for the next few weeks to see if there are any changes.

In the face of that diagnosis, we are dealing with some disappointment because there is no cure. Just as we have for the last three years, we are trying to find a way to function, to live and deal with the debilitating pain that has become such a part of our lives. To come to terms with the fact that was once normal may never be again. To trust God with it all and allow Him to make some kind of good out of it. We have to put our lives, the lives of our children, our hopes and dreams and plans in the hands of God.

It is very difficult to give up what you want and to trust God with it all. My independent spirit wants what I want but God wants us to want what He desires. If we can somehow let go and let God do what He does, this whole situation will turn out amazing and glorifying to Him. It's my own selfishness that gets in the way and prohibits God's plan. So once again, I come before the Lord, giving it all to Him and am desperately trying to leave my hands off it. He has promised us HOPE and a FUTURE. He will restore us maybe not as we envision but as He has envisioned and known before time began.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The Pain Patch

After the whole fun trip to the social security office with a side trip on the way home to the emergency room just to kick the weekend off with a bang, we were able to make an emergency appointment with the pain doctor for the following Monday. It was an agonizingly long appointment. But don't all doctor appointments seem agonizingly long when you don't feel too swell?

A visit to the pain doctor usually is long. They have to ask lots and lots of questions as to how you are doing since your last visit. What kind of pain brings you in there to see them and so on. This you have to tell to the first nurse and then the nurse practitioner and then the doctor. As Bob is laying there in agony, I have wondered if it was possible to round up all three and have them come in there so we could do this all at once. Or maybe we could just record it and they could go over it later? I guess that is not their policy. I thought it was a good idea.

After going over what happened at the disability appointment, his overall pain levels and the concerns our family doctor has as to the effects debilitating pain has on the mind, they gave us two choices. One was a pain patch that has to be changed every 72 hours. The other was morphine. We chose the patch or should I say I chose it on his behalf. By the time we got to this part of the appointment, he was in too much pain to make a conscious thought or decision. Kind of like when we were at the ER and the nurse asked him what his pain level was at and he told them...ah, a 6 or a 7. The nurse then looked at me and I said how about we try a 12. The nurse said that she'd go with my answer since it seemed more in line with what was going on.

He also is having an awful time with his balance. His pain levels are throwing everything off including that along with some of the medication he is taking. The doctor's office was offering to prescribe a walker but Bob isn't ready to go that route right now so we opted for a four prong cane. There is nothing about what is happening to him that isn't frustrating and somewhat humiliating. It's hard when you are at a point in life, when canes, walkers and narcotics are not where you want to be or should even be. To not have any real concrete answers as to why just adds to the weight of the whole situation. There are some other things that the doctor could try to ease the pain if only we knew exactly where the source of pain is coming from. For now, those are on the back burner.

He's been on the pain patch for a couple weeks now. They are hoping between the patch, another narcotic, a nerve blocker and an anti-inflammatory, that it will help him at least have some relief. It has helped. It's brought the pain levels down a notch enough to let him sleep more than he was, to get around the house in small doses and to be able to take a shower without help. However, he still has awful periods of pain off and on during the day which they warned us would happen. We have another visit to the pain doctor in a couple weeks to which they will determine if they need to up the dosage on the patch to the next level. So far, I'm thinking they are going to have to. While it's helping, he is still not able to do a whole lot.

He's hoping that if they could just get the pain down lower, he could work. That is so heavy on his heart. His not being able to provide for us has been one of the worst things about this whole situation. We continue to pray for his healing. That God will bring that about soon but we also know that God has a plan and a purpose for all of this.

We both want to share the hope of Christ in even the most desperate situations that we face. It's hard sometimes. We've experienced despair, discouragement and moments of hopelessness but we know beyond all that, God fills us with the grace, the strength, and the courage to face each day as it comes. One reason we are able to do that is due to the prayers that are going up on our behalf and the spiritual food we are constantly feeding our souls. How could you survive one moment of affliction or trials without your eyes properly focused on the One who is our source of strength, our source of courage and on the One who gives us life? When my eyes lose that focus, that is when I fail to function in hope, courage and strength.

If you are in a desperate situation, remember that God has not forgotten you. He has his eye on you and will not let you go. Seek Him with your whole heart and hang onto to him. He is the only way, the only truth and only through Him do we have what it takes to live this life.

A Day at the Disability Office...

This past Friday we had an appointment to file for disability. We had previously filed awhile ago but were denied. They don't like 'pain' as a diagnosis. We could have appealed but needed an attorney which we couldn't afford and didn't know who to go with along with the fact we were scrambling to find a place to live and pack the contents of our home. So here we are again....

We visited with a lawyer recently to discuss just exactly how to go about all this and to seek some advice. He suggested we just refile and then, he would help us from there. He was pretty confident that we had a great case for filing as anything that requires Bob to attend outside of the reclined position is excruciatingly painful and leaves him curled up on the floor in a sobbing mess. The lawyer saw this in action firsthand. This is so humiliating for him but hasn't much control over it when the pain is that bad. The hard part is me getting him to the car when he's in that position.

We had previously filed online but the lawyer told us that we needed to actually go into the office so that claims person could see for herself what kind of shape he was in. I guess they have a list of mental evaluations that they make while you are in the interview. So this is what we did. We went into the office and filed.

It was a horribly long, long interview as they gathered any and all information. After about the first half hour, Bob was incapacitated and absolutely unable to answer any of the questions to which I ended up finishing up the interview for him. At some point, Bob was on the floor hunched over holding his cane sweating so badly that his hair and shirt were absolutely soaked just trying to maintain breathing that the security guard came over asking us if we needed an ambulance or medical attention. We thought if we could get him into a different position that might help so the security guard tried to help him by grabbing onto his sides which are an area of extreme pain. This just catapulted him into more pain. I felt bad for the security guard. He didn't know and felt awful about it.

Periodically, the security guard would walk by and check on him along with some of the other workers. We finally came to the end of the appointment and it was time to get to the car. It was a long, long walk to the car and I had an awful time trying to get him to it. He's so worried that he's going to hurt me or the baby but we try to manage as best we can. I couldn't leave him there. I don't think they'd allow that. :-)

By the time we got to the car, he was doing even worse so I ended up taking a stop at the ER. The pain was more than he could bear. With the help of some nurses, we got him inside and to a bed in no time flat. I am so thankful that there wasn't any wait. That was a small miracle in itself. They ended up giving him a pretty hefty anti-inflammatory/pain shot which settled things down a bit and then we were on our way.

When we got home, our family doctor called and Bob was able to talk things over with him. Coincidentally, Bob had sent him an email earlier that day explaining what a tough week he'd had pain-wise to the point, he's been having to wake me up during the night to help him. The doctor is very concerned with the amount of pain Bob is having to endure for such a long time on his mental condition so he didn't want us to wait the couple weeks we were originally scheduled to go back to the pain doctor. So he was to call and see if they could get him in ASAP.

We are hoping that we will hear something from the disability office in the least amount of time possible but it could take 3-6 months. It's in God's hands now. We have a lawyer who is ready to help when the time comes even though we still can't afford him but are confident that God will provide the necessary means as He has been so faithful through this whole ordeal. I know that He will not abandon us just as He has promised.

It's a tough place to be....'in need'. I know that disability and state help is there for those who need it but it's hard to be in a position of need. We have always loved to be the 'helpers' but have had to learn how to accept 'help'. The emotional and mental implications of having been in this position are difficult. We don't like to impose or be a burden but are so thankful for those of you who have offered your hearts, your hands and your sustaining friendship. You are a true example of what the body of Christ is and continues to be....the hands and feet of Christ.

Another turn...

We had a visit with the neurosurgeon to go over my husband's MRI results a couple days ago. The doctor's take on what he saw was that even though Bob has eleven damaged disks, that while there might be some back pain, it is not the cause of his debilitating, chronic pain. He believes there is something else going on. His suggestion was to see a immunologist. It could be an auto-immune/musculoskeletel issue. So we are back at square one.

I cannot tell you how utterly agonizing this is not only to, after three years and several different ideas of what might be wrong, to be back at not knowing. We've been fighting discouragement since we left the doctors office. The idea of it being an auto-immune issue scares me to death. From what I know (which could be potentially dangerous), an auto-immune disease is definitely not a good thing. I felt better with it being a back issue.

The other frustrating aspect of this is that it's been three years and the doctors still don't know what is wrong. This just goes to show you that sometimes our bodies even stump the doctors. Sometimes, it is simply a process of elimination, to find out the answer which takes time. So my husband remains to be a mystery even to the highly educated doctors. I knew he was special!

On the way home from the doctors appointment, Bob kept asking me so where do we go from here. The answer to that is to keep praying, keep holding on to the hope of Christ and His promises and to go see the immunologist. It's step one. Then we go from there....one day at a time.

The discouragement is devastating. It is hanging around my head like a little black rain cloud. I'm refusing to completely give into it but I can feel it threatening to overtake me. I do find it amazing that for the past few days, I keep hearing sermons and words of encouragement from people to be relentless, to never give up. I know that God is trying to tell me something and I need to listen up.

It has been so difficult to face the realities of what is going on. I know that my husband has struggled with the aspect of not being able to provide for us, to watch our family struggle with what is going on, to know that the things you use to be able to do now are impossible or are extremely difficult. I am amazed at what he does accomplish when he is able as he refuses to become a vegetable lying on the couch. However, some days it is quite an accomplishment to just get off the couch and get to the restroom. Our whole world has been turned upside down. The things that were once are no more and we struggle, as do our children, with the unknown....will we be able to again? That is a question I can't answer and it makes me sad.

How do people deal with debilitation? One day you are functioning at full force and the next, a broken individual whether it be a car accident, a stroke, a heart attack or some other health issue. We just do not know what will happen from one day to the next. We have to place our trust in God and to never give up our faith in Him even in the face of the unknown. Without God, you will get swallowed up in the hopelessness of the situation which in my opinion, is worse than the condition itself. Hang on to hope, the hope of Christ.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

We have seen God's promises revealed in our own lives time and time again. I cannot say it enough...that HE will do as HE promised. You may have to wait on HIS timing and that is sometimes difficult but well worth the wait. Do not loose hope. He's got us in the palm of his hand and has a plan for us even in this seemingly impossible situation.

So...even in the face of the unknown and in this place that seems so overwhelmingly impossible, we continue to praise Him--to say Blessed be your name....

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
where your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name...


Blessed be your name
when I'm found in the desert place
When I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name


Every blessing you pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say....
Blessed be the name of the Lord


Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world is all as it should be
Blessed be your name


Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Where there is pain in the offering
Blessed be your name


You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will chose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name...

Pain Treatment - Round 2

I stand corrected. The pain shots that my husband is receiving is not a treatment per se but considered pain 'management.' It is complicated when it comes to chronic pain for there is no cure for it but rather, trying to manage the pain so that you can somehow make it through the day. It was rather overwhelming sitting in the waiting room at the pain clinic watching all the people who are suffering from it. Pain is very debilitating.

My husband had his second round of pain shots last week. This time, though, he was not in and out in an hour and half. After hour 3 passed, I started to panic. I kept hearing someone or should I say I thought I could hear someone sobbing and it sounded like my husband. Of course, the reality of that is slim since he was in the back of the office behind closed doors and I was in the front waiting room with the television blaring and the people talking. Your mind likes to play little tricks on you. Nevertheless, he was in there for double the time and I knew something wasn't right. I kept trying to reason with myself that I was over-reacting and that I needed to calm down. The nurses were so slammed that day so I was trying not to in my panic, bother them so I just waited.

Finally, after another 45 long, agonizing minutes, they wheeled him out. It was a beautiful sight and relief flooded over me. I almost started sobbing right there but I managed to hold it together which is a mighty amazing feat considering being six months pregnant. After we got in the car, he did tell me that he had a pain attack in the very beginning before they even were able to start the shot process. When this happens, he can't move because the pain is so intense. So the doctor had to give him other medication and wait for it to get into action which then put him back in the rotation for the shots. So he was sobbing but it was in the very beginning not at the time I thought I was hearing him.

I cannot tell you how many times over the last three years I have struggled with the very idea that he might in the end die. I know that for every person this is a reality. Our physical bodies are not meant to live on forever but we do have the choice where our spiritual bodies will live. If you've accepted Christ as Lord and Savior, then you will spend eternity in heaven. The alternative choice is hell. I know that my husband belongs to the Lord and if it is his time to go, then I know where he will be. The idea of the separation and not having him here with me is what has me in a tizzy.

I was so relieved when the doctors had determined recently that the source of his pain was his back because it meant that it wasn't a terminal illness. His pain has been such a mystery for so long and to finally have an answer was such a relief. But somehow, I continue to worry. It's my talent, I guess. I worry that his body is going to get tired of dealing with the pain, I worry that his heart will give out, I worry that something else is wrong....I didn't say I made sense all the time. I do find myself checking to see if he's breathing when he's lying so still when he's sleeping. I know, those thoughts can be irrational but it is something that I struggle with periodically.

So the Lord has been teaching me to trust even when nothing makes any sense. I know that if it came to a point where I would lose my beloved, that God will give me the strength and the courage to face that. I have to trust that God will take care of things if that should happen, just as he is taking care of us now. We have seen some pretty amazing God moments. That will never change as long as I hold onto Him.

It's been six days since his second round of shots and we see no relief again. It's very frustrating. It's hard not to get swallowed up in discouragement. We had so hoped that this would even dull the pain some so that he could function a bit more than what he has been able to. For it not to work, is just deeply disappointing. So we keep moving forward, taking each day as it comes. We keep trusting, believing and praying that God will help us find our way in all this which He does and continues to do.....daily.

Pain Treatment - Round 1

I've always struggled with the month of February, not because of the snow but perhaps, because of the lack of sunshine. There is something special about the warmth and the mere presence of the sun that warms the heart, warms the soul and gives hope. I've often thought that when it makes it's appearance during the winter months, I should run outside and set up my lawn chair and soak in it. It's just not the same looking at it through the window....

We've begun the series of pain shots for my husband. The first round was a couple weeks ago. He was in and out in about an hour and half and was feeling somewhat alright when he came out. The first thing he says to me when we got in the car was I'm starving! Of course, I believe the steroids make you incredibly hungry or perhaps it was the 'you can't eat or drink anything eight hours before' that makes one ravenous. He was craving a big, juicy burger and fries so we scraped together enough change to oblige the need. He was kind enough to give me a bite!

Later that day, I had to leave for a bit to pick up our food basket from the church, pick up his prescription and go to the post office. I was only going to be gone for a couple of hours, so I made sure he was medicated, used the restroom, and was tucked in his recliner before I left. However, when I returned, it was a nightmare...

When I opened the door, I found everyone upset and crying including my husband who was in so much pain, he could hardly stand it. Leaving the kids home alone with him in that much pain is just not a good idea. They don't know how to handle it and he is powerless to stop it. When he has these pain episodes, he can't move, he can't function and it is extremely scary for all to watch. We, unfortunately, never know when it is going to occur so I try very hard to plan things around his medication but that is not even a surefire way to avoid these kinds of situations.

There is something about watching and hearing someone you love very dearly go through something so agonizing. It makes a huge impact on your mind and your heart. The sound of his sobbing not only affects me, it is incredibly difficult on our children. In some ways, I think they/we have traumatic stress syndrome. The prayer of my heart is that God will use this situation, even in our children, for good and that He will heal all of our hearts so that there is no lasting damage from this.

The one thing that we have found and have even heard from the nurses is that like a mental illness, debilitating pain is not something we can see. So when we look at person, we sum them up to be alright when in actuality they are suffering just as much as someone who has a horrible illness that you can see. We have been judged and criticized so much because of his 'unseen' health issues but we know that God knows exactly how much he endures on a daily basis to just get through the day. God is the one who continues to give us the strength and the courage to face each day and to continue moving forward.

It's been two weeks since his first round of shots and unfortunately, we've seen no relief. The doctor did warn us that some do not see any effects from the first set. So we continue to look to God who is really the One who heals and we continue to put our faith and trust in His plan. Our mind is set on Him and even in the midst of winter and the lack of sunshine, I am not going to give up and be a victim of discouragement. I choose to hold onto the hope that comes from the Lord concentrating and soaking in His 'sonshine.' His love endures all things....

God's Gifts

As I look back over the past few years, I am once again reminded of how much God has provided for our needs. There are many promises throughout the Bible that speak of provision but when situations arise in such a fashion that your control is taken out and you have to rely on God, do you really believe that? Are you able to rest in those promises or are you out there trying to make things happen in your own time, on your own terms?

I have to admit that it's been tough for me. I've known people who are able to just trust in God's promises, that can rest and trust in such a simple, unquestioning way. My husband is one of those people. I, on the other hand, struggle with it, wrestle with it and have this overwhelming desire to fix things in my own way. Believe it or not, there are situations that call for you to just wait because YOU can do little to nothing to make the changes yourself. Sometimes all you can do is wait on God to move.

I do not know how people who don't have the Lord struggle through this life. Even though He doesn't promise to remove tough situations and circumstances, He does promise to be with us through it all. I've seen this, felt this and continue to be amazed at how much God is working in and through this situation. I wish and hope that He would heal my husband because it is agonizing to my heart to watch him suffer but that is not what God's plan is at this moment. That doesn't mean it won't happen here in the future but for now, I have to be willing to just wait and trust that God will work this all out.

Through it all, I have been amazed at what God has done. I look at my little Ryan. His heart was so heavy with fear because of a bad situation just a few months ago but God moved on the hearts of our neighbors providing us with a home that was safe for him. A place where he could heal and grow. Just the other day, it occurred to me that his laughter has even changed. God has answered the cry of my heart for healing for Ryan. He is once again a happy little rascal whose love for life is returning down to the twinkle in his eye and the rascally dimple on his cheek. Even the nightmares which plagued his sleep are becoming less and less. God is so good.

This past Christmas, God moved on the hearts of so many Godly people, some of them we had never met before. Our tree had no lights and God provided. We weren't able to buy presents for our kids but God provided even more than what we would have purchased for them had it been us doing the buying. Our car was in bad shape, God provided by fixing it and filling the trunk up to overflowing with gifts and groceries. I am just amazed at the hearts of those who dropped by. People listening to the voice of God to come and help other believers in need and us being able to give voice to hope through our testimony. God is amazing.

I don't know how this situation is going to end up but I do know after enduring so much that I know without a shadow of doubt that God's promises to provide for our needs is true. He doesn't just provide the mere basics but God provides even for things you enjoy on this earth, like Starbucks coffee or gift cards to your favorite store. God cares about those things as well. We need not limit Him because His ways, thoughts and plan is far better than anything I can imagine. I'm only to trust Him with my life.

I am looking forward to what this new year has in store for us, the good, the bad and the ugly because I know in all circumstances God will be right there with us providing for us, giving us wisdom in our steps and leading the way to a better life in Him.

Closed Doors

We've had many closed doors recently. It's been tough to understand, difficult to walk through, and agony to endure. Have you ever wondered or questioned at the timing of things that happen?

One of the most significant events lately has been with applying for help with our state. We've not applied through this whole ordeal because we felt very strongly that that was NOT the way God wanted to provide for us. This proved to be true by what we've seen our God do. He has provided in such amazing ways.

However, when our neighbor opened up this rental home to us, she really encouraged us to apply for aid so that they would pay the rent and help us with the utilities which would benefit both of us. So in respect and honor of her graciousness to us, we went ahead with applying not having any idea what that would entail.

When we first applied, they gave us a date to come in and then we would have to decide who was going to go through the program. Well, it was our understanding that it would only be for a few days so my husband chose to be the one to go since the driving, taking care of most things, kids, etc lay on my plate. We knew this was going to be extremely tough on him since he can't sit or stand for very long but thought by taking his pain meds he could get through it.

What ended up being a few days continued on and on for a couple weeks which they kept adding more time to. The pain was just too unbearable at times and so it ended up that he was taking quite a bit of pain medication just to get through. By the time I picked him up at the end of the session, he could hardly make it to the car each day. He did end up missing a day because he wasn't physically able to move from the couch for more than a few minutes. At their request, we got a doctors note and a medical release form from our doctor.

At this point, they called him in and told him they wouldn't accept his doctor's note because it was for only one day. They only accept them for people who miss two or more days. Their decision was to put him on what they call triage. This is a period of time when he, the people at the works program and our social worker get together and decide what to do about our situation. However, a few days after that, we got notice that our social worker bypassed all that and just denied us.

It is obvious this is a broken program. It's good for people who need interviewing skills and help with their resumes but terrible and inappropriate for people who have physical issues that are preventing them from working or for single mom's who already have a job but are not making enough to make ends meet, who need some assistance to live.

Another significant closed door is the fact that we are losing our insurance within the next month. We are right in the middle of trying to figure out how to help Bob's health issues. He did finally get approved for medicaid but unfortunately, it's like an albatross around our necks at times. The doctors want to try epidural shots to see if that gives him some relief but the minute they found out we had medicaid even as a secondary insurance, they wouldn't even touch him. They told us that because of the medicaid, we are, in a sense, a liability. I know also, from my appointments with this baby, there are so many things that are not covered by medicaid. So we are not sure where to go from here and time is not our friend.

When I look at our impossible situation, it's hard not to get stressed, to bawl your eyes out and to lose hope. I have to remember that God is bigger than an insurance card, He's bigger than our broken state aid and He is bigger than all this mess. To me, it's overwhelming, it's never-ending, and it's always going to be this way. BUT, to my GOD, it's handled, it's temporary and it's fixable.

God promises to restore the years that the locust have eaten. He promises restoration. He promises that the things of this world have been overcome by Him, and Him alone. So we look to Him to continue in His provision which is far beyond my imagination remembering that all these situations are already being handled by our amazing God. To Him be the glory....

Holding On

I knew that moving would be difficult. It's never easy moving in with relatives or other people for that matter. You have different views on life, you make different choices and you live differently. Those differences are sometimes unacceptable to and even offensive to others. The road to living has many good choices, they are not all wrong. Sometimes we are not willing to allow people to be who they are and simply love them but instead, stand in judgment and criticism hanging on to our own rightness.

This is one of the most difficult circumstances that I've ever had to endure. We are very much hurting and feeling that attacks are coming from all different directions. My flesh does not want to embrace this, it wants to run as far and as fast as I can. However, God has made it clear to us that we are to hang tight and stand in His Grace. This is not simply something we are living in the flesh but in the spiritual realm as well. The answers that apply to life's situation, don't necessarily apply to this one. God's plan is different and it's contrary to what the world tells us.

God calls us to love and to pray when we feel we are in the midst of persecution (Matthew 5:44). It's easy to read that verse and agree with it; but, what happens when you are placed in a situation that you cannot get away from, a place where you don't want to cut off relationships, a place where it's evident and words have indicated that you are unacceptable. I know that in my human flesh that I cannot accomplish what God asks of me. I don't want to return good for hurt. I don't want to love and to pray for those whose words hurt me. My flesh wants this to end, to find another place to live so that my children can sleep well, a place where there is no tension, a place of rest. Instead, God has asked me to stay until He is done with us here.

That is agony. It is pure agony to give up what you want and to let God be God. It has to do with our will and our selfishness; it has to do with our pride and our desire to be right. I have to keep surrendering it to God and to keep asking Him constantly to give me HIS love to share. My love is broken and it's insufficient but His love is complete. He promises to give us what we need to accomplish the task before us. We may not necessarily know what that task is, but He knows. I have to trust and I have to hang on to Him and His word as if my life depended on it to get through to the other side.

It is easy to hold onto all the harsh words, to be offended and to lash out but God wants us to make a choice to let go of all that baggage. I've been guilty on many occasions of holding onto bitterness and anger, to hold onto those offenses but all it's done is hurt me. It's made my heart heavy and my sleep interrupted. Holding onto bitterness, anger and offenses rip health and wholeness from you. I believe that many of our health problems are stemmed from anger, bitterness and unforgiveness. I have examples of in my own life of people who have chosen to live a life of peace, like my dear Grandpa and then, people who have chosen a life of grudges. It ages you physically.

So what do I want? My number one desire is to be in the center of God's will no matter how difficult the circumstances are. I want to be able to love and forgive easily. I do not want to hold onto offenses and hurts. God has given me the opportunity to let go off those and to ask forgiveness. The most important moments are when God gives us the opportunities to right the wrongs and we actually seize those moments. His desire is for our obedience and He is so pleased when we are. It gives him lives He can bless and use.

I am so very weak and feel often times that God doesn't have much to use in me. I can't even trust myself to keep my mouth shut or to say the right things, words that are of love and not anger. So I humbly ask God to forgive me and to show me the way He wants me to go again and again. I'm so thankful for God's grace and His mercy because without it....I'm just a wretched sinner.

I'm Back....

Wonder where I've been?

We moved to the country and apparently, it takes lots and lots of time to settle in, unpack boxes which aren't emptied yet and to find things.

The move went pretty smoothly. We had lots of help from friends and family which were a complete blessing. We are so grateful for the willing hands who stepped in to help us in so many different ways.

The kids seem to be adjusting pretty well and are enjoying getting to know their Uncle Tim much better. Whenever I see him, there is a couple kids following him around. I think it's wonderful that they have this opportunity to enjoy him in a way that isn't quite possible without moving in.

Through Tim's invitation, Brad, has met some people who are responsible in this town for a organization called Young Life. It's an organization that meets with young people in the schools, in the surrounding areas and is able to introduce them to Jesus Christ. Although Brad is already a believer, there are many opportunities for God to use him in this organization. Tim and Brad have both volunteered at the local county fair cleaning up trash, watching the inflatables and whatever else needs to be done and are donating their time/pay towards kids being able to attend a camp that is sponsored by Young Life.

I am amazed already at how God has taken this opportunity of us moving in with my mother in law and is opening doors for our family. Although not an ideal situation in my mind, God knows the plans He has for us and can only work if we are willing to walk the path that God has chosen for us no matter how uncomfortable it may be. It is hard to get our eyes off of what is seen and on to what is unseen.

All I can see around me is quite depressing with all the losses we have endured these past few years. I have to ask myself, if my faith in God is real, why do I not trust that He has what's best for me in His plan and in His will. I think somewhere in my heart, I base God's love on whether I'm in a comfortable situation or not. God never promised that this life would be easy nor did He promise that I would get all the things that I would want. He is after what is eternal and if that means I must endure some tough situations that help build my character and refine my relationship with Him, then that is what is going to happen.

I can fight it which I will tell you I have. I've felt, at times, like I've wrestled with God. It's my will against His will. God gives us the gift of free will but if you are truly a believer, your hearts desire will be that your will is in alignment with God's will. He has allowed me to flail, run and throw my temper tantrum and now He's giving me the opportunity to really embrace what He has for me here. I see a glimpse of it and for me, it's going to be extremely hard. However, I know that He promises to give me what I need to accomplish what He has set before me. He has also promised to give me courage and strength which I desperately need daily.

Sold Out

I've been contemplating what it means to be sold out to Christ. I used to think it was this person, much like one of Jesus' disciples, who gave up all he had and followed Christ. I envisioned that it was someone who was a missionary or a pastor or a ministry leader, someone who was a strong spiritual leader with a flock of sheep to tend to.

I was wrong. Being sold out to Christ is so much more than that. It's more than just believing in God, in trying to do what is right and in helping those along the way. Being sold out to Christ is giving all of your heart to Christ and letting him have complete control over your life. Many times we only let God have the safe parts, the parts where God can't mess with too much to make life uncomfortable.

It's fighting our strong will to get into alignment with God's will. It's choosing to live like God calls us to in His word. What His word tells us to do is quite the opposite of what the world tells us we should live by. Do you have the courage and the boldness to live like scripture calls us to?

We as American Christians are in great danger. We have access to money and so many things that it is extremely easy to replace our dependence on God for a dependence on ourselves and on our things. This happens so easily and so subtly that the believer is unaware of it until God removes the blinders on his eyes through adversity. We personally know this as we found ourselves in this position when my husband lost his job and then health problems entered our lives.

You suddenly realize where you have mistakenly placed your trust, your belief and your dependence. When those things are kicked out from underneath you and you no longer have those things, you are like a man in the middle of the ocean who cannot swim, who needs to desperately hold onto something that will keep him afloat.

I think many times we take God for granted. We think that we have all the time in the world to get our hearts right before him. We get busy with experiencing and doing life, taking care of our kids, running here and running there that God takes the back burner. Sometimes we even accept Christ but then only pull Him out when we are in trouble or need something. This only leads to a lukewarm, shallow relationship with Him. I can't help but wonder if a lukewarm, shallow Christian who only pays attention to God when he needs something will enter the gates of Heaven. God mentions that in Revelation 3:16. (So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.)

We have this mistaken idea of who God is. He doesn't always deliver us from every little trouble in the way we think. Instead He is the Father who uses trials and adversity to refine, shape and mold us into who we are meant to be...more like Christ, before He moves us on to the next thing. He is not a sugar daddy in the sky dropping money and mansions in our lap randomly, (He proves our stewardship in the little things, before He gives us the big things... for His use, to be used as conduits for HIS kingdom and not our own) and He most certainly is not a vengeful God who is ready to take you out everytime you make a mistake.

God is a Holy, a Righteous and a Just God who detests sin but He is also ferociously protective of His children, He is full of mercy, grace and He is extremely patient. He has also provided a way out of our sin but we have to be willing to accept that gift, the gift of salvation through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. He is always after our hearts and wants all of His creation to come unto Him, giving up all of our hearts to Him so that He can work and move in our lives.

What if you are one of those people who thought you were a believer or a christian but haven't really paid much attention to your relationship with Him, calling on Him in the midst of trouble only to find out you are the drowning man in the middle of the ocean with nothing to hold onto to. Do you really want to find out that the God you thought you had was just a mere illusion instead of a relationship?

I encourage you to dig into the scriptures and see how God wants us to live and then be bold and courageous enough to put it into action. Don't be deceived into thinking you've got this relationship with God under control or that you will deal with it later. What if you are wrong?

Layers

We've had to make some pretty tough decisions lately. One of those decisions was to determine where we were going to live once the door for our home closed. My mother in law graciously has offered her home as a place for us to temporarily stay. I chuckle when I use the word temporary because when we had to move in with my mother years ago it was only going to be for six months..tops. Over the course of our time together, she ended up moving with us to our home and that lasted for 12 years. So you just never know what the word temporary means.

This decision of our move has brought to the surface many things in my own life that God has decided it was time to deal with. When God decides to work on the layers of your life, He means business and He gets right to it. He only lets you wander around for a time and then it's time to do some more refining.

One of the things that has struck me as interesting is the fact that over the past two years we've been stripped of what I thought was most everything. I'm not talking about just materially but emotionally and in character, in who we are and where we are with Christ. This has lead us to a breaking and liquified state for God to be able to work with and reshape into something more like Him. However, as I have found out recently, there are still layers upon layers that have to be scrubbed off for the new layers to grow. I seriously feel, at times, like my skin is being ripped off of me. It's agonizingly painful. But it's necessary as we grow in a closer relationship with Christ.

One of the things I'm really struggling with is that my mother in law's home is approximately an hour north of where we live currently. It's on 40 acres in the country. I never imagined myself living in the country with no Starbucks on the corner away from all our friends, our church, our community. Now my plan is to still drive to our church and its activities for the kids and our small group, to still be involved in our homeschool group so there is tons of driving in my future. Everything is going to become a road trip. I really don't want to rip the kids out of everything that they are involved in. This has been extremely tough on them also.

I have faced the fact that those could be more things that God has planned for us to give up which is disheartening just thinking about. It is one thing to have chosen this road for ourselves and an entirely different thing to have it chosen for you. It takes more to work through it. To me, this feels very much like I'm being placed on a deserted island. I know that He ordains all of our steps even those in the middle of the country or in the middle of a city. There is no place that He does not see and I will not be out of His sight.

Sometimes I just don't understand why God would place us somewhere where we have no friends, where my children are away from all they are familiar with, where we have to drive, drive and drive some more. I do realize that people do this all the time but it is a completely different way of life for me and for us. My husband had to remind me that God is in the country too. That He knows what our needs are there just as much as He knows what they are here. He's right and I am thankful for that reminder.

It's pretty easy to give in to a despairing, discouraged and upset attitude. It is in that place that our eyes and our heart is clouded to what God can do. I keep trying to figure out how this whole ordeal can possibly be best for us but that is where faith has to come in. As my husband lovingly reminded me just this evening, faith has absolutely nothing to do with your eyeballs. It has everything to do with our soul, our relationship with Christ. Sometimes He asks us to do some pretty agonizing things and just trust Him even when nothing makes any sense at all.

Who does your heart belong to?

Does it belong to the things of this world or does it belong to the Lord God Almighty? Being a follower of Christ is not something to take lightly. It's not something you do and then, there is lies. It is an ever growing relationship. God wants every part of us. He wants it all. He wants us to be willing to give up all that makes us comfortable, all that we find security in and trust Him. Are you hot or are you cold? Are you sold out to Christ completely? Do you hear His calling?

Despairing...

This has been a pretty tough week. I just laughed as I wrote that because every week seems to be tough. How do you determine which is tougher or rougher than the other? Each has been unique in it's adventures that we've journeyed. This one though, has been tough emotionally.

I've been able to maintain a pretty good outlook other than a few days here or there. However, this week I've been really battling despair. I'm sure it doesn't help that I've also been battling a nasty cold. When you are ill, you become pretty intolerant of the little things that are all around you. The little ones yelling that their toots smell like moldy cheese grates on your nerves a lot quicker, the neighbor kid knocking on your door to tell you that one of your kids sneezed on him tends to give you a twitch, and the people in your home seem to find all your nerves and purposely stand on them while seemingly enjoying it. You find that your smile is no longer attainable but instead, Dr. Frankenstein is rearing his ugly square head.

I heard recently a little quote that seems to ring true. "Despair and discouragement are the quickest way to put yourself out of circulation." When you allow those things to leak in, it really does put a wedge in your communication with God, with those you love and with yourself. Satan just loves it when we knock our own selves out of whack. Makes his job much easier. His goal is to make us quite distracted and focused on ourselves so that we are useless to further God's kingdom.

So here I am, despairing about where we are going to live, where we are going to store all our stuff, what are we going to do with this or how are we going to handle that and the weight of the whole situation just kept getting heavier and heavier till I felt I was suffocating. I don't react well when I feel like I'm a cat in a cage. Claws can be pretty devastating to those who stand in it's way.

How do you get beyond all that frustration and discouragement is the question. Well...sometimes, it takes someone you love very dearly to help straighten you back around and to lovingly and firmly replant your feet in the right direction. Although, when this happens the hackles rise up and make me recoil at first thinking that perhaps it will be a long, long time before I ever have anything to say to him again but after pondering all that has been said, my heart seems to find it's way back home. I do believe that God knew we would need our mates not just to love us but to lovingly help us through tough times.

God is the most important part of this equation. His word encourages me not to be anxious, to not worry about tomorrow, to trust in the shelter of His wings and that He will provide for our needs. It's when I try to take on the weight of our circumstances and try to carry it all, that I get myself into trouble. It's hard to wait on God's timing. I do believe that the waiting is one of the hardest things to do. I know that God has got this whole situation under control and that no matter where we end up and where our stuff ends up, that it will work out in the end. It's getting there that is the struggle.

I'm just so thankful for God's abundant grace. I know that when I am at my weakest point, that God is waiting with open arms of love ready to embrace even the most wretched heart if we are willing to allow Him to do so.

The Plan

We received the notice from the court that the date was set for the eviction hearing. Friday was that day. We went and explained our situation and it was determined that they would give us 30 days. So we have to be moved out by the 13th of July.

I have to admit that this whole situation is just heart breaking. I don't understand much of it. Why when we are able to connect with our neighbors for the first time in ten years now have to leave? Why can't the doctors figure out what is going inside my husband's body so that he can get better and go back to work? The questions just go on and on. Much of why things happen are unexplainable but we are left with two options. We can either continue trusting in our Lord who tells us not to worry, to let tomorrow worry for itself or we can give up, turning our back on the One who has promised to give us what we need to face the day and all that is in it.

We continue to praise, worship and serve the Lord. Serve Him as we've never served Him before. We choose to hang on to the promises that are in His word even in the face of fear, of being stripped of everything, of the unknown. He is our God and we will not turn our backs on Him. We feel an urgency to be a voice of hope. A voice that shouts the glory of God and speaks of His faithfulness. We will not be silent.

It is extremely difficult to share the intimate details of our struggles with friends, with family and with those of you we haven't met but feel that God is calling us to do this. We feel very strongly that we need to encourage and to leave people with the hope that is in Christ. Even when life is falling apart around us, God has amazingly held us up and shown His love to us.

He loves all of us so very much and His desire is to have a relationship with all of us. He wants us to have a faith that is real. A faith that goes beyond the physical agony. A faith that is pure and righteous through the saving grace of the Lord God Almighty.

Many of you want to know what our 'plan' is but to be honest, we haven't any idea what that might be. It would be helpful in knowing what stuff to store, what stuff to give away but I just don't know. What I do know is that we need to box things up. Where the boxes are going is still up in the air. So our plan is this...we continue to trust God and seek Him for direction, for wisdom, for courage, for strength and that in His time, He will reveal to us what the plan is.

Over the last few weeks, my husband has been through many rounds of blood tests and an ultrasound which have revealed absolutely nothing except that he has a bit of a fatty liver which will clear up as he looses weight. However, a fatty liver does not and is not the cause of the extreme pain that he is in. So we are back at square one without a clue as to what is going on. It's a vicious cycle when you are on medication. One of the side effects is weight gain plus the fact that he hurts so very badly that exercising is extremely difficult. The doctor changed one of the weight gaining medicines out for another which will help with the weight loss and he is just trying to endure the pain while exercising.

In a normal situation, we try to do things to change the course of life. This, however, is one of those times when every avenue we've tried has had the door shut. All we have is to take what is before us, explore all options, and depend completely on God for His provision. He has been so faithful to provide. His promises are true as we've seen them worked out in our own lives. So we continue on....taking one day at a time relying on God's grace, His mercy, and His wisdom.

Transformation

The day has come. The day we've been expecting. But yet, the reality is excruciatingly agonizing. We received our notice from the court to start the eviction proceedings. It is tough facing all the emotions that come with it and even more so when they are coming from our children. I know that God is working through all this in my own heart and so I have to know that He is also working in my children's hearts as well.

The word transformation and purification has been running through my heart for a few weeks now. Usually when that happens, God is bringing me through a revelation process. It's usually something He wants me to get a hold of in my head and in my heart.

I was recently listening to a sermon and a phrase hit me hard. God is not interested in your temporary relief--He IS interested in permanent change. For example, our values, our heart condition, our purpose. So all these things that we agonize over and don't understand why they are happening are simply because without these struggles our growth spiritually is stunted and we remain shallow, baby Christians who need constant attention and are easily tossed in the wind.

God is fiercely after our hearts and our relationship with Him. Have you ever had a shallow relationship? There is really nothing to hold on to and it easily slips through your fingers. God doesn't want that from us. So we must go through some tough stuff to strengthen that relationship, to change who we are in Christ...to be a better reflection of who Christ is. Of course, when the tough stuff happens, we've got to do our part and that is to hang on to God with all that is within us and open our heart to what He is teaching us.

It's hard to fight our fleshly emotions. I have to fight all the time the thoughts that try to torment me like if God truly loved me, this wouldn't be happening or why is God punishing me. Those are wrong thoughts but yet, I wrestle with them. We have to remember that God fiercely loves us and if you have an understanding of the love you have for your child, then, you will then have a glimpse...just a glimpse of how God views His children. We also have to remember that Jesus Christ already paid the price for our sin so we are not being punished. There are always consequences to our choices and those consequences are what we must endure. We have to keep those things in right perspective.

Even though my flesh is in agony and it's a scary road that we walk, I've seen the transformation in my own heart and in the lives of this family. We've gone through a purification process. We've been broken and liquified so that we now have a better understanding of our faith, of who God is, of our relationship with Him and truly what is important.

We are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, we've still got much, much more to learn but I am saved by God's grace. His blood is what makes me clean and whole. His strength is what helps me have the courage to face each day. So even as we are looking at our eviction, I know that God is going to work all this out for His glory, His purpose and for our good. We place our trust and our hope in Him. No matter what may come, what the outcome may be, I want to be like Job who received the news of his children's death, his loss of all his finances, and the loss of all that he owned....He stood up, tore his robe in grief, shaved his head and fell to the ground before God saying....

I came naked from my mother's womb, and I will be stripped of everything when I die. The Lord gave me everything I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord! (Job 1:21)

Surprise Visitors

It is very unsettling when you realize the lock between you and the world beyond your front door could potentially not keep them out. We put a lot of faith in our front doors, our locks and our dead bolts. But what happens when your house has been foreclosed on? Do you still feel safe and secure? If we are not careful, fear could overtake us. We hear stories about the contents of the neighbor's house being thrown out on their front lawn by the sheriff. We hear stories of how realtors are demanding that people have to leave and then later find out that they themselves have moved in illegally. We hear stories about the tent cities and the rotation many homeless people are on in the state parks. How do we separate ourselves from the fear and anxiety that is everywhere we go?

Friday, we had a couple of visitors show up at our front door. One was a realtor that explained that he thought the house was unoccupied. He wanted to know what our plan was. He also wanted to come in and take a look at the inside. Of course, we haven't gotten any legal document from anybody other than the one we were served back in November stating that the house was going up for auction so he didn't get to come inside. My husband explained to him that the only thing that we have planned right now is to continue trusting that God will direct our steps and give us wisdom on what to do next.

Truly, saying that we are trusting God is not a pat answer. We really are diligently beseeching (to implore urgently) the throne of the Lord God Almighty for wisdom, direction, for guidance. We are not just sitting here idly, doing absolutely nothing. We are taking whatever computer work that comes our way. I, even, have put on a computer technician hat and am crawling under desks helping install computers. I never pictured myself doing that but you do what you can. I believe that God has put certain opportunities before us and I am trying to do the best that I can to take what God has placed here.

The second visitor showed up with a truck, trailer and lots of equipment. He arrived to board up the house. He was quite taken back that there was someone living in the home. I couldn't help but feel fear as I thought about what could have happened had we not been there. People leave their homes without taking anything. So in my thinking, we could have been away and come home only to find that our key wouldn't work, leaving us locked out of our own home. Could they just walk in? It is scary. It makes me not want to leave without someone being here to stop people from coming in.

There have been so many scary things that we've had to face and yet, God has been there to give us courage and strength to meet each of them. It happened that when the guy showed up to board up our home, some friends of ours were there. I believe that that was God's provision. They had come over to pray with us and to offer us their love and concern. The friends that showed up the next day, that called, that emailed just showered us with the confirmation that God was providing what we needed to face this. When you know that you have the strong support of friends and family, it enables you to pick yourself up and continue moving forward. Those were totally divine appointments.

In Proverbs 3: 5-6 it says that we are to trust in the Lord with all our hearts and lean not on our own understanding, but in all our ways to acknowledge Him and He will make our paths straight. In order for us to combat fear, we have to realize that God is the one who passionately cares about our lives and is personally involved. We have to trust Him even when we do not understand all of what is happening. He may not remove the trials of the day from us but He has already arranged for us to see His glory even in the midst of tough times. If we believe that God promises to never leave us or forsake us than we have to know that He is there to work things out for us. He gives us what we need...to face what we have to face.

I do not know what tomorrow is going to bring, what we are going to have to face or what mountain we are going to have to climb. But, I do know that God is worthy to be praised no matter what is going on. He is faithful to provide. He is a passionate Father who cares very deeply for His children. He will take care of all of our needs and that includes giving me the peace and security that I need to look fear in the face and loudly proclaim that I have nothing to fear, that those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty, that He alone is my refuge, my place of safety, that He will shield me with his wings and His faithful promises are my armor and protection. (Psalm 91)