Gobble! Gobble!

No matter how much I try to sneak some new dishes in each holiday, the kids refuse to give up their stuffed eggs. Grace had the pleasure of making them this year and they were mmmm...mmm..good!

Aaron is our picky eater. There are only a few items in the whole wide world that he will eat. I remember when I said I will never have a picky eater and then, we got Aaron. Never say never....! A round of corn dogs for his special Thanksgiving meal and he was one happy kid.


Some people got a little nap before dinner. I know...I know...usually that happens after the yummy meal. Guess we are resting up so we have lots of energy to partake of the feast! Don't worry about the drool....he's only dreaming of the Turkey and double layer pumpkin pie!


Look who's cookin??!! Don't you just want to gobble her up?!!


Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

Living with Chronic Pain...

It's hard to know what to say. We are struggling. Some days are tough to get through. Some days are not so tough. Mostly I just feel helpless.

Bob has been through test after test after test, treatment after treatment, after treatment. The doctors are scratching their heads at the results. Nothing is really coming back with anything that is explaining the debilitating pain that he is in daily. The only real evidence is that he has eleven damaged disks in his back which were not giving him trouble till he started physical therapy last Fall. It doesn't explain the pain he experiences day to day in other places for the last three and a half years.

This last treatment they tried was to see if they could do a nerve ablation. In order to do that, they injected steroid shots in the area where they thought would be the nerves that were giving him the most trouble. It didn't work as the doctors suspected since the previous steroid shot treatment didn't work earlier this year.

From what we understand at this point is that what the doctors are suspecting is that when Bob had his gall bladder surgery, it disrupted his nervous system for whatever reason and now it is just misfiring. They see this in some people who have had surgery. It leaves them in debilitating pain. You just don't know how your body is going to react to a surgery.

This debilitating chronic pain could morph into a fibromyalgia state which we've kind of seen. His pain started in the gall bladder area and ran along that nerve that runs across the bottom of your rib cage to pain in his back, pain in his arms, pain in his sides. It's just pain....awful, awful pain. He wakes with pain, sleeps (when he can) with pain, eats with pain, lives with pain. It never ever goes away.

The deeply disappointing news is that there is no cure for it. For Bob, this means a life of pain management. We knew it could be a possibility but still held onto hope that there would be something they could do to fix it so that he could have some relief. It is a devastating blow to hear the reality that that is not going to be the case. That for the rest of his life we are going to be living with this. I say 'we' because this doesn't just affect him, it affects our whole family.

It affects how we start our day, how we do things, how we go places, how we go to bed for the night, it affects everything and every moment of our day as a family. It is hard for people to understand as it isn't something you can see until it builds up to a debilitating level which it does throughout the day based on his activity level or just because. Sometimes he crawls into the house after being somewhere because I can't carry him. Sometimes, he can't cut up his food, pour his coffee or take a shower. It's a very humiliating state to be in.

In spite of our recent eviction notice, our recent denial of disability for the second time, and facing the recent reality that this isn't curable, we are holding onto God, the One who created our bodies and knows our every pain. I am holding on to the promise that He will restore the years the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25) that He is a strong tower (Provers 18:10) and He will provide what we need (Matthew 6:25).

Don't get me wrong, we've all experienced major frustration, deep disappointment and even anger. I've thrown my own set of temper tantrums and experienced doubt. Then I've had to quiet my soul and ask for forgiveness. God knows all of our thoughts even before we know them and yet, He still loves me, He accepts me for who I am and is deeply concerned about me.

I have to remember that His ultimate purpose in all of these trials is for my good and His glory. Not the kind of good I think of because to me that is all about my comfort here on this earth. His kind of good is all about the state of my heart spiritually. We are suppose to be becoming more like Him, less like the selfish me along with my faith being developed through tough times (James 1:2-4).

I am so thankful for the whispers of encouragement He sends through His people, for His unconditional love, and knowing that I don't have to try to 'do' this on my own. He promises to never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).

A Day Of Learning

We recently took a trip to the zoo. This takes a bit of planning these days to do things like this especially with a crew of this size, six kids, two adults, stroller, diaper bag, cooler, etc. One wonders if maybe they should put the car top carrier on for such an occasion.

Upon arriving at the zoo, we noticed a sign for members only pointing to a special west entrance for just those special people. We thought it would be an excellent idea to use this entrance as there weren't as many people and you could park really close making it easier for Bob to get to.
One of the requirements for us to enjoy our time at the zoo was to get a scooter for Bob.

Upon unloading the van and all of it's contents, we began our journey into the zoo. We found out that at this special entrance, there were no wheel chairs, scooters, wagons or other such equipment available to make the trip through the displays easier. We had to make our way to the very back to rent the scooter. Bob thought he could make it so we continued on....

After making a few stops at various animal displays on our way to the back of the zoo, I noticed that we were losing Bob. He began to hurt pretty bad so he was slowing down to a crawl. I realized he wasn't looking to good, he was really pale but he was smiling. I think he was just glad to be doing something with us instead of being stuck at home. You don't realize what a blessing it is to be with your family and to be able to do things without hurting so when life events occur and you have it to deal with, you push and fight to regain just a moment of that in the midst of your struggles.

I did have a brief moment of panic though. I thought we were going to get stuck in the middle of the zoo with him not being able to move. I wondered what I would do with the baby and the other children while trying to help him. I realized that we can no longer just go do things randomly but have to think about things like: Is it handicap accessible, do they have medical personnel on board if needed, do they have scooters at the entrance, how far is it, etc. We even have to think about the car ride there and back. This being our first big family activity since Bob got sick was a bit of a comedy of errors. We will know what to do to make it easier and better for all next time.

By taking small breaks and walking very slowly we managed to get to our destination only to find out they didn't have any scooters available at that outpost. Sigh. The attendant must of suspected he wasn't doing well because she called up front and insisted that one of the security guards drive the golf cart to the back to pick Bob up and take him to the front to pick up a scooter.

The kids had a lot of fun even though we wasted much time just trying to get the scooter. They enjoyed being driven around on the scooter. I think that was a highlight for the younger ones. The other highlight was the spray misters they have throughout the zoo making it more bearable on a hot day. I don't think the zoo intended those to be used to soak oneself but hey, when you are a kid, soaking yourself is super way cool.

I am looking forward to our next trip back there hopefully in the next month. We will know better how to handle things, therefore, giving us more time to see more of the animal displays. Sometimes life is all about handling new situations with grace and that is what we are trying to do. In the process, it makes you more compassionate for those who struggle on a day to day basis.

More Tests....

It's been a whirlwind of a month full of doctor appointments for Bob and I both along with more tests for Bob, the final countdown for the baby's arrival with a sprinkling of kid activities thrown in there. Just reading that makes me tired, for sure. I am not sure how we fit it all in but there it is....Life.

We got the results back from Bob's EMG test and everything looks good. This is frustrating and it is awesome news all wrapped up into one neat little white sheet of paper explaining all this from the doctor. We very much want to find out what is going inside Bob's body but at the same time are praying so very hard that it is not something terminal while trying to maintain some kind of hope that it is curable. Since we still haven't any answers and considering Bob's pain level when getting that test done and the result being good, the doctors, who are scratching their heads in disbelief, prescribed a myelogram test.

It is not a fun test to have especially when you are in severe pain constantly. They remove a small amount of your spinal fluid and inject same amount of dye at the base of your spine. Then, while you are laying on this table with handles to hold onto, they tip your head down to let the dye run from the lower spine all the way up. During this process, they take lots and lots of pictures.

In Bob's situation, they injected the dye which decided to just get caught in his lumbar spine and stay there. We now know it's because he's got some bad disks in that area along with some arthritis which makes it more difficult to get the dye past. After repeated attempts of trying to get the dye to move on up the spine, they were somewhat successful but the poor guy was put through the wringer to get this to happen. As he was lying on the table crying, the doctors were trying to decide whether to proceed any further to try to get it up into the C-Spine area which is the neck area. They decided not to.

After they completed the test, Bob had to stay in the hospital for several hours to monitor the spinal area. Spinal fluid loss is just not a good thing. He was released to go home later that day with strict instructions to do absolutely nothing. You do not want the puncture in the spinal area to break open. So for 48 hours, I watched for any signs of leaking and had to become the armed drill sergeant to keep him from trying to do anything.

He didn't do too badly for the first 24 hours except for a bit of a headache which they said was normal. However, by late evening and early morning following that, his head was hurting so excruciatingly bad that I ended up taking him into the ER. Apparently, the fluid can leak into the muscle tissue and not be visible to the eye since it's leaking on the inside which was what was happening to Bob. He had a spinal headache that was making him throw up. They did a procedure called a 'blood patch' which provided relief in just a short period time. After a couple of days, he started up with another headache but not quite as bad this time. This is apparently normal also as your body is trying to rebuild the lost spinal fluid. Definitely, not a fun test to have.

We saw the doctor yesterday regarding the results of the myelogram. It showed that in the lower spine he's got some arthritis and disk herniation along with a couple little spots of spinal narrowing but nothing that should cause him this severe of pain or any of what is going on with Bob. Since every test he has had is coming back mostly fine, the doctor wants to revisit the idea of Fibromyalgia. There is no test that can confirm completely that is what is going on. It is a process of elimination. His symptoms kind of go along with that theory. They have him started on a new medication to see if it helps. So they will be testing that on him for the next few weeks to see if there are any changes.

In the face of that diagnosis, we are dealing with some disappointment because there is no cure. Just as we have for the last three years, we are trying to find a way to function, to live and deal with the debilitating pain that has become such a part of our lives. To come to terms with the fact that was once normal may never be again. To trust God with it all and allow Him to make some kind of good out of it. We have to put our lives, the lives of our children, our hopes and dreams and plans in the hands of God.

It is very difficult to give up what you want and to trust God with it all. My independent spirit wants what I want but God wants us to want what He desires. If we can somehow let go and let God do what He does, this whole situation will turn out amazing and glorifying to Him. It's my own selfishness that gets in the way and prohibits God's plan. So once again, I come before the Lord, giving it all to Him and am desperately trying to leave my hands off it. He has promised us HOPE and a FUTURE. He will restore us maybe not as we envision but as He has envisioned and known before time began.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The Pain Patch

After the whole fun trip to the social security office with a side trip on the way home to the emergency room just to kick the weekend off with a bang, we were able to make an emergency appointment with the pain doctor for the following Monday. It was an agonizingly long appointment. But don't all doctor appointments seem agonizingly long when you don't feel too swell?

A visit to the pain doctor usually is long. They have to ask lots and lots of questions as to how you are doing since your last visit. What kind of pain brings you in there to see them and so on. This you have to tell to the first nurse and then the nurse practitioner and then the doctor. As Bob is laying there in agony, I have wondered if it was possible to round up all three and have them come in there so we could do this all at once. Or maybe we could just record it and they could go over it later? I guess that is not their policy. I thought it was a good idea.

After going over what happened at the disability appointment, his overall pain levels and the concerns our family doctor has as to the effects debilitating pain has on the mind, they gave us two choices. One was a pain patch that has to be changed every 72 hours. The other was morphine. We chose the patch or should I say I chose it on his behalf. By the time we got to this part of the appointment, he was in too much pain to make a conscious thought or decision. Kind of like when we were at the ER and the nurse asked him what his pain level was at and he told them...ah, a 6 or a 7. The nurse then looked at me and I said how about we try a 12. The nurse said that she'd go with my answer since it seemed more in line with what was going on.

He also is having an awful time with his balance. His pain levels are throwing everything off including that along with some of the medication he is taking. The doctor's office was offering to prescribe a walker but Bob isn't ready to go that route right now so we opted for a four prong cane. There is nothing about what is happening to him that isn't frustrating and somewhat humiliating. It's hard when you are at a point in life, when canes, walkers and narcotics are not where you want to be or should even be. To not have any real concrete answers as to why just adds to the weight of the whole situation. There are some other things that the doctor could try to ease the pain if only we knew exactly where the source of pain is coming from. For now, those are on the back burner.

He's been on the pain patch for a couple weeks now. They are hoping between the patch, another narcotic, a nerve blocker and an anti-inflammatory, that it will help him at least have some relief. It has helped. It's brought the pain levels down a notch enough to let him sleep more than he was, to get around the house in small doses and to be able to take a shower without help. However, he still has awful periods of pain off and on during the day which they warned us would happen. We have another visit to the pain doctor in a couple weeks to which they will determine if they need to up the dosage on the patch to the next level. So far, I'm thinking they are going to have to. While it's helping, he is still not able to do a whole lot.

He's hoping that if they could just get the pain down lower, he could work. That is so heavy on his heart. His not being able to provide for us has been one of the worst things about this whole situation. We continue to pray for his healing. That God will bring that about soon but we also know that God has a plan and a purpose for all of this.

We both want to share the hope of Christ in even the most desperate situations that we face. It's hard sometimes. We've experienced despair, discouragement and moments of hopelessness but we know beyond all that, God fills us with the grace, the strength, and the courage to face each day as it comes. One reason we are able to do that is due to the prayers that are going up on our behalf and the spiritual food we are constantly feeding our souls. How could you survive one moment of affliction or trials without your eyes properly focused on the One who is our source of strength, our source of courage and on the One who gives us life? When my eyes lose that focus, that is when I fail to function in hope, courage and strength.

If you are in a desperate situation, remember that God has not forgotten you. He has his eye on you and will not let you go. Seek Him with your whole heart and hang onto to him. He is the only way, the only truth and only through Him do we have what it takes to live this life.

A Day at the Disability Office...

This past Friday we had an appointment to file for disability. We had previously filed awhile ago but were denied. They don't like 'pain' as a diagnosis. We could have appealed but needed an attorney which we couldn't afford and didn't know who to go with along with the fact we were scrambling to find a place to live and pack the contents of our home. So here we are again....

We visited with a lawyer recently to discuss just exactly how to go about all this and to seek some advice. He suggested we just refile and then, he would help us from there. He was pretty confident that we had a great case for filing as anything that requires Bob to attend outside of the reclined position is excruciatingly painful and leaves him curled up on the floor in a sobbing mess. The lawyer saw this in action firsthand. This is so humiliating for him but hasn't much control over it when the pain is that bad. The hard part is me getting him to the car when he's in that position.

We had previously filed online but the lawyer told us that we needed to actually go into the office so that claims person could see for herself what kind of shape he was in. I guess they have a list of mental evaluations that they make while you are in the interview. So this is what we did. We went into the office and filed.

It was a horribly long, long interview as they gathered any and all information. After about the first half hour, Bob was incapacitated and absolutely unable to answer any of the questions to which I ended up finishing up the interview for him. At some point, Bob was on the floor hunched over holding his cane sweating so badly that his hair and shirt were absolutely soaked just trying to maintain breathing that the security guard came over asking us if we needed an ambulance or medical attention. We thought if we could get him into a different position that might help so the security guard tried to help him by grabbing onto his sides which are an area of extreme pain. This just catapulted him into more pain. I felt bad for the security guard. He didn't know and felt awful about it.

Periodically, the security guard would walk by and check on him along with some of the other workers. We finally came to the end of the appointment and it was time to get to the car. It was a long, long walk to the car and I had an awful time trying to get him to it. He's so worried that he's going to hurt me or the baby but we try to manage as best we can. I couldn't leave him there. I don't think they'd allow that. :-)

By the time we got to the car, he was doing even worse so I ended up taking a stop at the ER. The pain was more than he could bear. With the help of some nurses, we got him inside and to a bed in no time flat. I am so thankful that there wasn't any wait. That was a small miracle in itself. They ended up giving him a pretty hefty anti-inflammatory/pain shot which settled things down a bit and then we were on our way.

When we got home, our family doctor called and Bob was able to talk things over with him. Coincidentally, Bob had sent him an email earlier that day explaining what a tough week he'd had pain-wise to the point, he's been having to wake me up during the night to help him. The doctor is very concerned with the amount of pain Bob is having to endure for such a long time on his mental condition so he didn't want us to wait the couple weeks we were originally scheduled to go back to the pain doctor. So he was to call and see if they could get him in ASAP.

We are hoping that we will hear something from the disability office in the least amount of time possible but it could take 3-6 months. It's in God's hands now. We have a lawyer who is ready to help when the time comes even though we still can't afford him but are confident that God will provide the necessary means as He has been so faithful through this whole ordeal. I know that He will not abandon us just as He has promised.

It's a tough place to be....'in need'. I know that disability and state help is there for those who need it but it's hard to be in a position of need. We have always loved to be the 'helpers' but have had to learn how to accept 'help'. The emotional and mental implications of having been in this position are difficult. We don't like to impose or be a burden but are so thankful for those of you who have offered your hearts, your hands and your sustaining friendship. You are a true example of what the body of Christ is and continues to be....the hands and feet of Christ.

Another turn...

We had a visit with the neurosurgeon to go over my husband's MRI results a couple days ago. The doctor's take on what he saw was that even though Bob has eleven damaged disks, that while there might be some back pain, it is not the cause of his debilitating, chronic pain. He believes there is something else going on. His suggestion was to see a immunologist. It could be an auto-immune/musculoskeletel issue. So we are back at square one.

I cannot tell you how utterly agonizing this is not only to, after three years and several different ideas of what might be wrong, to be back at not knowing. We've been fighting discouragement since we left the doctors office. The idea of it being an auto-immune issue scares me to death. From what I know (which could be potentially dangerous), an auto-immune disease is definitely not a good thing. I felt better with it being a back issue.

The other frustrating aspect of this is that it's been three years and the doctors still don't know what is wrong. This just goes to show you that sometimes our bodies even stump the doctors. Sometimes, it is simply a process of elimination, to find out the answer which takes time. So my husband remains to be a mystery even to the highly educated doctors. I knew he was special!

On the way home from the doctors appointment, Bob kept asking me so where do we go from here. The answer to that is to keep praying, keep holding on to the hope of Christ and His promises and to go see the immunologist. It's step one. Then we go from there....one day at a time.

The discouragement is devastating. It is hanging around my head like a little black rain cloud. I'm refusing to completely give into it but I can feel it threatening to overtake me. I do find it amazing that for the past few days, I keep hearing sermons and words of encouragement from people to be relentless, to never give up. I know that God is trying to tell me something and I need to listen up.

It has been so difficult to face the realities of what is going on. I know that my husband has struggled with the aspect of not being able to provide for us, to watch our family struggle with what is going on, to know that the things you use to be able to do now are impossible or are extremely difficult. I am amazed at what he does accomplish when he is able as he refuses to become a vegetable lying on the couch. However, some days it is quite an accomplishment to just get off the couch and get to the restroom. Our whole world has been turned upside down. The things that were once are no more and we struggle, as do our children, with the unknown....will we be able to again? That is a question I can't answer and it makes me sad.

How do people deal with debilitation? One day you are functioning at full force and the next, a broken individual whether it be a car accident, a stroke, a heart attack or some other health issue. We just do not know what will happen from one day to the next. We have to place our trust in God and to never give up our faith in Him even in the face of the unknown. Without God, you will get swallowed up in the hopelessness of the situation which in my opinion, is worse than the condition itself. Hang on to hope, the hope of Christ.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

We have seen God's promises revealed in our own lives time and time again. I cannot say it enough...that HE will do as HE promised. You may have to wait on HIS timing and that is sometimes difficult but well worth the wait. Do not loose hope. He's got us in the palm of his hand and has a plan for us even in this seemingly impossible situation.

So...even in the face of the unknown and in this place that seems so overwhelmingly impossible, we continue to praise Him--to say Blessed be your name....

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
where your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name...


Blessed be your name
when I'm found in the desert place
When I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name


Every blessing you pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say....
Blessed be the name of the Lord


Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world is all as it should be
Blessed be your name


Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Where there is pain in the offering
Blessed be your name


You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will chose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name...

Pain Treatment - Round 2

I stand corrected. The pain shots that my husband is receiving is not a treatment per se but considered pain 'management.' It is complicated when it comes to chronic pain for there is no cure for it but rather, trying to manage the pain so that you can somehow make it through the day. It was rather overwhelming sitting in the waiting room at the pain clinic watching all the people who are suffering from it. Pain is very debilitating.

My husband had his second round of pain shots last week. This time, though, he was not in and out in an hour and half. After hour 3 passed, I started to panic. I kept hearing someone or should I say I thought I could hear someone sobbing and it sounded like my husband. Of course, the reality of that is slim since he was in the back of the office behind closed doors and I was in the front waiting room with the television blaring and the people talking. Your mind likes to play little tricks on you. Nevertheless, he was in there for double the time and I knew something wasn't right. I kept trying to reason with myself that I was over-reacting and that I needed to calm down. The nurses were so slammed that day so I was trying not to in my panic, bother them so I just waited.

Finally, after another 45 long, agonizing minutes, they wheeled him out. It was a beautiful sight and relief flooded over me. I almost started sobbing right there but I managed to hold it together which is a mighty amazing feat considering being six months pregnant. After we got in the car, he did tell me that he had a pain attack in the very beginning before they even were able to start the shot process. When this happens, he can't move because the pain is so intense. So the doctor had to give him other medication and wait for it to get into action which then put him back in the rotation for the shots. So he was sobbing but it was in the very beginning not at the time I thought I was hearing him.

I cannot tell you how many times over the last three years I have struggled with the very idea that he might in the end die. I know that for every person this is a reality. Our physical bodies are not meant to live on forever but we do have the choice where our spiritual bodies will live. If you've accepted Christ as Lord and Savior, then you will spend eternity in heaven. The alternative choice is hell. I know that my husband belongs to the Lord and if it is his time to go, then I know where he will be. The idea of the separation and not having him here with me is what has me in a tizzy.

I was so relieved when the doctors had determined recently that the source of his pain was his back because it meant that it wasn't a terminal illness. His pain has been such a mystery for so long and to finally have an answer was such a relief. But somehow, I continue to worry. It's my talent, I guess. I worry that his body is going to get tired of dealing with the pain, I worry that his heart will give out, I worry that something else is wrong....I didn't say I made sense all the time. I do find myself checking to see if he's breathing when he's lying so still when he's sleeping. I know, those thoughts can be irrational but it is something that I struggle with periodically.

So the Lord has been teaching me to trust even when nothing makes any sense. I know that if it came to a point where I would lose my beloved, that God will give me the strength and the courage to face that. I have to trust that God will take care of things if that should happen, just as he is taking care of us now. We have seen some pretty amazing God moments. That will never change as long as I hold onto Him.

It's been six days since his second round of shots and we see no relief again. It's very frustrating. It's hard not to get swallowed up in discouragement. We had so hoped that this would even dull the pain some so that he could function a bit more than what he has been able to. For it not to work, is just deeply disappointing. So we keep moving forward, taking each day as it comes. We keep trusting, believing and praying that God will help us find our way in all this which He does and continues to do.....daily.

Pain Treatment - Round 1

I've always struggled with the month of February, not because of the snow but perhaps, because of the lack of sunshine. There is something special about the warmth and the mere presence of the sun that warms the heart, warms the soul and gives hope. I've often thought that when it makes it's appearance during the winter months, I should run outside and set up my lawn chair and soak in it. It's just not the same looking at it through the window....

We've begun the series of pain shots for my husband. The first round was a couple weeks ago. He was in and out in about an hour and half and was feeling somewhat alright when he came out. The first thing he says to me when we got in the car was I'm starving! Of course, I believe the steroids make you incredibly hungry or perhaps it was the 'you can't eat or drink anything eight hours before' that makes one ravenous. He was craving a big, juicy burger and fries so we scraped together enough change to oblige the need. He was kind enough to give me a bite!

Later that day, I had to leave for a bit to pick up our food basket from the church, pick up his prescription and go to the post office. I was only going to be gone for a couple of hours, so I made sure he was medicated, used the restroom, and was tucked in his recliner before I left. However, when I returned, it was a nightmare...

When I opened the door, I found everyone upset and crying including my husband who was in so much pain, he could hardly stand it. Leaving the kids home alone with him in that much pain is just not a good idea. They don't know how to handle it and he is powerless to stop it. When he has these pain episodes, he can't move, he can't function and it is extremely scary for all to watch. We, unfortunately, never know when it is going to occur so I try very hard to plan things around his medication but that is not even a surefire way to avoid these kinds of situations.

There is something about watching and hearing someone you love very dearly go through something so agonizing. It makes a huge impact on your mind and your heart. The sound of his sobbing not only affects me, it is incredibly difficult on our children. In some ways, I think they/we have traumatic stress syndrome. The prayer of my heart is that God will use this situation, even in our children, for good and that He will heal all of our hearts so that there is no lasting damage from this.

The one thing that we have found and have even heard from the nurses is that like a mental illness, debilitating pain is not something we can see. So when we look at person, we sum them up to be alright when in actuality they are suffering just as much as someone who has a horrible illness that you can see. We have been judged and criticized so much because of his 'unseen' health issues but we know that God knows exactly how much he endures on a daily basis to just get through the day. God is the one who continues to give us the strength and the courage to face each day and to continue moving forward.

It's been two weeks since his first round of shots and unfortunately, we've seen no relief. The doctor did warn us that some do not see any effects from the first set. So we continue to look to God who is really the One who heals and we continue to put our faith and trust in His plan. Our mind is set on Him and even in the midst of winter and the lack of sunshine, I am not going to give up and be a victim of discouragement. I choose to hold onto the hope that comes from the Lord concentrating and soaking in His 'sonshine.' His love endures all things....

Tough Days...

Some days are so unbearable difficult and the weight of our situation threatens to squish me. But, I've seen the overwhelming love of our Father through all this as He comforts, provides and showers us with His protection.

Yesterday, my husband decided to try the chiropractor. We are quite familiar with chiropractic care and have wanted to see if it would help Bob's situation. However, the money has been a huge reason why we haven't gone thus far. The second reason we haven't given it a try is because of what happened to Bob at the physical therapy. We were concerned that it would send him into debilitating pain again.

After much insistence from friends and family, Bob went. It was one of the worst decisions ever. It was worse than physical therapy. A friend happened to take him to his appointment and literally had to back his car up to our steps to get him into the house. We got him to the couch where he laid and sobbed ferociously for quite some time. The pain was so intense and it would not let up even with the pain medication.

After quite some time of no relief, we were contemplating a trip to the Emergency Room. However, I wasn't sure how I was going to get him to the car and was wondering if it was worth an ambulance ride. He's been to the ER and they don't know what to do with him either so I wasn't really wanting to go in that direction if we could at all avoid it.

Our wonderful neighbor called to check on him and offered us her whirlpool bath which we took her up on her offer of. I managed to get him over there and up her stairs and into the whirlpool. How? I'm not sure other than it must have been God helping us along. It had an amazing affect on his pain and was able to relieve it enough for the medication to do it's job. Boy, do I wish we had one of those now. Not sure where we would put it but it would be a great help to Bob!

Since the whirlpool's amazing abilities helped relieve some of the pain, we decided against the ER. He's been very exhausted and hurting but is able to move without it causing such debilitating pain which is a good thing. So we are once again, back at our everyday pain management routine. I'm not able to get to church today as I can't leave him by himself but I am thankful we are through the worst of yesterday and on to a brighter day.

I am so thankful that God gives us what we need when the circumstances arise. It is so scary watching someone in so much pain every day. You feel so helpless. Yet, as I go through this with Bob, God gives me the courage to face it, the compassion to comfort, the wisdom to come up with ideas to try to ease and the empathy to pray, pray and pray some more. There are days when I feel like God is so far away and isn't hearing a word I pray but I know without a doubt that He is right here with us, carrying all of us day by day. I've seen the amazing ways God provides even in the midst of all this.

Sometimes I don't understand why God doesn't just fix everything especially since this has been going on and on and on no matter how much I pray. But, I do know that even when God decides not take our afflictions away, He is using it for a glory purpose. By that I mean, He promises to turn things for good and for a purpose that we may not understand at the time. It's not going to be restored until God's purposes are accomplished. Our job is to hold onto our faith, to not give up but to keep finding ways to honor God through it all no matter how much agony you are in. That is a tough place to be....waiting on God. We want relief like now. We are not patient. We wear out and become weary. BUT GOD knows this and He offers those things we need to keep our eyes on him, to keep on running the race, to keep faithful to Him.

I want to encourage you if you are in a place that seems so impossible and so overwhelming to bear each day, to keep your focus on our Lord, to give Him all your hurts, your desires, your dreams. Don't ever give up on God even if you feel like He's not moving on your behalf. Don't rely on what you think you see. Look to His Word, the promises in there are for you, for me and for all who trust in the Lord God Almighty. I've seen them in my own life and continue to be amazed by it. He is truly an amazing God!

Closed Doors

We've had many closed doors recently. It's been tough to understand, difficult to walk through, and agony to endure. Have you ever wondered or questioned at the timing of things that happen?

One of the most significant events lately has been with applying for help with our state. We've not applied through this whole ordeal because we felt very strongly that that was NOT the way God wanted to provide for us. This proved to be true by what we've seen our God do. He has provided in such amazing ways.

However, when our neighbor opened up this rental home to us, she really encouraged us to apply for aid so that they would pay the rent and help us with the utilities which would benefit both of us. So in respect and honor of her graciousness to us, we went ahead with applying not having any idea what that would entail.

When we first applied, they gave us a date to come in and then we would have to decide who was going to go through the program. Well, it was our understanding that it would only be for a few days so my husband chose to be the one to go since the driving, taking care of most things, kids, etc lay on my plate. We knew this was going to be extremely tough on him since he can't sit or stand for very long but thought by taking his pain meds he could get through it.

What ended up being a few days continued on and on for a couple weeks which they kept adding more time to. The pain was just too unbearable at times and so it ended up that he was taking quite a bit of pain medication just to get through. By the time I picked him up at the end of the session, he could hardly make it to the car each day. He did end up missing a day because he wasn't physically able to move from the couch for more than a few minutes. At their request, we got a doctors note and a medical release form from our doctor.

At this point, they called him in and told him they wouldn't accept his doctor's note because it was for only one day. They only accept them for people who miss two or more days. Their decision was to put him on what they call triage. This is a period of time when he, the people at the works program and our social worker get together and decide what to do about our situation. However, a few days after that, we got notice that our social worker bypassed all that and just denied us.

It is obvious this is a broken program. It's good for people who need interviewing skills and help with their resumes but terrible and inappropriate for people who have physical issues that are preventing them from working or for single mom's who already have a job but are not making enough to make ends meet, who need some assistance to live.

Another significant closed door is the fact that we are losing our insurance within the next month. We are right in the middle of trying to figure out how to help Bob's health issues. He did finally get approved for medicaid but unfortunately, it's like an albatross around our necks at times. The doctors want to try epidural shots to see if that gives him some relief but the minute they found out we had medicaid even as a secondary insurance, they wouldn't even touch him. They told us that because of the medicaid, we are, in a sense, a liability. I know also, from my appointments with this baby, there are so many things that are not covered by medicaid. So we are not sure where to go from here and time is not our friend.

When I look at our impossible situation, it's hard not to get stressed, to bawl your eyes out and to lose hope. I have to remember that God is bigger than an insurance card, He's bigger than our broken state aid and He is bigger than all this mess. To me, it's overwhelming, it's never-ending, and it's always going to be this way. BUT, to my GOD, it's handled, it's temporary and it's fixable.

God promises to restore the years that the locust have eaten. He promises restoration. He promises that the things of this world have been overcome by Him, and Him alone. So we look to Him to continue in His provision which is far beyond my imagination remembering that all these situations are already being handled by our amazing God. To Him be the glory....

Physical Therapy Evaluation

Today, my husband had his midpoint evaluation for physical therapy. He was suppose to think and then be able to tell them how much improved he is. Unfortunately, as we thought about this over the last couple days, we've come to the conclusion that he is doing much worse. It only makes sense since they are messing with the injured areas. Of course, we have to take into account that it's been this way for almost three years now. We are hoping that deterioration hasn't taken place over that period of time and are most hopeful that it's not causing more problems.

The physical therapist did say that one of the problem areas is that the muscle around one of his herniated disks have kind of wrapped themselves around it to protect it from the pain but as it is protecting it, it is also pulling it out even more thus causing more problems. The disks are putting pressure on the nerve that wraps around the abdomen area and builds up on the sides until it feels like an explosion of pain in his chest/abdomen area. It is also affecting his arms and his ability to hold onto things when he hits this 'pain wall'. We've lost quite a few dishes and his favorite Mackinaw Island coffee mug....poor guy! Now we've added some back pain since he started his therapy which is totally not fun.

The physical therapist is recommending that we go for another four weeks and re-evaluate how things are going at that point. In the meantime, we had a recommendation from a friend who is quite familiar with back surgery give us the name of a neuro-surgeon to get a second opinion on this. He is suppose to be one of the best doctor's in the state and comes highly recommended from several people. I pray that he will have some answers for us when we see him in a couple weeks.

I pray we get some answers soon. Bob is just not doing well and I feel so helpless as to what I can do to help him. He finally gave in and sent a pleading email to our family doctor for some stronger medication. He has been trying to avoid the hard stuff because he wants to be able to have his brain function when he gets the opportunity to work on people's computers. Tonight he hit a 'pain wall' and took some of the new pain reliever and it didn't even touch his pain. It is so frustrating because he has tried so many different medications and nothing seems to work very well. When you are in that kind of pain, you want it to stop immediately but his never does. The medication only takes his pain level down to a 4 or 5 where it's not bringing him to tears and this is where he tries to live within everyday. Then, that only lasts for a couple hours and then it's back up again. So the man doesn't sleep much which just exacerbates the problems more.

I just never dreamed at this point in my life that I would become, in a sense, his caretaker. He really is unable to do many things for himself when he hits these 'pain walls' throughout the day. It is very humiliating for him to have to admit that he can't as it would for any one of us. God has blessed him with such grace for which I am so thankful for. I've seen this amazing grace rest on my own father when he was told he was going to die and then throughout the 18 months that he lived after that. It is amazing to see it displayed. It is full of a peace that goes beyond the situation and it's faith building in those who have the blessing to watch it in action. That is God and God alone!

In spite of the amount of pain he is in, he still tries, during his better moments, to do what he can for us. He also tries to continue working as much as he can. I don't know how he functions with that kind of pain but we know that God is the one giving him the strength to continue moving forward every day. God has also kept depression from our door which I thank God for every day. Have you ever seen someone without a will to live? I have and it's not something I ever want to see again and I just keep thanking God and praying for stability in this area.

Amidst our circumstances', we know that God is moving and breathing life into our situation. He is not bound by any impossibility. I cannot tell you all the little miracles we've seen happen which gives us the strength to keep moving forward. God knows exactly what Bob is going through every day and He has a special plan for him. We continue to seek God for healing and for a miracle for our situation but until it happens, we will thank Him....for His provision, for His love, for Him just being the God of our situation.

Finally...some answers

Our six month waiting period for preexisting conditions has finally come to an end. Bob was scheduled for an MRI and we now have the results. Everything came back perfectly normal except for two herniated disks in his back. Now, I have to laugh at that because for the past two and a half years, no matter how much we tell people that his excruciating pain has been all along his chest area and his abdomen area, they always ask him how his back is. His back has not hurt at all...leaving the doctor and us scratching our heads in a quandary.

I am so very much relieved at the results as it isn't a terminal illness but at the same time, the doctor didn't sound very hopeful about the location of the herniated disks. We've spoken with some Chiropractor's that aren't wanting to touch it and the physical therapist this past week told Bob that she didn't want to scare him but the road to recovery with his kind of spinal injury is a long, long one if one were to recover at all.

The physical therapy has been extremely tough on Bob. I lovingly call it the torture chamber. After they work his back, he is pretty much incapacitated for a time leaving me with much to do for his care. It has been humiliating for him as well as extremely painful. Simple tasks are close to impossible. When you are faced with the reality that you cannot do these things, it is extremely discouraging and damaging to you emotionally as well. I keep reminding him that the things I am having to do for him is just a small dot on the scale of life as someday he might have to change my diaper. Does that make him feel better? I doubt it but it did make him laugh and that is something you must keep doing when life has so much to bear.

One of the things that the physical therapist told Bob was that he needed a heating pad. To us, this is a very difficult task due to our financial state. But we know who can provide and so I began to pray. Sometimes I have to snicker at what I'm praying for. Who would have ever thought that you would ask God for a heating pad but when it is a need, you ask God. That is one thing that I have learned over the past few years....to rely on God for our every need as He is the only one who is able to provide for our every need down to the very minute detail.

One day we had two offers to borrow heating pads right out of the blue. Bob asked me if I 'twittered or facebooked' our need and I laughed. I had not. But we know that God was on the move. Later that night, we had a knock on the door. I answered it to find that a friend had been at Meijer's and bought him a brand new one. She only said...I thought you might need this today. We both just sat there dumbfounded. I know, I know, with all the astonishing things that God has done in our situation, I should not be the least bit surprised. However, ever time it happens, it brings me to tears of awe and utter thankfulness to God who always follows through on HIS promises.

The Plan

We received the notice from the court that the date was set for the eviction hearing. Friday was that day. We went and explained our situation and it was determined that they would give us 30 days. So we have to be moved out by the 13th of July.

I have to admit that this whole situation is just heart breaking. I don't understand much of it. Why when we are able to connect with our neighbors for the first time in ten years now have to leave? Why can't the doctors figure out what is going inside my husband's body so that he can get better and go back to work? The questions just go on and on. Much of why things happen are unexplainable but we are left with two options. We can either continue trusting in our Lord who tells us not to worry, to let tomorrow worry for itself or we can give up, turning our back on the One who has promised to give us what we need to face the day and all that is in it.

We continue to praise, worship and serve the Lord. Serve Him as we've never served Him before. We choose to hang on to the promises that are in His word even in the face of fear, of being stripped of everything, of the unknown. He is our God and we will not turn our backs on Him. We feel an urgency to be a voice of hope. A voice that shouts the glory of God and speaks of His faithfulness. We will not be silent.

It is extremely difficult to share the intimate details of our struggles with friends, with family and with those of you we haven't met but feel that God is calling us to do this. We feel very strongly that we need to encourage and to leave people with the hope that is in Christ. Even when life is falling apart around us, God has amazingly held us up and shown His love to us.

He loves all of us so very much and His desire is to have a relationship with all of us. He wants us to have a faith that is real. A faith that goes beyond the physical agony. A faith that is pure and righteous through the saving grace of the Lord God Almighty.

Many of you want to know what our 'plan' is but to be honest, we haven't any idea what that might be. It would be helpful in knowing what stuff to store, what stuff to give away but I just don't know. What I do know is that we need to box things up. Where the boxes are going is still up in the air. So our plan is this...we continue to trust God and seek Him for direction, for wisdom, for courage, for strength and that in His time, He will reveal to us what the plan is.

Over the last few weeks, my husband has been through many rounds of blood tests and an ultrasound which have revealed absolutely nothing except that he has a bit of a fatty liver which will clear up as he looses weight. However, a fatty liver does not and is not the cause of the extreme pain that he is in. So we are back at square one without a clue as to what is going on. It's a vicious cycle when you are on medication. One of the side effects is weight gain plus the fact that he hurts so very badly that exercising is extremely difficult. The doctor changed one of the weight gaining medicines out for another which will help with the weight loss and he is just trying to endure the pain while exercising.

In a normal situation, we try to do things to change the course of life. This, however, is one of those times when every avenue we've tried has had the door shut. All we have is to take what is before us, explore all options, and depend completely on God for His provision. He has been so faithful to provide. His promises are true as we've seen them worked out in our own lives. So we continue on....taking one day at a time relying on God's grace, His mercy, and His wisdom.

Fighting Discouragement

To be frankly honest, I haven't felt much like blogging lately. Life has felt a little bit like it's crushing on all sides and it sometimes feels suffocating. I know that God is in control and He continues to provide, gently guiding us along this journey. It is extremely difficult to not become weary and worn down. Some of that is my own fault because when you are feeling worn out and discouraged, you find yourself just going through the motions of living. In those times, I find myself not filling up on the very thing that gives me strength and courage to meet each day.

One of the things that has completely discouraged me is the fact that there was an offer to pay for health insurance for my husband. As he was filling out the application and ready to hit the submit button, the fine print read that for pre-existing conditions there was a six month waiting period. That to me was a door slammed shut. I don't think its right to have someone pay for insurance while we sit there waiting for six months to be able to even use it.

I guess I was really putting hope in that. That, finally, we would be able to get the medical tests done that would perhaps give us some direction. Right now, as it stands, the doctors are making their best guess. They 'think' he has nerve damage. Let's try this. Let's try that. In the meantime, I watch him suffer so much. I feel, at times, like he's fading away right before my very eyes. He is so very brave and he continues to move forward every day never giving up for one second believeing that God is going to do something great and miraculous.

I believe that too but it's hard to hold on to hope when all the evidence is saying differently. My thoughts often lead me to wonder if I will be a widow or if this thing we are fighting will eventually lead to a path I don't want to go down. There is just so much I don't know, that I don't understand. I don't know what God's will is for him or us. It may very well be what I don't want. I just pray that God will heal him, that somehow He will make a way in this awful suffering.

I do know that God will continue to walk this road with me whatever happens. I do know that God will continue to provide as He promises. I do know that I will continue to praise and worship Him no matter what the day brings. I do know that God is God and His ways are sometimes unfathomable. I am learning to trust Him no matter what is going on around me. I know that throwing temper tantrums, yelling and being upset doesn't change a thing. I know that being mad just puts a divider between the One who can give me what I need for the day and the one who hasn't got a clue about anything (that's me).

I know that I need to rest in the knowledge that God has ordained my steps and the promises of provision that are there for me. That He loves me so very much and that He cares about my tears. His desire is for the growth of my heart and my relationship with Him. Those are the things that are lasting and that are being put through the fire. The things that are of any value will only be more beautiful through this refining. It is an agonizing process but I know, in the end, it's for the glory of God. I may be a bit discouraged today but there is a new day coming. A day of restoration, of hope and of victory. Our God reigns.

What Once Was....

We are soon coming up on the second anniversary of the day I took my husband to the emergency room with severe abdominal pain. This led to lots of poking and tests which ended with the removal of his gallbladder. We thought that was the end of that scary experience not knowing what kind of pain he would be left with on a daily basis.

After rerunning the tests a couple months later and still not finding anything wrong, we were told that perhaps it was just fluid build up that would take a bit of time to go away. Now two years later, he is still suffering. We've been told that it's probably nerve damage by a couple different doctor's. It seems like everybody is just taking a stab at their best guesstimate. Not having insurance doesn't help. It's affecting his life, our life. Everything we do has to be scheduled around how he is feeling and the pain medication he is taking.

This has had such a volcanic impact upon where we are at right now. It erupted and now continues to flow downward taking with it all that is connected. His ability to work. Our vehicle. Our home. Things that we once thought we could count on are no more. One of the things that just breaks my heart is watching him come in the door from being at a meeting, a customer site or even just church and seeing him in so much pain he could hardly make it home. Then, we all make a mad dash for the couch to clear it off so we can get him to lay down. Laying down seems to take the pressure off and helps to relieve it some.

Sometimes I get a frantic call from the kids telling me to get home because they are scared that Dad is going to die. If he sits in one position too long, stand's too long or if he is in the car, it seems to set it off tremendously. Intense pain makes him drop things like his favorite Mackinac coffee cup which shattered, makes him scared that he is going to drop his little ones, makes him cry when his two year old tells him it's going to be alright, Daddy. Little things are huge. One time he was on the way home from a customer site in Marine City and the tire on the car went flat. He was under the car trying to get the spare out and hurting so bad that he couldn't finish it. Who do you call? When you are a sobbing mess and faced with the realization you can't do the things you use to do, who do you call for help?

It's hard to come to terms with the fact that what was once is no more. Where do you go from here? How do you adapt so that you can continue moving forward? Continue living? It's difficult not to be angry. Not at the person but the circumstances. It seems like everything we've tried is just not working the way we need them too. The losses, the frustration, the inability to take care of ourselves is overwhelming. How do you go on from here?

As a wife, this is an extremely scary road to travel. My mind goes in all different directions with the what if's which pretty much try to overwhelm me and render me incapacitated. I've had to force myself to focus on the fact that God is bigger than all of this and that He promises to give us what we need to walk the road He has allowed. He knows the beginning from the end and the end from the beginning. I need to trust Him, that he has it all under control. I don't understand any of it but I know that I trust my Lord and I know that He promises restoration. I don't know how that restoration is going to come about but I know that it's a promise and God always follows through on his promises. It may not be what I want but it will be for His glory.

The one thing that I have watched through all of this is the determination to never give up, the refusal to give up hope, to continue moving forward, giving all that he can inspite of how he is feeling to us and to those he serves through our business and whoever he comes into contact with, emerge with amazing resound. His faith in the Lord God has been such an amazing blessing. I am so thankful that he has refused to be beat down by all that we are going through but instead has a firm resolve to share a hope and a smile with everyone. His strongest heart's desire is to pray with and for people and I've seen him touch, encourage and share with so many that it overwhelms me with tears of thankfulness.

The worst thing we could do right now is to sit down, have a pity party and give up. That would only shut down God's willingness to work through this, taking our suffering and making it worth something. Paul talks about counting it all joy when trials come and I have to say that even in the midst of my tears, in the midst of my anguish, I am so thankful that God has given us both the opportunity to grow in our faith, to be able to share our testimony with so many and to encourage those around us to keep looking to the Lord.

There are so many things that God has done through this situation and so much that we have learned about God and His love that I wouldn't trade it for anything. In fact, I might even be willing to go through it all again if it meant that one life would be saved and headed for God's Kingdom. Let's not forget to mention my own heart being awoken from a slumbering sleep.

I encourage you who are feeling discouraged, you who feel God has left you, you who feel as if your heart has been shattered into a million pieces, you who are struggling or are scared, to seek God out. His arms are always there, open and waiting for you to come to Him. Study, study, and study the scriptures in His Word. There is comfort, there are answers and there is everything we need to meet each day with courage. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I know God is already moving on my behalf arranging for there to be what I need to walk through it....if only I will willingly receive it.

I Am President.....

Hear me 'Roar!'

I am the president of our company, Bob's PC Pro LLC. Why, I don't know but it does have it's benefits. I've met some very neat business owners who are trying to get their name out there and make a difference in our community. One other benefit is that I have to attend 'PPN'. For those of you who are wondering what that is, it is this....Presidential Pie Night. I have a very good friend who is also the president of her company and PPN happens to be like a support group for us.

Anyway, I wanted to take a minute to talk about our company. My husband has 14 years of experience in the computer industry. Since losing his job last May, we decided to embark on a scary (for me) adventure. It's hard getting your name out there so that people become familiar with it and find out it's a name they can trust. It really has been a learning experience for both of us.

One area we are trying to specialize in is 'Remote Support.' What a pain it is to have to pack your computer up and take it in somewhere. With remote support, we can hook up to your computer through a secure connection and see what the problem could be. You can even watch what we are doing...how's that for some fun entertainment??! There is no cleaning involved to make your house presentable for someone to come to your home and you can even be in your pajamas without us knowing :-) Of course, if we find out that it is a hardware problem, then you will need to make human contact which we also do too. Unless of course, you are in Wyoming....then we would recommend you take it in somewhere near you.

We've had several people attempt to go through a well-known company's remote support only to not understand the person on the other end of the phone line along with them just wanting to wipe out your computer's hard drive losing important information. Often times, they get their computer back in worse condition then when they originally took it in along with having to pay tons of money for a non-fixed computer. My husband has been able to help repair computers without losing any data. We also run our business on integrity and make sure it's working right before we are finished. He is really good at what he does. This isn't just a hobby for him, it's a passion. He loves technology and he loves impossible computer problems. This makes him excellent at what he does.

If you need help setting up a business email for your company, are in need of a website or would like to purchase a computer through Dell, we do that too. Why not give us a try? We would love to be of service to you!

Did I mention I'm the advertising specialist too....lol!

Grieving

It occurred to me as I was sitting in my car today while waiting for my mother to come out of her doctor's appointment, that it was raining and all around yucky kind of day (on the bright side...it was almost 60 degrees in January which I'll take without complaint). Have you ever noticed that it always seems to be raining after a loved one has passed on. Maybe it's just coincidence but that is what it really seems like to me. As the rain was pouring down, I thought how appropriate it was as it is a solemn, reflective time for our family.

Death really gets one thinking. I think about all the ones left behind and what impact this has on them. I think about how losing one close to you changes everything. How you spend the holidays, how you look at your caller ID and it still has his name there, things that irritated you like being called Shiela when your name clearly was not that but now you wish you could hear it again, the way that person laughed....it still rings in the air. I think about my own death. Would I leave a big hole as my own father's death has. What kind of legacy am I leaving? What kind of impact am I having on those around me? What am I leaving behind that will be worth something and I'm not talking about money.

It's been fourteen years since I lost my Dad and seventeen years since I lost my Grandma. Their deaths have left a gaping chasm in my life that nobody can fill. Their lives left such an imprint on my life which I carry with me. I am so thankful that they loved God with all of their hearts and that one day I'll see them again. It's never easy to lose another loved one. It brings back, like a rush of flooding waters threatening to consume everything in it's path, many of the emotions I've felt from those I've lost before. Death is so very much part of this life. I look forward to the day when God wipes our tears and death is no more. For now....I've got a lot of livin' and lovin' to get in. Here's my 'Wish' for you.....I couldn't have said or sung it any better.

Clinging....

UPDATE: He just passed away moments ago. Please keep our family in your prayers.

1/7/2008 UPDATE: They've taken my father in law off most everything including the heart and oxygen monitors except for a drug that is suppose to kick start his kidneys and lasix. They've moved him to a different room. He's somewhere between the Cardiac ICU and Hospice. If his kidney's decide to work, they will consider him for blood filtration but if they don't....it continues to not look good.

My Father in law was admitted to the hospital on Christmas Eve with a mild heart attack. The doctors decided that he needed surgery but an infection surfaced in his leg where he had fallen a couple weeks earlier. Before they could do the surgery, the infection needed to be gone. So antibiotics were prescribed.

Saturday we got a call from my sister in law telling us that he had another issue with his heart while trying to help the nurse get him back in bed. His oxygen levels were low and he wasn't feeling well. That evening, we got another call from his other sister telling us that he was throwing up blood. Then around midnight or so, we received a call from the doctor letting us know that he didn't think Bob's dad would make it through the night.

Most of the family went to the hospital to be with him. My sister in law and her family flew in from out of state. They've all been around him. He doesn't know what the fuss is all about. He says he's not going anywhere. Perhaps that is why he is still hanging on.

He's still here with us but his chances are slim to none. The doctor now thinks the surgery won't help him. His system is just too weak and his heart is too worn out. Bob's trying to spend as much time as he can with him but I worry about him. He hasn't slept much and I haven't been able to be with him since these beautiful children need a parent at home. My heart is there. Bob is trying to be there for everyone....trying to keep hope alive.

This is bringing up many memories from my own father's death. He had a rare heart disease and fought it for 18 months. It's horrible to watch someone close to you fade away. Even though, I know he was a believer.....it's still hard to let go. He's been gone for 14 years but I still think of him so very often. I wonder what kind of relationship he'd have with my kids. I wonder if he'd still be involved with the Wednesday night program at church. I wonder if he'd still get so excited about the seed catalog coming in the Spring. Would he still make his list of seeds that he wanted to plant by May? Would you still be able to see sawdust floating in the air of his home? Would he still be making those silly pinewood derby cars? Would he still be wearing that worn out old sweatshirt? I wonder...

Happy Birthday, Dear

Today was my husband's birthday. It's funny when you get older. Sometimes your birthday is just like any other day. Kind of like some of our dates. I remember when it use to be so romantic...holding hands and being all kissey-faced. After 14 years, five kids and two new additions, sometimes a date consist of Costco and Starbucks. I suppose I should be grateful for an uninterrupted trip to Costco and by all means, the Starbucks is a treat but I do reminisce about the good ol' days.

Bob went to visit his Dad who happens to be in the hospital and then he went to Meijer's for me. How fun is that on your birthday? He is a dear and very precious to me. He tries to keep my kitchen clean because he sees me working so hard at keeping the laundry pile down and figures that is a full time job. I think he also knows how very much I hate doing dishes. He goes out at Midnight to get milk so we have it for cereal in the morning.....he's always looking for ways to help his family.

I want you to know, dear, that all those things never ever go unnoticed. I am so very grateful for you and I hope you know how very much you are loved.

Happy Birthday, Sweetie!