More Tests....

It's been a whirlwind of a month full of doctor appointments for Bob and I both along with more tests for Bob, the final countdown for the baby's arrival with a sprinkling of kid activities thrown in there. Just reading that makes me tired, for sure. I am not sure how we fit it all in but there it is....Life.

We got the results back from Bob's EMG test and everything looks good. This is frustrating and it is awesome news all wrapped up into one neat little white sheet of paper explaining all this from the doctor. We very much want to find out what is going inside Bob's body but at the same time are praying so very hard that it is not something terminal while trying to maintain some kind of hope that it is curable. Since we still haven't any answers and considering Bob's pain level when getting that test done and the result being good, the doctors, who are scratching their heads in disbelief, prescribed a myelogram test.

It is not a fun test to have especially when you are in severe pain constantly. They remove a small amount of your spinal fluid and inject same amount of dye at the base of your spine. Then, while you are laying on this table with handles to hold onto, they tip your head down to let the dye run from the lower spine all the way up. During this process, they take lots and lots of pictures.

In Bob's situation, they injected the dye which decided to just get caught in his lumbar spine and stay there. We now know it's because he's got some bad disks in that area along with some arthritis which makes it more difficult to get the dye past. After repeated attempts of trying to get the dye to move on up the spine, they were somewhat successful but the poor guy was put through the wringer to get this to happen. As he was lying on the table crying, the doctors were trying to decide whether to proceed any further to try to get it up into the C-Spine area which is the neck area. They decided not to.

After they completed the test, Bob had to stay in the hospital for several hours to monitor the spinal area. Spinal fluid loss is just not a good thing. He was released to go home later that day with strict instructions to do absolutely nothing. You do not want the puncture in the spinal area to break open. So for 48 hours, I watched for any signs of leaking and had to become the armed drill sergeant to keep him from trying to do anything.

He didn't do too badly for the first 24 hours except for a bit of a headache which they said was normal. However, by late evening and early morning following that, his head was hurting so excruciatingly bad that I ended up taking him into the ER. Apparently, the fluid can leak into the muscle tissue and not be visible to the eye since it's leaking on the inside which was what was happening to Bob. He had a spinal headache that was making him throw up. They did a procedure called a 'blood patch' which provided relief in just a short period time. After a couple of days, he started up with another headache but not quite as bad this time. This is apparently normal also as your body is trying to rebuild the lost spinal fluid. Definitely, not a fun test to have.

We saw the doctor yesterday regarding the results of the myelogram. It showed that in the lower spine he's got some arthritis and disk herniation along with a couple little spots of spinal narrowing but nothing that should cause him this severe of pain or any of what is going on with Bob. Since every test he has had is coming back mostly fine, the doctor wants to revisit the idea of Fibromyalgia. There is no test that can confirm completely that is what is going on. It is a process of elimination. His symptoms kind of go along with that theory. They have him started on a new medication to see if it helps. So they will be testing that on him for the next few weeks to see if there are any changes.

In the face of that diagnosis, we are dealing with some disappointment because there is no cure. Just as we have for the last three years, we are trying to find a way to function, to live and deal with the debilitating pain that has become such a part of our lives. To come to terms with the fact that was once normal may never be again. To trust God with it all and allow Him to make some kind of good out of it. We have to put our lives, the lives of our children, our hopes and dreams and plans in the hands of God.

It is very difficult to give up what you want and to trust God with it all. My independent spirit wants what I want but God wants us to want what He desires. If we can somehow let go and let God do what He does, this whole situation will turn out amazing and glorifying to Him. It's my own selfishness that gets in the way and prohibits God's plan. So once again, I come before the Lord, giving it all to Him and am desperately trying to leave my hands off it. He has promised us HOPE and a FUTURE. He will restore us maybe not as we envision but as He has envisioned and known before time began.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The Pain Patch

After the whole fun trip to the social security office with a side trip on the way home to the emergency room just to kick the weekend off with a bang, we were able to make an emergency appointment with the pain doctor for the following Monday. It was an agonizingly long appointment. But don't all doctor appointments seem agonizingly long when you don't feel too swell?

A visit to the pain doctor usually is long. They have to ask lots and lots of questions as to how you are doing since your last visit. What kind of pain brings you in there to see them and so on. This you have to tell to the first nurse and then the nurse practitioner and then the doctor. As Bob is laying there in agony, I have wondered if it was possible to round up all three and have them come in there so we could do this all at once. Or maybe we could just record it and they could go over it later? I guess that is not their policy. I thought it was a good idea.

After going over what happened at the disability appointment, his overall pain levels and the concerns our family doctor has as to the effects debilitating pain has on the mind, they gave us two choices. One was a pain patch that has to be changed every 72 hours. The other was morphine. We chose the patch or should I say I chose it on his behalf. By the time we got to this part of the appointment, he was in too much pain to make a conscious thought or decision. Kind of like when we were at the ER and the nurse asked him what his pain level was at and he told them...ah, a 6 or a 7. The nurse then looked at me and I said how about we try a 12. The nurse said that she'd go with my answer since it seemed more in line with what was going on.

He also is having an awful time with his balance. His pain levels are throwing everything off including that along with some of the medication he is taking. The doctor's office was offering to prescribe a walker but Bob isn't ready to go that route right now so we opted for a four prong cane. There is nothing about what is happening to him that isn't frustrating and somewhat humiliating. It's hard when you are at a point in life, when canes, walkers and narcotics are not where you want to be or should even be. To not have any real concrete answers as to why just adds to the weight of the whole situation. There are some other things that the doctor could try to ease the pain if only we knew exactly where the source of pain is coming from. For now, those are on the back burner.

He's been on the pain patch for a couple weeks now. They are hoping between the patch, another narcotic, a nerve blocker and an anti-inflammatory, that it will help him at least have some relief. It has helped. It's brought the pain levels down a notch enough to let him sleep more than he was, to get around the house in small doses and to be able to take a shower without help. However, he still has awful periods of pain off and on during the day which they warned us would happen. We have another visit to the pain doctor in a couple weeks to which they will determine if they need to up the dosage on the patch to the next level. So far, I'm thinking they are going to have to. While it's helping, he is still not able to do a whole lot.

He's hoping that if they could just get the pain down lower, he could work. That is so heavy on his heart. His not being able to provide for us has been one of the worst things about this whole situation. We continue to pray for his healing. That God will bring that about soon but we also know that God has a plan and a purpose for all of this.

We both want to share the hope of Christ in even the most desperate situations that we face. It's hard sometimes. We've experienced despair, discouragement and moments of hopelessness but we know beyond all that, God fills us with the grace, the strength, and the courage to face each day as it comes. One reason we are able to do that is due to the prayers that are going up on our behalf and the spiritual food we are constantly feeding our souls. How could you survive one moment of affliction or trials without your eyes properly focused on the One who is our source of strength, our source of courage and on the One who gives us life? When my eyes lose that focus, that is when I fail to function in hope, courage and strength.

If you are in a desperate situation, remember that God has not forgotten you. He has his eye on you and will not let you go. Seek Him with your whole heart and hang onto to him. He is the only way, the only truth and only through Him do we have what it takes to live this life.

A Day at the Disability Office...

This past Friday we had an appointment to file for disability. We had previously filed awhile ago but were denied. They don't like 'pain' as a diagnosis. We could have appealed but needed an attorney which we couldn't afford and didn't know who to go with along with the fact we were scrambling to find a place to live and pack the contents of our home. So here we are again....

We visited with a lawyer recently to discuss just exactly how to go about all this and to seek some advice. He suggested we just refile and then, he would help us from there. He was pretty confident that we had a great case for filing as anything that requires Bob to attend outside of the reclined position is excruciatingly painful and leaves him curled up on the floor in a sobbing mess. The lawyer saw this in action firsthand. This is so humiliating for him but hasn't much control over it when the pain is that bad. The hard part is me getting him to the car when he's in that position.

We had previously filed online but the lawyer told us that we needed to actually go into the office so that claims person could see for herself what kind of shape he was in. I guess they have a list of mental evaluations that they make while you are in the interview. So this is what we did. We went into the office and filed.

It was a horribly long, long interview as they gathered any and all information. After about the first half hour, Bob was incapacitated and absolutely unable to answer any of the questions to which I ended up finishing up the interview for him. At some point, Bob was on the floor hunched over holding his cane sweating so badly that his hair and shirt were absolutely soaked just trying to maintain breathing that the security guard came over asking us if we needed an ambulance or medical attention. We thought if we could get him into a different position that might help so the security guard tried to help him by grabbing onto his sides which are an area of extreme pain. This just catapulted him into more pain. I felt bad for the security guard. He didn't know and felt awful about it.

Periodically, the security guard would walk by and check on him along with some of the other workers. We finally came to the end of the appointment and it was time to get to the car. It was a long, long walk to the car and I had an awful time trying to get him to it. He's so worried that he's going to hurt me or the baby but we try to manage as best we can. I couldn't leave him there. I don't think they'd allow that. :-)

By the time we got to the car, he was doing even worse so I ended up taking a stop at the ER. The pain was more than he could bear. With the help of some nurses, we got him inside and to a bed in no time flat. I am so thankful that there wasn't any wait. That was a small miracle in itself. They ended up giving him a pretty hefty anti-inflammatory/pain shot which settled things down a bit and then we were on our way.

When we got home, our family doctor called and Bob was able to talk things over with him. Coincidentally, Bob had sent him an email earlier that day explaining what a tough week he'd had pain-wise to the point, he's been having to wake me up during the night to help him. The doctor is very concerned with the amount of pain Bob is having to endure for such a long time on his mental condition so he didn't want us to wait the couple weeks we were originally scheduled to go back to the pain doctor. So he was to call and see if they could get him in ASAP.

We are hoping that we will hear something from the disability office in the least amount of time possible but it could take 3-6 months. It's in God's hands now. We have a lawyer who is ready to help when the time comes even though we still can't afford him but are confident that God will provide the necessary means as He has been so faithful through this whole ordeal. I know that He will not abandon us just as He has promised.

It's a tough place to be....'in need'. I know that disability and state help is there for those who need it but it's hard to be in a position of need. We have always loved to be the 'helpers' but have had to learn how to accept 'help'. The emotional and mental implications of having been in this position are difficult. We don't like to impose or be a burden but are so thankful for those of you who have offered your hearts, your hands and your sustaining friendship. You are a true example of what the body of Christ is and continues to be....the hands and feet of Christ.

Another turn...

We had a visit with the neurosurgeon to go over my husband's MRI results a couple days ago. The doctor's take on what he saw was that even though Bob has eleven damaged disks, that while there might be some back pain, it is not the cause of his debilitating, chronic pain. He believes there is something else going on. His suggestion was to see a immunologist. It could be an auto-immune/musculoskeletel issue. So we are back at square one.

I cannot tell you how utterly agonizing this is not only to, after three years and several different ideas of what might be wrong, to be back at not knowing. We've been fighting discouragement since we left the doctors office. The idea of it being an auto-immune issue scares me to death. From what I know (which could be potentially dangerous), an auto-immune disease is definitely not a good thing. I felt better with it being a back issue.

The other frustrating aspect of this is that it's been three years and the doctors still don't know what is wrong. This just goes to show you that sometimes our bodies even stump the doctors. Sometimes, it is simply a process of elimination, to find out the answer which takes time. So my husband remains to be a mystery even to the highly educated doctors. I knew he was special!

On the way home from the doctors appointment, Bob kept asking me so where do we go from here. The answer to that is to keep praying, keep holding on to the hope of Christ and His promises and to go see the immunologist. It's step one. Then we go from there....one day at a time.

The discouragement is devastating. It is hanging around my head like a little black rain cloud. I'm refusing to completely give into it but I can feel it threatening to overtake me. I do find it amazing that for the past few days, I keep hearing sermons and words of encouragement from people to be relentless, to never give up. I know that God is trying to tell me something and I need to listen up.

It has been so difficult to face the realities of what is going on. I know that my husband has struggled with the aspect of not being able to provide for us, to watch our family struggle with what is going on, to know that the things you use to be able to do now are impossible or are extremely difficult. I am amazed at what he does accomplish when he is able as he refuses to become a vegetable lying on the couch. However, some days it is quite an accomplishment to just get off the couch and get to the restroom. Our whole world has been turned upside down. The things that were once are no more and we struggle, as do our children, with the unknown....will we be able to again? That is a question I can't answer and it makes me sad.

How do people deal with debilitation? One day you are functioning at full force and the next, a broken individual whether it be a car accident, a stroke, a heart attack or some other health issue. We just do not know what will happen from one day to the next. We have to place our trust in God and to never give up our faith in Him even in the face of the unknown. Without God, you will get swallowed up in the hopelessness of the situation which in my opinion, is worse than the condition itself. Hang on to hope, the hope of Christ.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

We have seen God's promises revealed in our own lives time and time again. I cannot say it enough...that HE will do as HE promised. You may have to wait on HIS timing and that is sometimes difficult but well worth the wait. Do not loose hope. He's got us in the palm of his hand and has a plan for us even in this seemingly impossible situation.

So...even in the face of the unknown and in this place that seems so overwhelmingly impossible, we continue to praise Him--to say Blessed be your name....

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
where your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name...


Blessed be your name
when I'm found in the desert place
When I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name


Every blessing you pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say....
Blessed be the name of the Lord


Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world is all as it should be
Blessed be your name


Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Where there is pain in the offering
Blessed be your name


You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will chose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name...

Pain Treatment - Round 2

I stand corrected. The pain shots that my husband is receiving is not a treatment per se but considered pain 'management.' It is complicated when it comes to chronic pain for there is no cure for it but rather, trying to manage the pain so that you can somehow make it through the day. It was rather overwhelming sitting in the waiting room at the pain clinic watching all the people who are suffering from it. Pain is very debilitating.

My husband had his second round of pain shots last week. This time, though, he was not in and out in an hour and half. After hour 3 passed, I started to panic. I kept hearing someone or should I say I thought I could hear someone sobbing and it sounded like my husband. Of course, the reality of that is slim since he was in the back of the office behind closed doors and I was in the front waiting room with the television blaring and the people talking. Your mind likes to play little tricks on you. Nevertheless, he was in there for double the time and I knew something wasn't right. I kept trying to reason with myself that I was over-reacting and that I needed to calm down. The nurses were so slammed that day so I was trying not to in my panic, bother them so I just waited.

Finally, after another 45 long, agonizing minutes, they wheeled him out. It was a beautiful sight and relief flooded over me. I almost started sobbing right there but I managed to hold it together which is a mighty amazing feat considering being six months pregnant. After we got in the car, he did tell me that he had a pain attack in the very beginning before they even were able to start the shot process. When this happens, he can't move because the pain is so intense. So the doctor had to give him other medication and wait for it to get into action which then put him back in the rotation for the shots. So he was sobbing but it was in the very beginning not at the time I thought I was hearing him.

I cannot tell you how many times over the last three years I have struggled with the very idea that he might in the end die. I know that for every person this is a reality. Our physical bodies are not meant to live on forever but we do have the choice where our spiritual bodies will live. If you've accepted Christ as Lord and Savior, then you will spend eternity in heaven. The alternative choice is hell. I know that my husband belongs to the Lord and if it is his time to go, then I know where he will be. The idea of the separation and not having him here with me is what has me in a tizzy.

I was so relieved when the doctors had determined recently that the source of his pain was his back because it meant that it wasn't a terminal illness. His pain has been such a mystery for so long and to finally have an answer was such a relief. But somehow, I continue to worry. It's my talent, I guess. I worry that his body is going to get tired of dealing with the pain, I worry that his heart will give out, I worry that something else is wrong....I didn't say I made sense all the time. I do find myself checking to see if he's breathing when he's lying so still when he's sleeping. I know, those thoughts can be irrational but it is something that I struggle with periodically.

So the Lord has been teaching me to trust even when nothing makes any sense. I know that if it came to a point where I would lose my beloved, that God will give me the strength and the courage to face that. I have to trust that God will take care of things if that should happen, just as he is taking care of us now. We have seen some pretty amazing God moments. That will never change as long as I hold onto Him.

It's been six days since his second round of shots and we see no relief again. It's very frustrating. It's hard not to get swallowed up in discouragement. We had so hoped that this would even dull the pain some so that he could function a bit more than what he has been able to. For it not to work, is just deeply disappointing. So we keep moving forward, taking each day as it comes. We keep trusting, believing and praying that God will help us find our way in all this which He does and continues to do.....daily.

Tough Days...

Some days are so unbearable difficult and the weight of our situation threatens to squish me. But, I've seen the overwhelming love of our Father through all this as He comforts, provides and showers us with His protection.

Yesterday, my husband decided to try the chiropractor. We are quite familiar with chiropractic care and have wanted to see if it would help Bob's situation. However, the money has been a huge reason why we haven't gone thus far. The second reason we haven't given it a try is because of what happened to Bob at the physical therapy. We were concerned that it would send him into debilitating pain again.

After much insistence from friends and family, Bob went. It was one of the worst decisions ever. It was worse than physical therapy. A friend happened to take him to his appointment and literally had to back his car up to our steps to get him into the house. We got him to the couch where he laid and sobbed ferociously for quite some time. The pain was so intense and it would not let up even with the pain medication.

After quite some time of no relief, we were contemplating a trip to the Emergency Room. However, I wasn't sure how I was going to get him to the car and was wondering if it was worth an ambulance ride. He's been to the ER and they don't know what to do with him either so I wasn't really wanting to go in that direction if we could at all avoid it.

Our wonderful neighbor called to check on him and offered us her whirlpool bath which we took her up on her offer of. I managed to get him over there and up her stairs and into the whirlpool. How? I'm not sure other than it must have been God helping us along. It had an amazing affect on his pain and was able to relieve it enough for the medication to do it's job. Boy, do I wish we had one of those now. Not sure where we would put it but it would be a great help to Bob!

Since the whirlpool's amazing abilities helped relieve some of the pain, we decided against the ER. He's been very exhausted and hurting but is able to move without it causing such debilitating pain which is a good thing. So we are once again, back at our everyday pain management routine. I'm not able to get to church today as I can't leave him by himself but I am thankful we are through the worst of yesterday and on to a brighter day.

I am so thankful that God gives us what we need when the circumstances arise. It is so scary watching someone in so much pain every day. You feel so helpless. Yet, as I go through this with Bob, God gives me the courage to face it, the compassion to comfort, the wisdom to come up with ideas to try to ease and the empathy to pray, pray and pray some more. There are days when I feel like God is so far away and isn't hearing a word I pray but I know without a doubt that He is right here with us, carrying all of us day by day. I've seen the amazing ways God provides even in the midst of all this.

Sometimes I don't understand why God doesn't just fix everything especially since this has been going on and on and on no matter how much I pray. But, I do know that even when God decides not take our afflictions away, He is using it for a glory purpose. By that I mean, He promises to turn things for good and for a purpose that we may not understand at the time. It's not going to be restored until God's purposes are accomplished. Our job is to hold onto our faith, to not give up but to keep finding ways to honor God through it all no matter how much agony you are in. That is a tough place to be....waiting on God. We want relief like now. We are not patient. We wear out and become weary. BUT GOD knows this and He offers those things we need to keep our eyes on him, to keep on running the race, to keep faithful to Him.

I want to encourage you if you are in a place that seems so impossible and so overwhelming to bear each day, to keep your focus on our Lord, to give Him all your hurts, your desires, your dreams. Don't ever give up on God even if you feel like He's not moving on your behalf. Don't rely on what you think you see. Look to His Word, the promises in there are for you, for me and for all who trust in the Lord God Almighty. I've seen them in my own life and continue to be amazed by it. He is truly an amazing God!

Physical Therapy Evaluation

Today, my husband had his midpoint evaluation for physical therapy. He was suppose to think and then be able to tell them how much improved he is. Unfortunately, as we thought about this over the last couple days, we've come to the conclusion that he is doing much worse. It only makes sense since they are messing with the injured areas. Of course, we have to take into account that it's been this way for almost three years now. We are hoping that deterioration hasn't taken place over that period of time and are most hopeful that it's not causing more problems.

The physical therapist did say that one of the problem areas is that the muscle around one of his herniated disks have kind of wrapped themselves around it to protect it from the pain but as it is protecting it, it is also pulling it out even more thus causing more problems. The disks are putting pressure on the nerve that wraps around the abdomen area and builds up on the sides until it feels like an explosion of pain in his chest/abdomen area. It is also affecting his arms and his ability to hold onto things when he hits this 'pain wall'. We've lost quite a few dishes and his favorite Mackinaw Island coffee mug....poor guy! Now we've added some back pain since he started his therapy which is totally not fun.

The physical therapist is recommending that we go for another four weeks and re-evaluate how things are going at that point. In the meantime, we had a recommendation from a friend who is quite familiar with back surgery give us the name of a neuro-surgeon to get a second opinion on this. He is suppose to be one of the best doctor's in the state and comes highly recommended from several people. I pray that he will have some answers for us when we see him in a couple weeks.

I pray we get some answers soon. Bob is just not doing well and I feel so helpless as to what I can do to help him. He finally gave in and sent a pleading email to our family doctor for some stronger medication. He has been trying to avoid the hard stuff because he wants to be able to have his brain function when he gets the opportunity to work on people's computers. Tonight he hit a 'pain wall' and took some of the new pain reliever and it didn't even touch his pain. It is so frustrating because he has tried so many different medications and nothing seems to work very well. When you are in that kind of pain, you want it to stop immediately but his never does. The medication only takes his pain level down to a 4 or 5 where it's not bringing him to tears and this is where he tries to live within everyday. Then, that only lasts for a couple hours and then it's back up again. So the man doesn't sleep much which just exacerbates the problems more.

I just never dreamed at this point in my life that I would become, in a sense, his caretaker. He really is unable to do many things for himself when he hits these 'pain walls' throughout the day. It is very humiliating for him to have to admit that he can't as it would for any one of us. God has blessed him with such grace for which I am so thankful for. I've seen this amazing grace rest on my own father when he was told he was going to die and then throughout the 18 months that he lived after that. It is amazing to see it displayed. It is full of a peace that goes beyond the situation and it's faith building in those who have the blessing to watch it in action. That is God and God alone!

In spite of the amount of pain he is in, he still tries, during his better moments, to do what he can for us. He also tries to continue working as much as he can. I don't know how he functions with that kind of pain but we know that God is the one giving him the strength to continue moving forward every day. God has also kept depression from our door which I thank God for every day. Have you ever seen someone without a will to live? I have and it's not something I ever want to see again and I just keep thanking God and praying for stability in this area.

Amidst our circumstances', we know that God is moving and breathing life into our situation. He is not bound by any impossibility. I cannot tell you all the little miracles we've seen happen which gives us the strength to keep moving forward. God knows exactly what Bob is going through every day and He has a special plan for him. We continue to seek God for healing and for a miracle for our situation but until it happens, we will thank Him....for His provision, for His love, for Him just being the God of our situation.

Finally...some answers

Our six month waiting period for preexisting conditions has finally come to an end. Bob was scheduled for an MRI and we now have the results. Everything came back perfectly normal except for two herniated disks in his back. Now, I have to laugh at that because for the past two and a half years, no matter how much we tell people that his excruciating pain has been all along his chest area and his abdomen area, they always ask him how his back is. His back has not hurt at all...leaving the doctor and us scratching our heads in a quandary.

I am so very much relieved at the results as it isn't a terminal illness but at the same time, the doctor didn't sound very hopeful about the location of the herniated disks. We've spoken with some Chiropractor's that aren't wanting to touch it and the physical therapist this past week told Bob that she didn't want to scare him but the road to recovery with his kind of spinal injury is a long, long one if one were to recover at all.

The physical therapy has been extremely tough on Bob. I lovingly call it the torture chamber. After they work his back, he is pretty much incapacitated for a time leaving me with much to do for his care. It has been humiliating for him as well as extremely painful. Simple tasks are close to impossible. When you are faced with the reality that you cannot do these things, it is extremely discouraging and damaging to you emotionally as well. I keep reminding him that the things I am having to do for him is just a small dot on the scale of life as someday he might have to change my diaper. Does that make him feel better? I doubt it but it did make him laugh and that is something you must keep doing when life has so much to bear.

One of the things that the physical therapist told Bob was that he needed a heating pad. To us, this is a very difficult task due to our financial state. But we know who can provide and so I began to pray. Sometimes I have to snicker at what I'm praying for. Who would have ever thought that you would ask God for a heating pad but when it is a need, you ask God. That is one thing that I have learned over the past few years....to rely on God for our every need as He is the only one who is able to provide for our every need down to the very minute detail.

One day we had two offers to borrow heating pads right out of the blue. Bob asked me if I 'twittered or facebooked' our need and I laughed. I had not. But we know that God was on the move. Later that night, we had a knock on the door. I answered it to find that a friend had been at Meijer's and bought him a brand new one. She only said...I thought you might need this today. We both just sat there dumbfounded. I know, I know, with all the astonishing things that God has done in our situation, I should not be the least bit surprised. However, ever time it happens, it brings me to tears of awe and utter thankfulness to God who always follows through on HIS promises.

Despairing...

This has been a pretty tough week. I just laughed as I wrote that because every week seems to be tough. How do you determine which is tougher or rougher than the other? Each has been unique in it's adventures that we've journeyed. This one though, has been tough emotionally.

I've been able to maintain a pretty good outlook other than a few days here or there. However, this week I've been really battling despair. I'm sure it doesn't help that I've also been battling a nasty cold. When you are ill, you become pretty intolerant of the little things that are all around you. The little ones yelling that their toots smell like moldy cheese grates on your nerves a lot quicker, the neighbor kid knocking on your door to tell you that one of your kids sneezed on him tends to give you a twitch, and the people in your home seem to find all your nerves and purposely stand on them while seemingly enjoying it. You find that your smile is no longer attainable but instead, Dr. Frankenstein is rearing his ugly square head.

I heard recently a little quote that seems to ring true. "Despair and discouragement are the quickest way to put yourself out of circulation." When you allow those things to leak in, it really does put a wedge in your communication with God, with those you love and with yourself. Satan just loves it when we knock our own selves out of whack. Makes his job much easier. His goal is to make us quite distracted and focused on ourselves so that we are useless to further God's kingdom.

So here I am, despairing about where we are going to live, where we are going to store all our stuff, what are we going to do with this or how are we going to handle that and the weight of the whole situation just kept getting heavier and heavier till I felt I was suffocating. I don't react well when I feel like I'm a cat in a cage. Claws can be pretty devastating to those who stand in it's way.

How do you get beyond all that frustration and discouragement is the question. Well...sometimes, it takes someone you love very dearly to help straighten you back around and to lovingly and firmly replant your feet in the right direction. Although, when this happens the hackles rise up and make me recoil at first thinking that perhaps it will be a long, long time before I ever have anything to say to him again but after pondering all that has been said, my heart seems to find it's way back home. I do believe that God knew we would need our mates not just to love us but to lovingly help us through tough times.

God is the most important part of this equation. His word encourages me not to be anxious, to not worry about tomorrow, to trust in the shelter of His wings and that He will provide for our needs. It's when I try to take on the weight of our circumstances and try to carry it all, that I get myself into trouble. It's hard to wait on God's timing. I do believe that the waiting is one of the hardest things to do. I know that God has got this whole situation under control and that no matter where we end up and where our stuff ends up, that it will work out in the end. It's getting there that is the struggle.

I'm just so thankful for God's abundant grace. I know that when I am at my weakest point, that God is waiting with open arms of love ready to embrace even the most wretched heart if we are willing to allow Him to do so.

Brokenhearted

Revelation 21:4 (NLT): He will remove all of the sorrows and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. For the old world and its evils are gone forever....

It's been a really rough week. This is a tough post to write as my heart is once again liquefied and broken. This seems to be a familiar state for us and I wonder just exactly what God is trying to do as far as molding us and shaping us into what He needs us to be. It hurts. It's agonizing. It's gut wrenching awful. Yet, I know that as we go through these experiences that He is producing so much in us, helping it to take root and to grow. Changing who we are.

Over Easter weekend, I had some issues with our baby which led to a doctor visit and an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed that there was no heartbeat and that our baby had died around 8.5 weeks. A D&C was scheduled and I am now on the recuperating end of things. I am experiencing all the pleasantries of postpartum only with no baby and that makes this super hard.

Some may dismiss early miscarriages as easy to 'get over' but it isn't. Somehow God integrated a mother with her child at conception. Her emotions, her physical and her mental all are connected to the baby even before she ever lays her eyes on the child. I have lost two before this one between Grace and Ryan. It still makes my heart ache remembering. It is comforting to know that they are in heaven and I will get to meet them one day. But for today, I need all the courage and comfort I can receive from our Lord. The one who knows the pain and agony of losing a loved one. God promises to be close to the brokenhearted. He has shown me that comfort through many friends and family who have also lost.

Our Aaron has been an amazing source of encouragement to me. At five, he amazes me with his astute understanding and compassion. I know that God has placed that in him and is developing it. We all are given gifts and it astounds me how God uses them to minister to others. What is even more astounding is watching a child use those gifts. One day as I was laying on the couch, I realized that he had cuddled up to me, folded his hands, closed his eyes and was praying for his mother and our baby. The tears ran down my face as I listened to his prayer and the compassionate understanding he was sharing with God. It was a short prayer but it was powerful. He also had asked me where it hurt. I gently told him that my heart was where it hurt the most. He's been cuddling up to me, off and on throughout the day, blowing kisses to my heart because kisses make boo-boo's better.

One of the questions we struggle with is...Why? Why did this baby have to die? One of our children came to me questioning why God would take a baby from us when we prayed for it. I struggled to answer that. How do you answer your child when you struggle with the answer yourself?

Sometimes there just aren't any answers. You have to continue believing and trusting that God knew best. Isn't that what faith is? Believing without being able to see. I believe this is just another experience in our lives right now that is strengthening our faith, taking that faith to a new level and making us believe and trust even when we just don't understand and nothing makes any sense.

The battle is on. We are in a fight for our faith. Satan doesn't care about us but he does care about the faith we have in God. If you have that faith, he is determined to smack it down until you give up and turn your back on God. Then he has succeeded. God didn't take our baby away to be hurtful or as his judgment on us but He did allow it to happen because He cares about my faith and the strength that it has. He cares about whether my faith is real and whether I can trust Him no matter what is happening to me and around me. Is my faith authentic?

My husband asked me, the other night, whether I was trusting God because we have no other choice or if I was trusting God because I wanted to. The answer was heart breaking to me. I think, sometimes, that I am trusting God because we have no other choice, because we are not able to help ourselves, because I have no control over what is happening. It's hard looking at your heart in the mirror and finding out how wretched and sinful it is.

My heart's desire is to fully trust and believe in God's promises no matter what my circumstances are. That, when I look in the mirror, that my heart will reveal the character and Christ-like behavior that is pleasing and acceptable to my Abba Father. I've got a long ways to go. A lot of work still needs to be done in my life and in my heart but I am so thankful that my eyes have been opened so that those changes can be made and that I am willing.

God gives me the faith and the courage to meet each day no matter how difficult it is to face. He gives me the hope to share with other's as we walk this journey. He is our strength, our courage, our provider and the lifter of our heads.

Romans 8:18-19 (NLT): Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will give us later. For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are.

The Sickies

There is one thing that I try to avoid more than anything else and that is the throwing up kind of flu virus. I know, you are probably laughing at this announcement as you think about me running about with my five kids. Kids seem to be the bearer and spreader of viruses. We even went so far as to stay home from church the two weeks before Christmas. You may think this is extreme but we've been caught too many times during the holiday season dealing with the flu. Let me assure you, it is a real downer to the holiday!

An invitation to a cute little girl birthday party came in the mail to which we agreed to go. What was I thinking? A night full of bouncy fun, pizza and cupcakes were planned along with lots and lots of cute little people under three and a half feet. Should I mention the squealing that was heard to the 30th degree? Two days after the party, our five year old threw up. Maybe a change in my thinking would be good. I say we need to hibernate from two weeks before Christmas to hmmm, let's say....May.

One of the downsides to having a bigger size family is times like these. I always hope that only one kid will be down with illness at a time. I cross my fingers and pray, begging God to spare the rest of us but then, the next kid will begin the process. Ahh...nuts, I say. As one by one, each member of the family succumbed to this sickness, I was determined to remain healthy. I detest throwing up and thus, me running the race to not do that.

In my determination, it may appear to some, mainly my husband, that I am unsympathetic or uncompassionate. One of the things that is important is to maintain healthy air within the home. So we open the windows, widely. I know that it's only 15 degrees outside but I encourage the family to just cover up under blankets and allow the temperature to drop four degrees. Is that so much to ask? It is very difficult to try and not breathe in a house full of the ickies. I can only imagine what the neighbors must be thinking when they hear me yank open the door and run outside to inhale the oxygen that is outside the home.

My husband always wants me to sit with him or hold his hand when he's sick. I suppose wiping him down with Lysol wipes might be going a bit too far? I don't know....maybe. As I was sitting in the office, catching up on some email, I hear this little blip coming from the intercom on the phone. When I looked at the interface screen on it, it told me that it was coming from the phone my darling husband had near him. Is that anything like him ringing a bell for me to get something for him? I'd say so. You can only guess how well that went over.

By the end of the week, I ran screaming from the house. I was feeling a bit claustrophobic. Just how many people can you sit on your lap at one time? There was a church meeting and I went. While there, I got a text message telling me that the final child has blessed the hallway. That left only me, the lone ranger. Ever feel like the odds are against you?

The following evening, the lone ranger lost the fight and joined the ranks of the rest of the family. It's good every now and then to experience a brief moment in time when you think you are dying and never ever again want to partake of food. It makes the moment you are better, seem like heaven. Ah...sweet, sweet food. Then, there are the cheers coming from Ryan, our seven year old, who had just come from the bathroom, empatically announcing that he once again had solid 'poop'. The things we take for granted....

The Mop

Once upon a time we had a mop. It was several years old but it worked sufficiently except for the sponge head that was wearing out. Mop heads do that, they wear out from use. So I went on the search to find a new mop head replacement that would once again clean the floor like nobody's business. Little did I know that they discontinued that particular mop and I could not find a mop head to fit it, not even a generic. However, I was hopeful that I would eventually come upon one and all would be well with the world. So we waited and we continued to mop paying no mind to the disintegrated pieces that it left behind.

Time passed and more of my old mop crumbled away leaving one of the ends unattached giving it the name, floppy mop. This makes it incredibly difficult to get this task done and it also increases the frustration point of the user. Instead of paying for a counseling session on how to properly vent one's anger towards a mop, I decided that it was time to look for a whole brand new mop instead of just a replacement head before there was nothing left of the old one. I tend to procrastinate sometimes. This was one of those times until my husband happened to be with me on a trip to the store and strong armed me into purchasing one. I guess he likes clean floors.

Down the mop isle we went. I said maybe we should wait. He said today was a great day to buy a new mop. I looked them all over trying to choose just the right one. The one that would just make my mopping experience special leaving me with the desire to do more. After much consideration, I made my choice. It was the Clorox Butterfly Mop. How could you go wrong with a brand that makes you think clean and a mop that was named after a beautiful little fluttery thing?

I couldn't wait to get it home and use it but first, it needed to age a little. I lovingly placed it where the old one once rested sending the old one to the great mop retirement center in the sky. After days of sticky kool-aid and spilled orange juice made their mark on my dirty floor, I gave in and brought out the new, sure-to-clean Clorox Butterfly mop. I just knew that this was going to be the wonder of all wonders and was all set to show off my sparkling clean floor.

The floor was ready to receive the first swipe at cleanliness. One swipe, two swipes and snap! The mop head was removed from the handle leaving me reeling with such disappointment. What is this that I see, I asked myself? How could this be? My mop which was once whole is now in two pieces. But alas, out of the corner of my eye, I saw my knight in shining armor swoop in on his mighty white steed (his sock feet) and effortlessly save the day. He 'clicked' the pieces back together as they were made to come apart. He assured me it was all better and that I could continue on.

I am here to tell you that this was not nor continues to be the case. The more and more I use this mop, the quicker it comes apart. My exciting mopping experience has quickly dissipated into a Donald Duck episode. My ire is up and this mop has fallen from my graces. My husband heard me in a fit of anger and asked me what exactly was wrong with the mop and so I began to show him. Once it falls off, I can't get it back on and then, I'm left to use the mop head down on my hand's and knees. This does not make for a happy wife, I explained. He looked it over and gave it a try himself only it didn't come apart for him. This only sent more irritation up my spine. Why is it when someone else gives the thing a try, it works perfectly but when I use it, it falls apart a gazillion times. It apparently has a grudge against me.

The last straw was this week when a bout of throw up landed on the floor. I won't go into all the curdled details but a mop was very necessary. Out came the cleaner and then came the mop. One swipe, two swipes and snap! Try and try as I might, the mop head was resisting being put back together. I declared to everyone who would listen that I absolutely refuse to get down on my hands and knees with the stupid mop head and clean that mess up! We all have our limitations.

Being the compassionate wife and mother that I am, came to my senses and did clean up the mess. The smell and the heaving sensations throw up brings is a great motivator to get it out of sight as soon as one possibly can. However, I refused to use the mop. We are not on speaking terms. I suppose I should consider purchasing a new one. I now know what I want and don't want in a mop. But I'm scared to step out and try a new one....

A Do Over Birthday

You just never know how your day is going to turn out once you leave that cozy soft pillow and warm bed. Some days are filled with the ho-hum every day things you do in a 24 hour period and then there are other days....

Since last week didn't work out so well to celebrate my birthday, I decided that we would have a do over birthday this week and today was the day! I bounced out of bed at an early hour not because I was ready to embrace the day but because my two youngest just couldn't do without me. So sleeping in was crossed off the list and I gently and lovingly reminded myself that what mother could resist a child mentioning that she was needed. I put my best face forward, told my pillow that we would once again be together and went to attend to those little darlings.

As I savored my coffee between getting drinks and food for those sweetie pies who are just so cute and always hungry, I kept telling myself how very much it's good to be needed. There isn't much sitting down and slowly embracing the day when there is much to be done for the care of tiny ones whose little eyes full of trust look to you to take care of their every need.

My husband had mentioned to me that he wanted to take me out for a birthday lunch. After the flurry of getting ready and out the door, my husband noticed and lovingly mentioned to me when we got out to the car that our tire was completely flat. *Sob*. I was so looking forward to going out and was desperately telling myself to not be disappointed. I was so not going to be irritated over a stupid flat tire and ruin this day. We've had enough sadness to last us for awhile.

We tried the air compressor but it did nothing to help the tire along. Thank goodness my mother in law offered to come and pick us up to drop the tire off at the fix-it shop and she even offered to drive us to where we wanted to eat while we waited for the tire to be repaired. The trick was getting the tire off. My poor husband who is in excruciating pain daily had to help me and our oldest son try to get the tire off in 15 degree weather along with the snow. Ever hear of frozen lug nuts? Banging on them doesn't really help a whole lot. Somehow we got them off along with the tire and nobody got hurt! I was wondering just how many of us it was going to take.

It ended up good. We got to go enjoy my birthday lunch and the repair to the tire was done pretty quickly and without expense. The one thing I was determined not to do today in the midst of irritating events was to lose my joy. It is so easy to let one thing send your whole day into a tizzy and it affects everybody around you. Before you know it, everybody is upset, nobody is happy and that does not make for a great day.

The other thing that turned out great was that I saw the sunrise. How very glorious it was. It seems to me that lately they have been even more spectacular than usual. It was a beautiful orange that lit the sky all around. Only the creator himself could have come up with that. Thank you God for that today! You astound us with your paintbrush that illuminates the heavens.

Where Did It Go?

Are you asking yourself, where the big, red Suburban went? It's gone. It really was the last thing to go and I cried. We are officially assetless. It's not a place that I ever wanted to be. However, we've come to this place of realization that no matter what you have here, if you have an expensive house or an expensive car, if you've got trust funds, IRA funds, stocks and bonds, or even if you have all your ducks in a row, it really all doesn't matter. What really and truly is the bottom line, is the assets you are building for Christ. Yes, I enjoyed having that car. It was a blessing not only to us, but to those who were driven to the store, to Bible study, to pick up medicine, to run a stranger to the gas station and jump his dead battery and to those who simply rode in it going from here to there. But mostly, I cried because of this situation we are in that seems to have no end.

The one thing that I find most frustrating is talking to the customer service representatives, otherwise known as creditors. When you set up payment agreements with one person, you have another one call you from the same company who assures you that what you set up previously is unacceptable. We had talked to a representative who said if we could come up with one payment that perhaps we would be able to split the next payment up. So we followed her instructions and made the payment. The very next day, 'our case manager', who was really quite snippy, would not accept that agreement and was all out bent on sending the 'repo' guy out.

So on Christmas night, when all were in bed, except my husband and my teenage son, they came for it, setting off the alarm and waking the neighborhood. My husband kindly went out there to offer them the keys, shocking the repo man that he was not raving mad. In return for his sincere and kind attitude, he was able to get the carseat out of it and my Altoids.

It could really make you mad that things happen the way they do, but we really prayed about it. We know that for some unknown reason to us, at this point, all of this stuff is happening and we just have to trust God that He is going to work it all out. Having only one car is really going to be inconvenient. It's going to make things more difficult with scheduling but it is, what it is. God knows our needs and we just have to leave it to Him to work out because everything we've tried to do in our humanness is not and has not worked out. God clearly wants to do something here but the waiting is driving me nutty.

In the midst of all this trauma, I've felt God telling me to just trust Him and to continue praising Him. It's a hard thing to do sometimes, especially when you feel much like a failure or that you feel like God is letting you down. Then, I was reminded of Job. He lost everything and the one thing that stood out to me was his wife. She let her anger and bitterness turn her into this woman who was unsupportive and hateful. That is not the person who I believe God wants me to be nor do I want to let the things of this life, like what we are going through, distract me from what God really wants me to learn from all of this.

So instead of shaking my fist, stomping up and down and having myself a good ol' temper tantrum, I praise God for his mercy. I praise Him for the time that we were able to use the vehicle, for the time He allowed us to live in our home, for taking care of us and providing for our needs. We were so blessed this holiday with so many surprise blessings and we know that God directed them. Even in the midst of heartbreaking crises, somewhere in the middle of it, you will see God's hand of blessing. We have felt His tender care through so many wonderful people and for that I am so eternally grateful.

Handling Disappointment

There are a variety of emotions that we go through depending on the situations that we face. Sometimes we end up on a roller coaster, sometimes up, followed by a sharp decline, followed by a sharp incline that leads into a corkscrew, around and around we go.

I'm really struggling with disappointment and the loss of control. We all have certain things we are happy with and really like. Perhaps it's a car, a house, a newly remodeled kitchen, or perhaps it's someone you really care about. How do you handle the reality when things are lost?

I was really proud of the way my husband could figure out impossible technology problems. It was a gift that God blessed him with and a passion for him. It made him excellent at what he did and allowed him to have a really amazing job. Between offshoring, downsizing and some sudden health complications, his job was taken away. So we decided to embark on a desire he has carried in his heart for as long as I've known him, our business.

Now a year and a half later, I look at where we are at financially, physically and spiritually. It's hard not to succumb to extreme disappointment. It's heart breaking to watch your husband laying there in pain and feel completely helpless. It's hard not to get angry and scream and jump up and down in a temper tantrum. This is so not how I ever imagined my life would be, for us as a couple or us as a family. It's hard to give up your dream. It's hard to face the reality that you physically can no longer do the things that you could once do. Sometimes I feel as if I am suffocating, that the breath is being squeezed out of me. How do you handle that reality?

Sometimes God's plan is way different than ours. In my humanness, I cannot understand why we are going through this or for what purpose. It's hard not knowing. In my mind, it would be so much easier to bear if I could just understand. It's hard to understand why God, who loves me so much, would continue allowing all these horrific things to happen. How do you handle that reality?

The reality is this. Life is so much more than we can fathom. The things that we go through, as believers in the Lord God Almighty, are not for nothing. These things are being lived out here and now for then, Heaven. We are being molded, shaped and formed into being more Christ-like. God's ways are higher than our ways and if it was for me to understand, He would let me in on the secret.

Can you imagine longing for a child for years and year and years until you, in the natural, could no longer have them. All that you are left with is the promise that God whispered in your heart. How do you handle that reality? Well, you continue to trust and believe that God will fulfill that promise. God is in His own time frame not ours. In His perfect time, when no other could claim the glory for a promise fulfilled, He gave Abraham and Sarah the child that He promised them. But then, He asked them to give the child up. How do you handle that reality? You be obedient to what God has called you to do.

God wants so desperately to know that your belief and trust is real. That you are not just trusting in Him so you can get what you want. He is not this sugar daddy in the sky showering down what we ask for so that life can be all rainbows and sunshine. His desire is at your heart. He personally knows disappointment. Look at mankind. He personally knows loss of control. Look at free will. He desires all of us to come to Him freely not because He makes you.

So in my disappointments, my struggles and my frustrations, I purposefully choose not to be offended at the One who gave me this life but instead to be obedient to what He has called me to do and be. I lay down those things that have let me down and I ask God to heal my broken heart and to restore my life as He wants it to be, not what I want. I long for His plan to be my plan. I continue to pray that He will turn things around and show His amazing grace, mercy and glory to all who can see. I look for the moment when no other can claim His glory for a promise fulfilled.

Psalm 34:18-19 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous face many troubles, but the Lord rescues them from each and every one.

Pop Goes The Weasel....

...You ever feel like that? Some days I feel like if things get squeezed any tighter, that very thing just might happen. Just when things seem like they are at their absolute worst, something else happens and I fear I'm going to hear that popping sound. Then doubts and pure agony enter into the mix and I'm all around miserable.

But God is there ever so softly whispering in my ear that He loves me. Do you ever have trouble getting your brain to wrap around that idea? I know that God loves me and that He sent His son to die for me but do I really deep down in my heart KNOW and am able to embrace that love that God has freely given me?

In my growing up, I've had some really great strong foundational truths instilled in me which has shaped my relationship with Christ as it is now. However, I do have this feeling that God is waiting there for me to make a mistake so He, in his Godliness, can take me out. In my opinion, that is very prohibitive of a close relationship and is very stifling. This is NOT the kind of relationship that I desire to have with Him.

We've been going through a very tough time this past year and it's amazing to me all that God is teaching me through it. I can honestly say that I've come to the point where I can thank God for allowing us to be where we are at in this struggle. I'm in awe at God's care and concern of my relationship with him to allow some of these things to happen enough to change the way I understand this relationship I have with him.

One of those things is how I view God's love. My focus has been on only accepting the love that He has as long as I view myself as worthy. I know that I will never be worthy enough to deserve God's mercy or His gift. However, my brain finally has had the 'aha' moment where it's wrapped itself around His love. It really is as simple as this....your love for your children is beyond anything anyone can comprehend, even when they are acting up. You are uniquely connected. God views me through that love (the blood) even when I am less than perfect. We are connected. He created me, He knew my steps and my path before I was formed and yet knowing all the decisions, choices, etc that I would make.....God still breathed me into existence. To me, that's a HUGE connection. His love is all encompassing....every part of who I am.

The other thing that is amazing is this. Many of you know that we lost close to everything when our oldest was just brand new. I admit to you that part of me felt like God let me down. I had this idea that God would care for our needs as He promised, only what He promises and what I expected were two different things. Through this experience, God has allowed me to reconcile my hurt and to see with different eyes how He did follow through with what He promised.

We are a living example of literally depending on God for our daily needs. It's been excruciating to learn this lesson. I always want to know and I stress out/worry about what we are going to do about tomorrow and needing the answers to all of my 'what if's'. God says let tomorrow worry for itself. I will give you what you need for today. Trust me and me alone. He continues to give us our 'manna' daily and I continue to trust and believe in spite of the unknown.

Then finally, God has been showing me to be thankful in ALL things. It is so easy to get into a trap of complaining and being all around miserable. It's been a real challenge for me to not allow my circumstances to determine my attitude. I admit it, I have not always accomplished this every day but I am doing better than I would have even dreamed of being capable of. Being angry, yelling, and all around upset doesn't change anything or any circumstance except to make yourself even more miserable and to affect those around you in a negative way. So as my friend at heluvsme2 recently stated, I'm thankful I'm breathing. If that is all I can find to be thankful about today, I will thank God for my breathing over and over and over again.

Even if life is not what I expect or dream it to be, God's ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. I know, I know and I know that His plan for my life is for my ultimate good and I place my trust, my faith and my belief in the one who created me. I am His and He is mine. His love endureth forever.

I Am President.....

Hear me 'Roar!'

I am the president of our company, Bob's PC Pro LLC. Why, I don't know but it does have it's benefits. I've met some very neat business owners who are trying to get their name out there and make a difference in our community. One other benefit is that I have to attend 'PPN'. For those of you who are wondering what that is, it is this....Presidential Pie Night. I have a very good friend who is also the president of her company and PPN happens to be like a support group for us.

Anyway, I wanted to take a minute to talk about our company. My husband has 14 years of experience in the computer industry. Since losing his job last May, we decided to embark on a scary (for me) adventure. It's hard getting your name out there so that people become familiar with it and find out it's a name they can trust. It really has been a learning experience for both of us.

One area we are trying to specialize in is 'Remote Support.' What a pain it is to have to pack your computer up and take it in somewhere. With remote support, we can hook up to your computer through a secure connection and see what the problem could be. You can even watch what we are doing...how's that for some fun entertainment??! There is no cleaning involved to make your house presentable for someone to come to your home and you can even be in your pajamas without us knowing :-) Of course, if we find out that it is a hardware problem, then you will need to make human contact which we also do too. Unless of course, you are in Wyoming....then we would recommend you take it in somewhere near you.

We've had several people attempt to go through a well-known company's remote support only to not understand the person on the other end of the phone line along with them just wanting to wipe out your computer's hard drive losing important information. Often times, they get their computer back in worse condition then when they originally took it in along with having to pay tons of money for a non-fixed computer. My husband has been able to help repair computers without losing any data. We also run our business on integrity and make sure it's working right before we are finished. He is really good at what he does. This isn't just a hobby for him, it's a passion. He loves technology and he loves impossible computer problems. This makes him excellent at what he does.

If you need help setting up a business email for your company, are in need of a website or would like to purchase a computer through Dell, we do that too. Why not give us a try? We would love to be of service to you!

Did I mention I'm the advertising specialist too....lol!

Getting Together

I don't want to let a very dear friend of mine down as she is certain our adventures of last night will hit my blog. So here it is.....

Bob and I haven't been out much together lately. We really were making a pointed effort to go on dates whether they be for dinner or just a five minute date to Starbucks. Then, when we decided to take on the care of Barbara and Sharlene, that had to be put aside. It was tough. But now, the girls are gone and somehow between homeschooling, having our own business, field trips, park trips, church and so on, we just haven't gotten back into our groove of dating.

Some very good friends of ours invited us (without the children) over for dinner and fellowship. As I sprinted to the car (not looking back once), it felt so odd and unfamiliar to not have to put someone in a car seat, lug the diaper bag, yell for someone to just-get-in-car, run back in the house for something else I just couldn't carry because I don't have eight arms. It's nice sometimes to be reminded you aren't just a mother but a wife too.

On the way to our friends house, I looked over at my husband and realized that his shirt was inside out. So I mentioned it to him. He glanced over at me with a sassy smirk. "I put the shirt on, dear, how it was on the hanger," he said. "I put it on the hanger the way it came out of the dryer, dear," was my response. I thought he would have been happy that it actually got on the hanger and was not a wadded up, wrinkled mess. Apparently, he expects me to make sure his shirts are right side out too. Ugghhh....the pressure. Next thing you know, he'll be wanting me to use that thing that heats up really hot, has steam and you apply it to a piece of clothing that has wrinkles. I think I have one of those in a box....somewhere. I prefer to refluff.....it works like magic.

We pulled off into some parking lot of a closed nursery to do the changeroo. He was trying to be all sly about it. Off the shirt came hoping the tinted windows were enough to give off some amount of privacy. Then, he stepped out of the car to undo his belt to tuck it in. As he's tucking and buckling, a little old man comes walking around the corner with a tilted head and a raised eyebrow. He's probably still wondering what was going on.

The telling of our adventure was quite the ice breaker. We met with a couple other couples who we don't know very well or haven't met at all before. I can only imagine what kind of impression we made. It was a good laugh.

After the evening came to a close and we were driving home, we both were in agreement that we need to get out together more often. It was really fun being a couple.

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Today is my very good friend's birthday. She's an amazing woman who I've had the pleasure of being friends with for a very long time. She's sassy, has an awesome sense of humor, has the ability to make me laugh till my sides hurt and isn't afraid to tell me what she thinks. Her love of her family and for God are an inspiration to me. She always knows how to smack me back into reality when it's needed and she always seems to know when I need a 'pie' night. Her friendship is truly something that I cherish. Happy Birthday, Lisa!!

Happy Birthday, Dear

Today was my husband's birthday. It's funny when you get older. Sometimes your birthday is just like any other day. Kind of like some of our dates. I remember when it use to be so romantic...holding hands and being all kissey-faced. After 14 years, five kids and two new additions, sometimes a date consist of Costco and Starbucks. I suppose I should be grateful for an uninterrupted trip to Costco and by all means, the Starbucks is a treat but I do reminisce about the good ol' days.

Bob went to visit his Dad who happens to be in the hospital and then he went to Meijer's for me. How fun is that on your birthday? He is a dear and very precious to me. He tries to keep my kitchen clean because he sees me working so hard at keeping the laundry pile down and figures that is a full time job. I think he also knows how very much I hate doing dishes. He goes out at Midnight to get milk so we have it for cereal in the morning.....he's always looking for ways to help his family.

I want you to know, dear, that all those things never ever go unnoticed. I am so very grateful for you and I hope you know how very much you are loved.

Happy Birthday, Sweetie!

God DOES Have A Sense Of Humor

Long ago, in the early years of our marriage due to some unfortunate circumstances, we were met with financial destitution. It wasn't pretty and it was a pretty dark period in my life spiritually. I, in no way, think that God is this sugar daddy in the sky that reaches down and removes all strife or trials in our lives. That would be ridiculous. We would never grow in our faith or our relationship with Him.

During that time, though, I remember us not having money for food. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves, do we pay rent or do we eat? That is a very tough question. We chose to pay the rent. But God says in His Word that He will never leave us or forsake us. He also promises to supply all our needs. He did not say that it would be what we have expectations for but that He will supply them accordingly. We were given potatoes. That's pretty much all we had for a time but we had potatoes. I got pretty adept and fixing them....mashed, boiled, french-baked...you get the point. I wasn't really happy about that because I had a small son who needed to eat also and I thought that he should have a more balanced diet.

Awhile later, we were given other food and God did take care of us but the 'potato incident' has stuck with me. Which brings me to present day....

Things are a bit tight for us right now. Starting a new business and adding extra mouths to feed do put a strain on the ol' pocket book. So I'm at the grocery store buying a few things which included a bag of potatoes. I get up to the cash register and the the cashier says to me..."you don't want that bag of potatoes, you want this one because it's buy one get one free." She promptly switches them without me responding other than a drop of the jaw. Don't get me wrong, I was thankful that she was being so helpful because I didn't see the special they were running. She sent me on my way with a..."you'll love them, they are so delicious."

A couple days later, my mother in law shows up with a big box of what you may ask. Potatoes! More potatoes with some carrots and onions thrown in there for variety. Then on Sunday, a dear friend of mine catches me in the hallway and tells me she has a 50 pound bag of potatoes for me in her car.

Now we've got LOTS and LOTS of potatoes. Those dang potatoes are sitting in my kitchen staring at me. They sit there and just watch me walk by. Of course, we ARE eating them but it seems like it's just like the parable in the Bible about the woman and son who never ran out of oil. I keep taking potatoes out and I just can't seem to see the bottom. Who ever said that God doesn't have a sense of humor. He's probably having himself a good ol' belly laugh on this one. I know my husband finds this quite hysterical also. Me....oh, I'm laughing all right.

And by the way, I am very grateful for my potatoes and from what I hear, we are receiving a Thanksgiving basket from our church tomorrow that will indeed have more potatoes.