I stand corrected. The pain shots that my husband is receiving is not a treatment per se but considered pain 'management.' It is complicated when it comes to chronic pain for there is no cure for it but rather, trying to manage the pain so that you can somehow make it through the day. It was rather overwhelming sitting in the waiting room at the pain clinic watching all the people who are suffering from it. Pain is very debilitating.
My husband had his second round of pain shots last week. This time, though, he was not in and out in an hour and half. After hour 3 passed, I started to panic. I kept hearing someone or should I say I thought I could hear someone sobbing and it sounded like my husband. Of course, the reality of that is slim since he was in the back of the office behind closed doors and I was in the front waiting room with the television blaring and the people talking. Your mind likes to play little tricks on you. Nevertheless, he was in there for double the time and I knew something wasn't right. I kept trying to reason with myself that I was over-reacting and that I needed to calm down. The nurses were so slammed that day so I was trying not to in my panic, bother them so I just waited.
Finally, after another 45 long, agonizing minutes, they wheeled him out. It was a beautiful sight and relief flooded over me. I almost started sobbing right there but I managed to hold it together which is a mighty amazing feat considering being six months pregnant. After we got in the car, he did tell me that he had a pain attack in the very beginning before they even were able to start the shot process. When this happens, he can't move because the pain is so intense. So the doctor had to give him other medication and wait for it to get into action which then put him back in the rotation for the shots. So he was sobbing but it was in the very beginning not at the time I thought I was hearing him.
I cannot tell you how many times over the last three years I have struggled with the very idea that he might in the end die. I know that for every person this is a reality. Our physical bodies are not meant to live on forever but we do have the choice where our spiritual bodies will live. If you've accepted Christ as Lord and Savior, then you will spend eternity in heaven. The alternative choice is hell. I know that my husband belongs to the Lord and if it is his time to go, then I know where he will be. The idea of the separation and not having him here with me is what has me in a tizzy.
I was so relieved when the doctors had determined recently that the source of his pain was his back because it meant that it wasn't a terminal illness. His pain has been such a mystery for so long and to finally have an answer was such a relief. But somehow, I continue to worry. It's my talent, I guess. I worry that his body is going to get tired of dealing with the pain, I worry that his heart will give out, I worry that something else is wrong....I didn't say I made sense all the time. I do find myself checking to see if he's breathing when he's lying so still when he's sleeping. I know, those thoughts can be irrational but it is something that I struggle with periodically.
So the Lord has been teaching me to trust even when nothing makes any sense. I know that if it came to a point where I would lose my beloved, that God will give me the strength and the courage to face that. I have to trust that God will take care of things if that should happen, just as he is taking care of us now. We have seen some pretty amazing God moments. That will never change as long as I hold onto Him.
It's been six days since his second round of shots and we see no relief again. It's very frustrating. It's hard not to get swallowed up in discouragement. We had so hoped that this would even dull the pain some so that he could function a bit more than what he has been able to. For it not to work, is just deeply disappointing. So we keep moving forward, taking each day as it comes. We keep trusting, believing and praying that God will help us find our way in all this which He does and continues to do.....daily.
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