Yep, I double and triple checked.

Excuses

It is quite comical when putting kids to bed. They always try to stall by throwing out so many excuses. I am quite use to: I need to kiss Brad, Grace, Ryan and Aaron. I need my Daddy. I need my bear. I need a drink and so on.

I was totally not expecting this one.....

As I was putting Kara, who is two, to bed last night. She started her excuse list. It's almost become a routine. As I was answering the endless list, it suddenly dawned on me she threw a new one in there. After she went through her kiss list, she added her need to hug the toilet. She was quite adamant that that was necessary. As I finished tucking her in and praying with her, she left me with her final request....But mommy, I NEED to hug the toilet. She wasn't going to let that one go. I told her maybe we could see about that in the morning, hoping she would forget by then.

Kids are just hysterical and if you are not paying attention, you'll miss those moments.

The Unknown

It is a difficult place to be when facing the unknown. It's scary, it's unsettling, and it's sometimes a lonely road. Many want to know if things have changed or are wanting to know what we are going to do as we continue to remain in this situation. To be honest, we don't know what we are going to do.

We are in this place that has had ever door closed that we have tried to move through. You could get quite discouraged and we have from time to time. But in the midst of it, we are completely trusting that God is going to reveal the right door, in the right time.

As far as our house goes, I know that we are allowed a six month redemption period which will be up in May. We have been told that we need to wait to hear from the mortgage company before we can do anything. They have to go through the court to evict us so once we hear from them we are given a short period of time to remove ourselves from this home. My nightmare is that the sheriff will show up and tell us to get out without notice. Some friends of ours have seen people scrambling for their stuff as the sheriff has shown up to escort them out. That concerns me greatly.

We are struggling to keep the lights on and the car insurance up to date so even contemplating a place to rent is out of the question. If we can't keep up with the small things, how can we even attempt to take on something as big as a rent payment. We are just in this place of complete dependence on God. Everytime I start to get upset because things are so tight, I can hear them screaming, I hear this little voice that asks me who I am depending on. Is it me or is it God?

I don't understand the longevity of this time we are going through. I don't understand how all the parts of our lives with Bob's health and everything that has happened are all intertwined into one big ball of chaos. There are no answers at this point. All I know is that God has ordained this time for a reason. A reason we may never have an answer for. I can only pray and ask that my eyes be open to the road God has set before us and be obedient to what He calls us to do daily, no matter how agonizing it is.

I try to embrace this time and learn all that I can from it. I pray that all the things I have learned will not only lead to a deeper understanding in my mind but will take root in my heart. I know that there has been no other time in my life when I have grown so much in my relationship with God and for that I have something to cherish. A gift that I could never have if it weren't for this time.

I look forward to the day when God removes the stopper. However, I do not want to go back to our 'old ways' of thinking, of doing life and of living for Him. I can't wait to see what God has in store for us through His restoration.

Fighting Discouragement

To be frankly honest, I haven't felt much like blogging lately. Life has felt a little bit like it's crushing on all sides and it sometimes feels suffocating. I know that God is in control and He continues to provide, gently guiding us along this journey. It is extremely difficult to not become weary and worn down. Some of that is my own fault because when you are feeling worn out and discouraged, you find yourself just going through the motions of living. In those times, I find myself not filling up on the very thing that gives me strength and courage to meet each day.

One of the things that has completely discouraged me is the fact that there was an offer to pay for health insurance for my husband. As he was filling out the application and ready to hit the submit button, the fine print read that for pre-existing conditions there was a six month waiting period. That to me was a door slammed shut. I don't think its right to have someone pay for insurance while we sit there waiting for six months to be able to even use it.

I guess I was really putting hope in that. That, finally, we would be able to get the medical tests done that would perhaps give us some direction. Right now, as it stands, the doctors are making their best guess. They 'think' he has nerve damage. Let's try this. Let's try that. In the meantime, I watch him suffer so much. I feel, at times, like he's fading away right before my very eyes. He is so very brave and he continues to move forward every day never giving up for one second believeing that God is going to do something great and miraculous.

I believe that too but it's hard to hold on to hope when all the evidence is saying differently. My thoughts often lead me to wonder if I will be a widow or if this thing we are fighting will eventually lead to a path I don't want to go down. There is just so much I don't know, that I don't understand. I don't know what God's will is for him or us. It may very well be what I don't want. I just pray that God will heal him, that somehow He will make a way in this awful suffering.

I do know that God will continue to walk this road with me whatever happens. I do know that God will continue to provide as He promises. I do know that I will continue to praise and worship Him no matter what the day brings. I do know that God is God and His ways are sometimes unfathomable. I am learning to trust Him no matter what is going on around me. I know that throwing temper tantrums, yelling and being upset doesn't change a thing. I know that being mad just puts a divider between the One who can give me what I need for the day and the one who hasn't got a clue about anything (that's me).

I know that I need to rest in the knowledge that God has ordained my steps and the promises of provision that are there for me. That He loves me so very much and that He cares about my tears. His desire is for the growth of my heart and my relationship with Him. Those are the things that are lasting and that are being put through the fire. The things that are of any value will only be more beautiful through this refining. It is an agonizing process but I know, in the end, it's for the glory of God. I may be a bit discouraged today but there is a new day coming. A day of restoration, of hope and of victory. Our God reigns.

A Rigorous Course

I've been learning many things over the last three years. To me, it's been a crash course in spiritual muscle development. I prefer to go the more gentle route but someone else thought that I would only learn the things I needed to through a rigorous course in dependence. You should see what happens when you have the legs of what we think security is kicked out from underneath us. It really shows you where your heart is and truly where we view God.

One of the hardest things is to realize that you have absolutely no control over anything. This usually sends me into a fit of frustration and anger. I hate what's happening around me but I am helpless to change it. Every direction we take seems to be met with a dead end. I beg, plead and have vigorous conversations with the Lord and yet, I have no answers. Silence seems to follow me around.

Then, ever so gently, something will happen that was clearly the working of God himself as if to say that He is listening, providing and making a way. Perhaps in my, what I refer to as Donald Duck moments, I am so busy being frustrated that things are not changing that I miss the areas that are.

One thing that I have noticed is that I have great periods of growth that make me feel like I am soaring, that I have learned much and am on that mountain top. Then, there are periods after that, that are valley-like and silent. It is difficult to keep your focus upward in those times and especially after a lengthy crisis. You begin to wonder where God is, if he's forgotten you, if you will ever be on the other side of it. Sometimes we just have to continue trusting God even when nothing makes sense or whether we feel up to it or not. God sees the beginning to the end and the end to the beginning and only He is able to work things out.

So why can't I leave it alone and let Him do what needs to be done. Because I am uncomfortable. Life's situations are ripping me raw and I see the pain and it's effects everyday. My heart yearns to heal the hurts and make things well. But, God did not intend for me to do that. He wants me to learn something through this. He wants me to know and understand the depth of His love. He wants me to know and understand where my dependence should be. He wants me to know and to understand about trusting Him alone.

It's one thing to say that we trust God, that we depend on God, that we know that God loves us and an entirely different thing to fully understand what the reality of that means in the deep places of our soul. When we are placed in a situation that makes us face that in the raw, you find out really what you believe those to be.

Some chuck the whole thing and give up their faith in God declaring that God doesn't love them or He has forgotten them. How could a God of love do that? Others, hang on with all that they have struggling day to day to fight for their relationship with God, knowing that living for Christ was never promised to be easy.

I choose to hang on with all that I have even when nothing makes sense and my world seems to be falling apart. I am broken and liquefied. I am terrified of what may come. But most importantly, I want what I've been learning about God to settle in my soul so that I know without equivocation the things I've learned. Those things which will be stored up as true treasures. I want to learn all that I can about the God who created me so that when I meet Him face to face, HE will not be an UNKNOWN God to me.