Fighting Discouragement

To be frankly honest, I haven't felt much like blogging lately. Life has felt a little bit like it's crushing on all sides and it sometimes feels suffocating. I know that God is in control and He continues to provide, gently guiding us along this journey. It is extremely difficult to not become weary and worn down. Some of that is my own fault because when you are feeling worn out and discouraged, you find yourself just going through the motions of living. In those times, I find myself not filling up on the very thing that gives me strength and courage to meet each day.

One of the things that has completely discouraged me is the fact that there was an offer to pay for health insurance for my husband. As he was filling out the application and ready to hit the submit button, the fine print read that for pre-existing conditions there was a six month waiting period. That to me was a door slammed shut. I don't think its right to have someone pay for insurance while we sit there waiting for six months to be able to even use it.

I guess I was really putting hope in that. That, finally, we would be able to get the medical tests done that would perhaps give us some direction. Right now, as it stands, the doctors are making their best guess. They 'think' he has nerve damage. Let's try this. Let's try that. In the meantime, I watch him suffer so much. I feel, at times, like he's fading away right before my very eyes. He is so very brave and he continues to move forward every day never giving up for one second believeing that God is going to do something great and miraculous.

I believe that too but it's hard to hold on to hope when all the evidence is saying differently. My thoughts often lead me to wonder if I will be a widow or if this thing we are fighting will eventually lead to a path I don't want to go down. There is just so much I don't know, that I don't understand. I don't know what God's will is for him or us. It may very well be what I don't want. I just pray that God will heal him, that somehow He will make a way in this awful suffering.

I do know that God will continue to walk this road with me whatever happens. I do know that God will continue to provide as He promises. I do know that I will continue to praise and worship Him no matter what the day brings. I do know that God is God and His ways are sometimes unfathomable. I am learning to trust Him no matter what is going on around me. I know that throwing temper tantrums, yelling and being upset doesn't change a thing. I know that being mad just puts a divider between the One who can give me what I need for the day and the one who hasn't got a clue about anything (that's me).

I know that I need to rest in the knowledge that God has ordained my steps and the promises of provision that are there for me. That He loves me so very much and that He cares about my tears. His desire is for the growth of my heart and my relationship with Him. Those are the things that are lasting and that are being put through the fire. The things that are of any value will only be more beautiful through this refining. It is an agonizing process but I know, in the end, it's for the glory of God. I may be a bit discouraged today but there is a new day coming. A day of restoration, of hope and of victory. Our God reigns.