Dear Mr. Creepy Spider,
I've noticed that you've taken a liking to my car. It appears to me that you have settled in quite nicely. I realize that you might not understand where I stand on this situation so let me inform you how it is....
I do not nor ever have liked your creepy crawly spider-like body, legs or anything about you. I'm not sure why you must be around to torture unsuspecting characters like myself. If I'm digging in my flower bed, you like to jump out at me and send my heart to palpitating. I also don't find it very funny when I'm using the ladies room (yes, it's a ladies room when I'm in there....when the kids are in there, it can be a bathroom, 'the john', or whatever other cute little word they come up with) and you decide to either scamper across the floor in front of me or run up the wall beside me. Running across the floor in any part of the house is also not appreciated. Oh, and by the way, you should have warned your little spider friend that likes to hang out on my mailbox that I don't like that either. The little Clorox cocktail that we gave him ended his parcel post adventures.
I never dreamed that you would even have the audacity to make your home in my car. I know you are there because you leave a mess when I'm not in there. Webs everywhere....on my dashboard, across my steering wheel, along the window and all around. I don't think that is very considerate of you. My kids are trying to be nice to you by leaving you food to munch on, sticky cups to feed your sugar tooth and anything you could ever want to make a home in. The least you could do is be a little bit grateful.
There is another situation I must address. I do not like it when you try to crawl up my leg when I'm driving. Swerving from lane to lane recklessly is not looked on by the police as being a good driver. I had to pull over two times the other day because you decided to scamper across the window and dashboard while I was trying to get to the store. I wonder what people thought as they passed me by. They probably were wondering what that mad woman was doing with her shoe off, whacking everything in sight.
Since you've shown no consideration in your new home and are refusing to find the quickest exit. Please find yourself served with an official eviction notice. You do not have thirty (30) days. That is only for humans which you are NOT. You are expected to leave immediately. The next time I enter my car, I expect you to be gone for good. Keep in mind when making your choice that it is best to choose wisely. I have a Clorox bottle and I'm not afraid to use it. I also have three boys who could decide to use you for a biology project. Yes, my friend, school is starting up in just a few days......days in which you are limited on.
Respectfully,
The landlord
1 comment:
I know there are some who would ask that you not kill the little bugger but my brother would agree wholeheartedly with you.
Why, you ask? Oh it may be the 3 huge scars left on his arm from the time a Brown Recluse bit him. He was hospitalized for over a week, had an operation to save his arm and nearly lost his life. Had the infection gone to his blood stream he would have died.
HIT THAT THING ONCE FOR ME TOO PLEASE! :-)
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