We are soon coming up on the second anniversary of the day I took my husband to the emergency room with severe abdominal pain. This led to lots of poking and tests which ended with the removal of his gallbladder. We thought that was the end of that scary experience not knowing what kind of pain he would be left with on a daily basis.
After rerunning the tests a couple months later and still not finding anything wrong, we were told that perhaps it was just fluid build up that would take a bit of time to go away. Now two years later, he is still suffering. We've been told that it's probably nerve damage by a couple different doctor's. It seems like everybody is just taking a stab at their best guesstimate. Not having insurance doesn't help. It's affecting his life, our life. Everything we do has to be scheduled around how he is feeling and the pain medication he is taking.
This has had such a volcanic impact upon where we are at right now. It erupted and now continues to flow downward taking with it all that is connected. His ability to work. Our vehicle. Our home. Things that we once thought we could count on are no more. One of the things that just breaks my heart is watching him come in the door from being at a meeting, a customer site or even just church and seeing him in so much pain he could hardly make it home. Then, we all make a mad dash for the couch to clear it off so we can get him to lay down. Laying down seems to take the pressure off and helps to relieve it some.
Sometimes I get a frantic call from the kids telling me to get home because they are scared that Dad is going to die. If he sits in one position too long, stand's too long or if he is in the car, it seems to set it off tremendously. Intense pain makes him drop things like his favorite Mackinac coffee cup which shattered, makes him scared that he is going to drop his little ones, makes him cry when his two year old tells him it's going to be alright, Daddy. Little things are huge. One time he was on the way home from a customer site in Marine City and the tire on the car went flat. He was under the car trying to get the spare out and hurting so bad that he couldn't finish it. Who do you call? When you are a sobbing mess and faced with the realization you can't do the things you use to do, who do you call for help?
It's hard to come to terms with the fact that what was once is no more. Where do you go from here? How do you adapt so that you can continue moving forward? Continue living? It's difficult not to be angry. Not at the person but the circumstances. It seems like everything we've tried is just not working the way we need them too. The losses, the frustration, the inability to take care of ourselves is overwhelming. How do you go on from here?
As a wife, this is an extremely scary road to travel. My mind goes in all different directions with the what if's which pretty much try to overwhelm me and render me incapacitated. I've had to force myself to focus on the fact that God is bigger than all of this and that He promises to give us what we need to walk the road He has allowed. He knows the beginning from the end and the end from the beginning. I need to trust Him, that he has it all under control. I don't understand any of it but I know that I trust my Lord and I know that He promises restoration. I don't know how that restoration is going to come about but I know that it's a promise and God always follows through on his promises. It may not be what I want but it will be for His glory.
The one thing that I have watched through all of this is the determination to never give up, the refusal to give up hope, to continue moving forward, giving all that he can inspite of how he is feeling to us and to those he serves through our business and whoever he comes into contact with, emerge with amazing resound. His faith in the Lord God has been such an amazing blessing. I am so thankful that he has refused to be beat down by all that we are going through but instead has a firm resolve to share a hope and a smile with everyone. His strongest heart's desire is to pray with and for people and I've seen him touch, encourage and share with so many that it overwhelms me with tears of thankfulness.
The worst thing we could do right now is to sit down, have a pity party and give up. That would only shut down God's willingness to work through this, taking our suffering and making it worth something. Paul talks about counting it all joy when trials come and I have to say that even in the midst of my tears, in the midst of my anguish, I am so thankful that God has given us both the opportunity to grow in our faith, to be able to share our testimony with so many and to encourage those around us to keep looking to the Lord.
There are so many things that God has done through this situation and so much that we have learned about God and His love that I wouldn't trade it for anything. In fact, I might even be willing to go through it all again if it meant that one life would be saved and headed for God's Kingdom. Let's not forget to mention my own heart being awoken from a slumbering sleep.
I encourage you who are feeling discouraged, you who feel God has left you, you who feel as if your heart has been shattered into a million pieces, you who are struggling or are scared, to seek God out. His arms are always there, open and waiting for you to come to Him. Study, study, and study the scriptures in His Word. There is comfort, there are answers and there is everything we need to meet each day with courage. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I know God is already moving on my behalf arranging for there to be what I need to walk through it....if only I will willingly receive it.
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