Decisions

Before:






After:





We got a call from the social worker this week. It was a rather strange conversation. There was suppose to have been a court hearing, the six month re-evaluation. According to the social worker, the judge was furious because the visitation rights for the father have not been exercised so he insisted that they begin immediately and the hearing was then rescheduled. Apparently, there was a mix-up in the paperwork regarding him and this is the result of that.

The social worker said that potentially we could end up driving to two different visitations per week. She is going to try to schedule them in one place with them back to back but she wasn't sure that was going to work since one parent lives in one city and the other lives in a different one both with different schedules. I feel like a little puppet, running to and fro depending on which string is pulled. I absolutely cringe at the thought of going through this week after week. It takes a good three to four days for them to settle down after the visit and then you have about two good days with them till it starts all over again. Barbara has just now come out of her funk from the last visit with her Mom which was almost a month ago.

The social worker told me that it's only going to get worse when we get them both into counseling and while they have visitation with both parents, it's going to be a nightmare. So she asked me if we were both willing to continue on with our long-term plan. I told her I didn't know. I feel like a whipped dog. We've gone through so much. Much more than I ever had imagined and to even contemplate what it's going to be like over the next few months is incomprehensible. But at the same time, I look into their little eyes and I know that God has a plan and a purpose for them.

Since I told the social worker I wasn't sure about the long-term, her conversation immediately did a 180. She became rather hopeful that the case could be moved back up to her county and she gave me the list of positives that would come out of it, if we were to give them up and it is a very strong possibility that they are going back to their parents after all this. Was she trying to convince me that they needed to be removed? Perhaps. I do not know what was going on there behind that conversation. She's been piece mealing me information bit by bit over the past four months and I feel like there are gaping holes in what information I do have. We feel like we are getting ramrodded at this point.

Even so, we have a decision that needs to be made fairly quickly. Do we keep them or do we let them go.

The cons are this: I've been bit, spit on, slapped, screamed at, glared at, ignored and had every one of my parent/human being buttons pushed beyond what they ever have before. The fits, the anger, the emotional episodes like self-mutilation, hurting themselves for attention, being able to turn on and shut off emotions on a whim and so much more are tough to deal with. The responses of my own children...Brad feeling like he can't live in his own house or eat at his own table, Kara...sucking her thumb and becoming a screaming toddler when Barbara comes near one of us (some of that is jealousy but some of it comes from being picked on too). Kara is too young to try to explain what is going on and why and try to reason it in her head. The others are trying very hard to understand and be forgiving. And...then to imagine them getting worse and how that is going to affect our own children is also something to consider. The running to all their appointments will keep me busy every day of the week on top of my children's appointments. I've had several professionals tell me that this is a long tough road ahead and it may or may not help. The RAD is pretty nasty stuff and its very unstable. We've not had very much support from our social worker or the other professionals we've been referred to.

The pros are this: We are doing well handling seven kids. The added people which were my original concerns ended up being a non issue. We've flowed into a routine for meals and table rotation, baths, playtime, school, etc without too much trouble. We've seen some improvement in Sharlene's behavior. She's really trying to learn. She can even look us in the eye now instead of trying to detract our attention to something else. Her speech has gotten better and she's settled down so much. I even got the girls to stop the synchronized peeing (don't laugh....it was insane!). With some added help, I know Sharlene will do well even with her FAS. Barbara will too but it's going to be many years of counseling and individualized attention to work with her emotional issues. We've had the opportunity to share Jesus with them. You should hear Sharlene pray....she kind of sounds like the Swedish chef from the Muppets. She prays for her koolaid and she tells God she's going to behave. I'm attached. Even though, they aren't necessarily....I am and Bob is.

It is so hard letting go. It is a heart wrenching, agonizing, hole-inducing decision. I've been praying so hard and still am unsure. I don't want to be another person giving up on them especially Sharlene since she's the older one and more aware of what's going on. In some ways I feel like I have failed. I've yelled...alot and let them control my emotions, I've been in complete darkness dealing with Barbara simply because I do not know how to deal with her problems. They are foreign to me. I've been searching for some information from a Christian perspective and haven't found much. I know what the world says about all this. We don't want the easy way out and we don't want to be out of the will of God. Is this one of those times when God says whatever road we take is ok or does He have a specific one in mind? ....and then I'm taken back to my kids. They are my first priority. We asked them how they felt. They all agreed that they wanted the girls to be happy here but that it would be great relief if they lived somewhere else. Like I said....it's been tough on all of us...not just the parents.