The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Since our last visitation coupled with all the family doings surrounding the holidays and now the funeral, we've had a very tough few weeks with the kids. I hate that I always sound like I'm whining but a friend told me...hey, it's your journal...whine if you want to. So I guess I got permission. Seriously though, I'm struggling with this foster parenting adventure in such a big way.

The last visitation resulted in some very good things for Sharlene but set us back drastically with Barbara. I don't know if it had to do with the fact that her mother was here for fours hours at one time or if it was a grim reminder of how things are here with rules and how they are with her mother. I wish I could understand what is going on in that little head of hers.

The Good:

Sharlene learned how to jump in a puddle this month. Her speech has improved and she's learning about pleases and thank you's. She's even learning about sharing. A symptom of the RAD is extreme opposites. One can be so clingy to everyone she comes into contact with and the other is to have one that is completely detached. We have one of both. However, we've noticed lately that instead of hanging on people right away, Sharlene has clung to my leg. Now don't get me wrong, after a little bit, she becomes very clingy again especially with a little attention paid to her. But I consider that first initial hesitation an improvement. When Sharlene first came to us, she couldn't look us in the eye, especially if she was in trouble. Now, she looks at us when we talk to her. Sharlene was like a wild animal when she came to us, running from one thing to another and couldn't even sit still to watch a TV show. Now, she can sit and play without jumping up every two seconds to run to something else. She sits and watches TV and even can sit through her meal now. She can even color a picture and follow through to finish it.

The Bad:

Barbara has gone back into her zombie mode. She will stand in one spot for an hour at a time only staring out into the world beyond her. When I tell her to get a toy to play with, she will just stare into the toy cubes forever until I tell her to pick one up and sit down. If one of the kids tells on her for shoving Sharlene or Kara or whatever the case may be, she retaliates by glaring at them or smacking their hand away from her if they try to play with her, she even bites them. Everytime Brad comes into the room, walks by her, sits at the table to have his dinner with them, she cries and carries on to the point, Brad thinks he can't be in the same room with her. I don't believe this is from a past trauma because she will do it to me or Grace after we've offended her. I would never have believed that a almost three year old could hold a grudge for days until now. She was doing this stuff when she first came here but ever since mother's visit, she's kicked it up a few notches.

Barbara doesn't know how to be her own person. All she does is imitate Sharlene but at the same time, they are like opposite magnets. It will just about kill them if they should have to play together. On the otherhand, if one of my children enters the scene and all three of them are together, then they can play. It's a weird scenario.

The Ugly:

Trying to find the balance between the mother bear in me to protect my biological children from the hurtful things happening to them from the two little cousins who have had to deal with so much in their short little lives. It's an ugly situation to which there is no immediate cure. I hate the fact that I went to the community mental health to get some help and was met with hopelessness. I don't believe for one minute there is no hope but I do wonder if there is enough of my mental capacity to take this on. I'm torn in two. For some, it's a simple answer. I've been told over and over again that I just need to love them through this and in time, it will be ok. But what do I do to not lose my mind, turn into a screaming banshee as my oldest son puts it and to help this situation to not cause trauma to my own children. I hate watching Kara suck her thumb all day long because she is having a hard time with all the upheaval this causes. To me, it's not a simple answer. It's hard, complicated and full of emotion. It's living life in the mucky-muck. It's crying out to God for help because I am so very weak and He is my light in this darkness.