Shhh...The Night Roamer Is Sleeping

Our four year old is our 'night roamer'. On many nights, he gets up at 2 or 4 or 3:30. We are not certain why he does this, but this is how he has been since he was born. It's not quite so disconcerting now as he is a little older and knows what to do when he gets up. Notice I said, 'not quite so' meaning he still does things that scare me like...this but not as much.

Usually, he will get up and turn the television on and curl up on the couch. Of course, he has to tell one of his parents which may or may not sink in depending on what degree of dead to the world we are in. So whoever is the last one to go to bed, it is their responsibility to make sure the TV is set to the appropriate channel. We also have parental controls in hopes to avoid any nasty stuff that could potentially hurt his young mind. He also knows when it's a bad show and will come get us. Of course, his terminology of bad is a show he is just not interested in. Depending on his mood, The Wonder Pets could potentially be a 'bad' show. (Warning: once the 'Wonder Pets' song gets into your head, it's hard to shake. You'll find yourself humming it for a long time to come.)

Well, today he got up at five. We were ecstatic or should I say my husband was ecstatic because he's the one that usually gets to take care of him. By nine this morning, I kept telling Aaron how tired he was looking but he would never admit it. His opinion was that the sun was burning his eyes.

I was talking on the phone in the office after lunch and he came in and sat in the swivel chair next to me. He was explaining to me while I was talking (apparently forgetting the rule of not bothering mommy when she's on the phone unless there is blood involved) all about his need for paint. Next thing I heard was the soft sound of snoring. He had fallen asleep. See, Mom's really do have a sixth sense about these things!

Springtime

I got a glimpse of Spring yesterday. The sun was out warming everything it touched, the breeze was a balmy 50 degrees and my backyard was full of m-u-d.

For whatever reason, a love of that mucky, squishy, let's see what it does if I put it all over me m-u-d was placed in the hearts of all my children. Every Spring, I think perhaps, perhaps I'll eek by and they won't notice that lovely stuff calling their names. Once again, my hopes and dreams were dashed.

Ryan begged to go outside. Please, please, Mom. I just love it out there. As I took a gander out into the yard, I cringed. Can you wait till perhaps the end of May when it dries up, I asked him. He looked so incredibly sad. He slumped over and put his head down on the table. He just wanted to be able to ride his bike. So I caved. What parent would deny their child the opportunity to get some fresh air?

A little while later, Aaron came to me wanting me to help him put his shoes on because he wanted to go outside with Ryan. Total amnesia must have hit me at that point because all I could think of was both the rambunctious boys being outside leaving a semblance of quiet in the house.

As I was sitting on the couch relaxing, I got a glimpse of a mud-caked child, through the open door. A groan of pure misery escaped my very being. I just don't want to look....I just can't look....I refuse to look. So I sent Brad out there in a scurry to get those boys out of the mud. As I removed my hand that was covering my eyes, what appeared before was something that resembled a couple of snowmen only instead of snow, they used mud.

The words, get-to-the-bathroom, rang out through the house. What was I thinking, I scolded myself. As I gathered my composure and tromped off after them, I realized they had left a wake of mud all over the floor, along side my furniture as they dragged their hands on it while heading where "I" told them to go, caked the bathroom knob and covered the bathroom floor.

I promptly put them in the shower and scrubbed them down. After we were finished, I looked as wet as they were because boy, is it fun to watch the shower spray and boy, is it even funner (yes, I used that word) to see what happens when the shower spray hits Mama.

After changing into some dry clothes, cleaning up the mess on the floor, on my 'cream' colored furniture, wiping down the knobs on the doors and sink, and listening to how way cool that was, I was so thankful it was bedtime for them. I was in need of a serious chocolate fix and I was in no mood to share.

Off to bed they went, laughing all the way. I ran into the kitchen to pop a caramel treasure in my mouth. As I turned to head upstairs to tuck them in, I noticed the mud caked shoes that were thrown in the laundry room leaving yet another mess and I also noticed the beautifully decorated garage door that exhibited a mud painting that Picaso would be proud of. This is going to take some more chocolate or it's not going to be pretty.

Past mud fun

A Date With My Son

We like to do 'dates' with our children. It gets them away from everything at home that could distract them from paying attention to us. It also gives them the opportunity to get out what's on their mind with our complete attention on them. It has filled many a love tank in our household.

Yesterday I was noticing that Ryan seemed quite a bit out of sorts. I don't know if it was the coming down from the sugarfest he's had this week or if it was just one of those days. This is usually a good indicator to me of all my kids when a 'date' is needed.

However, I was tired and he was tired and I thought maybe we'll do it tomorrow. Well, after I fed everyone dinner and he just wasn't interested, I thought maybe I just needed to put my tiredness aside. This was important. I don't ever want to miss the silent cry of my child for my attention. This is especially important in bigger families.

Ryan is the exact middle child and I think sometimes in all the chaos life brings us on a day to day basis, he feels like nobody hears him. What he doesn't realize is that even though his mama is being pulled in a million different directions, I have a sense of when things are out of alignment. It's what we mama's know.

So off we went in the car. A trip to McDonalds was what he wanted. As we were driving along, the gates were opened and out came what was on this tiger's mind. He's tired of living in our current house. He needs a change, he says. I asked him what kind of change that would be and he responded with the desire to move to a hotel. He thought that would be really fun because it's just not really fun at our old house. I asked him why he chose a hotel. He said it was because they have those snack machines. Well, I guess I now know what our home is missing. Hopefully, a vending machine is not on his birthday list.

He had a great time getting his hamburger and chocolate milk and I had a great time driving through the Starbucks drive thru for me. On the way home, he said, Mom, I would like to fly a rocketship to the sun. If I don't make it back, tell Dad I love him. Then he said, maybe he should just tell Dad that he loved him before he left. Oh the things that go through his mind.

He seems back to his happy, hyper self today and I know it's because he is feeling the love. I am so glad that I took the time to spend with him, to yet again get a glimpse of what those wheels are thinking about inside his cute little head. Who knows what he'll come up with next.

A Special Lunch Date

I had a really neat experience today.

Last fall, my mom invited me to a women's Bible study at her church that meets once a month. Since my own church has suspended it's programs temporarily, I decided to go.

At this meeting, I was introduced to a lady who has the amazing ability to be able to touch my arm, look me in the eye and express such compassion and love. I've never met someone like that before and it really took me off guard. I felt like such a dork crying right in front of this total stranger. I went home that night asking myself how could someone with a simple touch and the love of Christ send me into a puddle as fast as you could blink. My answer to that questions is that God's given her a special gift.

Every time I've seen her since, she whisks me up in a hug and of course, the tears fall. A couple months ago, I was really struggling with feeling guilty because I couldn't seem to get my yelling under control when the girls were here. I would pray every morning before I even got out of bed for God to help me, help me control my tongue and not let those girls get me that upset but then I would go about my day and find myself yelling once again. It was very defeating at times. I didn't want their experience here to be me yelling at them because their world was already so out of control.

I went to the Bible study and this lady was there, only this time she decided to sit by me during the meeting. After the meeting was over, she reached over and touched my arm. She said that the Lord knew what I was going through and even if I yelled or was frustrated, God would bless me for trying, that we were doing a good thing. Of course, my tears fell instantly and if I would have had dentures, my teeth would surely have fallen out at that moment. How did she know what I was struggling with? That my friends, was a 'God moment'. Another confirmation that God does care and know what you are struggling with.

This precious lady called me on the phone a few days ago and invited me to lunch. I thought what a great opportunity to get to know her a little better if only I can get through it without crying! Well, we had a wonderful lunch which lasted for many hours and I could have kept on talking with her. I felt like I stepped out of time and into a wonderful, warm and embracing place. If you've ever met someone who is so full of God's love, you will come away from it feeling like you've seen a glimpse of what Christ is like. Now I'm not saying she was God or anything but His light flowed through her in such a way, it touched my heart. And of course, I cried which was alright this time. With tears, compassion is shown. I so want to be like that...to be filled with so much of God's grace, mercy and His compassion. What a wonderful gift to have.

As The World Spins...

If there is not one thing going on around here in my life, it's something else. It seems like we live from drama to drama. I'm really not making this stuff up. It's really happening. Believe me, I double checked.

Our new episode in this series, As The World Spins, my mother has been laid up with a bad bout of what could perhaps be gout in her foot which means that I've been very, very busy. After a few days of excruciating pain, a doctor's appointment was made and I was her chauffeur. We borrowed a wheel chair to get her down from her apartment and to the car. Then from the curb at the medical center, the dear valet guys brought us a wheel chair to use to get her up to the doctor's office.

In the process of getting her out of the car, the lock button was hit and the door was shut. It occurred to me at that point that the car was running with my keys locked inside. What does one do at that point when there are a line of cars waiting their turn to use the valet service? Well, you call Onstar. I was instantly thrown into an Onstar commercial. I called my husband, who then called those wonderful people at Onstar who almost instantly had my car unlocked and the line of cars behind me in motion once again. As the valet person was walking away from me, I heard him jingling my keys while he was saying, "Thank God for Onstar." I have to agree with him.

Today, she had a follow up appointment which meant we did it all again only this time, I made sure I left my door open....just in case. The doctor gave her some really cool medicine that does fun stuff to your innards. Hopefully, the side effects don't outweigh the good it's suppose to be doing. Then I thought, uh oh, hopefully her bum foot doesn't slow her down too much to get to the bathroom.....I'm the one doing her laundry. (Sorry, Mom...you know I love ya!) I have my limitations. Ask my husband how well I handle ick. Let's just say it doesn't bring out the best in me.

So now that I've blurted out my poor mother's woe's to the world and beyond, I have hopes that she will find the laughter in all of this because life truly has it's funny moments even in the midst of pain.

Randomness

I have writer's block. I'd love to write a hysterically funny post right about now but I got nothing. Perhaps it's the dreary weather or perhaps its my dreary state of mind. So here I sit before my screen hoping that something is going to just inspire me. So I guess I could do this: I'll share a couple of random things the kids have done or said....

A couple weeks ago, I purchased some popcorn chicken from Kentucky Fried Chicken. Ryan decided he was full so I told him we could save the rest for the next day. A baggie would do the trick to save those yummy little morsels for later. Well, just the other day I was rummaging through my cupboard looking for something and I came across this baggie with something kind of furry and green in it. I thought to myself, what in the world? Then it dawned on me. Those are Ryan's popcorn chicken he's was trying to save. Ooops....I guess I forgot to make it known that they were to go in the fridge and not the cupboard.

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Our little 22 month old has discovered the world of nakedness. She just loves, loves, loves to take her clothes off and now she's added the removal of the diaper too. She thinks that if she's in need of a diaper change, she can just take off her clothes and her diaper and run around the house stark naked occasionally leaving a little puddle. Who needs a puppy? She also thinks that she should have a clean set of clothes to put on after each diaper change. Oh, she's such a little stinker. The other day when she was done with her nap, off came the clothes and the diaper. When I sent Grace up to get her, I heard squealing. Grace came running down the stairs yelling I can't do it! I asked her what in the world was going on. What I found was a naked baby who had tinkled all over her bed. That's my little pee pot....cute as can be.

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Ryan's been quite caught up in marrying his mother lately. He says when he gets older and taller, he's going to marry me. I told him that I was married to daddy so that kind of wouldn't work. He thought about that for a little bit and then he says to me, well, when you are through with dad, I'll marry you then.

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I was sitting on the couch having a good ol' conversation with my four year old. We were chatting about this and that...whatever came into his cute little head. He was sitting on my lap facing me and loving every moment he had my undivided attention. All of the sudden he decides to look down the inside of my shirt. He looks up with a googly look on his face and he says, "those are beautiful, Mom". I about fell of the couch in shock.

Life Rolls On...

It's now been a week since the girls left us. We've kicked off this week with colds and ear infections galore. Poor Kara, she is just so miserable. It is awful when you just can't seem to console a child because she just doesn't feel good. She doesn't want anyone to touch her and she screams if one of her brother's gets a twinkle in his eye and is going to try it. Then they laugh and she screams more. Sound like fun? Not so much.

I guess this means we are not going to get to church again tomorrow. We didn't go last week because all this fun had started up in full force. Now it's just continuing on a roll as it includes it's next victim....one by one.

I started thinking about my church going experience as a child. I don't remember missing much church. I think my parents had the "if the doors were open, we were there' motto. I remember one time I had such a horrible headache and I begged and begged to stay home because it was literally making me not feel well. But my mother wouldn't hear of it, we were going. So during the service, I ended up making a run for the bathroom and guess what? Yep....I threw up. Then I had to wait for the service to end before we left. I thought that was just awful of them. Can you believe a parent would do such a thing?

Now I've found myself in this parent role and guess what? Yep....I find myself telling my kids, oh, you'll be fine. Famous last words! Usually I regret saying that. Trust me, it's easier just to stay home and have all the clean up accessories at your finger tips instead of having to pull off the exit ramp frantically searching for some place that has Resolve and paper towels before the domino effect takes place on the rest of the family from the horrendous smell, praying that the police officer you just passed will understand why you are swerving in and out of traffic at the speed of light.

Since I won't hear much of the service because of the screaming, runny eye'd, snot fountain, drool-hanging, I just want to be left alone kids, I am opting out of all the fun I'd have roaming the halls at church and infecting all the other unsuspecting people there.

I want to leave you with this pretty cool video a friend sent to me.

My Heart Cries....

This is a difficult post to write.

Our time as kinship foster parents has come to an end. The social worker came and got the girls on Friday to take them to their new home. I am pleased that the home they have gone to is a specialized foster care home that has experience with problem children. I think that they will do well there. But I'm sad that it ended up the way it did.

We have such a mix of emotions. First, it was so sad to watch the girls get into the social workers car and leave. I walked around the house and saw their sippy cups sitting there on the counter and I wanted to cry. I found the missing Tinkerbell glove that was Barbara's. What do I do with it? I found myself whispering outside the bedroom door last night and realized that nobody was in there so there was no need to whisper. It just makes me sad.

Then there is relief. There has been an absolute quiet calm in our house since they left. Kara has calmed down as has everyone else. It is difficult to live in a screaming, chaotic world for almost five months and it not affect you. We wake up in knots and we got to bed in knots. We had a friend call on the phone and commented on how quiet it was in the background. Yes, it has definitely made a remarked difference. I heard a content sigh come from my husband as he laid his head down on his pillow in his own bed. He's been sleeping on the couch so that he could hear the girls when they woke up screaming. There's no place like home or your pillow.

There is disappointment. I am so disappointed that things didn't work out. I'm disappointed in myself and how I handled some of the many situations, I'm disappointed that my kids couldn't rise to the occasion and be all they could be. Then it occurs to me they are kids not superhero's. I'm disappointed that we had such a hard time getting help. I'm disappointed.

Then there is anger. We had a TDM with the new foster Mom, the paternal father and his wife, the Mom, the social worker and the moderator. They talked about the condition they originally found the girls in when they were removed from their home, the behavior issues of the girls, the progress they've made and the judge's move to explore the possibility of removing the Mother's rights to the girls this month. They asked the mother if she understood what that all meant and she said yes. They asked her if she had any comments and she said no. She did not have anything to say about anything that was discussed today. She didn't even express any emotion and neither did the father. I feel angry that first of all, that the girls are even in this situation to begin with. It's not their fault. I feel angry that the parents just aren't seeming to take this seriously. We are talking about the future of their little lives and nobody has anything to say. Arrggh! It just makes me angry.

And then there is frustration. In the meeting today, we found out that the social worker has in place speech therapy, play therapy, and will have the other appointments set up by the 14th for the girls. Why in one weekend can she have all this stuff arranged, when we've been fighting and fighting to get things in place here for months. We really didn't have the support we needed to help the girls like they needed. Again, arrggh!

After you go through something like that, do you ever ask yourself what that was all about? What was God's plan in all this? We both feel like we didn't do enough. That perhaps we could have handled this or that better. We are disappointed that it didn't turn out differently. And...oh, all the 'why's' I ask myself. I just wish I had some clarity on this situation. I wish He could just send me an email and tell me so I could know. It would help but instead, all I have is TRUST. What else can I do? I know that God is sovereign. I know that He knows exactly what is going on. I know that He loves those little girls like nobody's business. So I have to TRUST that He will continue to provide for their every need even when I'm no longer in the picture.

Lord, we pray that you will continue to heal their hearts and their minds.

Happy Birthday Barbara

Today was Barbara's third birthday.

To make the day special, Grace and I took her out for some fine dining at Burger King where she received a golden crown and a wonderful cheeseburger meal.


We then took her to Target to pick out a toy. Boy was that a difficult choice. She settled on a Dora the Explorer playset that included a horsey.

Later, we had Hostess cupcakes and ice cream to end the birthday day.

Happy Birthday, Barbara!

What's Cookin' At Mama's Cafe?

I love to cook. I always have. I can remember way, way back when...when I use to pretend I had a cooking show. I was suppose to be washing dishes but what more fun it was to pretend I was Julia Child. Me there with the red cabinets and the contact paper covered counter top talking to my audience, my fans and all who had tuned into my show. How famous I was.

I can remember looking through all my Mom's cookbooks to pick out recipes I could make. It was especially fun when my Grandma and Grandpa were coming over. My Grandma was my inspiration. She was a fabulous cook. I still haven't found anyone that can make a banana cream pie like she could.

I also remember making cookies alot. My Dad use to say, "You need more practice." I thought for years he didn't like them but when I was engaged to be married, he took my husband-to-be aside and explained to him his evil plan. It was then that the cat was let out of the bag and I found out that my Dad just wanted me to bake them more often. What a stinker!

I've come a long way since way back then. I don't have a show or an audience and perhaps I only have a couple fans who request my homemade applesauce now and then but I still really enjoy putzing around the kitchen. Challenging recipes come easy to me from all the practice I've had and I am not intimidated or held to the law of measuring. I continue to be very passionate about cooking. My motto is: Never trust a skinny cook :-)

I also love to make meals for friends and those who need one due to something going on in their lives. I believe that God gave me this gift and I most passionately want to use it to bless others.


I had a dear friend recently give me a jing-a-ling on the telephone wanting to give me some meat out of her freezer. What a blessing that was! In the gift was some cube steak. I haven't cooked cube steak in a long time. What do you do with it? It's a cheaper/tougher cut of meat and my children balk at anything they have to chew too much. So this is what I came up with.


I pounded the life out of it until it was tender. Then, cut it up into strips. Sauted it in a pan with some seasonings and onion. And tada, we have cheese steak sandwiches. It was a hit with some of the kids. Others were not so thrilled. The majority was won over. That is a very good thing....since we have more in the freezer.

An added bonus was that we had leftovers which made for absolutely wonderful steak nachos. My twelve year old son was ecstatic. He is very passionate about food himself and I aim to please.


As a side note: when one is pounding the life out of meat, wear an apron, a hat, a face covering and watch out for flying meat. It is also very therapeutic. It's amazing what a little banging can do for your frustrations. Kara didn't care for that too much as she kept running in the kitchen yelling at me to 'stoppee'. Oh well....what works for one, doesn't always for another.

Until later, friends, from Mama's Kitchen.

Beaten, Fried and Scrambled

What an incredibly difficult few days we've had here. I cannot even describe to you what we've been through. I'll just say this, I was at the end of my rope and feeling very angry. So since my husband was on the phone, I quickly wrote down these two little words....

I'm leaving.

And then I walked out the door.

I just needed some air. I haven't been able to do much of anything because dealing with these issues at someone else's house is too much for me to handle so we've stayed close to home. I'm sure that hasn't helped my state of mind nor is this dreary February weather.

After I got in the car and was driving down the road, I realized a few things. The first thought that came to mind as I banged my head on the steering wheel is this....I can't even leave properly.

I got no money.

I got no gas.

And....I got no place to go.

So I drove around the neighborhood. My phone begins to ring and of course, it's my beloved. He asks me if I'm ok. Of course, I said yes. Then he asks me where I am. So I told him my sob story about having no money, no gas and no place to go and that I was just driving around the block in our neighborhood. He laughed and I laughed. Then he told me to come home and get some cash out of his wallet and go get a Mountain Dew. He loves me.

However, we had been invited to a friends house for dinner which we needed to leave for in fifteen minutes so I told him I was just coming home. I did feel better so I guess my trip to two streets over and around the block did some good. It ended up that only three of us went to my friends house. Barbara and Sharlene were in no shape to go spend some time at someone's house so Bob stayed home with them and I went.

If you are a foster parent or have ever foster parented, I have a new appreciation for what you do on a daily basis. And for you my friend, Shelly, I apologize profusely if I ever said to you "you just have to love them through it" or anything that resembled that I even understood what you were going through. Yes, you need to love them but now I really know what that means for a foster parent.

Just What Do You All Think You Are Doing????

The phone has been an issue for me since I started having kids. Why is it that when a parent gets on the phone, the children have to be very, very loud, have every emergency under the sun that needs your immediate attention or does things that they clearly know is a no, no!

It's even more imperative that the children be somewhat quiet now since we are also trying to run a business out of our home. Now, I ask you and I ask my children, is there any way that loud growly noises and loud screaming sounds emit professionalism in any way? And really, do they have to do it just at that moment when a customer calls or my beloved is on the phone? How do they get such perfect timing to line up so perfectly?

The rule is:

If the phone is ringing or there is a parent on it, children must remain quiet at all times unless someone is unconscious, bleeding or a bone is broken. Other than that, lips must be kept together so that no noise comes out or at least, if noise should escape it must not interrupt parents.

How funny is that? Do you really think that happens in my home? Not very often but we are working on it. So today, husband was on the phone, seven children decided at that moment to yell, scream, laugh loudly, growl and use high-pitched sing-songy voices so much so that parent number one could not hear customer on phone. So parent number two stepped in and took care of the situation:

Yep! That's them....all seven of them lined up with their noses on the door. Notice the youngest one...she's a bit rebellious. Who said she could peek when her nose is suppose to be elsewhere??!!

Our Final Decision

A few weeks ago, I posted on having to make a decision on whether or not to continue on with our caring for Barbara and Sharlene. I cannot begin to express to you how much we've agonized over this decision and how many tears I've shed. We've come to the conclusion to let them go.

Our youngest has been hysterical much of the time due to many injuries she's received from the two girls. I don't believe that they have been intended as malicious but are a result of a lack of previous structure, consistency and discipline in their lives leaving them with a lack of understanding of consequences. A 20 month old can't understand why the girls act the way they do. All she knows is that she's been hurt and who did it to her. If it keeps happening over and over again, it leaves trauma in it's wake. Her response is to scream and scream. If I even attempt to hold one of the girls in my lap, Kara responds like I've betrayed her and refuses to have anything to do with me....at least, until she needs something.

We've finally been able to take the girls to counseling. I actually had an appointment for myself only to talk to the counselor. I've not been real impressed. So far she hasn't given me much to work with as far as handling the self-mutilation and the other issues that are present. She did confirm my feelings as far as them needing one on one care which I'm not really able to do since I have five of my own kids. She was recommending a psyche evaluation on them.

We sent in our notice a couple weeks ago to the social worker and have heard nothing from her since. We did finally find out today that she was called out of state on a family emergency. Her supervisor finally had someone call us to let us know that much. In the meantime, I found out that the social worker had canceled the girls' medicaid which is bad since I've been taking them to all these appointments. We called the person that we've been dealing with in our county and he's getting it reinstated effective tomorrow. This cross-county kinship foster care is very frustrating. The different counties just don't communicate with each other.

After talking with him and explaining what's been going on, he was amazed at what we've had to go through. He told us that the social worker was suppose to be setting up all this stuff for us and getting in touch with us. Instead we've been the one's jumping through hoops trying to get everything in order and trying to chase the social worker down to find out when visitation is and such. It's been so frustrating.

Our prayer is that the next home will be one that has the knowledge and capability to help with the special needs of the girls. They deserve to be cared for and loved on and given the chance to live happily. We also pray that it would be a Christian home where they will hear all about how very much Jesus loves them and will heal their hearts and minds.

Evaluations....

We had an appointment with the local school district for a speech/language evaluation for Sharlene. I was a little nervous going into it not for Sharlene but for myself. I haven't set foot inside a school since I hopped into my 1979 Ford Granada that needed a stick in the choke to keep it going up that hill to where the little brown building sat waiting for hundreds of hormone-filled teenagers to attend. I guess that isn't true. I did attend college but I don't put that in the same category. Why was I nervous? Because I homeschool...that's why.

I know, I know. I am legally allowed to homeschool and I shouldn't feel nervous. But I do. You hear all about people calling in the troops on some crazy homeschooling family that has apparently been abusing their children and nobody found out about it. I won't even go into those crazy public school families who have also been able to keep abuse under the table but that's for another post. I don't abuse my children. They are well cared for and loved to pieces. No, they are not in pieces but they know we are here for them. However, I do yell. Sometimes, more than I should....and that's when I know I need a venti.

As I sat there waiting for the lady that was to do the evaluation, I thought maybe I should come up with a creative answer if she started questioning me about where my own children attended school or some other question that needed to be answered. I decided to pray that God would give me wisdom if that should happen. What did happen instead was that we met a really nice lady that didn't over-intrude into our lives but focused on Sharlene's issues.

After her evaluation, she informed me that she needed to go over her notes and would get back to me on what would best meet Sharlene's needs but she did say that Sharlene was pretty severely in need of help and that the once a week speech therapy would not adequately supply that. What she did need was the five day a week class that the bus would come and pick up Sharlene for. She also recommended I take her to a neurologists because she also saw some things that were indicative of other problems.

I decided to ask her about Barbara. I've been concerned about her because she swallows her food whole. I've been observing how she eats and from what I can tell she uses her tongue instead of her teeth to mash up the food or she plain just gulps it down in it's whole format. She also has stuck her hand in the flame on my stove and didn't cry, dropped a wooden puzzle on her foot and again, didn't cry, and some other behavior issues that are much like robotic responses instead of something she might be really feeling. We've had a doctor, the therapist and now the speech pathologist tell me that I needed to get both girls in.

Have you ever had one of those moments when out of the blue, you break down and cry. I hate it when that happens. It comes too quickly to be stopped and there you are...open and vulnerable before a person you don't even know. It happened at this very appointment. Ugghh! As I sat there trying to explain briefly the situation, the lady was very encouraging and said some very nice things to me which made me feel better....even as far as to say I was a saint for taking on this. I wouldn't say that about me AT ALL. I'm just an ordinary person trying to do what God has called me to do for today. But I did appreciate her words.

So we made the neurologist appointment. The soonest we can get in is the end of this month. Sigh. I hate waiting. I want answers and I don't like to wait for them. All in God's timing, right?

Growing Up...

Each one of my children has a strong will. With five, I thought my chances of having at least one that would be somewhat easy-going, pliable or even flexible with the flow of life wouldn't be too far fetched. But as I sit here and think about it, they just get stronger and stronger right on down the line. Makes me think that one should seriously consider our next move on adding or not to add another little peanut to our household.

Our youngest has found the love of dressing or undressing herself, putting shoes on and taking them off. She's done this for quite some time but has always been willing to allow help when she gets in a pickle or should I say tangled in the shirt.

She loves to change her clothes fifty times a day and is not at all concerned whether they came from her drawer or from the dirty clothes basket. It doesn't even have to be hers. She loves to put on whatever she finds.

After breakfast the other day, I got her clothes out to put on her. I was met with a very cute pouty face. I can only assume it was because she was not at all happy that I had taken her shirt off and was wanting to help her put the clean one on. So I let her be while I sat and watched.

She finished taking off the rest of her pajama's and began putting on her clothes for the new day. It was all I could do to keep my hands from helping her when she was struggling and struggling to get her shirt on. You know, it's difficult to get your arms in the right holes....and it's even more challenging to get it on so the cute little bunny that is suppose to be on the front is indeed on the front.

Then she went to the pants. She put them on and took them off four times and yet, her cute little legs would only go together in one side of the pants. Visualize a little toddler with her little pink bunny shirt on backwards with her legs in one pant leg trying to walk over to me. She still wouldn't let me help her. Out comes her pointy finger along with the words, no, no, no. She decided that she was fine with the shirt but got frustrated with the whole pants thing. She wasn't going to give in and let me help though. She would just have to do without pants and off she scampered to play.....happy to be so independent.

Appointments

We had our first counseling appointment for Sharlene and Barbara today. After months of waiting, we finally were able to get them in.

The counselor was more hopeful than the last one who did the initial evaluation. However, it's just going to take a long, long time to build up trust between the girls and their counselor to even get to the place where they can be helped especially since they are so young.

We also had visitation today. The girls did alright coming home. No fits, no screaming, no kicking the seat. They even were calm during dinner and bedtime. Somebody was praying for us :-)

The Book Meme

I've been tagged once again and since I've been known to procrastinate until I forget, I thought I'd get this one posted before the thought leaves my brain never to be found again. And for those who have tagged me in the past and I did not comply....please forgive me!! I had ever intention to do so until some crisis took me away. Perhaps I am lost at sea??!

Anyway, here's the rules:

Book Meme Rules
1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.


The book that I found closest to me that was not underneath all my piles on my desk was this:

"Your Road Map For Success" by John C. Maxwell.

Page 123:

(It's a chapter on facing your fears)

The husband was sound asleep until his wife jabbed him in the ribs, saying, Burt, wake up. I hear a burglar downstairs. Burt, wake up!

Okay, okay, said Burt as he sat up on the edge of his bed and searched for his slippers for what seemed like the ten-thousandth time. I'm up. He grabbed his robe and stumbled groggily out into the hall and down the stairs.

When he reached the bottom step, he found himself staring into the barrel of a gun. Hold it right there, buddy, a voice said firmly from behind a ski mask. Show me where your valuables are.

Burt did. When the burglar had his bag full and was getting ready to leave, Burt said, Wait. Before you go, could you go up and meet my wife? She's been expecting you every night for more than thirty years.


I don't think I know any other bloggers that haven't been tagged already. So if you are one of my fans who don't blog, maybe you could share yours in my comments. I'd love to read them.

The Infirmary

I realized this week after days of sickness exhibiting itself in several of the children including half of the parent ratio, that I'm running an infirmary along with a home. All I can say is that it's going to be costly for each child not to mention the rate for a sick husband. I hope they realize this. You may be wondering just how much this facility is charging. That particular amount will be determined upon how much whining, irritableness and clean-up this infirmary nurse has to put up with or clean up.

I just can't imagine being a nurse for real and having to clean up all this foreign matter. It's bad enough when it's your own but somebody totally unrelated....ewe! I suppose it's a gift of mercy which I apparently am lacking in because I lose what little I have when there is either throw up or poop involved. You can ask my husband just how merciful I am when he's down and out. The words 'just snap out of it come to mind' or wah, wah, wah is sarcastically floating in the air along with 'get to work'. Oh wait...maybe you shouldn't ask him. I have an image to keep up!

Seriously, try imagining eight people trying to sit on my lap and me underneath the pile. Breathing my own oxygen is a thing of the past. It's a good thing it's available in excess. Maybe I should plant some trees in my living room just so there will be no question. When our house goes up for sale, we can say it's Eco-friendly. You'd think that maybe a couple plants might be better since space is limited but we do have a bunch of monkey's swinging from the ceiling fan because well....it's winter. I figure the trees might help in more ways than one.

Then I had another thought to help my oxygen intake. I'll hang a sign around my neck and yes, I need to hang it around my neck because wherever I am, they are.

Visiting Hours:

2-3 p.m.
You may ask questions, hug, tap, sit on my lap,
talk to, be needed, seek kissing for boo-boos,
ask for a drink, and just plain ol' breathe my oxygen
only during this time.

Happy Birthday, Sharlene

Today was Sharlene's birthday. She is now the big number four.

Grandpa gave her some money to spend so I took her to Target and she picked out a toy that she really wanted. We then got Burger King for lunch which she slowly ate and savored. You would have thought she was eating at Andiamo's. I double checked her cheeseburger just to make sure that it really wasn't a juciy ribeye and found that it was indeed still a cheeseburger. At least she appreciated it.

Later we had chocolate cake with pink frosting and sprinkles just as she wanted.



Happy Birthday, Sharlene!

Decisions

Before:






After:





We got a call from the social worker this week. It was a rather strange conversation. There was suppose to have been a court hearing, the six month re-evaluation. According to the social worker, the judge was furious because the visitation rights for the father have not been exercised so he insisted that they begin immediately and the hearing was then rescheduled. Apparently, there was a mix-up in the paperwork regarding him and this is the result of that.

The social worker said that potentially we could end up driving to two different visitations per week. She is going to try to schedule them in one place with them back to back but she wasn't sure that was going to work since one parent lives in one city and the other lives in a different one both with different schedules. I feel like a little puppet, running to and fro depending on which string is pulled. I absolutely cringe at the thought of going through this week after week. It takes a good three to four days for them to settle down after the visit and then you have about two good days with them till it starts all over again. Barbara has just now come out of her funk from the last visit with her Mom which was almost a month ago.

The social worker told me that it's only going to get worse when we get them both into counseling and while they have visitation with both parents, it's going to be a nightmare. So she asked me if we were both willing to continue on with our long-term plan. I told her I didn't know. I feel like a whipped dog. We've gone through so much. Much more than I ever had imagined and to even contemplate what it's going to be like over the next few months is incomprehensible. But at the same time, I look into their little eyes and I know that God has a plan and a purpose for them.

Since I told the social worker I wasn't sure about the long-term, her conversation immediately did a 180. She became rather hopeful that the case could be moved back up to her county and she gave me the list of positives that would come out of it, if we were to give them up and it is a very strong possibility that they are going back to their parents after all this. Was she trying to convince me that they needed to be removed? Perhaps. I do not know what was going on there behind that conversation. She's been piece mealing me information bit by bit over the past four months and I feel like there are gaping holes in what information I do have. We feel like we are getting ramrodded at this point.

Even so, we have a decision that needs to be made fairly quickly. Do we keep them or do we let them go.

The cons are this: I've been bit, spit on, slapped, screamed at, glared at, ignored and had every one of my parent/human being buttons pushed beyond what they ever have before. The fits, the anger, the emotional episodes like self-mutilation, hurting themselves for attention, being able to turn on and shut off emotions on a whim and so much more are tough to deal with. The responses of my own children...Brad feeling like he can't live in his own house or eat at his own table, Kara...sucking her thumb and becoming a screaming toddler when Barbara comes near one of us (some of that is jealousy but some of it comes from being picked on too). Kara is too young to try to explain what is going on and why and try to reason it in her head. The others are trying very hard to understand and be forgiving. And...then to imagine them getting worse and how that is going to affect our own children is also something to consider. The running to all their appointments will keep me busy every day of the week on top of my children's appointments. I've had several professionals tell me that this is a long tough road ahead and it may or may not help. The RAD is pretty nasty stuff and its very unstable. We've not had very much support from our social worker or the other professionals we've been referred to.

The pros are this: We are doing well handling seven kids. The added people which were my original concerns ended up being a non issue. We've flowed into a routine for meals and table rotation, baths, playtime, school, etc without too much trouble. We've seen some improvement in Sharlene's behavior. She's really trying to learn. She can even look us in the eye now instead of trying to detract our attention to something else. Her speech has gotten better and she's settled down so much. I even got the girls to stop the synchronized peeing (don't laugh....it was insane!). With some added help, I know Sharlene will do well even with her FAS. Barbara will too but it's going to be many years of counseling and individualized attention to work with her emotional issues. We've had the opportunity to share Jesus with them. You should hear Sharlene pray....she kind of sounds like the Swedish chef from the Muppets. She prays for her koolaid and she tells God she's going to behave. I'm attached. Even though, they aren't necessarily....I am and Bob is.

It is so hard letting go. It is a heart wrenching, agonizing, hole-inducing decision. I've been praying so hard and still am unsure. I don't want to be another person giving up on them especially Sharlene since she's the older one and more aware of what's going on. In some ways I feel like I have failed. I've yelled...alot and let them control my emotions, I've been in complete darkness dealing with Barbara simply because I do not know how to deal with her problems. They are foreign to me. I've been searching for some information from a Christian perspective and haven't found much. I know what the world says about all this. We don't want the easy way out and we don't want to be out of the will of God. Is this one of those times when God says whatever road we take is ok or does He have a specific one in mind? ....and then I'm taken back to my kids. They are my first priority. We asked them how they felt. They all agreed that they wanted the girls to be happy here but that it would be great relief if they lived somewhere else. Like I said....it's been tough on all of us...not just the parents.

The Night Roamer Strikes Again....

We have our very own superhero (villain?). He only strikes during the night when you are sound asleep. When all is dark and everyone is next to unconscious, that is when it happens. He grabs my face to see if I'm listening to him and often in the distance I can hear him playing with the matchbox cars or whatever toy strikes his fancy.....either that or it's all a bad dream. Children not sleeping through the night can be nightmarish.

Sometimes, he decides he 'needs' to watch his show which has been difficult in the past due to the Noggin channel singing it's goodbye song every night at 6:00 p.m. But we recently got a wonderful surprise for our little superhero....the Noggin channel is now on 24 hours a day, giving us the option to finally watch Diego or the Backyardigans in the dark of night.

On this particular night, the night roamer decided to explore what was on my dresser. He came across quite a find. One that he knows is simply off limits. As his curious little fingers came across this particular item, he threw caution to the wind, grabbed them and ran back to his own room to examine this special treasure without getting caught red-handed.

The morning sun peeked through my blinds letting me know it was time to rise and shine. Upon putting my feet on the floor and shuffling over to my dresser to get my glasses that I really need in order to see, I found them missing. I thought to myself in a sing-songy kind of way, oh Mr. night roamer, you have struck again and your opponent is going to send you to the moon. But then I thought, I'd better hold my irritation in because if he knows I'm upset, he'll never tell me where they are.

After sending out the search party and nothing was coming back that resembled my glasses, I asked him just where he might have put them. He kept showing me lego after lego to which he claimed he put my glasses right by and they were there just a minute ago. I think one calls this a wild goose chase.

Finally, after everyone had pretty much given up and I had pulled my awful, out-of-date glasses that I had from many years ago, I sat on his bedroom floor next to his car garage. When I sat down, I accidentally tipped it over. Out came my glasses. I was so very relieved! Relieved...that I didn't have to choke the boy (oh, I mean Mr. night roamer), relieved....that I didn't have to go out in public with those awful glasses from the past that scream that I look like a dork, relieved....that I didn't have to come up with the money to get a new pair.

Beware of Mr. Night Roamer....who knows what his curious little fingers will find next.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Since our last visitation coupled with all the family doings surrounding the holidays and now the funeral, we've had a very tough few weeks with the kids. I hate that I always sound like I'm whining but a friend told me...hey, it's your journal...whine if you want to. So I guess I got permission. Seriously though, I'm struggling with this foster parenting adventure in such a big way.

The last visitation resulted in some very good things for Sharlene but set us back drastically with Barbara. I don't know if it had to do with the fact that her mother was here for fours hours at one time or if it was a grim reminder of how things are here with rules and how they are with her mother. I wish I could understand what is going on in that little head of hers.

The Good:

Sharlene learned how to jump in a puddle this month. Her speech has improved and she's learning about pleases and thank you's. She's even learning about sharing. A symptom of the RAD is extreme opposites. One can be so clingy to everyone she comes into contact with and the other is to have one that is completely detached. We have one of both. However, we've noticed lately that instead of hanging on people right away, Sharlene has clung to my leg. Now don't get me wrong, after a little bit, she becomes very clingy again especially with a little attention paid to her. But I consider that first initial hesitation an improvement. When Sharlene first came to us, she couldn't look us in the eye, especially if she was in trouble. Now, she looks at us when we talk to her. Sharlene was like a wild animal when she came to us, running from one thing to another and couldn't even sit still to watch a TV show. Now, she can sit and play without jumping up every two seconds to run to something else. She sits and watches TV and even can sit through her meal now. She can even color a picture and follow through to finish it.

The Bad:

Barbara has gone back into her zombie mode. She will stand in one spot for an hour at a time only staring out into the world beyond her. When I tell her to get a toy to play with, she will just stare into the toy cubes forever until I tell her to pick one up and sit down. If one of the kids tells on her for shoving Sharlene or Kara or whatever the case may be, she retaliates by glaring at them or smacking their hand away from her if they try to play with her, she even bites them. Everytime Brad comes into the room, walks by her, sits at the table to have his dinner with them, she cries and carries on to the point, Brad thinks he can't be in the same room with her. I don't believe this is from a past trauma because she will do it to me or Grace after we've offended her. I would never have believed that a almost three year old could hold a grudge for days until now. She was doing this stuff when she first came here but ever since mother's visit, she's kicked it up a few notches.

Barbara doesn't know how to be her own person. All she does is imitate Sharlene but at the same time, they are like opposite magnets. It will just about kill them if they should have to play together. On the otherhand, if one of my children enters the scene and all three of them are together, then they can play. It's a weird scenario.

The Ugly:

Trying to find the balance between the mother bear in me to protect my biological children from the hurtful things happening to them from the two little cousins who have had to deal with so much in their short little lives. It's an ugly situation to which there is no immediate cure. I hate the fact that I went to the community mental health to get some help and was met with hopelessness. I don't believe for one minute there is no hope but I do wonder if there is enough of my mental capacity to take this on. I'm torn in two. For some, it's a simple answer. I've been told over and over again that I just need to love them through this and in time, it will be ok. But what do I do to not lose my mind, turn into a screaming banshee as my oldest son puts it and to help this situation to not cause trauma to my own children. I hate watching Kara suck her thumb all day long because she is having a hard time with all the upheaval this causes. To me, it's not a simple answer. It's hard, complicated and full of emotion. It's living life in the mucky-muck. It's crying out to God for help because I am so very weak and He is my light in this darkness.

Explaining...

Trying to explain death to children is so very difficult. I'm pretty sure Brad and Grace understand it as they are a bit older. We told Aaron who is four. I'm not sure about him. His response was oh, ok. I thought to myself, Hmmm...I wonder what's going on behind that statement. Later that day, I found out.

Ryan in particular was upset about Grandpa's death. He kept saying that he was so upset because he never got to say goodbye and now it was just too late. He did get to go to the hospital but I guess he wanted to be there when it actually happened and wave goodbye. At least, that's what I got from our conversation. Bob explained to him that he was sure Grandpa was very happy with Ryan's hello and he wouldn't have wanted to say goodbye. That seemed to settle him down.

Since Ryan wanted to say goodbye so badly, I tried to get the kids to write/draw a goodbye picture to Grandpa. Aaron is my perfectionist. If he can't do it right according to the rules of Aaron, it's just not going to happen and it upsets him immensely. The picture didn't go so well no matter how much he tried. Perhaps he thinks that the minute his crayon or marker hits the paper, it should look like something that Van Gogh or Monet created. I don't know...it's just a guess.

So I sat him down and had him explain what he was trying to write. I'm not sure how one would draw this on paper so I'm glad he wanted to explain instead. He said that when Grandpa died his heart went down, down, down and out moving his finger down from his heart to show me that it went out his feet. But then he got a big grin on his face and started jumping up and down. He said when his heart starts to 'beep' again then he'll come back to life. I gather from this we are just not getting it and since my father in law is being cremated, I'm sure he won't get where Grandpa is either. Some day....the dawning will come.

Then Ryan drew his picture. Him, with his big round head and bulging eyeballs with Grandpa looking strangely identical, holding hands. Ryan then put a Hallmark gold crown sticker on his own head. I asked him also to explain his picture. He said that they were in heaven. I had to hold my 'aaaccckk' in and remember to breathe since it is so not his time (right, God?!!) but allow him to calmly continue as I practiced my breathing. He said he was going to see his Grandpa to tell him goodbye. Then he was jumping up and down the rest of the day all excited like yelling, I can't wait...I can't wait. I'm thinking to myself, slow down there little fella. I'm glad you are excited about going to heaven but NOT before I do. I calmly told him to hang on to that excitement because Grandpa would love to see him but not for awhile yet. I can only assume what the crown on his head was for. Perhaps because Ryan means "little king" which by the way, fits him perfectly. The other assumption I have is that we were talking about God giving us jewels for our crowns to lay before the King, maybe it came from that conversation. Why Grandpa didn't get one...who knows. I just got a shrug from Ryan and off he went to play...probably nagging God about whether it was time yet or not.

I have many pictures to give Grandpa. They thought we were going to see him personally and give them to him but I explained that he wouldn't be there to receive them. You should have seen the slumped over shoulders that were going on in this house. I quickly told them before I had a mutiny on my hands, that maybe we could give them to Grandma Loretta and maybe that would make her not feel so sad. They liked that idea and I was wiping the sweat off my brow....whew!! This explain' stuff is hard work.

Grieving

It occurred to me as I was sitting in my car today while waiting for my mother to come out of her doctor's appointment, that it was raining and all around yucky kind of day (on the bright side...it was almost 60 degrees in January which I'll take without complaint). Have you ever noticed that it always seems to be raining after a loved one has passed on. Maybe it's just coincidence but that is what it really seems like to me. As the rain was pouring down, I thought how appropriate it was as it is a solemn, reflective time for our family.

Death really gets one thinking. I think about all the ones left behind and what impact this has on them. I think about how losing one close to you changes everything. How you spend the holidays, how you look at your caller ID and it still has his name there, things that irritated you like being called Shiela when your name clearly was not that but now you wish you could hear it again, the way that person laughed....it still rings in the air. I think about my own death. Would I leave a big hole as my own father's death has. What kind of legacy am I leaving? What kind of impact am I having on those around me? What am I leaving behind that will be worth something and I'm not talking about money.

It's been fourteen years since I lost my Dad and seventeen years since I lost my Grandma. Their deaths have left a gaping chasm in my life that nobody can fill. Their lives left such an imprint on my life which I carry with me. I am so thankful that they loved God with all of their hearts and that one day I'll see them again. It's never easy to lose another loved one. It brings back, like a rush of flooding waters threatening to consume everything in it's path, many of the emotions I've felt from those I've lost before. Death is so very much part of this life. I look forward to the day when God wipes our tears and death is no more. For now....I've got a lot of livin' and lovin' to get in. Here's my 'Wish' for you.....I couldn't have said or sung it any better.

Clinging....

UPDATE: He just passed away moments ago. Please keep our family in your prayers.

1/7/2008 UPDATE: They've taken my father in law off most everything including the heart and oxygen monitors except for a drug that is suppose to kick start his kidneys and lasix. They've moved him to a different room. He's somewhere between the Cardiac ICU and Hospice. If his kidney's decide to work, they will consider him for blood filtration but if they don't....it continues to not look good.

My Father in law was admitted to the hospital on Christmas Eve with a mild heart attack. The doctors decided that he needed surgery but an infection surfaced in his leg where he had fallen a couple weeks earlier. Before they could do the surgery, the infection needed to be gone. So antibiotics were prescribed.

Saturday we got a call from my sister in law telling us that he had another issue with his heart while trying to help the nurse get him back in bed. His oxygen levels were low and he wasn't feeling well. That evening, we got another call from his other sister telling us that he was throwing up blood. Then around midnight or so, we received a call from the doctor letting us know that he didn't think Bob's dad would make it through the night.

Most of the family went to the hospital to be with him. My sister in law and her family flew in from out of state. They've all been around him. He doesn't know what the fuss is all about. He says he's not going anywhere. Perhaps that is why he is still hanging on.

He's still here with us but his chances are slim to none. The doctor now thinks the surgery won't help him. His system is just too weak and his heart is too worn out. Bob's trying to spend as much time as he can with him but I worry about him. He hasn't slept much and I haven't been able to be with him since these beautiful children need a parent at home. My heart is there. Bob is trying to be there for everyone....trying to keep hope alive.

This is bringing up many memories from my own father's death. He had a rare heart disease and fought it for 18 months. It's horrible to watch someone close to you fade away. Even though, I know he was a believer.....it's still hard to let go. He's been gone for 14 years but I still think of him so very often. I wonder what kind of relationship he'd have with my kids. I wonder if he'd still be involved with the Wednesday night program at church. I wonder if he'd still get so excited about the seed catalog coming in the Spring. Would he still make his list of seeds that he wanted to plant by May? Would you still be able to see sawdust floating in the air of his home? Would he still be making those silly pinewood derby cars? Would he still be wearing that worn out old sweatshirt? I wonder...

2007: Our Year In Review

Here we are at the end of year.....the very last day. As I sit here thinking about it, I wonder where it went? I know I was conscious and involved in every day but yet, I ask myself, where did it all go? I was recently having a conversation with our six year old. He says to me, Why does dark time come so quick every day? My first response was to quickly tell him that it's purely for the sake of your parents sanity but really, it's because we are so busy at living life, that time flies by without us noticing....at least until I yell out, "It's bedtime" anyway. Then it's obvious that the day has now come to an end.

Here we are almost to 2008...but before we say good bye to 2007, I want to briefly reminisce about this past year.

Here it goes:

1. I became the proud owner of a cemetery plot.

2. Kara took her first steps.

3. My husband had a mysterious gall bladder issue and removal.

4. My husband's job was sent to India leaving him with a sense of "freedom" and me a sense of panic.

5. We lost a 13 year old cousin to a drunk driver.

6. We started a business.

7. Ryan lost his first tooth.

8. Ryan asked Jesus into his heart.

9. My Mom left our nest to explore other opportunities abroad....like bingo night and skip-bo with the gals.

10. Grace got her pink room.

11. We got a new dishwasher.

12. We became relative foster parents to two little girls.

13. Grandma Adelia passed away at the beautiful age of 93.

2007 also brought a year full of birthday celebrations and lots of living in between.

We pray that your 2008 is full of hope, full of happy memories created with those you love, and one full of God's peace.

Happy New Year!

Happy Birthday, Dear

Today was my husband's birthday. It's funny when you get older. Sometimes your birthday is just like any other day. Kind of like some of our dates. I remember when it use to be so romantic...holding hands and being all kissey-faced. After 14 years, five kids and two new additions, sometimes a date consist of Costco and Starbucks. I suppose I should be grateful for an uninterrupted trip to Costco and by all means, the Starbucks is a treat but I do reminisce about the good ol' days.

Bob went to visit his Dad who happens to be in the hospital and then he went to Meijer's for me. How fun is that on your birthday? He is a dear and very precious to me. He tries to keep my kitchen clean because he sees me working so hard at keeping the laundry pile down and figures that is a full time job. I think he also knows how very much I hate doing dishes. He goes out at Midnight to get milk so we have it for cereal in the morning.....he's always looking for ways to help his family.

I want you to know, dear, that all those things never ever go unnoticed. I am so very grateful for you and I hope you know how very much you are loved.

Happy Birthday, Sweetie!

Merry Christmas

Can you believe the whirlwind of Christmas is already over. It seems like from Thanksgiving on, there is such a flurry of activity (or maybe that's just my children bouncing off the walls) that by the time Christmas is over, I kind of feel like there is something missing. I wish you could hang on to the Christmas excitement and wonder but I suppose you do need some down time. Maybe I wouldn't like it if the kids were going bonkers all the time. We'd never get an ounce of a sane moment. Boy, I just slapped myself back to reality. I do value my sanity...highly.

When I look around my living room, it shows that Christmas did indeed happen. It may look like a tornado hit but I'm sure it was just the most exciting holiday of the year crash landing right here before me.

We had such a fun time watching the kids open all their gifts. Kara was such a cute little thing to watch as she tore threw that wrapping paper to find what was underneath it. She's a maniac when it comes to opening gifts. None of this gentle tearing of the paper for her.

Sharlene was so fun to watch too. She thought that every gift she got was for her birthday. It kind of reminded me of the cartoon movie, Frosty the Snowman, when he says Happy Birthday every time the magic hat sits on his head. I'm still not sure she understood that they were for Christmas. I'm sure she'll catch on pretty quick. The other kids will fill her in on how it works.

We had a couple special blessings happen this year. Some ladies from my Mom's church blessed our family with gifts. As the packages were opened with glee, it was as if God helped them pick out each item. Aaron exclaimed, "How did they know I wanted these!" We also received some other wonderful gifts that hold me speechless. God blessed us beyond anything I ever imagined.

That's what Christmas is about. Sharing God's love. It may be in the form of a gift, it may be in the form of a hug, or a note. We truly saw God's love through so many different avenues this Christmas. I pray that your heart, too, has the opportunity to see HIS love in action. It's so amazing.

Recycled Toys

I don't know about you but we spent a pretty penny on video's back in the day. Especially when we started having our family, did the stacks of videos start piling up and since everybody has their favorites, we are talking TALL stacks.

Now we have DVD's piling up. Although, they aren't as bulky as the video's. It's like the old computer monitors....they are so b-u-l-k-y. I love my slim flat screen monitor and am looking forward to someday replacing our b-u-l-k-y TV with one of those fan-dangled new jobies.

Our VCR hasn't been in good working condition for a long time now and has long since been lost under the six feet layer of dust. But the 'tall' stacks of videos lined up in a row under the entertainment center look oh, so very lonely. My husband had suggested once that we copy them onto DVD's but that would entail getting some new equipment which just seems silly in my mind. Therefore, we have a collection of videos with no current purpose.

I've asked myself on many occasions why I keep them. I suppose because they cost lots of money at one time even though now you could probably have all of mine for $5.00 total and that is stretching it. I suppose if I keep them for another 20 years maybe they'll be considered antiques? Or perhaps they'd make a good show and tell to future grandchildren. Back in my day, dearie, these here video tapes were what we watched on that old color tv that took up 36 whole inches. Can you just imagine that?

After catching myself from yelling at the kids to not play with those, I realized what a fun time they were having. They built towers, doll houses, and each had their own room sectioned off with those wonderful new toys. Hours and hours of fun and creativity have been had by those newly recycled toys. Kara even pulls out the tape on a couple just enough to make a purse in which she carries around on her shoulder. Again....can you just imagine that?

Winter Wonderland

Oh...the weather outside is frightful....

They say we may end up with six more inches before this evening. I got five calls this morning telling us that church was canceled. I don't ever remembering that happening. I have to tell you that I'm a bit relieved. Even though I wasn't really sure we were going to go because four out of the seven have green snotty noses, the thought of getting everyone dressed, matching boots found and oh, then there is the mittens.....it's just too much to think about before my sixth cup of coffee.

I think my favorite weatherman, Chuck Gaidica, announced it was a snow pant emergency this morning. The kids are itching to get out there. They might have to wait a little bit though.....I need to do some laundry so they all have clean pants. If I wasn't so embarrassed about my laundry pile....I might be tempted to show you a glimpse of it. I'll have to think about that and get back to you on that.

When I was a kid, I couldn't wait for moments like this when there was a dumping of snow. Of course, it was even more exciting when it happened to be on a school day but nevertheless, still very fun. I can feel the excitement oozing from every area of my home. Aaron woke me up with a "holy cow"....it's all buried out there. The kids keep running to the window to check it out and to make sure it's still out there. I'm afraid it isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

As I was watching the news this morning, they showed the line-up of people in front of Best Buy around 6 a.m. to hopefully get an opportunity to purchase the new shipment of Wii's despite this nasty winter storm. That is dedication right there, people. My children are going to have to settle for sending their pleases to the Easter bunny. You never know. Always remain hopeful, I say.

Winter is definitely here. We might actually have a white Christmas this year.

Pink Shoes

They have the cutest clothing items out there for little girls. It doesn't help me one bit that I think Kara is a beautiful girl. Can you tell I'm prejudice?

We recently went shopping at the mall and what do you think I came across? The most adorable pink shoes that sparkle like the eyes of my 19 month old. She already has two pairs of shoes I told myself.....but I ended up purchasing them anyway because they reminded me of her.

She took to them as quick as a wink and hasn't given much thought to her other shoes. She now brings me these shoes whenever she has an inkling that she might be going bye-bye. I sure wish I could find some for myself.....oh to be a little girl again.

Can we just say....adorable?!!

Let It Snow....

Last year we got a big snowfall early in the season to which Ryan begged and begged for one of his parents to go outside and make a snowman with him. For the life of me, I can't remember the reason why I put him off....maybe because it was cold out there or maybe it's because it takes me an hour to find all the accessories the kids need to go outside in the cold only to have them done with all that fun in just five minutes flat. That's just enough for me to procrastinate. So we passed on the opportunity to make the snowman BUT I did promise that I would with the next snowfall.

Well....that never happened. Everytime it snowed, it was either the really light, dusty, fluffy snow that will not pack into a snowball or it wasn't enough to make one bigger than a pine cone. This dear child of mine has not, for the last year, let me forget that. Even in the middle of 90 degree weather, he had not forgotten for one second that I promised him I'd make a snowman with him and I didn't. He just would not listen to reason.

He spent the entire year muttering about when the snow fell this very next time, that there would be one mother and one son outside making that very important snowman and it was going to be F-U-N. Of course, the mother was muttering about what she could do with the snow when it fell this very next time but I suppose that wouldn't go down in our family history as one of my finer mother moments.

Well, as many of you know, the snow has fallen and it was just the right kind....wet snow that packed into a wonderful snowman. Ryan was the happiest kid around. The moment had finally come. We happened to have a carrot for his nose. He tried using animal crackers for the mouth and eyes but the wet snow kept making them into a sort of paste which was frustrating him so we found some rocks and then it happened. Ryan had his snowman.

Raw Honesty

It's interesting how God reveals himself. I was feeling very discouraged with Sharlene and Barbara and the diagnosis we had been given from the mental health facility. Actually, to be truthful, I was feeling quite angry. God doesn't promise that the things he asks of us are going to easy or that if we are willing to be obedient, that he'll just reach down and make the road free of debris. Sometimes it's just plain ol' h-a-r-d. Sometimes, when He asks us to do something, disappointment and frustration appear because it's not quite what we had in mind. Expectations. But I expected....well..no, maybe I didn't know what to expect but I didn't know what we as a family would go through or the emotions that this experience would reveal in myself.

Have you ever been in a situation that reveals your character in the mirror and you don't like what you see? That's me. I've seen selfishness, irritation, a lack of mercy and forgiveness and where or wherefore art thou, my compassion? I have to ask God every day for forgiveness of my attitude and my selfish desire to be done with such a hard task. The desire of my heart is to be full of compassion, quick to be merciful and forgiving, tender-hearted. To, without question, be obedient to what God has placed in my care. So why, even though my mind knows what to do, is it so incredibly hard to get the rest of me in agreement.

So I'm sitting in church a couple weeks ago listening to the sermon which seemed to be only for me. A couple points still haunt me today. You have to get out of your house or your cushy life and let God use you for a hurting world which include something dear to God's heart, orphans. Could you go to heaven knowing you turned that opportunity down?

I happened to get a email which was from Dr. Dobson's site. It was on orphans and how precious they are to God.

I sat down to watch a Christmas movie. Care to take a guess what it ended up being about? Yep...taking on the care of three orphans.

Ok, so I get it, God! You've got my attention.

God wants us to continue caring for our two little orphan girls no matter what the struggles bring daily. He doesn't want me to have clarity in this situation yet but instead, He wants me to just have faith and trust in Him to work this all out. He keeps reminding me of this whenever I turn the radio on or I happen to drive by a billboard.

He promises to not give us more than we can handle and always provides an open window when it gets to be more than we can bear. In this situation, the words....'you are that window for Sharlene and Barbara' have been whispered in my ear and in my heart. How can I argue with that?